Science Lesbian wrote me a Thing

Science Lesbian messaged me about how there was this human guy who had brain surgery, which made him hear things differently. So some human would tell him something and be would hear something completely different. Science Lesbian thought of me and my auditory processing issues. Which totes makes sense. Then we talked about how sitting “like a lady” is obnoxious! 

That is a not-sitting-like-a-lady-saurus. 

Then I mentioned how sitting “criss cross applesauce” is so much more comfortable than sitting with your legs forward. 

Which brings me to the main subject of this post.

Me: For some reason every time I see Lady Gaga’s song “Applause” I think of applesauce.

Science Lesbian: I’m going to rewrite the lyrics. 

Me: I read applause and think applesauce… So I was very confused why she’s singing about clapping for applesauce and SHE DOESN’T MENTION APPLES!!!????

Science Lesbian: sitting in the library rewriting applause to be about wanting applesauce I have a unique life.

THEN SCIENCE LESBIAN SENT ME THE LYRICS!!!!

I stand here waiting for you to make the sauce
To crash the chefs saying, “is it right or is it wrong?”
If only you had a seed, we could plant an apple tree
Thinking of all those apples, I found a field, put it in there
I live for the apples, apples, apples
I live for the apple-sauce, live for the apple-sauce
Live for the way that you cook and mash the fruit
The apples, apples, apples
Give me that thing that I love (Give me applesauce)
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce (Make me applesauce)
Give me that thing that I love (Give me applesauce)
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce (Make me applesauce)
(A-P-P-L-E SAUCE) Make it real good
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce
(A-P-P-L-E SAUCE) Make it real good
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce
I’ve overheard your theory
“Applesauce is for geeks”
I guess sir, if you say so
Some of us just like to eat
One second I have apples
Then suddenly it’s applesauce
Applesauce is an art
Now, there’s applesauce in me
I live for the apples, apples, apples
I live for the apple-sauce, live for the apple-sauce
Live for the way that you cook and mash the fruit
The apples, apples, apples
Give me that thing that I love (Give me applesauce)
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce (Make me applesauce)
Give me that thing that I love (Give me applesauce)
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce (Make me applesauce)
(A-P-P-L-E SAUCE) Make it real good
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce
(A-P-P-L-E SAUCE) Make it real good
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce
Ooh sauce, sauce ooh
Sauce, sauce now ooh ooh ooh ooh
I live for the apples, apples, apples
I live for the apple-sauce, live for the apple-sauce
Live for the way that you cook and mash the fruit
The apples, apples, apples
Give me that thing that I love (Give me applesauce)
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce (Make me applesauce)
Give me that thing that I love (Give me applesauce)
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce (Make me applesauce)
(A-P-P-L-E SAUCE) Make it real good
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce
(A-P-P-L-E SAUCE) Make it real good
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce
A-P-P-L-E-S
If anyone could actually make this a cover that would be pretty amazing! Science Lesbian would die of laughter.

~SirChangeling

Insert Cliché Title Because Of The Holiday

Quick Update: The gingerbread cookies at my work are not made with shortening, instead they are made with butter. Which explains the extreme pain I was in 2 days after I ate the cookie.
“Was the cookie good?” One of the bakers asked me, after she informed me they had butter.
“Yes.”
“Well there is your dairy intake for the rest of the year.”

I’m surprised with my self control of not eating any of the noms from work…then again I know how much pain I would be in and that’s not worth it. The last time I was proud of my self control, was when I was 14, a girl told me to beat her with a tennis racket because she knew I hated her. I have anger issues, but to be able to tell her to “fuck off” and just walk away instead of beating the shit out of her is one of those moments that I still have no idea how I was able to choose to walk away.

….Anyway Happy Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for my Soul Mate in Friend Form. I love how I can send her offensive dank memes, since we share the love for dark humor.

I am also thankful for the Science Lesbians, and the younger sister of Psychology Lesbian, and the four of us become Queersaders.

Stranger Danger, who never reads my blog, gets a huge amount of my thankfulness. Seeing how he met me when I was off my meds (again) at an extreme low point of my life, but stuck with me and is there for me….I’m not crying, you’re crying.

To my other close friends, I’m thankful for you too, I just don’t want to type it all out…mainly because it doesn’t matter, since they know who they are and how much they mean to me.

~SirChangeling

 

Long Intro, But Sashimi Rolling, They Hatin’

I came across my two favorite jokes when I was in elementary school. I don’t remember when exactly this happened, because time is a figment of your imagination. I’m not surprised these are my 2 favorite jokes, because honestly they describe me so much. One can be seen as offensive to others, but it’s a hilarious joke, so those who get offended need to chill.

First joke:

Three people are running away from the police, a blonde, a red head, and a brunette. The police are gaining on the three when they notice a pile of potato sacks, seeing as there isn’t much time the three all agree to be animals hiding in the sacks. When the police get to the scene they kick one potato sack “woof” the brunette barked. The police kick another potato sack the red head hissed. When the police kicked a third potato sack the blonde called out “POTATO!”

Second joke:

How do you kill a retard?
Give them a knife and ask “who is special?”

I’ve been having a very difficult time trying to give myself motivation to even write a post. This is what fall season does to me, basic bitches will go post pictures of their Starbucks drinks, or pumpkins in bad filters, and I’m trying to find reasons why getting out of bed is a good thing. I get up to go pee, and then it’s back to bed for me. Depression sucks, anxiety sucks. Both at the same time is a workout. Why should I run when I can have an anxiety attack, it does the same thing for me: out of breath, heavy breathing, exhausted, sweaty, shaking, wondering why that was necessary?

