“You’re Basically Telling Me to Eat Shit.”

October has come and gone, because that’s just how time works. For Halloween this year, I was a repeat costume: white person in an informercial. It totally counts! …yes I drop things all year round, but on Halloween I get to really go for it. Potato Manor gave out glow sticks because we were the cool house of the neighborhood. The pack of glow sticks came with wands, glasses, headbands, bracelets, necklaces, rings, earrings….I think that was it? Ever since last year when my anxiety convinced me I was allergic to dairy, I realized that giving out toys is a much better idea than candy. When I was a young tot going trick or treating, one house gave coupins for bowling! I wonder if that is where my love of coupins came from?

Science Lesbian visited me for a couple days, it was amazing. Stranger Danger even visited too! So 2 out of my 3 close friends were in the same room with me at once! It was a comforting moment, that I unfortunately don’t get to experience often.

WOWBK: Words of Wisdom by Keely has been alive for 2 years! Well this blog anyway. I came up with the phrase WOWBK in 2013, I’ve been giving words of wisdom ever since I could speak.

Despite the constant nightmares of working on register, I think I have found a way to fight back. Well I hope so anyway. I see it as confronting my fears, but with an edible twist of humor, because that’s how I roll. Science Lesbian and I made a cake, not just any cake, a kitty litter cake. It was disgustingly fabulous. The cake was then delivered to my former job with a note attached saying “Remember when I had to work on register, despite having panic attacks? No hard feelings.”

I’m very proud of my swirly poop. The scoop was new, hence why the sticker was kept on as proof. Last time Science Lesbian visited, we made a boob gayke. Each time she visits we’re going to bake interesting cakes. It is decided! I’ll start a Pinterest board. Our lovely Litter Box was made of chocolate cake with almond buttercream, topped with crushed nilla wafers mixed with powdered sugar, then only the best poop shaped tootsie rolls. Such art!!!

The best time to deliver a kitty litter cake is when the health inspector is at the restaurant, followed by a bus. Timing is everything!

~SirChangeling

P.S. There was a pamphlet in Potato Manor’s door when I arrived home. A church was telling us to join. I told Birth Giver, “should I show up in my horns, asking if they accept friends of Satan?” Birth Giver did not reply….then again I was walking downstairs away from her as I was talking…

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Aside

V.I.Qs (Very Important Questions) for Stranger Danger

Me: Stranger Danger? Since I have horns on my head and hairy ankles does that make me a furry??

Stranger Danger: No.

