Is December Over Yet?

I’ve been trying my best just to get through December, I’m not sure how well that’s going, because I just want to live in my bed and never leave. My bed is very comfy, as well as warm (I love my heated mattress pad) plus there’s usually a cat or a dog on my bed at any given moment. For example, Orey is snoring next to me.

My depression becomes increasingly worse throughout the winter, and in December it just feels extremely painful and difficult to do anything. Holidays always give me major anxiety, not that I need it with my daily crippling anxiety…I’ve been dreading xmas 2016 since xmas 2015. I don’t see the point of the holiday I’m not religious, and I don’t see the need to visit extended family or Skype even. I told my Birth Giver in November 2015 that I don’t want to see my extended family for at least 5 more years. I saw them this past summer. Birth Giver told me that she misses going down to NJ to visit family each year, because xmas time is the best with seeing family and whatnot. Going to NJ was always a hassle for me. Long car ride, seeing family for too long, not being able to escape to my room for safety. I would be in a guest room, but that’s not my room, and foreign rooms don’t have that much safety feeling. Plus xmas time was very stressful growing up. My abuser aka my dad would always make putting up the tree the worst thing ever. I remember there was always yelling, and I would end up crying and running away, sometimes I would be slapped for “talking back” or trying to explain my side of things through tears and snot. I’m extremely thankful that my parents got a divorce when they did. I wish it was sooner though, I remember calling my brother one night, he was away at college. I was crying telling him how terrified I was that our parents were yelling, I was afraid that our dad would come into my room and hit me. So I was hiding in my closet, hoping to be invisible.

I have daddy issues, along with other issues. I suppose that’s why I have a love for morbid dark humor.

My allergist appointment showed that I am not allergic to dairy, instead my crippling anxiety convinced me that I was. So from the end of April-beginning of December I was convinced that I was allergic to dairy because of my anxiety. Life with dairy again has been good, skim milk is delicious! I missed the taste of skim milk. Cheese is a wonderful thing. The carrot cupcakes at my work are extremely flavorful!

As I write this post, I’m very out of it, my depression is bad, I’m lonely all the time, I have ptsd flashbacks and nightmares when I sleep, so I don’t want to sleep, but I need to sleep. To make matters worse I stopped visiting former coworkers, because every time I would visit this one fucker would remind me how last winter I had an anger attack and threw a dishpan at him. Needless to say I had so much guilt bubbling inside me, I was afraid to go back to the cafe, I was afraid to face my former coworkers. Anger attacks are the worst for me, I don’t have control over my body or actions. I don’t like having these types of mental breakdowns in public, so to know that a bunch of former coworkers saw me like that, I don’t feel safe going back. Chances are I’m going to be reminded how I threw a dishpan at someone. I was told I’m never going to live that down. My therapist mentioned how I need to forgive myself for that moment, and I thought I did, but now I’m not sure. I told myself that he deserved it, because that night he was being a real jerk, hiding my drink on me, untying my apron, being obnoxious to a ticking time bomb he had it coming. Then to remind me (once my mental health was getting better) how unstable and broken I was. I just feel like crying all the time, sometimes tears don’t run down my face, my eyes hurt too much to create the relief of tears. (Bobo is sitting in my lap purring, since he knows I’m upset. Orey is still next to me snoring.)

I usually reread my posts, take out all the times I typed “and” swap it for a different word, but I can’t do it this time. I forgot what else I was going to put in this post. Despite how difficult this month is the rest of my year has been excellent. I’m trying to stay positive, so sending dank memes to Science Lesbian, Queersaders, SMFF, and Stranger Danger. As well as avoiding my former work place, which has been hard because I miss seeing the other employees…but for my mental health I can’t go there for awhile.

15725987_1692807790744829_1839735425_oDerpy smile in this photo. Bobo bought me this huge can of pumpkin that was on clearance. So now I have 12 cans of pumpkin puree and a massive can of pumpkin puree.

Life is difficult this season, but I do know I have friends, humans, and animals that do care about me.

~SirChangeling

Insert Cliché Title Because Of The Holiday

Quick Update: The gingerbread cookies at my work are not made with shortening, instead they are made with butter. Which explains the extreme pain I was in 2 days after I ate the cookie.
“Was the cookie good?” One of the bakers asked me, after she informed me they had butter.
“Yes.”
“Well there is your dairy intake for the rest of the year.”

