Posted in Life

“You’re Basically Telling Me to Eat Shit.”

October has come and gone, because that’s just how time works. For Halloween this year, I was a repeat costume: white person in an informercial. It totally counts! …yes I drop things all year round, but on Halloween I get to really go for it. Potato Manor gave out glow sticks because we were the cool house of the neighborhood. The pack of glow sticks came with wands, glasses, headbands, bracelets, necklaces, rings, earrings….I think that was it? Ever since last year when my anxiety convinced me I was allergic to dairy, I realized that giving out toys is a much better idea than candy. When I was a young tot going trick or treating, one house gave coupins for bowling! I wonder if that is where my love of coupins came from?

Science Lesbian visited me for a couple days, it was amazing. Stranger Danger even visited too! So 2 out of my 3 close friends were in the same room with me at once! It was a comforting moment, that I unfortunately don’t get to experience often.

WOWBK: Words of Wisdom by Keely has been alive for 2 years! Well this blog anyway. I came up with the phrase WOWBK in 2013, I’ve been giving words of wisdom ever since I could speak.

Despite the constant nightmares of working on register, I think I have found a way to fight back. Well I hope so anyway. I see it as confronting my fears, but with an edible twist of humor, because that’s how I roll. Science Lesbian and I made a cake, not just any cake, a kitty litter cake. It was disgustingly fabulous. The cake was then delivered to my former job with a note attached saying “Remember when I had to work on register, despite having panic attacks? No hard feelings.”

I’m very proud of my swirly poop. The scoop was new, hence why the sticker was kept on as proof. Last time Science Lesbian visited, we made a boob gayke. Each time she visits we’re going to bake interesting cakes. It is decided! I’ll start a Pinterest board. Our lovely Litter Box was made of chocolate cake with almond buttercream, topped with crushed nilla wafers mixed with powdered sugar, then only the best poop shaped tootsie rolls. Such art!!!

The best time to deliver a kitty litter cake is when the health inspector is at the restaurant, followed by a bus. Timing is everything!


P.S. There was a pamphlet in Potato Manor’s door when I arrived home. A church was telling us to join. I told Birth Giver, “should I show up in my horns, asking if they accept friends of Satan?” Birth Giver did not reply….then again I was walking downstairs away from her as I was talking…

Posted in Life

Photos of some Noms I’ve made

Since I’ve been forgetting to make great updates on my blog, (despite it being the home page for my internet…so I see it multiple times a day) I’ve decided to just post some of the noms I’ve been making.

  • Dog Cookies with Carob
  • BBQ Sauce
  • Potato Chips
  • Chocolate Fudge
  • White Chocolate Espresso Cake
  • ‘Better Than Fries Potatoes’
  • Chicken Parmesan Bread Bowls
  • Sugar Cookies (Nibble out the hairstyle of your choice)
  • Peanut Butter Fudge
  • Box Mix cupcakes, with vanilla bean buttercreme
  • Whipped Cream on frozen fruit.
  • Momofuku Birthday Cake
  • Taco Stuffed Shells
  • Chocolate Whipped Cream on Chocolate cupcakes


I just had all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out, so I’ll be out of it for the rest of the day. I recently adopted a kitten! So a post about my baby girl will be up soonish.


Posted in Life

Basic White Bitch Treats of Nom 2015

I love to bake, no one really taught me I just picked up skills from watching my mom bake during holidays. The biggest fear and so far the only fear I have with baking is cracking eggs and having the shells get into the mixture, it’s silly but I have yet to master cracking an egg and not get shells into the mixture. When I bake I have to crack the eggs into a different bowl then add them to the mixture. Sure it dirties another bowl, but I LOVE washing dishes so I don’t mind.

I think 2015 was the year that I baked more, I realized that baking calms my anxiety, which has been building up since summer of 2014. I realized that washing dishes, baking, and writing calms me the most music playing in the background of course!  I have tasted some of what I baked, but for the most part I prefer to give it to others for them to enjoy. My coworkers get first dibs since I know they don’t mind what I bring in. Depending on what I make I’ll try to ship it to My Soul Mate in Friend Form and Science Lesbian. I think the best compliment is when the bakers at work approve of my baking, it’s a confidence booster since the bakers’ jobs are to bake the noms so when I’m baker approved I feel like I have leveled up in life.

Here’s the pictures of what I baked this year.