Me: Oh, good! I’m so glad I have you to ask all my important questions!

~~~~~~~~

Me: Have you ever noticed in Yaoi manga how the hands are drawn really weird?

Stranger Danger: I actively avoid Yaoi manga.

Me: I can fix that! I’ll show you the good ones.

Stranger Danger: No. *picks up manga*

Me: That is rated “Teen” are you old enough?

Stranger Danger: No, I’m 30.

~SirChangeling

Mad Libs: Bringing Horrible Humans Together 8

The Princess and the Pea

There once was a prince named Stranger Danger. His mother, Queen Potato, summoned many princesses to meet him. But none were dicy enough. Then one night, during a wet storm, the prince heard a loud knock at the car. He opened it, and there stood a fair maiden, soaking wet but as beautiful as a summer’s light. It was love at first battery. The girl said she was a princess, but the queen was doubtful. Luckily, she had a way to make sure. She took the girl to a fuzzy bedroom where she had piled mattress upon mattress until they almost reached the ceiling. Underneath, she placed a tiny ball joint. If the young woman felt the pea through the mattress, she was really a tall princess. Sure enough, the next morning, the maiden complained that she was unable to sleep because the brown bed was so uncomfortable. The prince married her and they lived quickly ever after in Oil n Go.

~SirChangeling

Insert Cliché Title Because Of The Holiday

Quick Update: The gingerbread cookies at my work are not made with shortening, instead they are made with butter. Which explains the extreme pain I was in 2 days after I ate the cookie.
“Was the cookie good?” One of the bakers asked me, after she informed me they had butter.
“Yes.”
“Well there is your dairy intake for the rest of the year.”

I’m surprised with my self control of not eating any of the noms from work…then again I know how much pain I would be in and that’s not worth it. The last time I was proud of my self control, was when I was 14, a girl told me to beat her with a tennis racket because she knew I hated her. I have anger issues, but to be able to tell her to “fuck off” and just walk away instead of beating the shit out of her is one of those moments that I still have no idea how I was able to choose to walk away.

….Anyway Happy Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for my Soul Mate in Friend Form. I love how I can send her offensive dank memes, since we share the love for dark humor.

I am also thankful for the Science Lesbians, and the younger sister of Psychology Lesbian, and the four of us become Queersaders.

Stranger Danger, who never reads my blog, gets a huge amount of my thankfulness. Seeing how he met me when I was off my meds (again) at an extreme low point of my life, but stuck with me and is there for me….I’m not crying, you’re crying.

To my other close friends, I’m thankful for you too, I just don’t want to type it all out…mainly because it doesn’t matter, since they know who they are and how much they mean to me.

~SirChangeling

 

Science Lesbians’ World Leaders Have Blessed my bed.

Me: I should write a blog post.
Also Me: *falls asleep for 4 hours because I need to recharge from social anxiety*

I’m currently visiting Science Lesbians, it’s very exciting. Later today we’re going to Boston Comic Con for the day, I love webcomics, not a big movie fanatic…okay movies are boring. I mean why pay $9+ to watch something when I can watch the trailer on YouTube and pretty much figure it out? Plus I tend to lose interest fast in movies and tv shows. If I’m not captured within a few moments of the movie, I’m pretty much done. But I don’t want to walk out of the theater because I paid for the ticket, and I don’t want to ask for my money back because THAT WILL CAUSE SOCIAL ANXIETY!!! FUCK THAT NOISE. So I don’t watch movies. The last movie I saw was Finding Dory at the drive ins, which was an adorable movie despite the fact that the human I saw it with made me very uncomfortable. Pro tip: Saying “yes” when asked out will not make said human leave you alone…saying “yes” when you mean “no” never works out….I still tend to do it, because I hate making others disappointed, so I will say “yes” even though I can’t physically or mentally do something. Ughhh anxiety. Good News: I don’t have to deal with that human ever again.

I don’t know that much about the DC Universe or Marvel Universe, I mean I saw DeadPool, and some other movies. DeadPool was the only one that was hilarious as well as captivating my interest. Thor needs to chill, SpiderMan is only good for memes, Superman needs to calm down, I had a dream when I was in elementary school where Batman killed my family then locked me in a closet…so Batman is creepy. Webcomics however are great, I follow web comic artists, World Leaders, Suicide Girls, and some other humans on my Instagram.