I’m surprised with my self control of not eating any of the noms from work…then again I know how much pain I would be in and that’s not worth it. The last time I was proud of my self control, was when I was 14, a girl told me to beat her with a tennis racket because she knew I hated her. I have anger issues, but to be able to tell her to “fuck off” and just walk away instead of beating the shit out of her is one of those moments that I still have no idea how I was able to choose to walk away.

….Anyway Happy Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for my Soul Mate in Friend Form. I love how I can send her offensive dank memes, since we share the love for dark humor.

I am also thankful for the Science Lesbians, and the younger sister of Psychology Lesbian, and the four of us become Queersaders.

Stranger Danger, who never reads my blog, gets a huge amount of my thankfulness. Seeing how he met me when I was off my meds (again) at an extreme low point of my life, but stuck with me and is there for me….I’m not crying, you’re crying.

To my other close friends, I’m thankful for you too, I just don’t want to type it all out…mainly because it doesn’t matter, since they know who they are and how much they mean to me.

~SirChangeling

 

I Have Not Abandoned This Blog! Here’s An Update As Proof.

I have been at my job as a baker’s assistant for over a month now, it’s been amazing so far. I actually want to go to my job to do my job duties. At other jobs it was just to see coworkers, as well as get those hours to receive a paycheck. However now the paycheck is a bonus! This job has everything I love to do: washing dishes, prepping, learning tips & tricks, plus cutting out cookies! I’m not baking anything, but I’m prepping cookies on the baking sheets, then once they are cooled I’m putting them on trays to display for the customers. Plus limited customer interaction!!

I’ve noticed that I’m losing some weight again, which yes can be seen as exciting, but not when it means that my jeans slowly fall down when I walk. My biggest annoyance with losing weight is that clothes don’t fit as well as they once did. Two years ago when this happened I decided to eat McDonalds for a couple meals to gain the weight back so my jeans would fit again. When I mentioned this to coworkers I received wtf looks. I can’t wear belts, because I am allergic to the nickel on the metal. I’ve tried the belts without the metal, but they don’t hold my pants up.

I found out that there are two cookies at my job that I can eat, because they are dairy free! The French Macaroons and the gingerbread people. How I found out I can eat the gingerbread people:
“Do you like gingerbread cookies? I don’t.” My boss asked.
“Yes, if there is not dairy in the cookies I can.”
*I looked at the recipe and saw that they were made with shortening and not butter!*
“Not that I need a reason to eat a gingerbread cookie, but what was the reason you asked?”
“They taste fresh enough right?”
“Yes. They’re delicious.”

A couple weeks ago an order was placed for 1,000 gingerbread people not decorated for the Saturday after Thanksgiving. We had made over 500 cookies when the customer claimed she never confirmed the order. So at the bakery there are 4 boxes of cookies in the freezer, in each box is around 11 bags with a dozen cookies in each bag.

The other day I was told pictures of my cat have been filling up a friend’s Facebook news feed. I told them they should be honored.

It’s currently 6am at the moment, so I need to finish my tea, get dressed and ready to leave. I need to be at work to clock in at 7am. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, due to waking up from being too hot or too cold or both at the same time. Yesterday it was 58 degrees, I was freezing cold, but too cold to get out from my blanket burrito to put on my winter jacket. I have obnoxious allergies.

Oh here’s some examples why I carry googely eyes with me:

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~SirChangeling

When a baker misses a spot sweeping, I point it out…because I’m the assistant baker.

“How is molasses spelled?”
“M-o-l-asses.”
I recently got a job! I’m a baker’s assistant! This is a perfect job for me, I’m excited to go to work, and learn more about working in a bakery. For once I actually feel like I deserve getting paid for my job. It’s an unreal feeling, with my past 3 jobs I never felt like I deserved the paycheck. That could be because of my depression and other mental illness surprise box issues, but looking back I still don’t think I deserved getting the money for the jobs. I put a lot of hard work into my jobs, but I never felt noticed enough for the hard work….probably because of severe depression…

Today marks that I have had my blog for a year! It’s a nice accomplishment, I never thought that I would actually have followers. I started the blog as a way to escape both my mind and reality. It can be so noisy in my mind, and reality can be exhausting, so by blogging, I figured I can rant my thoughts out to anyone that wanted to listen. Watching the number of “humans creeped on this blog” increase has been very exciting! Having friends tell me that my blog has helped them, is incredible. Just what the whaaaat? Really? Whoa. I’ve been told that I have a great voice in writing, but my birth giver told me that, it was getting to the point where I was questioning if she was just saying that since she birthed me? Then friends were telling me that I’m a really great writer, but still I was questioning, is it because they’re my friends so of course they tell me my writing is great…I really am my biggest critic, for writing as well as the baked noms I make.