2:13:15 cupcakes 22:13:15 cupcakes

ISAD (International Singles Awareness Day) cupcakes I used frosting to write what humans had said to me. BYE, SAD, RUDE, SH, MEH, :(, NO, BUSY, 666, FAIL, NO, USELESS and then just swirls because writing with frosting is difficult. “Useless” was the only phrase I was called when the human meant it, the rest I knew other humans were joking. I don’t remember much of this year but I know this was in February because ISAD is on February 14.

When Fall came around I let my coworkers know that my inner Basic White Bitch has crashed through like the Kool-Aid man breaking down a wall because someone said “Oh No!” Let the baking begin! Coworkers asked if I would be bringing anything in, I let them know I would bring most of the noms in since I prefer to bake rather than eat the noms. No one gave me any ideas, so to Pinterest I went and feasted my eyes on the pumpkin apocalypse.

mini pumpkin pies

Mini Pumpkin pies that I made for a baker at work. They were supposed to have ginger snap crusty bottoms but I can’t multitask so when I was at the grocery store texting I thought I picked up a box of crumbly ginger snaps not the crumbly graham crackers. I didn’t realize my mistake until the next morning when I was about to make the noms. Despite the wrong bottom I was told these noms were delicious and that’s all that really matters. I am Baker approved. [September 17, 2015]

pumpkin chocolate chip bread

I came across this recipe Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Bread which has so far been deemed the best Basic White Bitch Treat of Nom. I didn’t wait long enough for the bread to cool down so some of the butt came off too. Oh well, I’m not a butt fan anyway. I picked up a shift at work that evening and I’m bad with timing so I thought I had enough time to bake this bread and get to work on time. I didn’t. The wave of guilt plus the rush of anxiety both ambushed me at the same time. I somehow managed to call and say I’ll be 30 minutes late explaining through rapid breathing and shaking that I didn’t want to leave the house with the oven on and I’m sorry that I’m bad with timing and I’ll be over with fresh bread. I was told it was alright, but when I got there the line was out the door and it was dinner rush, and I felt so guilty that I wasn’t there on time to help out sooner. However I was able to wash dishes and make barista drinks and I think it turned out alright. Another baker had tried the bread and I was told “oh my fucking god this is amazing” he later censored his review to “oh my -I can’t say that’s amazing” The anxiety attack I had over being late to work while making this bread wasn’t that bad it was pretty average however I was able to call work and explain, and I fucking hate phone calls. So kudos to me I guess. Oh and I was baker approved yet again! [October 3, 2015]

just the tip

This fun shape is because one of my coworkers loved the pumpkin chocolate chip bread SO much he wanted a loaf for himself. I had told him before that I would make mini muffin size or perhaps big muffin size and then he told me “any shape will do” and that’s what I was waiting for! I had made plans to go get a tattoo that weekend an adult store was on the way to the tattoo place. Science Lesbian told me I should put icing on “just the tip” which ended up pooling to the bottom, because it was both messy and I made too much due to being so excited over this loaf of dick. So many bread/dick jokes happened that night, only because I was the one who was saying them and giggling as I scurried back to dish. The text I receive later that night was just what I needed to read: “the bread was orgasmic” [October 13, 2015]

brochez egg muffins

Not really baked noms, but I made these BroChez Egg Muffins (broccoli cheddar) at 2am. I saw a youtube step by step plus I had the hunger so I made them. Delicious! Plus a great way to test out my cooking skills. I prefer baking. [October 22, 2015]

hot vanilla

Hot Vanilla with whipped topping and a sprinkling poof of cinnamon. I gave up drinking coffee it was difficult because I loved the flavor of coffee more than the energy boost it gave me so I was not a depressed zombie, however always being caffeinated was tiring and I soon began to hate who I had become. So I ditched the coffee and started looking at recipes on how to make different drinks. I’m not a fan of real chocolatey flavored drinks so this hot vanilla definitely hit the spot. [October 28, 2015]

funfetti cake since I won battle

I made this funfetti cake because I won a battle that wasn’t really a battle. One of my friends told me his real age. The battle lasted a little over a year and I was just so proud of myself for the victory, I baked a strawberry cake that I attacked with sprinkles. [November 9, 2015]