Speaking of memories, I started writing down some past memories that have exploded to the front of my mind. I have memory blasts randomly, it’s great…until I also relive the emotions I had during that time, which means I will be pissed off about something that happened 10+ years ago. Fuck you Ms. Brady* or whatever you changed your name to…go suck a raw egg.

*4th & 5th teacher

Here’s said list of my memories:

  • In 7th grade I declared I would be a professional tattoo coloring in human. Which meant I would color inside the outlines of tattoos with sharpies. The idea sparked when I saw an outline of a cow on a camp counselor’s back. That was my first experience with a vegan. He was a douche canoe. Remembered 1/5/16 2:17am
  • I think my first memory is when I was in a van, my siblings and Birth Giver were singing  Mister Sun to me while holding up this sun plush that played the tune to Mister Sun. I really wanted them to shut up, but I couldn’t talk yet so I just scream cried at them. The sun puppet was in my face, but I was strapped in my car seat so I couldn’t hit the puppet away. Remembered 1/6/16
  • In 9th grade I pushed one of the boys who would harass me all the time, off a railing. He wouldn’t stop, none of the teachers was doing anything about it, he was in my study hall class! So I took matters into my own hands. I should mention that I had gone of my medication around this time
    “Keely, we’re in the same class so we should be best friends.” The study hall was in the auditorium, so the railing was more of to separate the Tech Lighting from the audience…so not a big drop from the floor.
    “You’re totally right, we should be best friends.”
    “Wait what.”
    “You go tell everyone this.” With that I pushed him off the railing, which he was sitting on. By catching him off guard I was able to make my move. He had a cast on his leg, but I’m positive he was faking it. The study hall teacher told him to get up off the floor. Remembered 1/13/16
  • In the 3rd grade I dropped my baseball bat down a sewer drain because I was curious if it would fit in the holes. It did. I accidentally dropped it. Instant panic! My bat was gone! I actually didn’t want to go to practice, so I was stalling, but I didn’t think the bat would actually go down into the sewer! Luckily someone’s aunt had all these hiking accessories, so with bungie cords and skills she rescued my bat. I was sent to baseball practice while my bat was being rescued. What was I doing while my bat was being rescued? Screaming in the corner. Remembered 4/13/16

Because I haven’t updated in a while, instead of making 2 posts right after the other, I’m just going to make a double post. There’s really no such thing as a double post for me, since my thoughts jump around all the time, even when I’m having conversations with friends…text messages tend to jump around too.

When I’m alone having conversations with the voices/characters in my head I often wonder if other humans have the same thoughts.

Do you ever________, or is that just me?

  1. Do you ever have conversations with yourself, act out made up scenarios that will never happen in order to be ready for what to say just in case, or is that just me?
  2. Do you ever lose track of time because you were just looking at the wall, or is that just me?
  3. Do you ever slowly read books so you can savor everything because once you finish it there’s no more, or is that just me?
  4. Do you ever feel like Cinderella when mopping floors, then criticize her for going out with a curfew when she could’ve just stayed inside to watch porn without headphones, or is that just me?
  5. Do you ever swipe right on tinder when you see a cat picture, or is that just me? (I haven’t met a douche canoe that has a cat….cat’s are amazing, which is why they’re our World Leaders…duh.)
  6. Do you ever feel like a bunny when eating carrots, or is that just me?
  7. Do you ever feel like a cat when eating fish or is that just me?
  8. Do you ever look at a cute couple and hope them the best, or is that just me?

I have asked Stranger Danger some of these…his response each time “Just you.”

That’s all I feel like writing now…

~SirChangeling

 

Asexual Potato passed ServSafe!!!!!!

I decided to type my thoughts down while walking to class the other day. I’m one of those humans who walks into parked cars, because texting while walking is difficult. Luckily I didn’t walk into any parked cars while I was typing on a notepad app on my phone. (I upgraded to a smartphone in January, it’s June… I’m still trying to figure some things out. It’s frustrating I want to go back to a flip phone, but I like the GPS on my phone.)

June 21, 2016 9:33am

