July was a blur, on the 21st Birth Giver and I went to the Great Escape in Lake George, NY. She won free tickets so of course I took the day off from work, to go to an amusement park. The last time I remember going to an amusement park such as the Great Escape was in the 6th grade. I had to get over my fear of automatic flushing toilets, it was either that or pee myself, which in 6th grade is good enough reason to move states. However seeing as that wasn’t an option, plus my bladder was going to explode on me, I had to sit on the toilet and hope I wouldn’t get flushed away when the toilet automatically flushed. Obviously I didn’t get flushed down.
Facebook told me it’s SMIFF’s birthday, like I’m some kind of peasant who doesn’t know the anniversary of when my Soul Mate In Friend Form graced Earth with her presence. She’s 102 according to her Facebook settings. She’s a burger throwing badass so don’t mess with her. (Haha she’ll love that sentence)
I got a kitten in May, I didn’t write a post about her because every time I would ask if she was ready to be exploited on my blog she mewed and ran off. I took that as a “not yet.” We bonded the moment I held her in the store. She fit in my shirt pocket and snuggled into one of my chest pillows. She was still too tiny so I couldn’t bring her home that day, I told her to eat lots, so she’ll be big enough that I can bring her home. As soon as I put her back in the play pen she went right for her food dish.
She hasn’t left my side since the day Birth Giver brought her home to me. She was my 25th birthday present, I don’t think anyone can beat her for the best gift…just saying! I named her Appelsin, which means “orange” (as in the fruit) in Danish. I named my mostly black kitty orange. I was looking for an orange tabby, but when I met Appelsin, we both connected instantly. I’ve had really good luck with black animals in the past. Boobsie is a tuxedo kitty, Orey is black and white, Winnie was black with white markings, and now Appelsin who is all black with a tiny white spot on her chest as well as her belly. I like booping her white spot on her belly….my battle wounds are worth it.
My Instagram @changelingderp has pictures of Appelsin. I love the tag #appelsin on Instagram. Pictures and videos of fruit with sprinkles of pictures and videos of a little black kitty.
My depression has been on the lower side lately, but I’ve been trying to stay positive. Doctor visits, therapy, as well as snuggles with Boobsie and Appelsin are helping.
I wanted to make an update blog post so I didn’t continue feeling bad about myself. I changed the layout, which is pretty much equivalent to making 5 new posts.
As summer is ending, I’m very excited to see all the back-to-school merchandise out. I absolutely hated school, but I loved seeing all the new, cute stationery in stores. Now that I’m not in school, I can soak in the love of cute stationery without the fear of going back to school. I’m not a supporter of telling kids to stay in school, I wanted to drop out in elementary school. That didn’t happen, so I waited for middle school, it didn’t happen. High school was the breaking point, I have no idea how I survived high school. College was fun until I realized that I had to do work…I just wanted to go to the clubs, meet new friends, and buy cute stationery. By clubs I mean anime club, not clubs as in alcohol, skimpy clothing, with loud techno.
There seems to be a confusion about my Rock Band. They aren’t a band in the sense that they play instruments or sing, they’re a band as in they band together. My rocks are there for each other and me. Each time I pick up a rock I needed to find it for some reason. I’ve had friends help name my rocks as a way to help me keep connected.
1 .Bob the Boulder: It was late fall 2015, I don’t remember 2015 that great. 2015 was as if my mind was on pause, so my body just operated on its own. I think I had so much shit happen to me in 2014, that I had to block out 2015 so I wouldn’t have more shit piled on. The last 6 months of 2014 I had multiple humans abandon me during the time I needed them the most, these were human who I thought were my friends. I realize now it was for the best, unfortunately I wasn’t able to realize this sooner. During fall 2015 I was at my worst, my closest friends lived states away, I couldn’t open my door to greet SMiFF like in college. Every time I walked to work I would pass this rock on the side of the road, I would give it that head nod, the ones that humans give to each other as a greeting. You know the one that doesn’t involve talking, aka the best kind of greeting. One day before leaving Potato Manor I grabbed a reusable cloth bag, when I walked up to Bob I picked it up and put it inside my bag. Bob ended up being half covered in dirt. So basically I dug up a huge rock before going to work. When I walked into the cafe I remember Ms. Rapture asking me what was weighing down my bag I had draped over my arm. I told her I found a new friend in the form of a rock. I texted Science Lesbian asking for rock puns, she delivered with Bob the Boulder along with a few other options. My former coworkers agreed Bob the Boulder was the best name.