I am actually okay with my weight, the only reason I need to lose weight is so I can get my tits professionally chopped off. I have to be at a safe weight for the surgery, so I don’t feel anything. Plus I figured if I stay this weight, I won’t get kidnapped. Fat humans don’t get kidnapped, eat cake, stay safe!

My birth giver told me I should write a memoir, because my writing skills are amazing, and I’m hilarious…or something like that. My short term memory isn’t great.

This post was just going to be an update of how my depression sucks and I’m trying to hold on, but I decided to make this about my tattoos.

faery
My first tattoo was this faery shadow. I spent about 10 minutes or so trying to figure out how I wanted the colors of her wings. The faery is holding a blue rose, which I researched and apparently blue roses symbolizes fantasy. The freckle at the tip of her foot was not planned to be near my tattoo, it just happened that way. Science Lesbian told me it’s a potato. I agreed. Every human I meet ask if this is a shrine to Tinkerbell. It’s not, Tinkerbell is too innocent for this faery. The shadow is because I didn’t want to think of what she would be wearing, so colored in black with the color in the wings and rose was enough for me. Since this was my first tattoo I went into the tattoo shop anxious, everyone I had asked told me getting tattoos was painful and that this was going to hurt. Even the website said it would hurt getting a tattoo. As soon as the gun hit my arm, I asked when the pain would start. During the procedure I stated that this was the best feeling I’ve ever had, and if I had enough money I would want to be tattooed by multiple artists at once to soak up the comfort. The tattoo artist smirked at this response, I go in anxious thinking it will be painful, end up being upset at everyone who lied to me about this. I did research for a year or so what I wanted my tattoo to be, as well as where I wanted it to be located. I remember my birth giver picked me up one day from work, I sat in the car and informed her that I would be getting a tattoo the next day with money from my paycheck. She told me how my cousin’s wife has a tattoo that she regrets, how a tattoo was permanent, that I should really think about this. I responded I’m not my cousin’s wife, I know tattoos are permanent, that’s the point. Plus I thought about this decision for a while. When I asked to get my nose pierced she told me “it’s your body” so when she was hesitant about me getting a tattoo, I told her “it’s my body.”

titty-twins
My second tattoo was Hello Kitty. (Red bow) I was extremely excited to get this tattoo, despite my poor choices with who I went with to get it. I love Hello Kitty. Plus I believe in the saying “if you got it flaunt it.” My tits are huge! Getting Hello Kitty on my tit was a great choice. She became Hello Titty. Shout out to my eskimo sister for coming up with that name. A year later I got my fifth tattoo Mimmy White, Hello Kitty’s twin sister. It was lucky that I decided to put Hello Kitty on my left tit when I did, because of the bow placement. Mimmy White is known to have a yellow bow, whereas Hello Kitty usually has the red bow. Hello Titty became part of the Titty Twins. Getting Mimmy White on my right tit, felt like a piece of a coming clicking together. The Titty Twins are done by 2 different artists, which I like seeing the different art techniques. I could probably go and have Mimmy White’s eye fixed a little bit, but I’m not going to. She’s special looking (heh heh to joke number 2) and I love it.

pride-symbol
My third tattoo was this bisexual pride symbol. Unfortunately it’s a matching set with someone, who I don’t talk to anymore because his views on life are insane! He’s basically like the Westboro baptist church of feminism. He’s one of the humans who’s views are so extreme that he makes other sane supporters look bad. We used to be great friends at a summer camp, then not having seen each other for 10 years he visited me. We went and got tattoos because tattoos are amazing. A couple months after that visit I saw his true personality, and that’s not what I needed in my life. I hate cutting humans out of my life, but it needed to be done. For a while I thought about getting this tattoo laser removed, but I decided to turn it into a lesson. Since I love this tattoo. Now when humans ask me what it means I say “basically it means I support everyone unless you’re a douche canoe.” The fact that my former friend is trans has nothing to do with why we don’t talk anymore. His personality of claiming to be right all the time, then if someone called him out on his shit he would get them to back off by saying “stop oppressing me!” He wasn’t using the word in the correct context, and he wouldn’t own up to his shit. That bothered me. Plus he couldn’t see the humor in the shit life throws. Everything was horrible, and not to be laughed at. I just rolled my eyes, because of how ridiculous he is.

krik

Whenever I see this meme, I think of him. Because this kid looks exactly like him.

orko
My fourth tattoo I got on a Friday the 13th. So this tattoo ended up costing $13. My mental state was not the greatest time to get a tattoo, in fact I should not have gotten this tattoo. For a couple years this was a huge regret. I got this tattoo with the Shopping Cart, he has Skeletor on his arm….or he did I have no idea if he still has it or not. The theme for these Friday the 13th tattoos was 80’s cartoons. I saw the outline of my tattoo drawn on a sheet of paper with other 80’s cartoon characters, it was the cutest one on the paper. What was my main reason for picking this tattoo out? It was cute. Yes, I am one of those humans! When the artist was done with my tattoo he asked me the following:
“Is Orko your favorite character?”
“Huh?”
“Orko. The character on your forearm.”
“Oh. What’s he from?”
“He-Man. You should probably watch a couple episodes.”
“Nah, I’m good. Now I can be one of those humans who has a tattoo from something I’ve never seen!”
My former Boss Man watched the show growing up so he thought I was ridiculous for getting this tattoo. Well he thinks I’m ridiculous for other reasons so it’s whatever. A year after getting this tattoo I researched Orko on Wiki for 5 minutes. I gathered what I needed to know, turns out I have a lot in common with this character.
(The scars next to my tattoo are from a time I thought that catching a baking sheet with my arm was a smart choice. It just came out of the oven with cookies on it. The cookies didn’t fall, but I earned my baker’s tiger stripes. I laughed when this happened, because it was a stupid idea, but it was hilarious.)