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I was able to take this picture featuring Bobo. This is what success looks like, it has taken me at least 8 years or so to get a photo like this with my world leader. He’s not a fan of photos, but he was on my lap sleeping when I decided to try once more. He ran off after this photo, but there was about 6 tries before this magical photo was created.

I’ve seen so many memes about how 2016 has been a horrible year, but I strongly disagree. I don’t want to say that I’m happy, because I will end up jinxing myself somehow…so I’m a strong content. I still have days where my depression is stronger, or my anxiety has a surge, so deep breathing doesn’t decrease the attacks, but for the most part I’m doing alright.

One of my strong complaints at the moment is that my allergy to dairy is obnoxious. I work in a bakery, 3 days a week for 5 hours. So that being said I’m surrounded by butter, milk, creamer, sour cream, cheeses, and so much dairy! I wear gloves, I’m washing my hands, I’m changing my gloves constantly, and yet I’m still having to flee to the bathroom because of the pain I’m in. Which usually comes with the anxiety of being scared of what if I have to give up this job? I then tell myself: “Fuck that noise!”

I worked earlier today, so that meant I had to wake up around 5:30am so I could arrive at the bakery a few minutes before 8am (when I had to clock in) I clocked out around 1:20pm, when I arrived back to Potato Manor (my house) I flopped on my bed and soon passed out. It’s exhausting work, but I love it so much. Plus that much interaction with humans tires me out. I am an introvert, so I need time to recharge after being in public. Which means I grab some snacks, something to drink, my baby…aka MacBook Pro, wait for Bobo to take up a good chunk of my queen size bed, and just relax. If something is too far for me to reach, well that sucks for me. I’ll try to parkour it, by seeing how far I can stretch to get it without having to leave my bed, but also not dying since the floor is lava.

The best way to hang out with my friends is sitting near each other on our phones, computers, reading books, just relaxing in each other’s company. My SMFF and I will sit in the same room and send dank memes or funny videos to each other on our phones. I love being next to a friend when they are reading or on their computer, or if I’m really lucky I get to watch them play video games. I love watching my friends play video games, it’s like listening to someone talk about something they love. It’s wonderful.

I’m exhausted still…but I wanted to do a blog post today because of it being a year ago I started this blog.

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I made this meme a while ago.

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A sleeping Trash Panda…aka me with makeup on that I forgot to take off.

~SirChangeling

Title: TBD

I hate the fall season. At first it was only winter that I hated. But I hate fall too. Whenever asked what my favorite season was I would answer summer. I am one of those humans that prefers to be sweating than be freezing. Sometimes it gets to the point where I am way too hot to move but then I remember ‘at least I don’t have hives right now.’ Plus if I wait long enough my sweat will dry and I’ll be freezing and in a sweatshirt shivering. In summer I get to experience all the seasons! The pros/cons of being allergic to cold weather.

Yesterday it was in the 50’s I was summoned to go over to my former job and visit. I also made some pumpkin chocolate chip bread. So I was bringing some of that over to share. I actually texted Blue Gigglez to see when he was working, because he loves that bread and I love seeing other humans happy when I present them with my noms. It makes me feel useful in life. And with it being Autumn right now, feeling useful is a good thing for me. The walk which took about 5 songs was nice and upsetting. Nice because I like walking places, I listen to my iPod (Peeves) while having a lip sync battle with myself, you never know when you will get invited to have a lip sync battle with Jimmy Fallon. I’m in it to win it. I’ve been doing this since 2010ish or anytime I walked to work, a bus stop, goodwill, pretty much if I’m walking and I am listening to music there is a lip sync battle taking place. I can’t sing, but I’m great at lip syncing. Anyway, I was walking over and within 2 minutes or so my legs began to become itchy. Shit. I still had a little ways to go before I reached my destination, and the hives had started. I didn’t want to turn back home, because I was on a mission damnit. The itchiness was not because of my anxiety, or other mental health issues, no it was because I’m allergic to the cold weather. So around this time I like to hermit. Sure it does shitty things to my already getting worse mental heath, but at least I’m not having hives.

