Posted in Life

Mental Illness Up For Grabs

Can I just give someone my depression? Or rather all of my mental illness issues? I don’t want them anymore….well I never wanted them to begin with. What middle schooler decides ‘know what would be great to add to everything new and confusing I’m dealing with? Mental illness! Sign me up for that shit!’ If there is a small human who actually says that, please introduce them to me, so I can inject all my years of mental illness issues into that small shell of a robot….I would like to have a robotic arm in exchange. Can you imagine all the wicked cool Inspector Gadget things I could do?! Inspector Gadget was so much better than Sabrina the Teenage Witch…perhaps this is why I support robots so much? I mean robots are going to take over the world one day, I rather be on their good side. So random lady who paid with her phone on apple pay at panera bread, then complained at me for saying “robots will take over one day, are you ready?” you are probably going to be the first to be on the robots’ bad side.

That was a great way to start off this post. Perfect example how my mind works. Be upset with one thing, remember something great, followed by a memory that pissed me off…then smirk to myself in an empty room, because I’m ridiculous sometimes.

Onward to the main reason for writing this post.

I was talking to my therapist about how I believe one of the reasons I was in an abusive relationship to the point of getting pimp’d out, sexually molested, blaming myself then next day, having a panic attack in public, then getting matching tattoos with said guy who pimp’d me out… has to do with the people I surrounded myself with. I was close friends with 2 humans who weren’t the best humans to be around with all the time. I’ve mentioned them a couple times in past posts. The Testicle mainly is who was a horrible friend to me, if you can even call her a friend. She would say some of the nastiest things to me, but follow it up with “I say this because I care about you.” Her “friendship” got to the point where I would ask coworkers to insult me, because the words I was saying to myself over and over again, weren’t strong enough because I grew so used to them. Most of my coworkers would actually compliment me, but at the time I wouldn’t accept it, now thankfully I am grateful to those humans.

2015 was a tough year for me, I don’t remember any of it. I kind of remember bits and pieces, but not enough for me to say what happened each month. I’ll remember something, but it didn’t happen that year, it might have happened at the end of 2014, or the being of 2016. I never understood how humans can go black out drunk all the time, I blacked out for a year due to mental illness, looking back it’s one of the scariest events that happened to me.

When I dropped out of college in 2012, I deleted so many friends off my Facebook, because I was extremely ashamed of myself, I couldn’t graduate college, I was letting so many humans down. I felt useless, scared, and judged. Good thing I had The Testicle to be there for me continuing to make me feel worse by adding to the list of negatives. She told me I could only have cheese once a week. It got to the point where she was telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. So I ditched our friendship and never looked back. I chose cheese over her and it was one of the best things I’ve done for myself. It’s probably up there with dropping out of college. I’m glad I dropped out of college when I did, because I was miserable when I wasn’t with my friends, in anime club, or following the albino squirrel on campus taking pictures, thus being late for one of my classes. It was probably math class… albino squirrels > math classes.

I’ve recently started adding back former classmates from high school, those who I was close to then. In the hopes that maybe we’ll become close again? I realize it might not happen, but I figured I would try anyway.

I want to apologize to the humans I’m recently adding back into my life, I’m sorry for the way I acted in high school and middle school. I had just been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. If it’s something you can just forgive and forget about, I’m slightly jealous, I wish I had that super power, instead I constantly remember events that happened in elementary school through high school. I can’t do anything to help my past self, so of course that gives me a whoosh of depression.

To the humans who stuck up for me I thank you every day, even if it was something little, that they didn’t think meant anything. In elementary school I was being bullied for my weight, because of course I was. I remember one of the popular girls told me to stick my hands out, she told the bully to stick his hands out. “Shut up Charlie. Keely’s fingers are thinner than yours!” Charlie ended up mumbling something and walking away, the other girl did too, but I was so shocked that she would do that for me. She earned so much respect from me that day, and honestly I still give her so much respect. I looked up to her in the sense of her bravery and confidence, because height wise, I was the tallest in the class.