changeling
My sixth tattoo was the word Changeling on my left forearm. If you’ve been following this blog there’s really no need for me to explain why I got this tattoo. If this is the first post you are reading, welcome to my blog! Go read the other posts to understand more.

potato
My seventh tattoo was my Potato! I asked Science Lesbian to sketch it out for me and she did! My Potato is on my left shoulder, which I found out it where the Devil sits in the cartoons of an angel vs the devil. I researched that. My Potato is holding a red notebook and a purple pen, so he can write down my notes. He’s my Shoulder Assistant, the red notebook is because red is my favorite color, the purple pen is because one of my nicknames is Purple Majesty, which is a type of potato. The three spuds indicate my past, present, and future. My former Boss Man was so surprised when I got it, he didn’t think I would go through with the thought. Which is stupid, because it’s me. When I say I’m going to do something, I plan on doing it. When it happens is a surprise.

sashimi
My eighth tattoo is another Friday the 13th tattoo. This year’s theme was bad luck, so those squiggly lines are to say that the sashimi is rotten. I saw it as a spirit finger type thing. Plus my love for Japanese culture I had to get this design. My friend Ms. Rapture likes to introduce me as: “This is Potato, she has a tattoo of a rotten fish on her arm.”

When I got my first tattoo I told my then doctor that I would stop self harming and get tattoos instead. I kept that promise, I don’t remember the last time I cut myself. There have been time when the urge was strong, I did give in a couple times, but I haven’t in a while. I’ve gotten tattoos instead. I’m currently thinking of another tattoo to get, but I need to do more planning.

~SirChangeling

 

 

 

Will You Accept My Friendship?

After a couple days of telling myself to write the follow up post of vacation with the Science Lesbians, but not finding the motivation to do so, I found it. I just had to watch 4 episodes of Penny Dreadful on Netflix first. Love that show.

So from August 9th-19th I was able to spend my time with Science Lesbians, their cats, and families in Maine.

August 9th: I was picked up from the bus station in Portland. Was then whisked away stopped at a couple of stores in the area. Bull Moose was a wonderful store despite being haunted by Lake Champlain Chocolates…Vermont was following me. We then went to a cooking store where we took shots of infused vinegar, as well as infused olive oil shots. When mixing a buttery olive oil with a maple vinegar it tasted like PANCAKES were just born in my mouth. Mardens was another stop that was made. I connected with a Halloween mug that has a black cat on both the handle and inside the mug. My support for World Leaders is strong. At Science Lesbian’s house I finally met her World Leaders! Boo and Linus. After many videos and pictures exchanged and I was able to bow down to their greatness. Okay I probably squealed because they’re adorable.

August 10th: Blueberry picking happened. I became a true Mainer that day. As well as being eaten alive from mosquitoes. Bananagrams also happened. Despite Psychology Lesbian “cheating” by rapidly making words I was surprised how I was able to still make words. Most of the time the game would end with my art of words followed by a pile of tiles that I couldn’t make into words because somebody was saying “peel” too fast.

Here’s a conversation from that day, that was too great to not write down:
“I bought Slipshine with my stipend from class.” -Me
“You bought porn for being a good student?” -Science Lesbian
“Yes.”

August 11th: On this day I was able to see where the Science Lesbians go to get their comic books. We also went to Savers, I bought a purse because I have a bag and wallet fetish, some humans buy shoes, I buy wallets and bags after a couple months. The mall was the next part of the adventure.
“Fox as in the Kawaii Fox. Then run.” – Psychology Lesbian.
Torrid was the only store we went into, since by the time we arrived everything was closing soon. I tried some clothes on, nothing fit in the way I liked but trying clothes on while derping in the mirror was part of a great experience.
“What’s your name?”- Associate at Torrid.
“Potato.”
“As in the vegetable? I mean starch?”
“Yes.”
*Associate writes Potato on the whiteboard of the door where I’m going to try clothes on*
“My name is Becca, and I’ll be here if you need anything.”
For the rest of the time we were in the store Potato was still written on the door.

Since I have crippling anxiety I can’t speak in front of a crowd of humans. I can’t really be present in a crowd of humans without having an attack. However I keep being told I would be a great stand up comedian. Stand up comedians are in front of a group of humans. That’s just terrifying! I was given an alternative I can do:
“We’ll put you in a box with a laugh track in the background.” – Science Lesbian
“Will I get a microphone?” – Me
“Yes, and we’ll randomly push you on stage, because your box is on wheels.”
“I’ll be Boxed Potato peaking while peeking. It’s brilliant.”