My depression worsens around Autumn. The seasons change so my allergy to the cold kicks in. Which means I get hives that don’t go away for at least an hour. I always thought it was normal to go outside and be extremely itchy within a couple minutes. I also thought it was normal to faint all the time during puberty. Neither of those things are normal. But I didn’t want to be that person who asks “is this normal?” and have it be normal and then I’m there looking like an awkward human trying to blend in with the wall. I mean it also backfires because I went 22 years going outside always being itchy in the cold weather. As well as fainting whenever I stood up too fast in middle school.

I’ve always been that special child who needs extra attention, but didn’t receive it until it was too late. As a result I have cursed so many unborn children. I feel like a witch in those fairy tales. It’s great. I am on the autism spectrum as well as having Trisomy X. Sometimes its great because I can appreciate those offensive jokes about autism and having extra chromosomes. But it also sucks because I have these issues so learning things is difficult, understanding things takes awhile to stick. Example: It took me at least 10 times to be shown how to make coffee in a coffee pot at my former job. I’m a special potato. I didn’t want to have humans be disappointed or think that I couldn’t do something, so I would say that I understand things, even though I would end up staring at the coffee maker hoping it would tell me how to use it properly, because that was so much easier than asking for help, obviously.

I was going to make this post either about my tattoos and what they mean, or write a Dear Human post. Which is basically me writing a letter to someone who is no longer in my life. Coping skills I learned in therapy. One of the few positive coping skills I learned in group therapy that is. Group therapy is not for everyone, no matter how much humans will tell you to go to group therapy, if you know it’s not right for you, don’t go. I had a premonition of what would happen if I went to group therapy and it ended in me going back to a mental hospital, or jail. Probably mental hospital because I was not mentally stable at the time. And I’ve seen enough Law & Order SVU to know that show is fake, but still I would probably be sent to a mental hospital (again) over jail.

This post ended up being a way to wake me up a tad bit. Having depression means I sleep all the time. I miss having insomnia last year, I wasn’t sleeping all the time. In fact I was rarely sleeping. Ugh depression I either sleep too much or not enough. This is my life.

I can’t move some place warm because I don’t have the funds for that.

When I have insomnia I can’t sleep, even if I want to. Your articles about why sleep is important aren’t helpful.

I can’t smile, it’s against my religion. (I told that to a customer who told me ‘you could at least smile.’)

I have no idea what my sexuality or gender is anymore. I don’t really want to find out, because it’s a surprise for what the day brings.

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Here’s a picture of my World Leader: Bobo. Within 15 seconds of me sitting down in a chair  across from him, he was in my lap giving me purrs, kneads, and drooling. He drools when he is happy.

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Pumpkin Chocolate Chip bread! Dairy free!! Including the chocolate chunks!

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I’m in a winter hat of some animal, a sweater and my lumberjack jacket. It was 52 degrees outside. I was freezing and itchy. My snapchat is amazing. 

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If you can’t wait for when my ‘When I feel like it’ blog updates.

~SirChangeling

Pumpkin Spice, Apple Cinnamon, & Depression Season

The start of fall is supposed to be nice right? Pumpkin spice and apple cinnamon flavors everywhere! Trying to get friends to go Apple Picking with you, so baking can happen. Fall festivals, cozy sweaters, leggings, and Halloween!!! However for me my depression becomes stronger at a steady pace, by the time I notice it, it’s difficult to leave my bed. I can’t leave my room unless to go to the bathroom. Eating is optional. I’m not too lazy to get out of bed, I just can’t get out. I don’t see the point. It’s not a fear, I just have no motivation or want to get out of bed. Everything is difficult for me, I don’t want to do anything. So I’ve just been watching Lost Girl on Netflix.

I will write down what I should do each day, but I barely get to the point to check them off. I want to do things, but I also know that once I do go out and do said activity, my anxiety kicks in so then I have to get back to my safety bubble (aka my room) I recently moved downstairs of Potato Manor, I guess that’s a start for me.