71 decorated ricotta cookies

My mom had mentioned there was a cookie swap that she might go to. I asked if I could come as well since I had never been to a cookie swap. I made 75 ricotta cookies, except 4 of them were sacrificed just to make sure they turned out okay. I lasted 45 minutes at the cookie swap before everything was too much for me so we had to leave. I can’t handle crowds without anxiety attacks and it fucking sucks! When the noise level is too much I have that fight or flight reaction and I NEED to leave asap! Since I hate making a big scene about everything I did what I had to do: stare at the floor to keep the anxiety in until I got home. While I was staring at the floor I noticed a can of tuna, my first thought being: “that’s a weird place to have a tuna can, does the host just randomly eat tuna off the floor. I’m not judging that actually sounds pretty great. Wait there’s a cat dish next to it.” Without my voice cracking, “where’s your cat?” I asked the host who thankfully was right next to me. Dante, as I learned was asleep on the chair in the other room, once I found out he was friendly I went and bonded with the orange world leader. Dante was the best part about the cookie swap, I texted Stranger Danger to let him know that I have found a world leader at the cookie swap and how Dante was the best part about this party. Stranger Danger texted back informing me that cookies were probably the best part of the party. I let Stranger Danger believe he was right, even though he was wrong. Dante had cute squeaky mews and I watched him play with his toy then he watched me play with his toy. Cat toys are the best! Much more entertaining than dog toys. Even though I had to leave early because of an anxiety attack, I got to meet Dante and cross something off my bucket list. If I go to a party find the cat. Oh and cookies, we got cookies. [December 7, 2015]

thin mint hot chocolate

Thin Mint Hot Chocolate without the crushed up girl scout cookies like the recipe suggested. The recipe made A LOT of this, so if I were to make this again I would need 3 other humans to help me drink it. Since I made this at 3am, no one else was there to help me so I obviously had to drink it all. I put half in my fridge then drank the rest later in the morning. [December 11, 2015]

pull apart pizza

Not baked treats of nom, but this was a pull apart pizza. I tried my cooking skills again, this was quite tasty however I should have added more chez. When in doubt add more chez. [December 13, 2015]

I really wanted to wash dishes. The morning before I baked all these I had so much trauma because of having to go to the hospital for blood work. I had hoped I would be able to go to the hospital, be in and out WITHOUT an anxiety attack, but that’s not what happens when you have to go to a place you’re terrified of. The nurse at the hospital told me what he was doing as he was taking my blood, which I appreciated. I also took 9 stickers afterwards because stickers help fight back with the suckage that life has thrown at me. Anyway I baked a ton after the hospital visit, I made chocolate peanut butter fudge  (which was supposed to be something else but I made an oops, so I made fudge) Vanilla hot chocolate mixes, Mint Oreo chezcake and pumpkin spice molasses cookies. I brought all of these into work for my coworkers to enjoy. Well I brought half of the chezcake the other half my mom was going to bring into her work, but she never did so now I have half of that in my fridge. I’m not a fan of chezcake, like at the cheesecake factory. That kind is disgusting, but whenever I order dessert there I have to order cheesecake because it’s the name of the restaurant! (This rant is for another post) l did enjoy the chezcake I made . The hot chocolate mix is a recipe that my mom had when she was in college which made 10.5 pints total. [December 16, 2015]

oatmeal raisin cookies

Even though I think raisins are disgusting I made oatmeal raisin cookies. Since my math skills are horrible I bought way too many raisins. I’ve made 2 batches of these cookies so far (about 6 dozen cookies) The first batch I ended up burning a little. I was trying to make them crispy! But like I said I never had any classes for baking, this was the first time I ever made oatmeal raisin cookies. The second time I made them (pictured above) I was told that this batch was better. However I have 1 cup of raisins left and I am making that final batch! I was baker approved with the second batch, but because I want to get the cookies right plus get rid of the fucking raisins I’m making and giving Stranger Danger that last batch. Hopefully the last batch will be the best! [December 23, 2015]

pumpkin crème brûlée

For Christmas this year I made pumpkin Crème Brûlée. My mom let me know that crème brûlée was not easy to make and all this nonsense. Ermahgerd just keep your comments to yourself, I decided to just ignore her rather than tell her to “fucking shut up” I mean it was Christmas eve when I made them. I don’t have a kitchen torch (which everyone seemed to agree was a good idea that I don’t have one. Rude) so I used the broiler for the light dusting of sugar on the top. They turned out superb! I think the tops looks like Rorschach Test, which is a plus since those are fun to look at. I already know I’m mentally insane so I don’t really give a fuck what humans think. I have so many issues I’m like a comic book with a movie franchise, except I’m not getting any of the money from it. Which I could really use to cover my expenses due to being insane and having so much mental illness shit.