“I had a dream last night where you both dyed my hair blue. Bleaching it first though. When I woke up I was disappointed that I didn’t have blue hair. I’d come back from vacation in Maine with blue hair. I’d tell my birth giver my hair had always been blue.”
“Tell her you ate too many blueberries. It happens a lot. Humans end up in hospitals because they keep turning blue.” – Science Lesbian

We ended our day with going to Olive Garden for dinner. Our waitress had only been working for about a month, but she was given too many tables then she could handle. So after waiting 15 minutes before even seeing her, the hangry at our table was growing. I was deducting the tip rom 20% to 15% because of having to wait for so long. The restaurant wasn’t even busy, it was because the waitress didn’t realize she had a lot of tables. The other table was directly across from our table. So we were in earshot of the shit going down for messed up orders. Behind Science Lesbian was a guy with a man bun, I didn’t want to be obvious about it so I took a photo of Science Lesbian on my phone with man bun in the background. Nailed it. When our food finally came, the other table was loud about their messed up order. Naturally I was eavesdropping, but I needed to act normal about it. Which apparently meant angrily mixing my spaghetti while giving intense eye contact with Science Lesbian. It was an interesting night… we all agreed that we wanted more shit to go down, since we were all entertained by it.
“Does Olive Garden have a porn parody?” – Science Lesbian
“What would that even involve? Smacking a butt with a cooked spaghetti noodle? When You’re Here, You’re Family. That’s a horrible tagline for a porn parody.”

I commented the tip should be 17% because I found out that the BREADSTICKS ARE DAIRY FREE!!!

August 12th: Blueberry picking happened again. We picked 3.5 pounds in 30 minutes. (Get Rekt) While Science Lesbian was at work, Psychology Lesbian took me to some speciality shops: pasta, produce, meat, and a bakery. Being a tourist was great. Dinner that night was homemade pasta made by Science Lesbian’s mom. The meal was so delicious, I was sad when it was gone. Criminal Minds marathon happened as we ate dinner.

“What I learned from Criminal Minds- I should put a lock on the fridge and put the key on a chain around my neck so I can then control the food.” – Science Lesbian
“No, that’s not the message.” – Me
“Was it be nice to your babies so they don’t kill you later from revenge?”
“Yes.”

Psychology Lesbian and I were watching Cupcake Wars before, but that show pissed me the fuck off. HUMANS WERE WASTING SO MUCH FOOD! IF SOMETHING DIDN’T COME OUT CORRECTLY THEY WOULD JUST THROW IT AWAY! BITCHES YOU CAN SAVE THAT! YOU COULD FIX IT! BUT NOOOO, YOU HAD TO THROW IT AWAY WITH 15 MINUTES LEFT OF THE CHALLENGE?!

To those who want to know why I don’t watch cooking or baking shows: timed challenges are the worst for me to watch. Plus when fuck faced humans waste food! (I hate wasting food, so if I throw food away, there is a good reason behind it)

August 13th: 
Blueberry pancakes to start the day is always a plus!
Followed by chasing Psychology Lesbian out of the kitchen with syrup so she could stop cleaning and take a shower.
Explored the library, helped color in a butterfly.
Shopped in cute stores downtown.
Went into a coffee shop, ordered a Matcha thinking it was just going to be hot water and Matcha…turned out to be a Matcha latte with milk. Had to say that I can’t have dairy due to an allergy. Felt absolutely horrible due to anxiety pulsing throughout my body. Science Lesbian received a free Matcha latte while I had a soy one made for me. Walking over to the table I was trying not to spill the very full mug of hot Matcha latte. So derping dramatically while scaring an elderly lady. Whatever I got her seat. After returning back to Science Lesbian’s house I had to take a 4 hour nap to recharge from the anxiety at the coffee shop.

August 14th:
Boston Comic Con 2016. I bought 3 grab boxes/bags. Then ended up having to give my wallet to Science Lesbian telling her to only give it back to me for when I go meet Shen of Owlturd Comix and Sarah Anderson of Sarah Scribbles. I only had one anxiety slip, but I was able to take a tablet for it. Considering how crowded Boston Comic Con was I was proud that my anxiety decided to wait until basically the end of the con. There was a group of humans chanting really loud to some music. I don’t know if they thought they were singing but I had a need for Simon Cowell to set all of them straight. While in line to be drawn in Owlturd Comix style I received a notification saying I had a new message from OkCupid.
“This guy with no profile picture just messaged me.”
“That’s the worst.” – Some girl in front of me in line.
“His message says ‘Do you want to suck a big black dick later?'”
“Seriously?” – Girl from before.
“Sorry, I have a dairy allergy. Plus I don’t really like chocolate.”
The girl in front of me starts laughing so hard she’s about to fall over.
“What did you do?!” – Science Lesbian
“I broke her! I just made some commentary, and she started laughing so hard. Ermahgerd I broke her.”

(This blog post is a long one! This is why I was putting it off for so long)

August 15th:
Spent the night at Psychology Lesbian’s house. So the next day we kidnapped Psychology Lesbian’s sister, who wasn’t warned about me, however I was warned about her comments. Heh.
I went to Target…he magicalness of the store seemed to disappear. There’s no Target in Vermont, so for years I always wanted to go to Target when I was in a different state. I don’t know why I had such a love for the store, Walmart is better honestly. I like to dress up for Walmart, in hopes to make it on the internet  I haven’t made it yet.
Back at Psychology Lesbian’s house her dog Bear and I bonded and became friends. I’m glad to have met Bleu as well. RIP Bleu from the 2 days I was with you, you had a great personality. I’m sorry I almost sat on you, I learned to always look for dogs under blankets before sitting on couches.
Thank you to Psychology Lesbian’s mom for making the curry for dinner! Thank you for not making it spicy…I have a pansy mouth and can’t handle spicy foods.