It’s also going to be getting colder, as someone who breaks out into hives when the temperature drops I’m not looking forward to this. I’m on medication so I can go outside and not break out into hives. I had to up the dosage at the end of August. Usually I can wait until the end of September.

I’m also sleeping more, which is a sign that my depression is present. I’m tired all the time. I can’t just be happier, it doesn’t work like that. I’ll try listening to upbeat music, but I’ll just end up crying because I can’t control my emotions. I don’t know why I’m crying and it’s not because of some female bullshit issues, it’s because depression is the fucking worst.

I don’t want humans’ pity, I don’t want their wisdom for what I should do. I have Autism, Trisomy X, severe depression, extreme anxiety, and a bunch of other shit I don’t know the names for. When I get angry, I need my space. I will say things that I can’t take back, only to be plagued with guilt for the rest of my life.

I don’t forgive myself for throwing a tray at a former coworker last year, I couldn’t control myself, I couldn’t stop the anger coming on, the stress from not getting enough hours to pay off student loans, the stress from not being able to handle the work load I had, from sensory overload. I don’t confront humans when they piss me off. Especially during the fall and winter seasons, instead I push away my emotions, I hoard the emotions until I can’t take it anymore so then the anger explodes out like a volcano erupting. I’m surprised I didn’t do more damage than just throwing a tray at him. (I almost killed a fish once from an anger attack. Knocked the fish tank off a table, the fish blended in with the carpet so it took a couple moments to find the fish.)

No matter how much it sucks to have all these issues, I still won’t wish this upon anyone.

~SirChangeling

I’m trying to ignore said elephant, it’s difficult.

Despite me wanting to curl up to bawl my eyes out feeling the wave of “oh shit” moments hit me in the face I don’t think I deserve to feel this way. I’ve worked too damn hard to be in good spirits to have this wave hit me knocking me down into a depressed mushy potato. I had a good day today, except for one little hiccup, which of course Scott took over and ran every possible worst case scenario in my head. Fuck Scott. Why does he have to do this to me? Scott being my anxiety, for those who are confused. My anxiety named itself, which only makes sense seeing as I name everything else. I have a Rock Band, they recently went on tour. (I moved them from one side of my room to the other)

Today I adopted a bear. His name is Bun Bun and he’s a gay leather daddy. Except he doesn’t have any leather…yet! I get to visit Science Lesbians soon! So Bun Bun might be able to receive leather, I have to write down his measurements first.

Writing this post is counteracting that I still want to bury my face in Bun Bun’s leg and cry. (I still might end up doing this) I still feel like this is punishment for holding into my feelings, not acknowledging them, for the fear of being hurt. I’m very good at ignoring the elephant in the room, I understand that its there, I just don’t want to deal with it. So yes, I’m ignoring it. I do this with my feelings towards certain humans because I don’t want to mess things up. I don’t want this burden of not being able to hold a friendship because I get attached to the jokes, to the comfort, to the understanding. It’s hard to let go of friends because I did something stupid to terminate the friendship…well looking back all the reasons for terminating most of my friendships is because of valid reasons. One time in particular was because I chose the shopping cart over someone, which yes it was stupid, yes I wish I could have a redo, but too much time has passed and I don’t deserve the forgiveness. Where was I going with this?

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I really wish that I knew what to do with my life. I’m terrified of looking for a job, I’m at the “now what?” stage. Class ended a couple weeks ago, every time I look through the newspaper for jobs I have so much anxiety I just want to cry. I see places that say they want someone who is experienced for a full time, fast paced job. Is it just an American thing where cafes need to have everything be fast? I rather have a coffee where a barista takes their time to make it be delicious, rather than a barista who rushes to get a drink done within a couple minutes for a deadline, making a mess of powders or coffee beans as they scoop, dump, pour products into a cup. Perhaps it’s just my anxiety but seeing a mess of counters says more about wanting to rush an order rather than making sure it’s right. Why does everything need to be rushed? When rushes happen stress happens. Stress causes break downs.

“It’s complicated.” What does that even mean?