Another example was during a fire drill, my anxiety was skyrocketing, since fire drills did that to me all the time, I would be anxious to go to the bathroom because what would I do during a fire drill? Where would I go? I also didn’t want to miss anything in class, because there was never a good time to ask to go to the bathroom.
All the classes were lined up on the turf field when I hear the phrase “penis” be thrown out into the wind. The penis game was starting. Another human yelled “penis” soon a group of boys were seeing who could scream the phrase “penis” the loudest. Ryan Rahmati won that round. So thank you Ryan for making my anxiety decrease during that fire drill. I’ll never get to thank him in person for that. I missed my chance for that. I did tell his mom, which made her laugh so I’m glad I was able to pass that memory to her for when she needed a laugh. Ryan was one of the good guys, he never bullied me, which obviously earned him so much respect. My body was instantly numb when Birth Giver informed me of Ryan’s passing, I wasn’t fully present at work, I couldn’t walk over the 2 houses to his memorial at his parents’ house. I was able to give his family some coffee cake and espresso brownies that I had made, I walked those over a couple days after. My anxiety makes being in large crowds difficult, thankfully his mom understood. I wished it was Charlie who died instead, whenever I saw Ryan in passing on the bus, he looked so happy, I was proud for him. Rest in Peace Ryan Rahmati.


Posted in Life

My pumpkin chai is now cold it took me so long to write this

I’ve put off writing a blog post long enough, I had legit reasons for why, no motivation, depression increasing, extreme exhaustion, wrist pain, Appelsin sitting on me asleep and purring. I mean that last one I thought that I would never be able to move. Once a kitty lays down on you, you’re pretty much stuck in that position until they get up and leave. As the chosen bed for the world leader you can not get up. Just accept your fate and be proud. Appelsin is sitting next to me as I type this up. Orey is on my shoulder laying on the back of the couch looking out the window…he was there first, then I sat down so of course he had to lean onto my shoulder for support. He’s tubby, which may or may not be my fault, I give him treats because he gives me *those* faces. When I don’t give him a treat, I avoid his eyes, he follows me, continuing to stare at me until I cave. I end up going downstairs where he can’t follow me. We have an understanding, which is why his nickname is Tubby.

Orey just moved to the other side of the couch, I think he can read, he didn’t like the Tubby comment.

I believe it was last month I had this great idea to write a blog post, but I never did. So I’ll write it now.

To set the scene I dropped out of college in the fall of 2012, I lasted 2 years and a week and a half at Colby-Sawyer College. I’m surprised I lasted as long as I did honestly, I had lots of difficulty, not just with the work, but also my mental health. Campus Security was called on me at least twice. One time was because I cut myself with scissors, I didn’t have any plastic knives near me, which was my go to choice, because I couldn’t bring myself to use metal. A former friend called the heath center on me. Another time was because I turned my phone off so Birth Giver ended up calling Campus Security on me, having Campus Security knock on my dorm room was incredibly embarrassing, how I lasted another year was beyond me. This all happened my Freshman year.

I tried really hard in college, a lot of it I didn’t understand. When I would go to the tutoring place I didn’t ask more questions when I should have because I felt guilty for still not understanding the material after it was explained a bunch of times already. I liked some of my classes, but the material didn’t stick in my head. So when the exams came around I would always draw a blank on the answers.

I loved hanging out with my friends, and being in the clubs, I remember I told an upperclassman that I felt like I was at a summer camp the first week. I was having fun, perhaps I’m really good at pretending everything is okay when really it’s not? My Soul Mate in Friend Form was the first one to tell me how college isn’t for everyone. She was there for me during my multiple break downs, particularly one in the library. It was finals and I had waited till the last week because of course I did. I was in the basement of the library trying very hard to hold in a massive panic attack. This was Sophomore year.

I left during Junior year a week and half in, I already missed 2 days worth of classes, I couldn’t leave my room. My depression was getting worse by the minute. I felt extremely guilty being on my friend’s “Worst Roommates List” she hadn’t said anything to me about this, but I just knew I was on there. Plus my grandmother went to Colby-Sawyer College, she was so proud of me getting accepted that I didn’t want to leave or disappoint her. So I continued to suffer because I didn’t want to be the family disappointment.

When I got home I deleted so many college friends off of my Facebook. I was so ashamed for having to leave due to my mental health that I didn’t want to burden my friends. It’s been 5 years since I dropped out. I’m proud of my friends who have graduated, I’m upset that I burned those bridges with some friends, I can’t just “add friend” to a bunch of them because that’s just how I am as a Potato.

