About 2 weeks ago I registered to go speed dating. I originally decided I was going to go if someone else would go with me, because if I went alone I would sit by myself wishing I brought a book with me. Why is it frowned upon to bring a book to a bar? My book is amazing, books are such a great conversation starter. I need a book bar thing. Not a cafe, a book bar. Bring Your Own Book, we provide the Booze. Is this a thing that exists? Can it exist? That would be pretty great.
Speed Dating was tonight. No one went with me, the three humans I asked were either working, or out of town. However Science Lesbian gave me the greatest tip for what to wear:
Science Lesbian: Do you have a blue top?
Science Lesbian: Because you should wear it and if the conversation lulls just exclaim “my top is blue because Sonic the Hedgehog is blue and this is SPEED dating”
Me: omg yes
Me: all the yes
I wore my blue striped shirt, because the best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time. Except I was going to be too hot to wear my blue striped sweater, so I wore my blue striped shirt instead.
Once I got inside the bar the ID checker did that head nod thing, so I pulled out my ID to show him yes I am over 21. Walked up the stairs, the loud music from the DJ in the back corner surrounded my senses. It was loud, but not overwhelming, it was actually cozy. I thought that was a strange way to describe a bar, loud and strangely cozy. After checking in at the table for speed dating I was given a raffle ticket, plus the opportunity to grab some free things. YAAAS free things. Pretty much the reason I signed up in the first place, “raffle and prizes.” Not quite sure what to do next, I found a table to sit down to collect myself. Which meant release the texts to the Chosen 3. After looking around I realized some humans have name tags. Shit was I supposed to make a name tag? Go back to the registration table, find out name tags were to the left. I wrote “KEELY” in black sharpie. I was thinking of writing “POTATO” but Potato is more for when I’m comfortable around humans, or my name tag at work, because those humans don’t need to know my real name. After I put my name tag on my upper left boob of my shirt I go back to the table. I still had my winter jacket on at that point so I was debating if I should find a hook to hang it on, or just keep it on the entire night?
After switching tables, I found a hook. Finding it reminded me like when Arthur pulled the sword out of the stone in the Disney version. No one else could do it but him, that’s exactly what it felt like to find an empty hook to hang my coat on. I then sat back down. It was louder where I sat because my back was directly in front of the speaker for the DJ. One of the bartenders then told me that she was moving the tables to create a dance floor. I had to get up. It worked out because I saw an attractive human.
I let Stranger Danger know:
Me:the awkward is intensifying
I let Science Lesbian know:
Me: I spotted cute teenage a cute male alone.
Me: No. Wtf phone.
Me: I spotted a cute bearded male alone
Science Lesbian: Haha teenage cute male
Me: Yes 10 minute conversation with an equally awkward human.
I debated googling pick up lines, but decided that pick up lines are only great for texting friends, so they can judge you. The way I started the conversation was like this:
“Hey I saw you dancing over here and no offense but you look awkward, which is why I came up to you, because I’m extremely awkward. Hi I’m Keely.” Our conversation was about awkward dancing. This bearded attractive man who 1) I’m never going to see again and 2) I’ve already forgotten what he looks like is named Joe. He told me how some other awkward dancer told him the secret on how to awkward dance:
“The key to awkward dancing is to pretend that you are making love to yourself in a room in front of others. Once you master that you got it.”
Around 7:30, after a hour of being completely awkward by sitting at a table wishing I brought my book I decided to get up and dance. I was completely sober, once I turned away from the mirror on the wall I had fun. I danced for a hour in cute boots that I never worn before. Surprisingly my feet didn’t hurt, I mean they’re sore but they don’t have blisters, plus I’m not in extreme pain. I knew a handful of songs that the DJ played, I liked the handful of songs that I knew, the rest of the songs that were played I didn’t know and didn’t like, but I did enjoy dancing. If I wasn’t looking at the floor, I was looking at the ceiling or the window pane art of a naked lady on the wall. My thoughts were about how I would write this blog post later, I was having so much fun. I’m not sure if I was derping, or I had my thinking face on. My thinking face apparently makes me look pissed off. The music stopped at 8pm because there was the first raffle, all the prizes were lame in my opinion because they were ski passes. I don’t ski or snowboard. I fucking hate the snow. The music went back on, so the dance floor started back up again. I started dancing by myself not caring what I looked like, I ended up being in the middle of a dance circle. I will never see these humans again, which is a shame because all of them were very attractive. There were these two women who might have been around my age? I’m horrible at age guessing. They were fun to dance with, added bonus that they were attractive. I liked their dancing style, it was a let it all out I don’t give a fuck dance style, which was amazing.
My name wasn’t ever called for speed dating, but that’s alright, I went tonight because it was free, plus there was going to be prizes. Oh and for the stories to tell afterwards! That’s the main reason for why I do things, for the story afterwards! I did end up going back to the registration table, I asked if I could take some of the free things they had spread out. I was told I can take whatever I wanted, so of course I asked if there was a bag I could have. After being handed a plastic Party City bag I grabbed a hat, pins, and drink koozies.
Oh I did buy a Sex on the Beach, if I’m going to drink alcohol I’m doing it for the taste, not to get drunk. Orange juice & pineapple juice with vodka just what I needed.