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This is my Rock Band. Kk the llama rock, Bob the Boulder, Peaches, Shit Nugget, Melvin, Squire Spud, Petunia, and King Momo. Lucifer aka Luci has recently been added, a photo with her has not been taken yet. The surfer duck is their manager and the unicorn is their number 1 fan. The troll behind the unicorn is a creeper, hence being a troll.

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The caption for this one: “How single am I? Well I’m hugging a teddy bear in Costco…sooooo”13876472_1454673554558255_8339368498811715364_n

Here I am with Bun Bun. This picture shows how Bun Bun makes a great pillow. Also my chest pillows are ginormous in this picture…and in real life. No wonder I have back pain. Shit look at the size of those unwanted things!

~SirChangeling

P.S. If the radio could stop playing *those* songs that would be great. Current song? You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift. I love TSwift, just not when her songs hit me in the feels.

Being Anxious Should Subtract Calories

I suppose it’s a good thing I don’t have deadlines for blog posts. That would suck, because then I would be fired, since they wouldn’t be on time…ever. I’d be like Shigure from Fruits Basket if I had a publisher, make her cry with my shenanigans. Lots of updates coming this way, well it feels like a lot in my mind, I’m not sure if it is actually a lot. I need to release some thoughts and free up some space. Perhaps this way I won’t be so stressed….haha just kidding, I have anxiety there’s always going to be something for me to worry about unfortunately. “Think about something else” if you tell me that, you better have something for me to think about, plus be ready for me to put all my thoughts on that said subject. “worry about yourself” is another phrase that sucks, because then the doors of worrying about mental health issues open up, I’ll be holding back tears trying to fight the wave of memories.

I write excellent beginning paragraphs.

A week ago I graduated from CKA!!! It was very exciting, I’m not sad surprisingly. I knew I was ready, I’m very proud of myself. I went through a lot to finish this class: 1 concussion, 1 trip to the ER, 2 flesh wounds, 1 burn, handful of anxiety attacks, a couple of screams to release stress build ups, doing nothing to refill my energy, and lots of positive self talk so I wouldn’t let myself down. On August 8th-19th I’m going to visit the Science Lesbians! So when I come back I will start looking for jobs. Plus this way I can relax without being too anxious about starting a job then going on vacation for 11 days or so.

I don’t miss the unnecessary drama that was caused towards the middle of the class. Why do humans have to cause drama with me? I try my best to stay away from drama, which explains why I never know the gossip at my former workplaces, I have enough issues in my life I don’t need to have the stress of some pathetic human saying I hit on them because I turned them down when I was asked to go on a date with them. Fuck that noise. I can’t flirt, so to be told that I apparently hit on someone was news to me…and not the exciting kind. However to be told by my classmates that they are on my side was extremely helpful. Knowing that, I didn’t care what this human scum tried with me next. I stayed professional near her, while I continued on with my life to succeed.

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I had this epiphany last week, are my anxiety attacks getting worse the older I get or have they always been this way? Then I realized that I’ve always had anxiety attacks, my family just didn’t know what they were, they called them temper tantrums. They weren’t though. I was having extreme anxiety attacks. However since no one knew what theses attacks/outbursts were, they weren’t handled like they are now.

I remember going to a science center in NH (when I was 5 maybe) with my grandparents and a sibling. One of the exhibits that I went into was set up for small humans to see how a small rodent of some kind lives. So there was a tunnel that was under the floor for small humans to crawl through, and secret compartments for hands to go and guess what was being touched. To get to said tunnel, you had to climb down a short ladder. I went down and almost instantly began to cry, there was little to no light; I’m not a fan of being in the dark (which is still one of my fears now) so I was scared. Little humans when they cry aren’t soft whimpers, no they’re full on screams. So that’s pretty much what I did. I couldn’t bring myself to climb back up the ladder back to “safety” I was paralyzed in fear. I remember my sibling telling me I had to climb back up, my grandfather was extremely embarrassed for the scene I was creating. Obviously I was able to get out, I don’t remember how, but I very vividly remember that I made my grandfather extremely embarrassed. Years later that story was talked about how my grandfather was upset that I did that. Whenever I heard that story with that commentary added on, I would stay quiet I felt so guilty. I couldn’t control my outbursts when I was a small tot, they would just happen.

