Leveling up in Personal Growth

Last week I decided to contact Shopping Cart, I was thinking about contacting him for awhile, mainly I wanted to hear why he didn’t do anything the night I was molested by his friend as he watched from a couple feet away. I was mentally ready to hear his side. His response: “Nothing happened. You were not molested or sexually assaulted. He put his arm around you. We had some drinks, he smoked, then he left.” Shopping Cart truly believes that nothing happened that night, he’s not in denial, he’s just a shitty human who doesn’t see women as humans, but more of objects. He tried to pimp me out that night, I ended up breaking down crying in the parking lot once I was able to get away. That was pretty much the breaking point for me, however I still wanted to please Shopping Cart, he was very manipulative, whereas I being gullible hung on to his every word.

When he moved to Florida a month later I was at rock bottom of my mental state, I had been off my medication (he convinced me I should go off my meds, because I “didn’t need them, it’s all in my head”) I was fighting with inner demons to get out of the ditch I had closed myself into. I had put so many walls up, which ended up crumbling down within minutes of hearing loud noises. I had so many nightmares about that night of June 12, 2014, I blamed myself for so long, it was obviously my fault, right? I was the one who trusted Shopping Cart, I was the one who went along with the wild side of living life on the edge. No matter how many humans told me it wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t believe them. It took months upon months for me to realize that it wasn’t. my. fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. I said “NO!” Multiple times!

I mentioned to SMIFF that I contacted Shopping Cart again, I told her I wanted to see who he was with fresh eyes so to speak, I saw him for who he was, rather than this perfect human my mind kept trying to tell me. I told Birth Giver that I contacted Shopping Cart, her response was “why would you do that to yourself?” It wasn’t exactly the response I was hoping for. However when I told my therapist she agreed that it was a great personal growth for me. Yes, that was the response I was looking for.

Being able to talk to him on the phone, then over messenger video helped me so much, I questioned my past, but also realized how much I changed. Now I would never talk to someone who acts or thinks the way he does. My nightmares of him are gone.

The next day after talking to him, my past self popped back up telling my present self that I should give him another chance:

Past Potato: He was gentle with you during the hookups…
Now Potato: He always had to be drunk first though.
Past Potato: He took you to the bars downtown!
Now Potato: Yeah I had to walk a mile or so to get to his apartment, in the dark only to find out that he had already started drinking, so basically I had gotten into his car while he was shit faced way too many times.
Past Potato: But-
Now Potato: Shut the fuck up, I’m doing great at the moment, I’m working at a job that I love, I scored in the top 3 of CKA taking ServSafe, despite having a concussion! I picked myself up wanting, needing to get better so I can stop being so scared to leave Potato Manor. I am not going to go back to Shopping Cart with his shitty hand drawn tattoos, he doesn’t believe that I was molested! He gave me so much PTSD, I get nervous when I’m around too much alcohol!

It was a loud debate inside my mind, but Past Potato shut the fuck up.

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~SirChangeling

 

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Flashback Nightmares: Is This Real Life? Well, It Was.

I had another nightmare again. I woke up at 5am because I was finally able to break free from the grasp it had on me. Not even 15 minutes of Bobo cuddles could help the terror go away. I’m beginning to wonder if I have PTSD over this. I mean I already have PTSD from my childhood, but is it possible that I have it over what’s causing my nightmares? I’ve been having two sets of nightmares, one set is about my older sibling, who is dead to me. The other is about panic attacks while working on register. I’ve been having the same kind of nightmares about working on register at my former job since I quit at the end of February. It starts out about the same, I go in and visit former coworkers, only to end up being told to get on register because I’m late for my shift. After telling the manager that I no longer work there so no I’m not going on register I end up being on register because that’s how nightmares work. The line of hangry customers is out the door and I’m having trouble focusing on the customer I’m with. When it comes to counting back change I’m having so much difficulty that I’m looking at the $7 wondering if it’s really $7. I mean there’s a five dollar bill and two one’s but it doesn’t look like $7. The panic attack comes soon after that. The feel is so real, I’m pretty sure I’m thrashing on my bed, when I’m able to wake up I’m sweaty with a pounding heart. It takes at least over a hour to get my heartbeat to calm down.

It sucks, because this nightmare is a flashback. Well not the first part, but being on register only to have a panic attack soon after is. I would experience that for a year and half. When I go shopping I’ll almost always use my card over cash. Cash causes too much anxiety.

I still try to keep up the positive attitude on life. 2016 has been great for me despite the all the nightmares, which makes me afraid to sleep. I miss having insomnia sometimes, I didn’t have nightmares then. I mean sure my mood changed, because I wasn’t sleeping, but no nightmares….then again I was working on register at that time, so my nightmares were a day time activity.

I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks from my childhood too. Not the good kinds either. I have daddy issues, among other issues. So the abusive flashbacks are another thing that have the need to come forth. After years of pushing them away not wanting to deal with them, I think it’s time to finally talk about it with my therapist. Shit it’s going to be difficult. There will be tears. I will be snot nosed from all the tears. I’m not looking forward to it.

~SirChangeling