For a while whenever my depression and surprise bag of mental illness started to increase (usually around August) I would delete friends off of Facebook because of the fear, embarrassment, guilt, all around depression of not wanting to be a burden to everyone. Then in the Spring I would add them back, or try to. I would also just give up on the adding back, because of the thought of how obnoxious it must be to be deleted then added back.

There was another topic I wanted to do, but I forget what it was, plus this topic took a lot out of me, but it also feels powerful to finally let it out. As I was writing this post outside my window was moving day for a family of squirrels. I watched as Momma squirrel carried at least 3 baby squirrels out of a tree hole, one by one, moving them to another tree out of view from the window. I grabbed some photos and a video.

Left: Momma Squirrel is guarding the tree hole with baby squirrels inside.
Right: Momma Squirrel totally sees me



Posted in Life

Is December Over Yet?

I’ve been trying my best just to get through December, I’m not sure how well that’s going, because I just want to live in my bed and never leave. My bed is very comfy, as well as warm (I love my heated mattress pad) plus there’s usually a cat or a dog on my bed at any given moment. For example, Orey is snoring next to me.

My depression becomes increasingly worse throughout the winter, and in December it just feels extremely painful and difficult to do anything. Holidays always give me major anxiety, not that I need it with my daily crippling anxiety…I’ve been dreading xmas 2016 since xmas 2015. I don’t see the point of the holiday I’m not religious, and I don’t see the need to visit extended family or Skype even. I told my Birth Giver in November 2015 that I don’t want to see my extended family for at least 5 more years. I saw them this past summer. Birth Giver told me that she misses going down to NJ to visit family each year, because xmas time is the best with seeing family and whatnot. Going to NJ was always a hassle for me. Long car ride, seeing family for too long, not being able to escape to my room for safety. I would be in a guest room, but that’s not my room, and foreign rooms don’t have that much safety feeling. Plus xmas time was very stressful growing up. My abuser aka my dad would always make putting up the tree the worst thing ever. I remember there was always yelling, and I would end up crying and running away, sometimes I would be slapped for “talking back” or trying to explain my side of things through tears and snot. I’m extremely thankful that my parents got a divorce when they did. I wish it was sooner though, I remember calling my brother one night, he was away at college. I was crying telling him how terrified I was that our parents were yelling, I was afraid that our dad would come into my room and hit me. So I was hiding in my closet, hoping to be invisible.

I have daddy issues, along with other issues. I suppose that’s why I have a love for morbid dark humor.

My allergist appointment showed that I am not allergic to dairy, instead my crippling anxiety convinced me that I was. So from the end of April-beginning of December I was convinced that I was allergic to dairy because of my anxiety. Life with dairy again has been good, skim milk is delicious! I missed the taste of skim milk. Cheese is a wonderful thing. The carrot cupcakes at my work are extremely flavorful!

As I write this post, I’m very out of it, my depression is bad, I’m lonely all the time, I have ptsd flashbacks and nightmares when I sleep, so I don’t want to sleep, but I need to sleep. To make matters worse I stopped visiting former coworkers, because every time I would visit this one fucker would remind me how last winter I had an anger attack and threw a dishpan at him. Needless to say I had so much guilt bubbling inside me, I was afraid to go back to the cafe, I was afraid to face my former coworkers. Anger attacks are the worst for me, I don’t have control over my body or actions. I don’t like having these types of mental breakdowns in public, so to know that a bunch of former coworkers saw me like that, I don’t feel safe going back. Chances are I’m going to be reminded how I threw a dishpan at someone. I was told I’m never going to live that down. My therapist mentioned how I need to forgive myself for that moment, and I thought I did, but now I’m not sure. I told myself that he deserved it, because that night he was being a real jerk, hiding my drink on me, untying my apron, being obnoxious to a ticking time bomb he had it coming. Then to remind me (once my mental health was getting better) how unstable and broken I was. I just feel like crying all the time, sometimes tears don’t run down my face, my eyes hurt too much to create the relief of tears. (Bobo is sitting in my lap purring, since he knows I’m upset. Orey is still next to me snoring.)