Another time was when I was at a sleep away camp. The counselors told the older campers that we were going to go and pick up the trash around the camp. We were instructed to wear clothes we didn’t care about that much. I was the only one excited to pick up trash, everyone else was complaining. We were also told to take off any jewelry that we had on. I questioned that because why should we take off jewelry to go pick up trash? I still took off my 30+ rubber bracelets and put them somewhere safe in my cabin. Turns out that picking up trash was a cover story for actually going to the sports field to throw a flour and water mixture at each other. I was so upset! I really wanted to pick up trash, but instead there was going to be a sticky, messy, wasteful food fight on the sports field?! I think I exclaimed “wait we were lied to?!” then ended up asking if I could sit this one out. When we got back to our cabins, all of the girls went to take showers to get rid of the flour/water clumps covering their bodies. Since I did not participate with that disgusting and wasteful activity I went to put my bracelets back on my wrist. I hid them in a very “safe” place because I couldn’t find them at first. They were not where I thought I put them, they weren’t in the second place I thought they were either. Or the third place! I started hyperventilating while yelling “where are my bracelets?” One of my counselors came over to me trying to calm me down, she told me to lay down along with “everything is okay.” (That is one of the worst things to tell me when I’m having an anxiety attack, I tend to escalate even more) She told everyone in my cabin to give me space, she also instructed another girl to go wet a washcloth with cool water for my forehead. Someone found my bracelets which were on the top of the pile of dirty clothes in my hanging laundry bag. I was able to put them back on and slowly calm down after that. This episode was never spoke about again during my time at camp.

Those are the 2 main memories I have that I realized that I’ve always been having anxiety attacks, I just didn’t know at the time that they were anxiety attacks. Perhaps my life would be a little different if I knew earlier in life that I have Trisomy X/Autism. Then again, it probably wouldn’t.

Whenever I have anxiety attacks I always try to hide myself, I don’t want to seem like a burden to others, I don’t want to have humans be embarrassed to be seen with me while I have these anxiety attacks. Luckily I now am able to easily bounce back to be alright again, but that underlining guilt is always with me.

Anxiety fucking sucks, however it’s good to keep around when I experience my anger attacks. Since my anxiety manages to stop me from doing whatever it is when I’m angry. Well when I’m medicated I have more control to not give in to the anger. I still have the extreme guilt for throwing a dish rack at a former coworker because of an anger attack which I wasn’t able to control. That was one of the big moments that I knew I had to leave my former job. I still don’t like going over there much because of all the guilt. Plus the cartoon boogey monster that basically talk about keeping employees. When I was giving my 2 weeks notice the cartoon boogey monster were being taped on top of the oven. This of course stalled my 2 weeks noticed being sent, the overwhelming guilt that clouded me whenever I would walk by said picture had me debating if I could send my notice or not. I cried myself to sleep over this guilt for a couple nights, until I couldn’t take it anymore. Why were these pictures and charts placed where all the employees could see it is something I never could figure out. I sometimes wonder if I should walk over to my former job to bring noms for former coworkers, but the extreme guilt of daily anxiety attacks while on register, throwing a dish rack at a former coworker, being asked “where’s my bread” every time I saw one coworker, it gets too much. I end up having to sit down to calm down my heavy breathing.

~SirChangeling

ERMAHFUCKINGERD! I’M ABOUT TO GRADUATE!

Drugs are pretty great I suppose. I’m still not a fan of being a pill popper, but if by doing so keeps me from crying 24/7, I support antidepressants. However forcing me to take pills is not the way to go, ditching me until I go back on medication is not the way to go about friendship with me.

I’m back on Facebook, I did try to stay away..but I missed seeing pictures from my human friends. Curse you FOMO. I was scrolling through snapchat stories from BuzzFeed the other day, when I stopped to say aloud “Why am I reading this? I don’t care about celebrity lives. Where are the fun recipes or DIY ideas? BuzzFeed you need rehab.”

On July 13th I wrote down some fabulous WOWBKs:

  • When nervous during an interview, at a point of words not flowing. Say “Sorry, the caffeine hasn’t quite kicked in yet.” Collect your thoughts then continue.
  • If you lie to me, you’re cut off from Basic White Bitch Treats of Nom.
  • I saw the cutest brown squirrel the other day. When I walked closer I realized it was a brown plastic bag. It’s obvious that I have the Sight. The faeries gave it to me before they switched me out…#changelingproblems
  • I am so grateful for Pokemon Go. Finally I can have massive anxiety in public and not worry about the stares. I can just blame it on the app.

