Meet the Members of my Rock Band!

There seems to be a confusion about my Rock Band. They aren’t a band in the sense that they play instruments or sing, they’re a band as in they band together. My rocks are there for each other and me. Each time I pick up a rock I needed to find it for some reason. I’ve had friends help name my rocks as a way to help me keep connected.

1 .Bob the Boulder: It was late fall 2015, I don’t remember 2015 that great. 2015 was as if my mind was on pause, so my body just operated on its own. I think I had so much shit happen to me in 2014, that I had to block out 2015 so I wouldn’t have more shit piled on. The last 6 months of 2014 I had multiple humans abandon me during the time I needed them the most, these were human who I thought were my friends. I realize now it was for the best, unfortunately I wasn’t able to realize this sooner. During fall 2015 I was at my worst, my closest friends lived states away, I couldn’t open my door to greet SMiFF like in college. Every time I walked to work I would pass this rock on the side of the road, I would give it that head nod, the ones that humans give to each other as a greeting. You know the one that doesn’t involve talking, aka the best kind of greeting. One day before leaving Potato Manor I grabbed a reusable cloth bag, when I walked up to Bob I picked it up and put it inside my bag. Bob ended up being half covered in dirt. So basically I dug up a huge rock before going to work. When I walked into the cafe I remember Ms. Rapture asking me what was weighing down my bag I had draped over my arm. I told her I found a new friend in the form of a rock. I texted Science Lesbian asking for rock puns, she delivered with Bob the Boulder along with a few other options. My former coworkers agreed Bob the Boulder was the best name.

2. Kk the llama Rock: Stranger Danger texts “K” to me all the time. Yes, he’s one of those humans who texts me pictures of decapitated bodies. (OK looks like a sideways stick figure) I texted him asking to name my pet rock, he responded with “Kk” I responded with “Ll” because our conversations are amazing. Llama was the first word to come to mind that started with “Ll” According to Stranger Danger I named Kk the Llama Rock in homage to him, since he had no part in naming my rock.

3. Squire Spud: This one is in the shape of a potato. I’m Sir-Changeling aka Potato, so of course I have a squire! A friend named this one for me.

4. Peaches: Birth Giver found this rock on one of her hikes. She suggested I name it Crystal because of the way it looked. That was such a generic name, I asked SMiFF who informed me the name Peaches was better.

5. Melvin: This rock showed itself to me when I was leaving the Lake House aka my grandparents’ summer home. Melvin Village, New Hampshire on Lake Winnipesaukee is the location of the Lake House. I never refer to the Lake House as my second home, it has always been my grandparents’ summer home, saying that it’s my second home never felt right to say. In my dreams the Lake House always appears as a safety base right before a nightmare starts.

6. Shit Nugget: I was walking to meet Birth Giver at a gas station so she could then drive me back to Potato Manor. (This was during when I was in CKA, the sous chef would be making up lies to stir up unnecessary drama in the class. Which gave me unnecessary panic attacks that resulted to locking myself in a bathroom trying to calm down enough to get through the day.) I was angrily stomping my way to the gas station, I was upset that this disgusting human was able to get to me this much. I found a rock at the same moment I shouted “She’s such a shit nugget!” I then squeezed my rage into said rock, my anger was able to go through me into the vessel of a rock. With the help of my classmates and Chef I was able to succeed in blocking out her drama. Having my Chef say “it’s okay to say no” was a huge relief for me. I never told the sous chef “no” but I said it in a different way, which apparently was me sassing her in a way that made her livid. My classmates told me to keep on sassing this human, since it gave them life. Shit Nugget is that reminder that I won’t let some disgusting human get me down.

7. King Momo: I had this rock that was without a name, so I posted on Facebook that I needed a name for a rock, in exchange I would send noms to the winner. A friend I’ve known since Elementary School provided the name “King Momo” she also told me to look up the meaning behind the name.

8. Petunia: While visiting my brother’s girlfriend’s parents on a mini vacation with Birth Giver we were tourists at Plymouth Rock. Along the shops in the area there was a small one with Harry Potter merchandise. I found a rock outside the shop, deciding to name it Petunia rather than Plymouth (the name that was suggested).