I usually reread my posts, take out all the times I typed “and” swap it for a different word, but I can’t do it this time. I forgot what else I was going to put in this post. Despite how difficult this month is the rest of my year has been excellent. I’m trying to stay positive, so sending dank memes to Science Witch, Queersaders, SMFF, and Stranger Danger. As well as avoiding my former work place, which has been hard because I miss seeing the other employees…but for my mental health I can’t go there for awhile.

15725987_1692807790744829_1839735425_oDerpy smile in this photo. Bobo bought me this huge can of pumpkin that was on clearance. So now I have 12 cans of pumpkin puree and a massive can of pumpkin puree.

Life is difficult this season, but I do know I have friends, humans, and animals that do care about me.


Posted in Life

Boobsie da Norwegian Forest Cat: Anxiety Healer

Yesterday I went to a Walmart for some shopping, I survived the holiday crazy. The mission to go there was because Boobsie needed a carrier, since on Tuesday he is going for a checkup at the vet. I succeeded with buying a carrier for my baby, despite having a massive headache due to the lack of caffeine. I didn’t have any coffee in the morning and it seems I’ve become addicted to caffeine…again. I suppose it’s one of those addictions that can’t be helped.

I read that I needed to slowly introduce Boobsie to his carrier, so that evening I tossed some treats onto the bedding for him to explore. I then tossed in a bag of catnip, and brought out the red dot. So Mr. Boobaloo could defeat that. After sitting at the end of my bed just staring into space, he decided that kneading my warm blanket (right out of the dryer) was a good time to fall asleep. Boobsie didn’t start out as my baby, but he claimed me as his owner, so now he is my baby. As I write this post, he is asleep in my arms…purring.

Winters are difficult for me, no motivation to do anything. I’ve been writing to do lists for myself everyday that have “Blog post?” written, but it’s difficult to even start writing. When I open up Google Chrome my home page is my blog, but finding the want to start typing seems impossible. I’m sleeping the whole day, but wide awake at night. During the night is also when I find flashbacks tend to show themselves on repeat. I can’t do anything about them since it’s from the past, so I just have to watch them go by. I can’t do anything to help my past self.

Last night I had another anxiety attack, from a flashback or upcoming event, I don’t remember which. I ended up deep breathing to help calm me down. That and petting Boobsie who turned around so his purring face was right up close and personal with mine. He was kneading my blanket, so his loud purrs helped calm me down. He really is my baby.

Fun Fact: I told Boobsie to bring me a squirrel after I let him out into the wilderness. The next day Birth Giver told me she found a decapitated squirrel in our front yard. I was told to stop requesting gifts from our cat, or else Birth Giver will put them in my room.

I usually don’t plan out what my blog posts are going to be about. I just let the words flow from my mind, down my arms through my fingers and onto the keypad of my laptop. Then boom there’s a blog post that has happened. So this one happened to be about how my Boobsie helps calm down my anxiety so of course I am going to work hard so my kitty has a better life.

I tossed in some of his kitty treats so he could explore his new carrier.
He just defeated the red dot.
Staring off into space. I paused Salem on Netflix to be entertained by my kitty.
Someone found where I keep his catnip and treats…


He moved, making this picture blurry, but look how tall he is.
Very Important Photo.


Posted in Life

Netflix is getting boring….

I was watching Bob’s Burgers on Netflix, until I became bored with Netflix. Which is quite easy to do. I’m probably going to cancel my account because ugh it’s getting boring. Plus now that I finished Lost Girl, there’s really no point in Netflix. Watching TV is getting to be a lot of work, or perhaps it’s my attention that is not catching up to Netflix standards? Anyway I decided to have a BuzzFeed marathon, because those are fun, up until I read a post about how offended humans are. Then my marathoning slows down, because BuzzFeed is starting to sound like Tumblr’s other personality. You know the one who bitches about how everyone is oppressing them, they aren’t using that word in the correct way. Bye Felicia!

This Fucking Post is what I shall be ranting about today. If you don’t want to go on BuzzFeed that’s fine, I think I’ll be able to capture what my opinion in a way that makes sense…possibly…you’ll probably still want to click the link.

Apparently Mental Hospitals aren’t a topic to be joked about. Which is stupid because everything can be joked about. If I think something is funny that doesn’t necessarily mean I support it. To quote Jim Jefferies in FreeDumb (which is on Netflix. Stand up comedy is probably the best part of Netflix) “You can joke about anything, a joke doesn’t mean intent.” I joke all the time about mental hospitals, despite the fact that I am terrified that I will one day be sent back there. By making jokes about it, it makes the fact less scary.