2. Kk the llama Rock: Stranger Danger texts “K” to me all the time. Yes, he’s one of those humans who texts me pictures of decapitated bodies. (OK looks like a sideways stick figure) I texted him asking to name my pet rock, he responded with “Kk” I responded with “Ll” because our conversations are amazing. Llama was the first word to come to mind that started with “Ll” According to Stranger Danger I named Kk the Llama Rock in homage to him, since he had no part in naming my rock.
3. Squire Spud: This one is in the shape of a potato. I’m Sir-Changeling aka Potato, so of course I have a squire! A friend named this one for me.
4. Peaches: Birth Giver found this rock on one of her hikes. She suggested I name it Crystal because of the way it looked. That was such a generic name, I asked SMiFF who informed me the name Peaches was better.
5. Melvin: This rock showed itself to me when I was leaving the Lake House aka my grandparents’ summer home. Melvin Village, New Hampshire on Lake Winnipesaukee is the location of the Lake House. I never refer to the Lake House as my second home, it has always been my grandparents’ summer home, saying that it’s my second home never felt right to say. In my dreams the Lake House always appears as a safety base right before a nightmare starts.
6. Shit Nugget: I was walking to meet Birth Giver at a gas station so she could then drive me back to Potato Manor. (This was during when I was in CKA, the sous chef would be making up lies to stir up unnecessary drama in the class. Which gave me unnecessary panic attacks that resulted to locking myself in a bathroom trying to calm down enough to get through the day.) I was angrily stomping my way to the gas station, I was upset that this disgusting human was able to get to me this much. I found a rock at the same moment I shouted “She’s such a shit nugget!” I then squeezed my rage into said rock, my anger was able to go through me into the vessel of a rock. With the help of my classmates and Chef I was able to succeed in blocking out her drama. Having my Chef say “it’s okay to say no” was a huge relief for me. I never told the sous chef “no” but I said it in a different way, which apparently was me sassing her in a way that made her livid. My classmates told me to keep on sassing this human, since it gave them life. Shit Nugget is that reminder that I won’t let some disgusting human get me down.
7. King Momo: I had this rock that was without a name, so I posted on Facebook that I needed a name for a rock, in exchange I would send noms to the winner. A friend I’ve known since Elementary School provided the name “King Momo” she also told me to look up the meaning behind the name.
8. Petunia: While visiting my brother’s girlfriend’s parents on a mini vacation with Birth Giver we were tourists at Plymouth Rock. Along the shops in the area there was a small one with Harry Potter merchandise. I found a rock outside the shop, deciding to name it Petunia rather than Plymouth (the name that was suggested).
9. Lucifer aka Luci: On my way to bother…uh I mean drop off noms, visit former coworkers, and try to free the major guilt that was associated with my former work place. I found a rock. I gave my 2 weeks notice in late February 2016, however I wasn’t able to free my guilty conscious from the flashbacks until January 2017. Flashbacks of having to leave all the time because of anxiety attacks from register trauma. End 2014 to early 2015 not only was I severely depressed, but I was terrified of an assistant manger who worked there. I couldn’t work the closing shifts on Mondays, because the fear this assistant manager gave me was so strong. I was convinced he would kill me from the day I met him. Saying this out loud seemed so ridiculous I kept it bottled up.