9. Lucifer aka Luci: On my way to bother…uh I mean drop off noms, visit former coworkers, and try to free the major guilt that was associated with my former work place. I found a rock. I gave my 2 weeks notice in late February 2016, however I wasn’t able to free my guilty conscious from the flashbacks until January 2017. Flashbacks of having to leave all the time because of anxiety attacks from register trauma. End 2014 to early 2015 not only was I severely depressed, but I was terrified of an assistant manger who worked there. I couldn’t work the closing shifts on Mondays, because the fear this assistant manager gave me was so strong. I was convinced he would kill me from the day I met him. Saying this out loud seemed so ridiculous I kept it bottled up.

Whenever I had to work a shift I would prep myself 2 hours before leaving Potato Manor. Of course even then I wasn’t able to complete my shift, I would get to work act like I got this, last about 2 hours, end up having to flee from register because I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I never really forgave myself for letting down coworkers as well as the other managers who thought they could count on me. I would mentally beat myself up about this night after night. At one point after holding in 5+ hours worth of anxiety this assistant manager told me “we don’t need you anymore” before taking my register drawer to go count it in the office. I broke down in front of everyone. I somehow was able to tell the head manager that I needed to leave right then. I couldn’t look him in the eye as I told him this. I was so broken from such extreme mental issues.

I kept hoping the flashbacks would stop once that assistant manager left. Obviously that didn’t happen, instead increased panic attacks happened. I thought about leaving to find a different job, but whenever I would look at job ads I would have so much anxiety that I could never click on the job description. When I finally was able to leave the job I had the most guilt from the feel like I was abandoning everyone who counted on me. Especially the head manger. I never really felt as though I deserved the amount of respect he gave me. I stayed as long as I did because I couldn’t bring myself to leave, I felt as though I owed him so much for all he did for me. That’s a weird sentence, I feel I owe a person for treating me with respect.

I would always bring noms as a peace offering to the Friendly’s Ghost in hopes that maybe I could be free from this fear. It took until January 2017 to be free from the traumatic flashbacks. I invited myself to a work meeting, I told humans it was for the free food, when really it was so I could soothe my guilty conscious. I skipped one of those work meetings in 2014 because of the insane amount of fear due to that one manager. Lucifer seemed like a good name for this rock, which is tiny by the way. This tiny rock which stands for so much fear I’ve gone through.

10. Tootie: I told Birth Giver that while at Goodwill I farted since another customer was getting too close to my personal space. My grandmother told me she taught me well. There was a rock near Birth Giver’s car as she picked me up that day.

11. Herbert: I dunno, I found it while shopping at outlet stores. I thought the name was odd, like my rock.

12. Stirling Hatred: SMiFF gave me the name as we were reminiscing inside jokes from college. I had a rock that needed a name, after a fit of giggles it was decided.

13. Francis
14. Reese
15. Malcolm
16. Dewey:
SMiFF loves Malcolm in the Middle I had 4 rocks which needed names.

17. Wanker: it’s fun to say…

18. Fredlicia: I walked into my former work place with noms as well as the announcement that I found a new rock, who needs a name. Fred was a name that was suggested, someone else told me to add “licia” to the end. Thus Fredlicia!

19. Global Warming: This one is in the shape of Vermont. Winter 2016-2017 has been crazy.

17015760_1802407246451549_8915851976799018675_o

Rock Band Members 1-18 in no order whatsoever.

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#19 Global Warming

~SirChangeling

Writing Prompt #2

I have to type this post with one hand, because Boobsie is asleep on my right wrist. His toe beans are touching my fingers, we’re holding paws it’s adorable.

The wind whipped through the dark, empty trees like a warning in a foreign language. Winter was coming, and with winter it also came. It wasn’t wanted, but that didn’t matter. Seasonal Depression struck the worst during this season. “Winter” for Seasonal Depression really meant late fall, or when Halloween decorations become 75-90% off, the crowds at retail stores become more and more over populated, the holidays make anxiety so much worse. The love child of disappointment and guilt that came to life because letting others down, coming in empty handed, or avoiding places altogether.  I’m sorry I didn’t bake the nom when I said I would, I couldn’t get out of bed. I’m sorry I didn’t bake the nom when I said I would, my energy was nowhere to be found. I’m sorry I didn’t make the now when I said I would. I’m sorry. Sorry. Sorry for my depression. Is it summer time yet?