Also I’m extremely disappointed that no one was wearing those strait jackets, and in rooms with white padded walls. Although several teenagers should have been in strait jackets, myself included. (Imagine falling and trying to get back up!) I’ve had humans joke with me saying they see a “room with white padded walls in my future.” I let them know that Mental Hospitals don’t have those, so where are these walls they speak of? Also I would run at those white padded walls to see if they were really padded. I would like to test those out. Can you imagine if that was a job?
“So what do you do for a living?”
“I run at padded walls to make sure they are safe enough for mental hospital patients.”
“That sounds amazing.”
“It is, it’s even better when I wear the strait jacket to run into the walls.”

For the humans who claim that mental hospital themed Halloween decorations are offensive, I wonder if they have ever been to one? I’ve noticed that a lot of the humans who are butthurt about topics are usually the ones that don’t have to deal with said topics. There was an abandoned asylum type theme park that was shut down because humans found it offensive. These types of humans are the worst, because they are ruining others’ fun. I’m not a fan of being scared, (I will go on strike by not sleeping if I have nightmares) but I wouldn’t want to take away someone else’s fun. My Soul Mate in Friend Form loves horror movies, I can’t watch them. Yes, she’ll tease me a little bit about it, but if I really want to be scared I can just open up the memories from my PTSD.

The decorations are a bit wrong though, the sign wouldn’t be written in blood, however it is true about no one leaving. A kid ran away once, and humans flipped shit. The Po-Po was called, no one was allowed to leave the building that day. The kid was found and brought back, he earned respect from me that day. I didn’t become his friend or anything, but he was able to run away from his aid, I think he got to the next town over or something. I saw him as extremely brave. Wait I just remembered someone wrote “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” on the white walls, in red paint one time.

The rags would have to be in the design of bars over windows, to give it that nice homey Mental Hospital feel. Oh and calling it an Asylum just sounds great, which it’s not. So that’s why I call them Mental Hospitals, because I loathe hospitals….and doctors.

This was an odd post, but basically I just really want one of those decorations, but I can’t because they’re off the shelves…and I don’t want to buy one.

Here’s a comic to end the post:





Posted in Life

Title: TBD

I hate the fall season. At first it was only winter that I hated. But I hate fall too. Whenever asked what my favorite season was I would answer summer. I am one of those humans that prefers to be sweating than be freezing. Sometimes it gets to the point where I am way too hot to move but then I remember ‘at least I don’t have hives right now.’ Plus if I wait long enough my sweat will dry and I’ll be freezing and in a sweatshirt shivering. In summer I get to experience all the seasons! The pros/cons of being allergic to cold weather.

Yesterday it was in the 50’s I was summoned to go over to my former job and visit. I also made some pumpkin chocolate chip bread. So I was bringing some of that over to share. I actually texted Blue Gigglez to see when he was working, because he loves that bread and I love seeing other humans happy when I present them with my noms. It makes me feel useful in life. And with it being Autumn right now, feeling useful is a good thing for me. The walk which took about 5 songs was nice and upsetting. Nice because I like walking places, I listen to my iPod (Peeves) while having a lip sync battle with myself, you never know when you will get invited to have a lip sync battle with Jimmy Fallon. I’m in it to win it. I’ve been doing this since 2010ish or anytime I walked to work, a bus stop, goodwill, pretty much if I’m walking and I am listening to music there is a lip sync battle taking place. I can’t sing, but I’m great at lip syncing. Anyway, I was walking over and within 2 minutes or so my legs began to become itchy. Shit. I still had a little ways to go before I reached my destination, and the hives had started. I didn’t want to turn back home, because I was on a mission damnit. The itchiness was not because of my anxiety, or other mental health issues, no it was because I’m allergic to the cold weather. So around this time I like to hermit. Sure it does shitty things to my already getting worse mental heath, but at least I’m not having hives.