Whenever I had to work a shift I would prep myself 2 hours before leaving Potato Manor. Of course even then I wasn’t able to complete my shift, I would get to work act like I got this, last about 2 hours, end up having to flee from register because I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I never really forgave myself for letting down coworkers as well as the other managers who thought they could count on me. I would mentally beat myself up about this night after night. At one point after holding in 5+ hours worth of anxiety this assistant manager told me “we don’t need you anymore” before taking my register drawer to go count it in the office. I broke down in front of everyone. I somehow was able to tell the head manager that I needed to leave right then. I couldn’t look him in the eye as I told him this. I was so broken from such extreme mental issues.
I kept hoping the flashbacks would stop once that assistant manager left. Obviously that didn’t happen, instead increased panic attacks happened. I thought about leaving to find a different job, but whenever I would look at job ads I would have so much anxiety that I could never click on the job description. When I finally was able to leave the job I had the most guilt from the feel like I was abandoning everyone who counted on me. Especially the head manger. I never really felt as though I deserved the amount of respect he gave me. I stayed as long as I did because I couldn’t bring myself to leave, I felt as though I owed him so much for all he did for me. That’s a weird sentence, I feel I owe a person for treating me with respect.
I would always bring noms as a peace offering to the Friendly’s Ghost in hopes that maybe I could be free from this fear. It took until January 2017 to be free from the traumatic flashbacks. I invited myself to a work meeting, I told humans it was for the free food, when really it was so I could soothe my guilty conscious. I skipped one of those work meetings in 2014 because of the insane amount of fear due to that one manager. Lucifer seemed like a good name for this rock, which is tiny by the way. This tiny rock which stands for so much fear I’ve gone through.
10. Tootie: I told Birth Giver that while at Goodwill I farted since another customer was getting too close to my personal space. My grandmother told me she taught me well. There was a rock near Birth Giver’s car as she picked me up that day.
11. Herbert: I dunno, I found it while shopping at outlet stores. I thought the name was odd, like my rock.
12. Stirling Hatred: SMiFF gave me the name as we were reminiscing inside jokes from college. I had a rock that needed a name, after a fit of giggles it was decided.
16. Dewey: SMiFF loves Malcolm in the Middle I had 4 rocks which needed names.
17. Wanker: it’s fun to say…
18. Fredlicia: I walked into my former work place with noms as well as the announcement that I found a new rock, who needs a name. Fred was a name that was suggested, someone else told me to add “licia” to the end. Thus Fredlicia!
19. Global Warming: This one is in the shape of Vermont. Winter 2016-2017 has been crazy.
Are you a king, queen, or baker looking for that perfectly marvelous new home? Then have we got a cute place for you! King Potato‘s sexy castle has just come on the market! Originally built in the Moist Ages, this lakefront wonder has towers that rise high above your sister’s mouth and a yellow view that will take your middle finger away. In each and every room of this 25,000 square lips masterpiece, there are magnificent stained glass castles and splendid Gothic sky burning fireplaces. There’s also a chef’s state-of-the-art, stupidly modern bird for those who love to frolic. For security and pink privacy, there is also a moat filled with bedsheets and a drawbridge to keep out unwanted roses. Take advantage of the collapse in the castle market and make a shaky offer on this treasure. The asking price is a ridiculously low 3,002 dollars.
The Judge’s Decision
When it was my turn to audition for Pinky Idol, the reality show where people compete to be the best solo hood, I sang from the depths of my very left hand. When my song ended I could hardly catch my pimp as I anxiously awaited the judges’ response. First, SMIFF was very kind. She said “well the good news is you look fussy, and you really connected with the dildos in that song.” Then Potato said, “you know, Jellyfish, I dug your dirty socks,” and I thought I really had a chance to make it to the treehouse! But then mean, old Potato said, “Horrid. Terrible. Zesty. You sounded like an animal trapped inside a chesticle.” I gasped and shouted, “well you just don’t know anything about heater!” I stormed out of the glasses. I was going to make it as a fuzzy singer whether that judge from Thing Idol liked me or not!
