Can I just give someone my depression? Or rather all of my mental illness issues? I don’t want them anymore….well I never wanted them to begin with. What middle schooler decides ‘know what would be great to add to everything new and confusing I’m dealing with? Mental illness! Sign me up for that shit!’ If there is a small human who actually says that, please introduce them to me, so I can inject all my years of mental illness issues into that small shell of a robot….I would like to have a robotic arm in exchange. Can you imagine all the wicked cool Inspector Gadget things I could do?! Inspector Gadget was so much better than Sabrina the Teenage Witch…perhaps this is why I support robots so much? I mean robots are going to take over the world one day, I rather be on their good side. So random lady who paid with her phone on apple pay at panera bread, then complained at me for saying “robots will take over one day, are you ready?” you are probably going to be the first to be on the robots’ bad side.
That was a great way to start off this post. Perfect example how my mind works. Be upset with one thing, remember something great, followed by a memory that pissed me off…then smirk to myself in an empty room, because I’m ridiculous sometimes.
Onward to the main reason for writing this post.
I was talking to my therapist about how I believe one of the reasons I was in an abusive relationship to the point of getting pimp’d out, sexually molested, blaming myself then next day, having a panic attack in public, then getting matching tattoos with said guy who pimp’d me out… has to do with the people I surrounded myself with. I was close friends with 2 humans who weren’t the best humans to be around with all the time. I’ve mentioned them a couple times in past posts. The Testicle mainly is who was a horrible friend to me, if you can even call her a friend. She would say some of the nastiest things to me, but follow it up with “I say this because I care about you.” Her “friendship” got to the point where I would ask coworkers to insult me, because the words I was saying to myself over and over again, weren’t strong enough because I grew so used to them. Most of my coworkers would actually compliment me, but at the time I wouldn’t accept it, now thankfully I am grateful to those humans.
2015 was a tough year for me, I don’t remember any of it. I kind of remember bits and pieces, but not enough for me to say what happened each month. I’ll remember something, but it didn’t happen that year, it might have happened at the end of 2014, or the being of 2016. I never understood how humans can go black out drunk all the time, I blacked out for a year due to mental illness, looking back it’s one of the scariest events that happened to me.
When I dropped out of college in 2012, I deleted so many friends off my Facebook, because I was extremely ashamed of myself, I couldn’t graduate college, I was letting so many humans down. I felt useless, scared, and judged. Good thing I had The Testicle to be there for me continuing to make me feel worse by adding to the list of negatives. She told me I could only have cheese once a week. It got to the point where she was telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. So I ditched our friendship and never looked back. I chose cheese over her and it was one of the best things I’ve done for myself. It’s probably up there with dropping out of college. I’m glad I dropped out of college when I did, because I was miserable when I wasn’t with my friends, in anime club, or following the albino squirrel on campus taking pictures, thus being late for one of my classes. It was probably math class… albino squirrels > math classes.
I’ve recently started adding back former classmates from high school, those who I was close to then. In the hopes that maybe we’ll become close again? I realize it might not happen, but I figured I would try anyway.
I want to apologize to the humans I’m recently adding back into my life, I’m sorry for the way I acted in high school and middle school. I had just been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. If it’s something you can just forgive and forget about, I’m slightly jealous, I wish I had that super power, instead I constantly remember events that happened in elementary school through high school. I can’t do anything to help my past self, so of course that gives me a whoosh of depression.
To the humans who stuck up for me I thank you every day, even if it was something little, that they didn’t think meant anything. In elementary school I was being bullied for my weight, because of course I was. I remember one of the popular girls told me to stick my hands out, she told the bully to stick his hands out. “Shut up Charlie. Keely’s fingers are thinner than yours!” Charlie ended up mumbling something and walking away, the other girl did too, but I was so shocked that she would do that for me. She earned so much respect from me that day, and honestly I still give her so much respect. I looked up to her in the sense of her bravery and confidence, because height wise, I was the tallest in the class.
Another example was during a fire drill, my anxiety was skyrocketing, since fire drills did that to me all the time, I would be anxious to go to the bathroom because what would I do during a fire drill? Where would I go? I also didn’t want to miss anything in class, because there was never a good time to ask to go to the bathroom.
All the classes were lined up on the turf field when I hear the phrase “penis” be thrown out into the wind. The penis game was starting. Another human yelled “penis” soon a group of boys were seeing who could scream the phrase “penis” the loudest. Ryan Rahmati won that round. So thank you Ryan for making my anxiety decrease during that fire drill. I’ll never get to thank him in person for that. I missed my chance for that. I did tell his mom, which made her laugh so I’m glad I was able to pass that memory to her for when she needed a laugh. Ryan was one of the good guys, he never bullied me, which obviously earned him so much respect. My body was instantly numb when Birth Giver informed me of Ryan’s passing, I wasn’t fully present at work, I couldn’t walk over the 2 houses to his memorial at his parents’ house. I was able to give his family some coffee cake and espresso brownies that I had made, I walked those over a couple days after. My anxiety makes being in large crowds difficult, thankfully his mom understood. I wished it was Charlie who died instead, whenever I saw Ryan in passing on the bus, he looked so happy, I was proud for him. Rest in Peace Ryan Rahmati.