My depression worsens around Autumn. The seasons change so my allergy to the cold kicks in. Which means I get hives that don’t go away for at least an hour. I always thought it was normal to go outside and be extremely itchy within a couple minutes. I also thought it was normal to faint all the time during puberty. Neither of those things are normal. But I didn’t want to be that person who asks “is this normal?” and have it be normal and then I’m there looking like an awkward human trying to blend in with the wall. I mean it also backfires because I went 22 years going outside always being itchy in the cold weather. As well as fainting whenever I stood up too fast in middle school.

I’ve always been that special child who needs extra attention, but didn’t receive it until it was too late. As a result I have cursed so many unborn children. I feel like a witch in those fairy tales. It’s great. I am on the autism spectrum as well as having Trisomy X. Sometimes its great because I can appreciate those offensive jokes about autism and having extra chromosomes. But it also sucks because I have these issues so learning things is difficult, understanding things takes awhile to stick. Example: It took me at least 10 times to be shown how to make coffee in a coffee pot at my former job. I’m a special potato. I didn’t want to have humans be disappointed or think that I couldn’t do something, so I would say that I understand things, even though I would end up staring at the coffee maker hoping it would tell me how to use it properly, because that was so much easier than asking for help, obviously.

I was going to make this post either about my tattoos and what they mean, or write a Dear Human post. Which is basically me writing a letter to someone who is no longer in my life. Coping skills I learned in therapy. One of the few positive coping skills I learned in group therapy that is. Group therapy is not for everyone, no matter how much humans will tell you to go to group therapy, if you know it’s not right for you, don’t go. I had a premonition of what would happen if I went to group therapy and it ended in me going back to a mental hospital, or jail. Probably mental hospital because I was not mentally stable at the time. And I’ve seen enough Law & Order SVU to know that show is fake, but still I would probably be sent to a mental hospital (again) over jail.

This post ended up being a way to wake me up a tad bit. Having depression means I sleep all the time. I miss having insomnia last year, I wasn’t sleeping all the time. In fact I was rarely sleeping. Ugh depression I either sleep too much or not enough. This is my life.

I can’t move some place warm because I don’t have the funds for that.

When I have insomnia I can’t sleep, even if I want to. Your articles about why sleep is important aren’t helpful.

I can’t smile, it’s against my religion. (I told that to a customer who told me ‘you could at least smile.’)

I have no idea what my sexuality or gender is anymore. I don’t really want to find out, because it’s a surprise for what the day brings.

Here’s a picture of my World Leader: Bobo. Within 15 seconds of me sitting down in a chair  across from him, he was in my lap giving me purrs, kneads, and drooling. He drools when he is happy.
Pumpkin Chocolate Chip bread! Dairy free!! Including the chocolate chunks!
I’m in a winter hat of some animal, a sweater and my lumberjack jacket. It was 52 degrees outside. I was freezing and itchy. My snapchat is amazing. 
If you can’t wait for when my ‘When I feel like it’ blog updates.


Posted in Life

Pumpkin Spice, Apple Cinnamon, & Depression Season

The start of fall is supposed to be nice right? Pumpkin spice and apple cinnamon flavors everywhere! Trying to get friends to go Apple Picking with you, so baking can happen. Fall festivals, cozy sweaters, leggings, and Halloween!!! However for me my depression becomes stronger at a steady pace, by the time I notice it, it’s difficult to leave my bed. I can’t leave my room unless to go to the bathroom. Eating is optional. I’m not too lazy to get out of bed, I just can’t get out. I don’t see the point. It’s not a fear, I just have no motivation or want to get out of bed. Everything is difficult for me, I don’t want to do anything. So I’ve just been watching Lost Girl on Netflix.

I will write down what I should do each day, but I barely get to the point to check them off. I want to do things, but I also know that once I do go out and do said activity, my anxiety kicks in so then I have to get back to my safety bubble (aka my room) I recently moved downstairs of Potato Manor, I guess that’s a start for me.

It’s also going to be getting colder, as someone who breaks out into hives when the temperature drops I’m not looking forward to this. I’m on medication so I can go outside and not break out into hives. I had to up the dosage at the end of August. Usually I can wait until the end of September.

I’m also sleeping more, which is a sign that my depression is present. I’m tired all the time. I can’t just be happier, it doesn’t work like that. I’ll try listening to upbeat music, but I’ll just end up crying because I can’t control my emotions. I don’t know why I’m crying and it’s not because of some female bullshit issues, it’s because depression is the fucking worst.