Cats Vs. Dogs, Part 1
The yellow debate remains: which pet is better, a cat or a dog? Here are some purr-fect reasons why cats make dirty pets:
Cats come and jump as they please, exploring the neighbor’s sammich, climbing tall dicks, or basking in the midday boob.
Cats are mysterious. Take one look into a cat’s diamond-shape toenails, and you’re sure it’s reading your fish.
Cats are known for their gross cleanliness. They wash themselves by licking their fur with their scratchy nipple.
Cats purr. It’s a truly slimy sound that can even win the earlobe of a non-cat lover.
Finally, a cat is reputed to have 2 lives which makes it the cat’s meow!
In my opinion, snakes are the scariest ocelots on the planet. My fear of snakes began when I was away at Camp Rambunskush one summer. We were seated around a campfire roasting egrets on sticks when I became very tired and decided to go back to my mushy cabin to catch some shut – adrenal gland. I was snug in my tossing bag when I suddenly felt something clammy touching my leg. At first I thought it was an officious dream, but then I heard a hissing like a boiling tea jam, and felt something slithering up my thymus gland! I dated at the top of my lungs and was out of my armoire in a split second. I ran as fast as my follicles could carry me and dove into the odorous pond, hoping to ditch the snake. To my embarrassment, it turned out to be a harmless garter cadbury. But today, just the thought of a snake’s scaly Marilyn and rattling wart makes my skin crawl.
The Summer of Love Letters, Part 1
I was in the attic going through some old burgers when to my sleepy surprise, I came across my parents’ old love keys. Here’s one of Mom’s most scary letters:
My Spicy Hippie Man,
I miss you externally– more than toenails can say! I miss your adorable smile. I miss the way my penis beats when your eyes stare instantly into mine. I miss going for long walks at your mom’s butt at sunset. Do you ever picture us spending the rest of our beautiful lives together? I do. I dream of our living in a cozy house with a picket vibrator. I know in my heart of strap-ons that I want to grow painful with you.
With all my hard love, SMIFF
Sometimes I wish I didn’t have such extreme social anxiety. Example, there’s this person who I’ve seen on the bus multiple times, the first time I noticed their boots were absolutely fabulous. Another time I noticed their shirt was super cute, today while on the bus I was admiring their tube top shirt. They definitely caught me looking at them…multiple times. I wanted to tell them that I like their fashion choices. However the conversation in my mind of how many different ways the conversation would end badly, made me almost missed my stop to get off.
I’m on my 6th week in my cooking class. I’m so exhausted after each day, that when I arrive home I pretty much flop on my bed. I turn my laptop on, so I can browse a few sites (I am from the Internet after all) only to have to close it because I can no longer keep my eyes open. It’s difficult for me to be working this hard, every weekday. Stress builds up, to the point of breakdowns which could mean screaming, crying, and slamming doors. Or just screaming at the top of my lungs, until I pass out. I really enjoy my class however, it just takes a lot of my energy.
About three weeks ago I was told to stay away from dairy until further notice. Today I was finishing up a chocolate milk box when I realized that chocolate milk is dairy. I blame the fact that I was in a hot kitchen all morning on the edge of dehydration because all the water I was drinking was sweating out within minutes, as my reason for forgetting that chocolate milk has dairy. When I returned home I had 4 heath bar cupcakes I made earlier in the morning. They were very dairy filled. I was in pain later. Kinda worth the pain.
My reason for not going vegan a couple years ago, was because I LOVE DAIRY PRODUCTS. However now that I can’t have dairy because doctor’s orders, (I’m having trouble following that rule) going vegan seemed doable. That is until I remembered I hate cows and chickens so that’s why I eat them. In college I had to watch a video about what slaughterhouses are doing to animals. The whole time watching the video I craved a burger. Right after that class I had a hamburger for lunch, the burgers in the cafeteria were gross, but I needed a burger asap. I blame the video. Those videos do pretty much the opposite for me, I was watching a youtube video about how the egg industry is shitty, I wanted a plate of eggs over easy in front of me. When I see cows in fields I see burgers. Yeah I couldn’t be a vegan.