August 16th: 
Portland adventure
sticker shop
Classy sex boutique. When testing vibrators put it on your nose, if you sneeze it’s a great vibrator!
Gelato shop that had dairy free Sorbetto! Strawberry balsamic & Ripe Mango made a refreshing OTP for my tastebuds.
Bull Moose and comic book store.
Picnic on Science Lesbian’s porch while it poured rain.
Word card game
I WON CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY!! 13 cards!!

August 17th & 18th: 
These days I slept a lot, I needed to recharge from all the adventures that I was having. On the 18th we went to an Ulta and I was able to see the store in person rather than online. I’m starting to wear eye makeup again, after being depressed for a year and a half all the crying made it difficult to wear eye makeup.

August 19th: 
Last day with Science Lesbians. My birth giver picked me up that night. She had returned from her vacation of 3 countries in Europe. I had a wonderful time with Science Lesbians and their families, and world leaders. Plus my bonding cuddles with Bear and last days of Bleu’s life.

Pictures or it didn’t happen:

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Proof of my great skills at Bananagrams.

13924897_1462183197140624_8299682862836755982_n

Blueberry pickin

14021459_1473256136033330_5643190897209697081_n

Science Lesbian’s brother made some knife art

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Collage of World Leaders I met (Nora is missing a photo)

~SirChangeling

 

 

Science Lesbians’ World Leaders Have Blessed my bed.

Me: I should write a blog post.
Also Me: *falls asleep for 4 hours because I need to recharge from social anxiety*

I’m currently visiting Science Lesbians, it’s very exciting. Later today we’re going to Boston Comic Con for the day, I love webcomics, not a big movie fanatic…okay movies are boring. I mean why pay $9+ to watch something when I can watch the trailer on YouTube and pretty much figure it out? Plus I tend to lose interest fast in movies and tv shows. If I’m not captured within a few moments of the movie, I’m pretty much done. But I don’t want to walk out of the theater because I paid for the ticket, and I don’t want to ask for my money back because THAT WILL CAUSE SOCIAL ANXIETY!!! FUCK THAT NOISE. So I don’t watch movies. The last movie I saw was Finding Dory at the drive ins, which was an adorable movie despite the fact that the human I saw it with made me very uncomfortable. Pro tip: Saying “yes” when asked out will not make said human leave you alone…saying “yes” when you mean “no” never works out….I still tend to do it, because I hate making others disappointed, so I will say “yes” even though I can’t physically or mentally do something. Ughhh anxiety. Good News: I don’t have to deal with that human ever again.

I don’t know that much about the DC Universe or Marvel Universe, I mean I saw DeadPool, and some other movies. DeadPool was the only one that was hilarious as well as captivating my interest. Thor needs to chill, SpiderMan is only good for memes, Superman needs to calm down, I had a dream when I was in elementary school where Batman killed my family then locked me in a closet…so Batman is creepy. Webcomics however are great, I follow web comic artists, World Leaders, Suicide Girls, and some other humans on my Instagram.

Speaking of memories, I started writing down some past memories that have exploded to the front of my mind. I have memory blasts randomly, it’s great…until I also relive the emotions I had during that time, which means I will be pissed off about something that happened 10+ years ago. Fuck you Ms. Brady* or whatever you changed your name to…go suck a raw egg.

*4th & 5th teacher

Here’s said list of my memories:

  • In 7th grade I declared I would be a professional tattoo coloring in human. Which meant I would color inside the outlines of tattoos with sharpies. The idea sparked when I saw an outline of a cow on a camp counselor’s back. That was my first experience with a vegan. He was a douche canoe. Remembered 1/5/16 2:17am
  • I think my first memory is when I was in a van, my siblings and Birth Giver were singing  Mister Sun to me while holding up this sun plush that played the tune to Mister Sun. I really wanted them to shut up, but I couldn’t talk yet so I just scream cried at them. The sun puppet was in my face, but I was strapped in my car seat so I couldn’t hit the puppet away. Remembered 1/6/16
  • In 9th grade I pushed one of the boys who would harass me all the time, off a railing. He wouldn’t stop, none of the teachers was doing anything about it, he was in my study hall class! So I took matters into my own hands. I should mention that I had gone of my medication around this time
    “Keely, we’re in the same class so we should be best friends.” The study hall was in the auditorium, so the railing was more of to separate the Tech Lighting from the audience…so not a big drop from the floor.
    “You’re totally right, we should be best friends.”
    “Wait what.”
    “You go tell everyone this.” With that I pushed him off the railing, which he was sitting on. By catching him off guard I was able to make my move. He had a cast on his leg, but I’m positive he was faking it. The study hall teacher told him to get up off the floor. Remembered 1/13/16
  • In the 3rd grade I dropped my baseball bat down a sewer drain because I was curious if it would fit in the holes. It did. I accidentally dropped it. Instant panic! My bat was gone! I actually didn’t want to go to practice, so I was stalling, but I didn’t think the bat would actually go down into the sewer! Luckily someone’s aunt had all these hiking accessories, so with bungie cords and skills she rescued my bat. I was sent to baseball practice while my bat was being rescued. What was I doing while my bat was being rescued? Screaming in the corner. Remembered 4/13/16

Because I haven’t updated in a while, instead of making 2 posts right after the other, I’m just going to make a double post. There’s really no such thing as a double post for me, since my thoughts jump around all the time, even when I’m having conversations with friends…text messages tend to jump around too.

When I’m alone having conversations with the voices/characters in my head I often wonder if other humans have the same thoughts.