As a Potato with extreme anxiety I have extreme difficulty saying no to humans. So I say what humans want to hear, it doesn’t work out great because I end up crying in a corner from pushing myself to breaking point. I decided to test out saying “no” for a week. The results were interesting, after the first couple anxiety waves rushing through my entire body, I felt this unusual power. I didn’t exactly say “no” but I implied it. (“That’s nice” “uh huh.” “Why can’t you walk the 2 steps and throw out your own fork?”) I was told by classmates that I was very sassy, they all loved it. I was told to keep it up, my sass gave them life…or something.

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I call this photo “Today I learned what shallots are, they’re part of the onion family.” I had a classmate take this photo I am in the background with cold paper towels on my eyes.

I graduate on Tuesday July 19th at 1pm! I’m ready. I’m going to just starfish a lot to catch up on energy. I will not miss the full time hours of this class. High stress had me screaming a bunch of times to let it out. I mean I waited until I was in the safety of my bubble (bedroom) before I released my inner screams, then promptly passed the fuck out. Anxiety is exhausting. Unfortunately I did still have anxiety attacks at class, I would run to the bathroom and hide there. That fight or flight response is great for me because I flee to safety, then I fight the anxiety. I go both ways..ha.

~SirChangeling

Asexual Potato passed ServSafe!!!!!!

I decided to type my thoughts down while walking to class the other day. I’m one of those humans who walks into parked cars, because texting while walking is difficult. Luckily I didn’t walk into any parked cars while I was typing on a notepad app on my phone. (I upgraded to a smartphone in January, it’s June… I’m still trying to figure some things out. It’s frustrating I want to go back to a flip phone, but I like the GPS on my phone.)

June 21, 2016 9:33am

  • Sometimes I think I should have a taser to defend myself from birds. However I would probably test the taser on my foot, so that’s why I don’t have a taser.
  • I should have mace…even though I’m very jumpy. Everyone would get maced, that’s what they get for sneaking up on me.
  • I think everyone should finally realize that the real terrorists are mosquitoes.
  • If my concussion symptoms could leave that would be great.
  • If I could get my servsafe test results maybe that would calm down Scott.
  • I need caffeine but the Starbucks line was too long.
  • I hope the ice machine at class is working.

The next day, June 22, I found out that I PASSED SERVSAFE!!!!!!! 

It was until Friday June 24th that I found out my score:
“Remember, these test results are supposed to be secretive don’t go sharing what you got.” Chef told the seven of us as he wrote on sticky notes our individual scores.
“Keely what did you get?” A classmate asked.
“83!” I announced proudly, as Chef rolled his eyes.

The classmate who had the highest score received a $50 gift card, I wasn’t the highest score, however I was in the top 3! 83 is a big deal for me, I always would be in the low 60’s-high 70’s range for test scores in college.

I’m going onto my 10th week of class, I was able to finally take my rings off last week. Can’t have rings in the internship so I had to take them off. Putting them on a chain around my neck wasn’t going to work for me, because necklaces feel like they’re choking me, that’s not a kink I’m into too. I’m not kink shaming, just saying that I like my kinks like I liked my ice cream before having to switch to dairy free. Vanilla Bean.

Surprisingly I’m not extremely anxious about the internship, I’m more anxious about finding a job afterwards. I want a baking job but it needs to be part time. This class is draining me of my energy so on weekends I pretty much just starfish on my bed in front of the fan, until I become too cold, then I have to get up to turn it off, only to become too hot again. Ugh #FirstWorldProblems Not only am I drained of energy, but anxiety attacks are happening in the middle of the week. I unfortunately had another anxiety attack in class last week. This one was different it was anxiety featuring a ptsd flashback. I locked myself in the bathroom, crying while texting Stranger Danger trying to calm down. A classmate helped by texting me offering to take a walk, as well as letting me just rant it all out. That was extremely helpful. I was able to survive another day. When I got back there was a class picture taken, I’m curious to what my face looked like, I derp’d in the photo because that’s how I roll. I’ve been anxious about the job part since the class began, it’s good to know that some things never change…

wp-1466891327452.jpgI had my hair shaved today, I feel so much better now.

~SirChangeling