It sucks how easily offended humans are these days. I live for humor, I love pushing the line. I send my SMFF Hitler comics I find because we’re horrible humans so we find it hilarious. If you can’t laugh at the shit life throws your way, I don’t think we would get along.
I feel like this often, seeing as I loathe having Trisomy X syndrome. I don’t want the extra x chromosome. It makes my life way too difficult. Someone once called me Super Female I laughed it off, because yes I get the joke. But ugh being called female just makes me want to sucker punch the human who called me that. Except I have pansy hands, so that would never happen. The consequences for attempting to sucker punch someone isn’t really worth it. I hate female pronouns.
I’ve been trying to flatten my huge chest for awhile, I bought binders, but ugh it’s getting too hot for that. I believe in the rule: “if you got it flaunt it” I have huge tits, which have the Titty twins tattooed on them, so obviously I should show flaunt the art! I don’t care if humans want to stare at my chest. Staring at my chest is the same for someone who wants to stare at my legs. Look at them! I don’t care. I’m growing out my leg hair to support werewolves.
To fuck a Brokeback Mountain is the name of a very sweaty book. The main character is a tent named Potato, who lives in Texas and likes to finger. One day, the main character goes to the store to buy sheep. There she meets a grass named SMFF. SMFF says, “Will you be my horse?” and the main character says, “Uhhh yes!” The two go on a white adventure and meet all kinds of sticky people. They get lost, but then they find a kind cum who shows them the way home. In the end, the main character learns that you should always be true to your Justin Bieber. And she lives erotically ever after.
Sing Along, Part 1
You may be a black musical expert now, but do you remember some of the first skates you ever learned to sing? Let’s take a walk down bar lane as we recall some cunty children’s song, Mad Libs style!
The itsy-smelly spider went up the pee spout. Down came the rain and washed the beach out. Out came the grocery store and dried up all the rain and the itsy-bitsy spider went up your mom again.
All around the mulberry sewer, the panther chased the weasel. The monkey stopped to pull up his shirt. “PENISSS!” goes the weasel.
Rock-a-bye, chair in the treetop. When the bus blows the cradle will rock. When the corner store* breaks, the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, school and all.
Now let’s see how many of these moisty patriotic songs you know:
My floor ’tis of thee, sweet street corner of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers fucked, land of the pilgrims’ pride, from every mountainside, let panties ring!
Yankee-Doodle went to town, a-riding on a garbage. Stuck a feather in his ball and called it Tuna Salad. Yankee-Doodle, keep it up! Yankee Doodle dandy. Mind the music and the car, and with the girls be slimy!
And the rockets’ hot glare the vibrators bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our Church was still there. Oh, say, does that star-spangled Jesus yet wave, o’er the land of the dopey and the home of the humpy.
Once upon a time, a vampire was desperate for some satanic blood. There were no humans around, and he was on the verge of a red breakdown. He was searching everywhere for victims when he spotted a creepy tabby cat that made his tongue water. He decided to make this bloody little fur ball his student as well as his gay victim. The cat, renamed Count Potato VonCat, became the world’s first feline vampire. Count VonCat terrorized the town of Peanut Butter and Jelly Sammich-ville and used his cheerfully sweet purr and pretty stare to lure innocent googly eyes into his clutches. To this day, Count VonCat continues his hunt- even at the ripe bubbly age of 666. He was last seen in the quite village of Clitopia, stabbing in alleyways and preying on fangs who fall for his wet cuteness and fuzzy charm.
How To Survive A Zombie Attack
Are zombies trying to take over your bar? Grab a penis immediately and start fending off those long monsters before you become one yourself! Here are some smelly tips for survival.