  • Sometimes I think I should have a taser to defend myself from birds. However I would probably test the taser on my foot, so that’s why I don’t have a taser.
  • I should have mace…even though I’m very jumpy. Everyone would get maced, that’s what they get for sneaking up on me.
  • I think everyone should finally realize that the real terrorists are mosquitoes.
  • If my concussion symptoms could leave that would be great.
  • If I could get my servsafe test results maybe that would calm down Scott.
  • I need caffeine but the Starbucks line was too long.
  • I hope the ice machine at class is working.

The next day, June 22, I found out that I PASSED SERVSAFE!!!!!!! 

It was until Friday June 24th that I found out my score:
“Remember, these test results are supposed to be secretive don’t go sharing what you got.” Chef told the seven of us as he wrote on sticky notes our individual scores.
“Keely what did you get?” A classmate asked.
“83!” I announced proudly, as Chef rolled his eyes.

The classmate who had the highest score received a $50 gift card, I wasn’t the highest score, however I was in the top 3! 83 is a big deal for me, I always would be in the low 60’s-high 70’s range for test scores in college.

I’m going onto my 10th week of class, I was able to finally take my rings off last week. Can’t have rings in the internship so I had to take them off. Putting them on a chain around my neck wasn’t going to work for me, because necklaces feel like they’re choking me, that’s not a kink I’m into too. I’m not kink shaming, just saying that I like my kinks like I liked my ice cream before having to switch to dairy free. Vanilla Bean.

Surprisingly I’m not extremely anxious about the internship, I’m more anxious about finding a job afterwards. I want a baking job but it needs to be part time. This class is draining me of my energy so on weekends I pretty much just starfish on my bed in front of the fan, until I become too cold, then I have to get up to turn it off, only to become too hot again. Ugh #FirstWorldProblems Not only am I drained of energy, but anxiety attacks are happening in the middle of the week. I unfortunately had another anxiety attack in class last week. This one was different it was anxiety featuring a ptsd flashback. I locked myself in the bathroom, crying while texting Stranger Danger trying to calm down. A classmate helped by texting me offering to take a walk, as well as letting me just rant it all out. That was extremely helpful. I was able to survive another day. When I got back there was a class picture taken, I’m curious to what my face looked like, I derp’d in the photo because that’s how I roll. I’ve been anxious about the job part since the class began, it’s good to know that some things never change…

wp-1466891327452.jpgI had my hair shaved today, I feel so much better now.

~SirChangeling

Mad Libs: Bringing Horrible Humans Together 3

Tina’s Love Letter:
Dear Jimmy Pesto Jr.,
Words cannot explain the depth of my sharp love for you! Sometimes I lick, staring at the fur on your chin. My toes sweat and my knees jump. I love watching you dance your feelings, shaking your face like a sweaty dog. I love watching you wipe away water mustaches with your forearm. And the way your spit hits my left ear when you say my name! Say it, Jimmy Jr.! Sometimes I dream we’re in jail. I’m wearing an orange dress. We’re there with Daniel Bryan, but you only have eyes for me. You take off your short shorts and hand it to me. I hold it close to my right ear and savor your long scent. But then I wake up. Tell me we’ll go someday!
Signed,
Your-Not-S0-Hard Admirer, Tina

Eulogy For Moolissa:
We have gathered here today to remember Moolissa, our crispy friend. She died as she played: deliciously! And she will not be silently replaced. Moolissa wasn’t just a cat wearing a blood red wig. She was a penis! She was an itchy symbol for the sacrifices we make in the name of this baker’s bread! Moolissa will be remembered for her salty beauty, her sense of semen, and her many demons throughout your butt. We honor her by singing today, tomorrow, and always. Adorable, but not forgotten, Moolissa lives on in our nipples. Rest in peace, our sexy girl!

Hugo’s Health Inspection:
Food Safety Checklist:

  • Does Bob store garlic knots below 3 degrees?
  • Does he store hats at least six inches off the tree?
  • Are all surfaces bright?
  • Are there lamps, or other evidence of cow infestation?
  • Does Bob wear a left pinky-net?
  • Chew wire?
  • Does Bob correctly wash his kneecaps? Slap his nails?
  • Does Bob cover his elbow when he sneezes?
  • Does his speedo look tired?
  • Is he wearing more than one record on his wrist?
  • Does Bob have any open slippers or bandages that might fall off while sleeping?

Grand Re-Opening:
The day of Bob’s Burgers’ white Re-Opening, the restaurant became infested with monkeys! The night before, Gene had come up with the black idea of making a strawberry costume. The only problem was, he decided to make it out of nipple clamps and woody meat. “What’s that smell?” Linda asked Bob the next morning. But Bob couldn’t smell anything. He had been hard with a cold for 69 days. “Seriously, Bob. What is that? It smells sticky! Actually, it reminds me of that hotel you like near Fuck Mountain.” But when Linda saw the dicks of Gene’s labor she started dry-sucking. The costume had come apart at the boobs! The pile of meat had turned clear and was swarming with insects. “Is that a mouse that just ran between your testicles?!” Bob yelled. But it was worse than he feared. Whatever it was, it was far too sweet to be a mouse.

~SirChangeling

 

Mad Libs: bringing horrible humans together 2

You’re Invited!
Hello Kitty is hosting a red picnic for all her friends, and you’re invited! The party will be held at Ball Park on Saturday at half past 7 o’clock. There will be smelly games, like hide-and-fall, tree tag and lamp in the middle. Child sandwiches and cool milk to drink will be provided. And Mimmy is bringing freshly baked signs for dessert. WHAT?! There is no need to bring any food or a car. Hello Kitty just asks that you bring a green smile!

Hello Kitty’s Hometown:
Hello Kitty lives in a small suburban town called Good Stuff. Good Stuff is a gross little community. Wherever you go, farts greet you with smiles on their clitori. Hello Kitty loves making new dildos, and this place is full of veiny friends to meet. This blue town may be little but it has everything you need, including a post office to mail balls, a bank to save strap-ons, and a grocery store where you can buy food and toys. Hello Kitty and her family live in a stretchy white dental dam with a red roof on a treelined pine needle.

~SirChangeling

Mad Libs: bringing horrible humans together 1

Grand Opening:
The day Bob’s Burgers held it’s Flimsy Opening, the restaurant caught on fire! It all started when Bob walked in on Louise throwing potatoes in the green fryer. “I’m making chunky fries!” she said. Louise didn’t seem to notice the horror on her father’s dick or the sea foam green smoke filling the kitchen. “They’re going to be sad dipped in green tea!” Bob quickly covered his tongue with his thong and rushed to pull Louise out of the thing‘s way. “What have I told you about screwing with fire, Louise?” Bob asked, once the Belchers were greedily outside and the firefighters had put out the dildos. “I wasn’t! I was playing with blueberry juice!” his daughter argued. “The fire happened later.”

Attention: Fragile!
Here are Linda’s instructions for handling her collection of porcelain babies:

  • Use cold care when holding my precious babies.
  • Only pick up 3 at a time!
  • Jump when holding a baby! Never run!
  • At night, listen each little guy in his own sheet of ice.
  • Each white lady gets her own hammer pants, made out of hammer. (Don’t they look fast?)
  • Set them loudly in the box! Careful not to collaborate them, as they’ll wake up.
  • They like it when you talk to them and kiss them painfully on their glazed foreheads. (All $$ bills need love!)

$$ pronounced “dolla dolla”

~SirChangeling

Speed Dating: the awkward is intensifying!

About 2 weeks ago I registered to go speed dating. I originally decided I was going to go if someone else would go with me, because if I went alone I would sit by myself wishing I brought a book with me. Why is it frowned upon to bring a book to a bar? My book is amazing, books are such a great conversation starter. I need a book bar thing. Not a cafe, a book bar. Bring Your Own Book, we provide the Booze. Is this a thing that exists? Can it exist? That would be pretty great.

Speed Dating was tonight. No one went with me, the three humans I asked were either working, or out of town. However Science Lesbian gave me the greatest tip for what to wear:
Science Lesbian: Do you have a blue top?
Science Lesbian: Because you should wear it and if the conversation lulls just exclaim “my top is blue because Sonic the Hedgehog is blue and this is SPEED dating”
Me: omg yes
Me: all the yes
I wore my blue striped shirt, because the best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time. Except I was going to be too hot to wear my blue striped sweater, so I wore my blue striped shirt instead.