Do you ever________, or is that just me?

  1. Do you ever have conversations with yourself, act out made up scenarios that will never happen in order to be ready for what to say just in case, or is that just me?
  2. Do you ever lose track of time because you were just looking at the wall, or is that just me?
  3. Do you ever slowly read books so you can savor everything because once you finish it there’s no more, or is that just me?
  4. Do you ever feel like Cinderella when mopping floors, then criticize her for going out with a curfew when she could’ve just stayed inside to watch porn without headphones, or is that just me?
  5. Do you ever swipe right on tinder when you see a cat picture, or is that just me? (I haven’t met a douche canoe that has a cat….cat’s are amazing, which is why they’re our World Leaders…duh.)
  6. Do you ever feel like a bunny when eating carrots, or is that just me?
  7. Do you ever feel like a cat when eating fish or is that just me?
  8. Do you ever look at a cute couple and hope them the best, or is that just me?

I have asked Stranger Danger some of these…his response each time “Just you.”

That’s all I feel like writing now…

~SirChangeling

 

Bob’s Burgers Mad Libs: Adult Edition

Burger of the Day:

Tired of the same old Enchiladas? Try Bob’s latest creation, the Fuck Burger. It’s become the most popular item on the toaster strudel! The chef starts with a 17 pound all-beef patty, seasoned with a blend of supple spices and herbs. While the burger cooks on the rubber spatula, Bob prepares a secret sauce using urine and pigmy rhino gravy. He toasts the dykes, and then piles them high with lettuce, tomato, and two slices of dust bunny. After flipping the meat, Bob melts 24 types of cheese on top. The moist creation always brings a tear to Bob’s vagina. He cuts the burger in half to reveal the patty’s juicy magenta center. Sometimes he balances a crouton on top, as a garnish. Delicious!

Gene’s Flyer:

Attention, butt plugs and gentlemen! The flyer in my biblical chord is no ordinary coupon. Sure it grants 69 percent off your order, but it also has powers beyond your wildest anal beads! Today’s customers receive a free lasagna and up to three cups of semen! Show this nipple clamp inside for a chance to win our Burger of the Day: the Science Lesbian burger! The first 68 customers also receive a lumpy photo of the chef fisting in the kitchen this morning. (My sister took it!) Use the password Urethra and Bob will sing “Row, Row, Row your lubricant” as swiftly as he possibly can. Tell him Gene said so!

~SirChangeling

Hello Kitty Mad Libs: Adult Edition

What Kind of Friend Are You?

For Hello Kitty, friendship is more important than queefs. What kind of friend are you?
1. When a friend is in need, you (A) drop your Fuck Mountain and hurry over (B) call to say “I will spits you later!” Or (C) Don’t move an anus.
2. It’s your best nut’s birthday. You (A) make her a thoughtful, homemade chain, (B) buy her a nice new boulder, or (C) forget to call. Nunnunununun!
3. Your friend wants to go to the Raxus 9 for dinner, but you don’t want to. You (A) compromise and pick a billboard you both like. (B) Give in and eat at the bikini where she wants to go or (C) You’ll just sucking by yourself.
If you picked mostly A’s you’re a great beaver. Mostly B’s your a good friend, but could improve your communication wands. Mostly C’s: Take some advice from Hello Kitty: To make a pillowy friend you have to be a pillowy friend.

My Adventure with Hello Kitty:

Today I went on a sticky playdate with my succulent friend Hello Kitty! She is the nicest schmegma you could ever meet, and she loves to have a moist time! I met Hello Kitty at her house, where she introduced me to her twin Psychology Lesbian, as well as her Squishy parents and grandparents. Then we went on a Lamborghini ride into town, where we saw many friends along the way, like Keely and Me. Finally, we stopped for Sharon flavored ice cream and talked about our dreams of becoming professional dildos one day. Hello Kitty and I have so many farts in common! Then it was time to scream on our way home. I thanked Hello Kitty for a long day, and we promised we would do it again sometime. What a ribbed friend.

Making New Friends:

Follow these tall rules, and you, too, can have fun making new friends just like Hello Kitty!

  • Always greet smurfs with a smile on your tit!
  • Compliment the other person’s Merkin. People love to hear nice things about their Merkins!
  • Don’t just talk about your cup! Ask questions and be a hump listener.
  • Find out if you have bagels in common. That’s how friendships grow!
  • Don’t be afraid to ask a potential friend to hang out an sex together!

Dear Diary, By Hello Kitty:

Today was a cumming day. It is Penis Candy Day, a national holiday to celebrate ball gags, so we didn’t have school Instead Mama, Papa, Mimmy and I went to the sex shop to go horseback riding. I rode a sex panther named Potato. He was very sweet and loved it when I petted his anus. When our ride through the whip forest was over, I fed my horse apples and clitteri, and he was very succulent! After horseback riding, my family went home, and I read a new book called From the Mixed-Up Vibrating Assberries of Keely. It was voluptuous. Now it’s time to cum to bed. Good night!
Swimmingly,
Hello Kitty

~SirChangeling

There wasn’t enough books on death and dying

Science Lesbian and her girlfriend Psychology Lesbian visited me at Potato Manor last weekend it was amazingly gay. They arrived Friday morning so waffles were in order, dyed a fleshy pink, because not enough red food coloring was added to the batter. It wasn’t until hours later I realized we should have dyed them blue. Damn it! After breakfast we went downtown to get bubble tea so we could say we had balls in our mouth, like the mature adults we totally represent. I was really excited for this bubble tea since I was positive I found the best bubble tea in the area! However when we went the balls were over cooked, so basically I had to bite on the straw and just drink the milky part, because the balls just didn’t slide right down our throats. Such a disappointment.