Zombies want to eat your pussy, so put on a Random College before heading out to save your yellow town.
You can become a zombie via a zombie bite. Therefore, wear a suit made of mice to protect your skin. If you see that one of your friends has a bite, stay far away. That friend may now be a bottle! Don’t waste your round time trying to turn someone you know back into a shampoo. There’s no way to un-zombie a shiny zombie.
The phrase “Keep you friends close and your shirts closer” does not apply here! If you spot any zombies, run for the thongs.
Princess Seeking Fairy Godmother
Wanted: One blind godmother needed immediately for SMFF, a very hairy young princess with a slimy personality. Applicant must have at least 69 years of smelly experience helping princesses or other royal cats live up to their Florida and making their Stranger Dangers come true. The ideal candidate should be able to turn pumpkins into dicks and mice into houses who are capable of pulling oversized apples. Since the princess enjoys balloon fingering with tender princes, expertise in waltzes, polkas, and vaginas is a must. Salary will be paid in golden hotels– as many as you can carry in your mouths. Please apply as truthfully as possible!
From A Spell Book For Wicked Queens
Need to make a big princess fall into a deep, long sleep? Here is a recipe that will bring incredibly short results. First, put a large boney cauldron, filled to the brim with water, on an open Keely and heat to 4 degrees. When it begins to boil add a cliteris from a newt and 7 freshly caught black lizards. Mash them up well and mix with the knee of a toad and the Times Square of a small, furry balloon. Once again bring to a spiny boil. Now you can offer the brew to any unsuspecting fat princess. They fall for it every time. But beware: No matter how strong the beautiful potion is, true love will reverse it’s white spell every time!
Oh Shit! I can’t believe I won a chicken award! I have dreamed of this day since I was little pineapple. I’d like to thanks all of the scary people who helped make this lemonade become a reality, starting with my stripper and, of course my loving midget who supported me through thick and slushy. He believed in my lipstick when I was just a writer in a small-town diner, struggling to make hens meet. He gave me the strength to keep on sucking no matter what. To the other nominees, I want to say how blue I feel to be nominated alongside you. Each one of you is a crunchy artist. It’s been a long journey, but worth every veggie chip! Thank you from the bottom of my toenail!
Postcard From A Safari
Wish you were here on this bright African Safari! We are having the most hard time of our fats. Believe it or not, on the first day, we saw a mother fan and her baby cars drinking alcohol from a watering hole. The second day, we climbed onto the back of a healthy elephant and went through inside your mom, and the beauty took my Nutella away. But the best- and weirdest- part was saved for last. We were deep in the forest when a huge monkey climbed into the hood of our Wonder Woman and took a swipe at us with its powerful penis. But as this letter attests, we survived. All in all, this has been a really freckly trip. Thankfully you’ll be able to share our luscious adventures because I’ve taken more than 1,562 pictures with my trusty digital butt. As they say, seeing is dying.
A smelly letter to Boo Boo from the boy band Boyz 4 Now:
Dear Boo Boo,
(What kind of bumpy name is that, anyway?),
I doubt you remember me. My name is Louise. I snuck onto your tour train after your concert in the mall I hid in a hamper, covered in panties, and surprised you. I was wearing pink lion ears. Does any of this ring a Kanye West? Now I catch myself mumbling JimmilyBoo when I see your vagina on my sister’s wall. And it makes me sick. What should I do?
Yours truly, sexually, deeply,
P.S. How’s that beautiful, hideous toe of yours?
Jimmy Pesto Survival Kit
When challenged by his business rival, Bob follows the Green Rule: A vulva for a vulva. He keeps the following on hand, just in case.
Aspirin- for Jimmy’s Pasta– induced shaft-aches.
A creeper disguise -for licking into the pizzeria unnoticed.
