Leveling up in Personal Growth

Last week I decided to contact Shopping Cart, I was thinking about contacting him for awhile, mainly I wanted to hear why he didn’t do anything the night I was molested by his friend as he watched from a couple feet away. I was mentally ready to hear his side. His response: “Nothing happened. You were not molested or sexually assaulted. He put his arm around you. We had some drinks, he smoked, then he left.” Shopping Cart truly believes that nothing happened that night, he’s not in denial, he’s just a shitty human who doesn’t see women as humans, but more of objects. He tried to pimp me out that night, I ended up breaking down crying in the parking lot once I was able to get away. That was pretty much the breaking point for me, however I still wanted to please Shopping Cart, he was very manipulative, whereas I being gullible hung on to his every word.

When he moved to Florida a month later I was at rock bottom of my mental state, I had been off my medication (he convinced me I should go off my meds, because I “didn’t need them, it’s all in my head”) I was fighting with inner demons to get out of the ditch I had closed myself into. I had put so many walls up, which ended up crumbling down within minutes of hearing loud noises. I had so many nightmares about that night of June 12, 2014, I blamed myself for so long, it was obviously my fault, right? I was the one who trusted Shopping Cart, I was the one who went along with the wild side of living life on the edge. No matter how many humans told me it wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t believe them. It took months upon months for me to realize that it wasn’t. my. fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. I said “NO!” Multiple times!

I mentioned to SMIFF that I contacted Shopping Cart again, I told her I wanted to see who he was with fresh eyes so to speak, I saw him for who he was, rather than this perfect human my mind kept trying to tell me. I told Birth Giver that I contacted Shopping Cart, her response was “why would you do that to yourself?” It wasn’t exactly the response I was hoping for. However when I told my therapist she agreed that it was a great personal growth for me. Yes, that was the response I was looking for.

Being able to talk to him on the phone, then over messenger video helped me so much, I questioned my past, but also realized how much I changed. Now I would never talk to someone who acts or thinks the way he does. My nightmares of him are gone.

The next day after talking to him, my past self popped back up telling my present self that I should give him another chance:

Past Potato: He was gentle with you during the hookups…
Now Potato: He always had to be drunk first though.
Past Potato: He took you to the bars downtown!
Now Potato: Yeah I had to walk a mile or so to get to his apartment, in the dark only to find out that he had already started drinking, so basically I had gotten into his car while he was shit faced way too many times.
Past Potato: But-
Now Potato: Shut the fuck up, I’m doing great at the moment, I’m working at a job that I love, I scored in the top 3 of CKA taking ServSafe, despite having a concussion! I picked myself up wanting, needing to get better so I can stop being so scared to leave Potato Manor. I am not going to go back to Shopping Cart with his shitty hand drawn tattoos, he doesn’t believe that I was molested! He gave me so much PTSD, I get nervous when I’m around too much alcohol!

It was a loud debate inside my mind, but Past Potato shut the fuck up.

19621370_1986649431360662_1587916245_n

~SirChangeling

 

True Life: I Ditched a Testicle & a Shopping Cart

I usually say things that shock others not the other way around. The other day in class one of my classmates asked how old I am. I responded “24” after a slight pause because I had to think about it. I always forget my age. My classmate was surprised she thought I was 18, because I act immature. She let me know she didn’t mean that in a rude way, I laughed, “being immature is more fun.” I responded. She then said “you areΒ very intelligent though.” Which is when I was shocked. I tend to not believe humans when they tell me this except she was the second human to say this toΒ me that week. Being told “you are intelligent” made me step back in my mind as a wave of flashbacks bombarded me.

When I hung out with the Testicle (not her real name) she would always put me down, making me feel worthless, then say she only did this “because I care about you Keels.” Being friends with the Testicle was my first abusive relationship. I would start to internally put myself down, insulting myself to the point where telling myself “you are such a fucking cunt” didn’t sting anymore. By putting myself down I was able to build up a wall so insults couldn’tΒ break me. I also had this thing with another abusive friend, Shopping Cart. (I give fabulous nicknames…Shopping Cart is obviously not his real name) Hanging out with Shopping Cart, made me feel like living life on the edge, it was a terrifying rush that I didn’t want to stop. I was so depressed that I didn’t see how horribly shitty he was. I had Shopping Cart manipulating me while Testicle told me how I should care about my body more, I should do this and that if I wanted Shopping Cart to like me.

Have you ever hung out with someone because you were so lonely, even though they were an abusive friend to you? That’s what it felt like for me when with the Testicle. I somehow was able to distance myself from the Testicle never looking back. As for Shopping Cart, that took a little longer to get over unfortunately. I was so convinced that I did something to push him away. Now when I look back I ask myself “How the fuck did that even begin?” He told me when he first met me he hated me, I asked him “Have we met before?” We had.

~FLASHBACK SPIRIT FINGERS~

It was holiday shopping season winter 2012, I was extremely caffeinated, the closing manager just locked up, I was getting a ride from a coworker when I saw this figure in the distance. I thought he was a stray shopping cart. I very loudly said “the doors are locked and there is a shopping cart still out here! I thought we got them all! Ermahgerd it moved…oh wait that’s a person.” I’m very subtle. He was sitting on the curb in the dark. Who does that? Fucking creepers that’s who.

~FLASHBACK OVER SPIRIT FINGERS~

After that encounter I forgot all about him, until the next summer when we worked together. The following 8 months were hopefully a once in a lifetime experience. His tattoos attracted me…until I saw what some of the designs were:Β “M.O.B.” (Money Over Bitches) across his chest, a skeleton pimp with a fish in its platform shoe, featuring a girl on her knees on his leg. The shopping cart is one of those fuckboys that thinks he’s black. So as you can imagine I dun fucked up, but thankfully I am no longer in contact with him.

I am graduating from CKA on Tuesday! I have great relationships with friends now. I ditched those who aren’t great for me. Ditching friends is one of those tasks that is always hard for me, but I need to do it. So I guess I am intelligent in some ways.

~SirChangeling