I don’t want humans’ pity, I don’t want their wisdom for what I should do. I have Autism, Trisomy X, severe depression, extreme anxiety, and a bunch of other shit I don’t know the names for. When I get angry, I need my space. I will say things that I can’t take back, only to be plagued with guilt for the rest of my life.

I don’t forgive myself for throwing a tray at a former coworker last year, I couldn’t control myself, I couldn’t stop the anger coming on, the stress from not getting enough hours to pay off student loans, the stress from not being able to handle the work load I had, from sensory overload. I don’t confront humans when they piss me off. Especially during the fall and winter seasons, instead I push away my emotions, I hoard the emotions until I can’t take it anymore so then the anger explodes out like a volcano erupting. I’m surprised I didn’t do more damage than just throwing a tray at him. (I almost killed a fish once from an anger attack. Knocked the fish tank off a table, the fish blended in with the carpet so it took a couple moments to find the fish.)

No matter how much it sucks to have all these issues, I still won’t wish this upon anyone.


Posted in Life

Flashback Nightmares: Is This Real Life? Well, It Was.

I had another nightmare again. I woke up at 5am because I was finally able to break free from the grasp it had on me. Not even 15 minutes of Bobo cuddles could help the terror go away. I’m beginning to wonder if I have PTSD over this. I mean I already have PTSD from my childhood, but is it possible that I have it over what’s causing my nightmares? I’ve been having two sets of nightmares, one set is about my older sibling, who is dead to me. The other is about panic attacks while working on register. I’ve been having the same kind of nightmares about working on register at my former job since I quit at the end of February. It starts out about the same, I go in and visit former coworkers, only to end up being told to get on register because I’m late for my shift. After telling the manager that I no longer work there so no I’m not going on register I end up being on register because that’s how nightmares work. The line of hangry customers is out the door and I’m having trouble focusing on the customer I’m with. When it comes to counting back change I’m having so much difficulty that I’m looking at the $7 wondering if it’s really $7. I mean there’s a five dollar bill and two one’s but it doesn’t look like $7. The panic attack comes soon after that. The feel is so real, I’m pretty sure I’m thrashing on my bed, when I’m able to wake up I’m sweaty with a pounding heart. It takes at least over a hour to get my heartbeat to calm down.

It sucks, because this nightmare is a flashback. Well not the first part, but being on register only to have a panic attack soon after is. I would experience that for a year and half. When I go shopping I’ll almost always use my card over cash. Cash causes too much anxiety.

I still try to keep up the positive attitude on life. 2016 has been great for me despite the all the nightmares, which makes me afraid to sleep. I miss having insomnia sometimes, I didn’t have nightmares then. I mean sure my mood changed, because I wasn’t sleeping, but no nightmares….then again I was working on register at that time, so my nightmares were a day time activity.

I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks from my childhood too. Not the good kinds either. I have daddy issues, among other issues. So the abusive flashbacks are another thing that have the need to come forth. After years of pushing them away not wanting to deal with them, I think it’s time to finally talk about it with my therapist. Shit it’s going to be difficult. There will be tears. I will be snot nosed from all the tears. I’m not looking forward to it.


Posted in Life

ughhhhhh *insert your own witty title*

Where do I begin? Week 10 of class was very difficult-emotionally wise. I kept trying to go back to the internship each day, I tried so hard but I could only last about 1.5 hours before anxiety ambushes. I had a classmate tell me she saw how hard I tried with each day, having her tell me that helped so much. Anxiety fucking sucks, so to have humans see how much I’m trying to fight back helps a lot.

Facebook is a great place for my anxiety, and by that I mean it’s the absolute worst. I was getting into this pattern of gotta check Facebook, gotta see what my friends are posting. Except Facebook was getting really depressing, posting funny pictures wasn’t helping me anymore, I’d go on Facebook, and just feel bad about myself. So last Wednesday I deactivated my account. I felt a whoosh of freedom, which sounds silly but that’s what it feels like. I now browse reddit, Imgur, Pinterest, and random webcomics. So yes I’m still wasting away on the internet, (I am from there after all) but I’m not depressed of anxious when I’m on sites. I didn’t start Facebook until 2009, because I thought it sounded stupid to join. When I did sign up I had friends tell me “finally you’re on Facebook!” Then for the next 7 years I posted pictures, great statuses, and looked up fellow humans comparing myself to them. That last one is a huge issue for me, as an Autistic Potato* I have overcome so many hurdles, so to compare myself with former high school classmates made my depression and anxiety team up and make my mood worse.