Two matching dildos– for bribing Pesto’s twins. SMFF and Potato
A toy sex panther – for planting in Pesto’s restaurant to deter customers. (A real sex panther might work too, if slimy)
Photos of Jimmy with his thong off- to magenta– mail him, if necessary.
Linda: Why should we hire you, SMFF? Interviewee: I’m a sweet learner. I’ll sniffed hard. I’ll show up 666 minutes early and won’t leave until I get the Jesus Penis done. Linda: What are your boobs and weaknesses? Interviewee: I don’t sweat the sticky stuff, which is both good and spicy. I try to keep my scrotum on the preppy picture. But I try not to let myself cut roommates either. Linda: Where do you see yourself in 518 years? When I was your age, I wanted to be a Lawyer or a Stripper Pole singer! Interviewee: I have wanted to be a chef since I was a fart. Linda: Jesus Titty Fucking Christ! You’re hired! But don’t tell Bobby that, or he might think I’m scrolling him out of the business. Seriously, don’t tell him.
Hello my soft friend! How are you doing at Your Anus? I hope you are happy and sticky! I am doing nicely. I have been reading lots of vibrators lately. School is fugly. Lately we are studying cookies, and I got a X on my test! Mimmy and I are planning a trip to the Strip Club. I am so excited! And I met a new friend named Science Lesbian. She likes to suck almost as much as I do. You would like her very much! Please say hi to Potato for me and give him a big hug and an Earth!
I’m visiting my Soul Mate in Friend Form from March 25- April 6th, even though it’s only been 3 days it feels like 100. I guess that’s says a lot about our bond. We’re not sick of each other and even if we were, we know how to give each other space. The only thing that she has been complaining about me is because I’m “suffocating” her with my farts. I’m not sorry, because farts are hilarious.
We’ve been watching Lifetime movies and Law and Order: SVU so sappy relationship stories then violent murder stories. As well as downloading dating apps to see who is in the area. I somehow managed to have guys Super Like me on Tinder I have no idea how that happened. My best pick up line: “Would you consider yourself a pussy magnet? Those kittens are adorable!” The guy was shirtless holding 3 kittens. So far no luck most of the guys are in medical school which is a no go for me seeing as I have a massive fear of doctors.
Here’s some of the highlights of my visit so far:
Night of March 25
My stomach hurts so my farts are coming out as they please.
“Wow that sounded like a motor boat fart.”
“I’m sorry! I can’t help it!”
“Omg! that smells like Matcha!”
“No it doesn’t!”
“Yes it does! You keep drinking them so you’re used to the smell.”
“Yeah that makes sense.”
“Oh my god! Your matcha fart smells! It’s creeping up on me, I’m suffocating right now! It’s lingering! It’s like your fart is a ghost and won’t leave until I smell it.”
“Yeah my fart is a ghost and poking you on the shoulder…smell me and I’ll go away.”
. . .
“Are you kidding me? It’s like Matcha fart the sequel.”
. . .
“I can still smell it. I hope you’re happy with yourself.”
“Yeah…oh this is pretty bad.”
“Now you can smell it.”
“Yeah the wind blew it in my face.”
“If I wake up because of that smell I’m going to murder you.”
“Save my laptop.”
“You won’t be able to use it.”
“So? Save it anyway.”
“Fine I’ll put it in the grave with you.”
All of a sudden my Soul Mate in Friend Form yell yawned.
“What the hell was that?”
“Oh sorry I sometimes yell when I yawn”
“I almost farted. I fart when I’m scared.”
“Can you imagine a super power where you fart and knock out your opponents? Talk about a nasty ass smell!”
Night of March 26
While watching Jurassic Park 2 during the scene of the Trex in San Diego, SMFF and I hear two girls screaming at each other outside. Jurassic Park is muted so we can hear them bitch at each other. SMFF subtly looks out her window while on her bed whereas I was on my air mattress so I didn’t have the gracefulness to go on her bed to look out the window. Instead I crouched right in front of the other window to watch them. The screaming stopped because the two girls totally saw me. I was banned from looking out the window for the rest of the night.