~SirChangeling

Writing Prompt #1

Depression has been winning most days…okay it’s winning most of the winter season. Which is one of the reasons why I am so thankful that I was able to succeed in the 13 week culinary class I graduated from summer 2016. I love the job I have, my job as well as texting the chosen three, seem to be the only positive moments I am clinging on to.

Writing seems like such a chore lately. Well, not writing, but finding the motivation to do anything. I feel as though I’m playing “Marco Polo” with my motivation, but neither of us has the energy to call our lines.  I was surprised I was able to finish a writing prompt. The bold is the prompt, and italic picks up what I finished.

She told him to try again, and he did, and she couldn’t help but laugh. “I told you, I wasn’t a dancer,” he said protesting. “But you’re an athlete, she said, “you‘re half way there. I’ve seen you on the field, you come out of nowhere and steal the show!”
He grinned his signature sly fox look. “I know. I started a system, when the guys see you approaching, I leap into action. I’m not really an athlete, more of a bench warmer.”
“Are you serious?”  She gasped.
“Yup.”
“Why? Why put on this act for me?”
“I enjoy messing with others who assume too much.”
She wasn’t laughing anymore, now she was embarrassed. Her smirk turned into a frown.
“Just admit you were wrong to assume. It’s alright, everyone makes an ‘ass outta you and me’ every now and then.”
“I’m never wrong! You lied to me.”
“Yeah, I did. It was totally worth it too.”

~SirChangeling

 

Is December Over Yet?

I’ve been trying my best just to get through December, I’m not sure how well that’s going, because I just want to live in my bed and never leave. My bed is very comfy, as well as warm (I love my heated mattress pad) plus there’s usually a cat or a dog on my bed at any given moment. For example, Orey is snoring next to me.

My depression becomes increasingly worse throughout the winter, and in December it just feels extremely painful and difficult to do anything. Holidays always give me major anxiety, not that I need it with my daily crippling anxiety…I’ve been dreading xmas 2016 since xmas 2015. I don’t see the point of the holiday I’m not religious, and I don’t see the need to visit extended family or Skype even. I told my Birth Giver in November 2015 that I don’t want to see my extended family for at least 5 more years. I saw them this past summer. Birth Giver told me that she misses going down to NJ to visit family each year, because xmas time is the best with seeing family and whatnot. Going to NJ was always a hassle for me. Long car ride, seeing family for too long, not being able to escape to my room for safety. I would be in a guest room, but that’s not my room, and foreign rooms don’t have that much safety feeling. Plus xmas time was very stressful growing up. My abuser aka my dad would always make putting up the tree the worst thing ever. I remember there was always yelling, and I would end up crying and running away, sometimes I would be slapped for “talking back” or trying to explain my side of things through tears and snot. I’m extremely thankful that my parents got a divorce when they did. I wish it was sooner though, I remember calling my brother one night, he was away at college. I was crying telling him how terrified I was that our parents were yelling, I was afraid that our dad would come into my room and hit me. So I was hiding in my closet, hoping to be invisible.

I have daddy issues, along with other issues. I suppose that’s why I have a love for morbid dark humor.

My allergist appointment showed that I am not allergic to dairy, instead my crippling anxiety convinced me that I was. So from the end of April-beginning of December I was convinced that I was allergic to dairy because of my anxiety. Life with dairy again has been good, skim milk is delicious! I missed the taste of skim milk. Cheese is a wonderful thing. The carrot cupcakes at my work are extremely flavorful!