*Don’t get Butthurt because the names I call myself offend you. I don’t give a fuck, why are you offended by names I call myself? I will continue looking at the ground as I walk places, because that’s how I find free money. I’m an Asexual Autistic Potato. Fight me…but not really because I will run away.

Here’s some pictures from my Facebook, I downloaded all the pictures in my albums before I deactivated my account. I might be back on, but hopefully I won’t be.



Posted in Life

Anyone Want Free Anxiety?

Hello, I would like to give up my anxiety  I’m completely done with this unnecessary anxiety. It’s not saving me from anything in fact it’s actually the complete opposite! This unnecessary anxiety is making my life hard to do things I want to do. Thankfully I don’t have the daily panic attacks, because of sensory overload, however counting change when I need to buy things still gives me those hiccups. I start apologizing because I’m taking forever counting dimes and nickels because is that 80 cents? I’ve counted the coins 3 times, each time getting different answers! No one will be behind me but the countdown in my head is going TICK TICK TICK. Deep breathing has been working but I need to block out all the noise in order for that to happen. Block out then noise is easier said than done, since all the noise is inside my head.

Another example of unnecessary anxiety is over time management. I can’t be late to appointments, I’ve already scheduled. I said I will be there so I’ll be early! I CAN’T BE LATE! I need to be at least 20 minutes early, if I get somewhere too close to the starting time I have anxiety attacks. I didn’t prepare myself enough. I didn’t have enough time to talk myself up, give myself the eternal pep talk about how I can do this. I can get through this appointment, I won’t die today! I CAN DO THIS! When I don’t have that pep talk while waiting for whatever it is, the anxiety comes out full blast. I need to listen to music as I give myself my pep talk. I need to get lost in the lyrics and beat of these songs as I tell myself I can make it!

I hate having anxiety attacks in public. It’s the worst because I’m trying to keep it in. I don’t want humans to see me like that. I pull my hair (reason why I now shave it) my hands need to grab at something. My whole body is shaking, breathing hurts, my eyes fight the tears from falling. Tears win because I cry when I experience more than one emotion at once. It sucks. Anger + anxiety? Tears. Laughter + anxiety? Tears. Anxiety to the max? Tears. Guilt + anxiety? Can’t get out of bed because TEARS! I had anxiety attacks a lot when I was working, by a lot I mean it was every shift I had to run to the back. The wall and I became really close, who needs a shoulder to cry on when you can have an entire wall to support you and hide your face! It didn’t work I’m not subtle, thankfully my coworkers were extremely understanding. Which gave me hope for humanity, but they didn’t deserve  having to turn the corner and see me trying to morph into the wall trying to disappear. Luckily I was able to hold in all the anxiety until I got back home so I can just scream it out. I was terrified that some moments I wouldn’t be able to hold in the screams. Anxiety screams are much worse than my jumpy screams. Anxiety screams are 4 or 5 loud body shaking screeches. My body is completely dead afterwards. It’s exhausting having anxiety.

This post is brought on because today I left to go back to Vermont. I had a blast reuniting with my Soul Mate in Friend Form, I didn’t want to leave but also I miss my bed and my World Leader Boobsie! SMFF and I tried 6 taxi places before finally getting someone to answer our phone call. The taxi picked me up at 1:45pm boarding at the bus station was at 1:50, the bus left at 2:05pm. I arrived at the bus station at 1:50. My pep talk wasn’t working because anxiety already took over. I was debating whether or not I should ask a worker if the Vermont bus was already called. I knew it wasn’t because it wasn’t even 2pm. I told my anxiety to shut up and go away. Didn’t work. 3 minutes later the announcement for the boarding for the Vermont bus came on. I got on the bus with my backpack, snack bag (SMFF: “you’re going to get hungry. Get more snacks. I’m acting motherly to you I know.”) and my suitcase is underneath with the other humans’ bags. The time is 2:43pm the bus left the station 35 minutes ago. My anxiety attack lasted 1 hour, luckily it was just a short attack.

Anyone want to take my anxiety from me?