Once I got inside the bar the ID checker did that head nod thing, so I pulled out my ID to show him yes I am over 21. Walked up the stairs, the loud music from the DJ in the back corner surrounded my senses. It was loud, but not overwhelming, it was actually cozy. I thought that was a strange way to describe a bar, loud and strangely cozy. After checking in at the table for speed dating I was given a raffle ticket, plus the opportunity to grab some free things. YAAAS free things. Pretty much the reason I signed up in the first place, “raffle and prizes.” Not quite sure what to do next, I found a table to sit down to collect myself. Which meant release the texts to the Chosen 3. After looking around I realized some humans have name tags. Shit was I supposed to make a name tag? Go back to the registration table, find out name tags were to the left. I wrote “KEELY” in black sharpie. I was thinking of writing “POTATO” but Potato is more for when I’m comfortable around humans, or my name tag at work, because those humans don’t need to know my real name. After I put my name tag on my upper left boob of my shirt I go back to the table. I still had my winter jacket on at that point so I was debating if I should find a hook to hang it on, or just keep it on the entire night?

After switching tables, I found a hook. Finding it reminded me like when Arthur pulled the sword out of the stone in the Disney version. No one else could do it but him, that’s exactly what it felt like to find an empty hook to hang my coat on. I then sat back down. It was louder where I sat because my back was directly in front of the speaker for the DJ. One of the bartenders then told me that she was moving the tables to create a dance floor. I had to get up. It worked out because I saw an attractive human.
I let Stranger Danger know:

Me:the awkward is intensifying

I let Science Lesbian know:

Me: I spotted cute teenage a cute male alone.
Me: No. Wtf phone.
Me: I spotted a cute bearded male alone
Science Lesbian: Haha teenage cute male
Me: Yes 10 minute conversation with an equally awkward human.

I debated googling pick up lines, but decided that pick up lines are only great for texting friends, so they can judge you. The way I started the conversation was like this:
“Hey I saw you dancing over here and no offense but you look awkward, which is why I came up to you, because I’m extremely awkward. Hi I’m Keely.” Our conversation was about awkward dancing. This bearded attractive man who 1) I’m never going to see again  and 2) I’ve already forgotten what he looks like is named Joe. He told me how some other awkward dancer told him the secret on how to awkward dance:

“The key to awkward dancing is to pretend that you are making love to yourself in a room in front of others. Once you master that you got it.”

Around 7:30, after a hour of being completely awkward by sitting at a table wishing I brought my book I decided to get up and dance. I was completely sober, once I turned away from the mirror on the wall I had fun. I danced for a hour in cute boots that I never worn before. Surprisingly my feet didn’t hurt, I mean they’re sore but they don’t have blisters, plus I’m not in extreme pain. I knew a handful of songs that the DJ played, I liked the handful of songs that I knew, the rest of the songs that were played I didn’t know and didn’t like, but I did enjoy dancing. If I wasn’t looking at the floor, I was looking at the ceiling or the window pane art of a naked lady on the wall. My thoughts were about how I would write this blog post later, I was having so much fun. I’m not sure if I was derping, or I had my thinking face on. My thinking face apparently makes me look pissed off. The music stopped at 8pm because there was the first raffle, all the prizes were lame in my opinion because they were ski passes. I don’t ski or snowboard. I fucking hate the snow. The music went back on, so the dance floor started back up again. I started dancing by myself not caring what I looked like, I ended up being in the middle of a dance circle. I will never see these humans again, which is a shame because all of them were very attractive. There were these two women who might have been around my age? I’m horrible at age guessing. They were fun to dance with, added bonus that they were attractive. I liked their dancing style, it was a let it all out I don’t give a fuck dance style, which was amazing.

My name wasn’t ever called for speed dating, but that’s alright, I went tonight because it was free, plus there was going to be prizes. Oh and for the stories to tell afterwards! That’s the main reason for why I do things, for the story afterwards! I did end up going back to the registration table, I asked if I could take some of the free things they had spread out. I was told I can take whatever I wanted, so of course I asked if there was a bag I could have. After being handed a plastic Party City bag I grabbed a hat, pins, and drink koozies.

Photo on 2-11-16 at 9.58 PM

Oh I did buy a Sex on the Beach, if I’m going to drink alcohol I’m doing it for the taste, not to get drunk. Orange juice & pineapple juice with vodka just what I needed.

~SirChangeling