As I write this post, I’m very out of it, my depression is bad, I’m lonely all the time, I have ptsd flashbacks and nightmares when I sleep, so I don’t want to sleep, but I need to sleep. To make matters worse I stopped visiting former coworkers, because every time I would visit this one fucker would remind me how last winter I had an anger attack and threw a dishpan at him. Needless to say I had so much guilt bubbling inside me, I was afraid to go back to the cafe, I was afraid to face my former coworkers. Anger attacks are the worst for me, I don’t have control over my body or actions. I don’t like having these types of mental breakdowns in public, so to know that a bunch of former coworkers saw me like that, I don’t feel safe going back. Chances are I’m going to be reminded how I threw a dishpan at someone. I was told I’m never going to live that down. My therapist mentioned how I need to forgive myself for that moment, and I thought I did, but now I’m not sure. I told myself that he deserved it, because that night he was being a real jerk, hiding my drink on me, untying my apron, being obnoxious to a ticking time bomb he had it coming. Then to remind me (once my mental health was getting better) how unstable and broken I was. I just feel like crying all the time, sometimes tears don’t run down my face, my eyes hurt too much to create the relief of tears. (Bobo is sitting in my lap purring, since he knows I’m upset. Orey is still next to me snoring.)

I usually reread my posts, take out all the times I typed “and” swap it for a different word, but I can’t do it this time. I forgot what else I was going to put in this post. Despite how difficult this month is the rest of my year has been excellent. I’m trying to stay positive, so sending dank memes to Science Lesbian, Queersaders, SMFF, and Stranger Danger. As well as avoiding my former work place, which has been hard because I miss seeing the other employees…but for my mental health I can’t go there for awhile.

15725987_1692807790744829_1839735425_oDerpy smile in this photo. Bobo bought me this huge can of pumpkin that was on clearance. So now I have 12 cans of pumpkin puree and a massive can of pumpkin puree.

Life is difficult this season, but I do know I have friends, humans, and animals that do care about me.

~SirChangeling

Pumpkin Spice, Apple Cinnamon, & Depression Season

The start of fall is supposed to be nice right? Pumpkin spice and apple cinnamon flavors everywhere! Trying to get friends to go Apple Picking with you, so baking can happen. Fall festivals, cozy sweaters, leggings, and Halloween!!! However for me my depression becomes stronger at a steady pace, by the time I notice it, it’s difficult to leave my bed. I can’t leave my room unless to go to the bathroom. Eating is optional. I’m not too lazy to get out of bed, I just can’t get out. I don’t see the point. It’s not a fear, I just have no motivation or want to get out of bed. Everything is difficult for me, I don’t want to do anything. So I’ve just been watching Lost Girl on Netflix.

I will write down what I should do each day, but I barely get to the point to check them off. I want to do things, but I also know that once I do go out and do said activity, my anxiety kicks in so then I have to get back to my safety bubble (aka my room) I recently moved downstairs of Potato Manor, I guess that’s a start for me.

It’s also going to be getting colder, as someone who breaks out into hives when the temperature drops I’m not looking forward to this. I’m on medication so I can go outside and not break out into hives. I had to up the dosage at the end of August. Usually I can wait until the end of September.

I’m also sleeping more, which is a sign that my depression is present. I’m tired all the time. I can’t just be happier, it doesn’t work like that. I’ll try listening to upbeat music, but I’ll just end up crying because I can’t control my emotions. I don’t know why I’m crying and it’s not because of some female bullshit issues, it’s because depression is the fucking worst.

I don’t want humans’ pity, I don’t want their wisdom for what I should do. I have Autism, Trisomy X, severe depression, extreme anxiety, and a bunch of other shit I don’t know the names for. When I get angry, I need my space. I will say things that I can’t take back, only to be plagued with guilt for the rest of my life.

I don’t forgive myself for throwing a tray at a former coworker last year, I couldn’t control myself, I couldn’t stop the anger coming on, the stress from not getting enough hours to pay off student loans, the stress from not being able to handle the work load I had, from sensory overload. I don’t confront humans when they piss me off. Especially during the fall and winter seasons, instead I push away my emotions, I hoard the emotions until I can’t take it anymore so then the anger explodes out like a volcano erupting. I’m surprised I didn’t do more damage than just throwing a tray at him. (I almost killed a fish once from an anger attack. Knocked the fish tank off a table, the fish blended in with the carpet so it took a couple moments to find the fish.)

No matter how much it sucks to have all these issues, I still won’t wish this upon anyone.

~SirChangeling