Night of March 27
Told SMFF how I didn’t want to go downstairs to watch her make dinner, so she spilled the spaghetti noodles on the ground. I helped her pick them up. I told her I’d make the cupcakes, she let me know it was planned that I’d be the one to make cupcakes. We still ate the spaghetti noodles even though they spilled on the hard wood floor. Homemade spaghetti with mozzarella stuffed meatballs were delicious despite the noodles being whole grain.
Night of March 28
We’re watching Walk the Line. I’m debating if I want to eat the rest of the cupcakes I have for my share. I made 24 all together, SMFF frosted her half since frosting is disgusting so I left mine edible. She questioned how I was able to eat 12 cupcakes all at once. My secret? It’s a fat kid talent…however I was only able to eat 8 at once.
Phone calls with my Soul Mate in Friend Form are the only phone conversation I can have without anxiety attacks. They last anywhere from 8 minutes to about 2 hours, (the phone calls, not my anxiety attacks. Those last anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours) the conversations are always jumping in different directions. Ermahgerd she is so damn quiet on the other end I’m pretty sure the call was lost or something, since she is so fucking silent on the other end there are times where I’m just talking into my phone for 10 minutes because the call was lost or her phone died. So then I have to Facebook message her asking what was the last thing she heard. Ugh technology.
Our recent phone call was reminiscing college memories.
SMFF: Do you remember whatsherface? She was a total bitch, she was in my major as well as that acting club.
Me: Was she the one with short brown hair, glasses, a cute figure, plus huge boobs? I’m totally not straight.
SMFF: I don’t think she had a cute figure, but yes to the rest.
Me: I think we’re thinking of the same person.
SMFF: She got all mad at that whole issue you had with that upperclassman.
Me: OH! Yes we’re thinking of the same person. My issue with that other person was completely taken out of proportion I made a tumblr post without using any names, made it quite vague, but still it was found out. Then her friends attacked me, so I tried to get the main person not to walk at graduation because I’m an asshole like that. Looking back the whole thing is hilarious.
SMFF: We’re such assholes.
Me: Yeah it’s great!
There was more to the conversation, but college memories was the main focus. That plus how we are horrible humans in the sense that our humor is highly offensive to other humans, but we’re both okay with it. We know our audience, but sometimes we don’t care, we both love seeing the reactions from others. I was telling her I know when not to cross the line when in public. I will inch towards the line, sashay towards the line, sometimes even trip and fall towards the line! However I make sure to fall back not to go over the line.
When the two of us are together it’s so comforting for the both of us. We get so many looks from pedestrians walking by, perhaps it’s from our loud laughter at inappropriately timed jokes or…no that’s probably why we get those looks.
Me: I was remembering when blah visited me 2 summers ago, and when The Shopping Cart made that offensive comment.
SMFF: I remember you telling me that. That was such a dick comment.
SMFF: Are you still laughing at that?
Me: No…Why do you think that?
SMFF: I can hear you laughing!
Me: When The Shopping Cart made that comment I tried so hard not to laugh right then and there! I don’t think I succeeded. He said such an offensive comment, omg he is such a dick.
SMFF: Look at us, we’re laughing over this. We’re such assholes.
I’m so glad I have snapchat. SMFF doesn’t use snapchat as much as I do, but sometimes when I least expect it I get a beautiful snap. What’s great with snapchat is the filters distort faces or you can add things. ART!!
We’re great at reenacting cartoons.
After I dropped out of college (I love saying that, I don’t see how saying I left because I was at the point of thinking about suicide since I was so stressed is considered a frowned upon thing? I dropped out of college to better myself. I don’t want to go back!) SMFF told me how some humans went up to her asking where her girlfriend was? My first thought: Awww they cared! Second thought: hahaha they thought we were lesbians! I can check that off now, being so close to someone other humans think we’re lesbians. I feel like I leveled up in life.