Friday night we went to Tilt which is a restaurant with arcade games plus bar, I’m not a big drinker I stopped for awhile due to PTSD attacks if I drank even a little bit. Being the lightweight that I am I do know my limit, so thankfully I know when to stop. I only drink for the taste really I don’t drink to get drunk or black out, I do however become a little tipsy. I was told that I was amusing, however I’m told I’m amusing all the time. When I do drink I become more paranoid that I’m going to cause a scene because of a PTSD attack. Whereas if I’m sober with a group of friends that I trust I don’t really care. Since I was with Science Lesbian & Psychology Lesbian I felt safe enough to have 2 hard ciders. I played pinball for the first time, which was really fun I must say I am excellent at button smashing that’s probably why my score was 10 million something for the South Park Pinball, and 33 million something for the Indiana Jones Pinball. I also conquered my fear of racing games that night! The first time I played one of the racing games with the wheel the game told me “Faster! Faster!” So when I did I fell off the bridge so game over. This time when I played I came in 8th place out of 10th place, it was a pretty great accomplishment for me.

Saturday was road trip to King Arthur Flour which was a fabulous experience for me. Since finding out that baking and washing dishes helps calm down my anxiety a huge amount, I have been baking a fuckton of noms, however since I’m not interested in eating what I bake I bring all the noms into work for my coworkers. I love seeing humans enjoy what I bake, it’s a huge compliment for me since sometimes I am baking through massive panic attacks. I made oatmeal raisin cookies during a huge panic attack because the first batch ended up being burnt on the bottom. I hadn’t made oatmeal raisin cookies before, but I was giving them as a gift, so when I saw that I failed it was heart breaking for me. However I still had enough batter to make 24 more cookies so by being able to push through the tears I was able to make those cookies better. (Plus I made 36 more cookies to give Stranger Danger since I was so ashamed I gave him burnt ones the first time)

There was a stop at Newbury Comics where I picked up Bob’s Burgers and Hello Kitty Mad Libs. The adult Mad Libs were a dollar more, so being the great saver I am we made dirty Mad Libs with the other two. Saturday night we made a boob shaped gayke (gay cake) Sunday morning I made coffee cream chez frosting for our gayke. Science Lesbian frosted our Mocha Beauty, then we all cut the gayke after a couple pictures of course!

12715489_1311126618912950_413184884790099193_nMocha Beauty showing off her pierced nips and cup less bra.

12744162_1311127165579562_6959299750239983998_nDouble rainbow all the way! This was what the inside of the gayke looked like, except much brighter.

This weekend was so gay.

~SirChangeling

Speed Dating: the awkward is intensifying!

About 2 weeks ago I registered to go speed dating. I originally decided I was going to go if someone else would go with me, because if I went alone I would sit by myself wishing I brought a book with me. Why is it frowned upon to bring a book to a bar? My book is amazing, books are such a great conversation starter. I need a book bar thing. Not a cafe, a book bar. Bring Your Own Book, we provide the Booze. Is this a thing that exists? Can it exist? That would be pretty great.

Speed Dating was tonight. No one went with me, the three humans I asked were either working, or out of town. However Science Lesbian gave me the greatest tip for what to wear:
Science Lesbian: Do you have a blue top?
Science Lesbian: Because you should wear it and if the conversation lulls just exclaim “my top is blue because Sonic the Hedgehog is blue and this is SPEED dating”
Me: omg yes
Me: all the yes
I wore my blue striped shirt, because the best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time. Except I was going to be too hot to wear my blue striped sweater, so I wore my blue striped shirt instead.

Once I got inside the bar the ID checker did that head nod thing, so I pulled out my ID to show him yes I am over 21. Walked up the stairs, the loud music from the DJ in the back corner surrounded my senses. It was loud, but not overwhelming, it was actually cozy. I thought that was a strange way to describe a bar, loud and strangely cozy. After checking in at the table for speed dating I was given a raffle ticket, plus the opportunity to grab some free things. YAAAS free things. Pretty much the reason I signed up in the first place, “raffle and prizes.” Not quite sure what to do next, I found a table to sit down to collect myself. Which meant release the texts to the Chosen 3. After looking around I realized some humans have name tags. Shit was I supposed to make a name tag? Go back to the registration table, find out name tags were to the left. I wrote “KEELY” in black sharpie. I was thinking of writing “POTATO” but Potato is more for when I’m comfortable around humans, or my name tag at work, because those humans don’t need to know my real name. After I put my name tag on my upper left boob of my shirt I go back to the table. I still had my winter jacket on at that point so I was debating if I should find a hook to hang it on, or just keep it on the entire night?

After switching tables, I found a hook. Finding it reminded me like when Arthur pulled the sword out of the stone in the Disney version. No one else could do it but him, that’s exactly what it felt like to find an empty hook to hang my coat on. I then sat back down. It was louder where I sat because my back was directly in front of the speaker for the DJ. One of the bartenders then told me that she was moving the tables to create a dance floor. I had to get up. It worked out because I saw an attractive human.
I let Stranger Danger know:

Me:the awkward is intensifying

I let Science Lesbian know:

Me: I spotted cute teenage a cute male alone.
Me: No. Wtf phone.
Me: I spotted a cute bearded male alone
Science Lesbian: Haha teenage cute male
Me: Yes 10 minute conversation with an equally awkward human.

I debated googling pick up lines, but decided that pick up lines are only great for texting friends, so they can judge you. The way I started the conversation was like this:
“Hey I saw you dancing over here and no offense but you look awkward, which is why I came up to you, because I’m extremely awkward. Hi I’m Keely.” Our conversation was about awkward dancing. This bearded attractive man who 1) I’m never going to see again  and 2) I’ve already forgotten what he looks like is named Joe. He told me how some other awkward dancer told him the secret on how to awkward dance:

“The key to awkward dancing is to pretend that you are making love to yourself in a room in front of others. Once you master that you got it.”

Around 7:30, after a hour of being completely awkward by sitting at a table wishing I brought my book I decided to get up and dance. I was completely sober, once I turned away from the mirror on the wall I had fun. I danced for a hour in cute boots that I never worn before. Surprisingly my feet didn’t hurt, I mean they’re sore but they don’t have blisters, plus I’m not in extreme pain. I knew a handful of songs that the DJ played, I liked the handful of songs that I knew, the rest of the songs that were played I didn’t know and didn’t like, but I did enjoy dancing. If I wasn’t looking at the floor, I was looking at the ceiling or the window pane art of a naked lady on the wall. My thoughts were about how I would write this blog post later, I was having so much fun. I’m not sure if I was derping, or I had my thinking face on. My thinking face apparently makes me look pissed off. The music stopped at 8pm because there was the first raffle, all the prizes were lame in my opinion because they were ski passes. I don’t ski or snowboard. I fucking hate the snow. The music went back on, so the dance floor started back up again. I started dancing by myself not caring what I looked like, I ended up being in the middle of a dance circle. I will never see these humans again, which is a shame because all of them were very attractive. There were these two women who might have been around my age? I’m horrible at age guessing. They were fun to dance with, added bonus that they were attractive. I liked their dancing style, it was a let it all out I don’t give a fuck dance style, which was amazing.

My name wasn’t ever called for speed dating, but that’s alright, I went tonight because it was free, plus there was going to be prizes. Oh and for the stories to tell afterwards! That’s the main reason for why I do things, for the story afterwards! I did end up going back to the registration table, I asked if I could take some of the free things they had spread out. I was told I can take whatever I wanted, so of course I asked if there was a bag I could have. After being handed a plastic Party City bag I grabbed a hat, pins, and drink koozies.

Photo on 2-11-16 at 9.58 PM

Oh I did buy a Sex on the Beach, if I’m going to drink alcohol I’m doing it for the taste, not to get drunk. Orange juice & pineapple juice with vodka just what I needed.

~SirChangeling

My filter sometimes malfunctions

Surprisingly enough I do have a filter. I say what I think is an appropriate choice of words to say, unfortunately not everyone else agrees with what I think is appropriate. Example: ‘butt-ton’ apparently isn’t a better word for ‘fuck-ton’ I said this at work once last spring, I’m still confused on why. I stare off at walls all the time recreating conversations I had trying to understand what I said wrong. Most of the time I don’t understand so I continue to make mistakes. Are they still mistakes if I don’t understand why they are mistakes though?

This post is about my new year’s resolutions fyi. If you’re confused on how I switched topics that have nothing to do with each other don’t worry it’s like that great saying mental health humans are told all the time “you’re not alone.” My mind takes me to different topics every 30 seconds or so. If you were to look at my past text conversations or Facebook messages, not only would you be violating my privacy but you would also wonder how I switched topics so fast. I’m feel like I should apologize to Stranger Danger every text because our conversations go off into different topics all the time. It sucks because I tend to forget what I texted last so when I have a new text from Mr. Danger I have to remember what was the last WOWBK I told him. I told him he deserves a ribbon for putting up with my odd texts, but I wonder if he really understands how grateful I am for his friendship…I’m not crying, you’re crying.

My New Year’s Resolutions for 2015 were the following:

  1. Stop saying “sorry” for things I don’t mean.
  2. Write as much as I can, the good, the bad, and everything else.
  3. Continue to accept myself as I am. Which includes the CRAZY. Only change if I want to change.
  4. More tattoos.
  • I am still saying “sorry” a lot, but I did stop saying it for things I didn’t mean. Now when I say “sorry” I mean it. (I say sorry a lot)
  • I did write a lot, mostly about the bad. In October I deleted my tumblr and made this blog. So I can check that one off!
  • Uhh accepting myself…I never really accepted myself. I’m working on that. I did start to change, which was really code for getting better mentally. When you have been at rock bottom for a year, it fucks a lot up. It’s hard living like that.
  • I got 2 more tattoos! Changeling and my Potato!

My New Year’s Resolutions for 2016 are the following:

  1. Release my demons that I have been hoarding in my mind. There’s a lot of them, but hopefully I’ll slowly empty that “room” in my mind.
  2. Improve my baking skills.
  3. Understand more about myself, even the shit I don’t want to deal with.
  4. More tattoos!

To end this post here’s thing I sent Science Lesbian through Facebook messenger. I’m not being violated since I copied and pasted it on here. “My grandma let me have the stuffed boobie I feel honored that I have a stuffed boobie. I can say “sup I have a fake boobie” to people now. Then they’ll look at my chest and try and figure out which one is fake and I’ll just giggle and show them my stuffed blue footed boobie.”

My fake boobie!I’m holding up my lap desk because it makes a great back drop when needed.

~SirChangeling