Posted in Life

Meet the Members of my Rock Band!

There seems to be a confusion about my Rock Band. They aren’t a band in the sense that they play instruments or sing, they’re a band as in they band together. My rocks are there for each other and me. Each time I pick up a rock I needed to find it for some reason. I’ve had friends help name my rocks as a way to help me keep connected.

1 .Bob the Boulder: It was late fall 2015, I don’t remember 2015 that great. 2015 was as if my mind was on pause, so my body just operated on its own. I think I had so much shit happen to me in 2014, that I had to block out 2015 so I wouldn’t have more shit piled on. The last 6 months of 2014 I had multiple humans abandon me during the time I needed them the most, these were human who I thought were my friends. I realize now it was for the best, unfortunately I wasn’t able to realize this sooner. During fall 2015 I was at my worst, my closest friends lived states away, I couldn’t open my door to greet SMiFF like in college. Every time I walked to work I would pass this rock on the side of the road, I would give it that head nod, the ones that humans give to each other as a greeting. You know the one that doesn’t involve talking, aka the best kind of greeting. One day before leaving Potato Manor I grabbed a reusable cloth bag, when I walked up to Bob I picked it up and put it inside my bag. Bob ended up being half covered in dirt. So basically I dug up a huge rock before going to work. When I walked into the cafe I remember Ms. Rapture asking me what was weighing down my bag I had draped over my arm. I told her I found a new friend in the form of a rock. I texted Science Lesbian asking for rock puns, she delivered with Bob the Boulder along with a few other options. My former coworkers agreed Bob the Boulder was the best name.

2. Kk the llama Rock: Stranger Danger texts “K” to me all the time. Yes, he’s one of those humans who texts me pictures of decapitated bodies. (OK looks like a sideways stick figure) I texted him asking to name my pet rock, he responded with “Kk” I responded with “Ll” because our conversations are amazing. Llama was the first word to come to mind that started with “Ll” According to Stranger Danger I named Kk the Llama Rock in homage to him, since he had no part in naming my rock.

3. Squire Spud: This one is in the shape of a potato. I’m Sir-Changeling aka Potato, so of course I have a squire! A friend named this one for me.

4. Peaches: Birth Giver found this rock on one of her hikes. She suggested I name it Crystal because of the way it looked. That was such a generic name, I asked SMiFF who informed me the name Peaches was better.

5. Melvin: This rock showed itself to me when I was leaving the Lake House aka my grandparents’ summer home. Melvin Village, New Hampshire on Lake Winnipesaukee is the location of the Lake House. I never refer to the Lake House as my second home, it has always been my grandparents’ summer home, saying that it’s my second home never felt right to say. In my dreams the Lake House always appears as a safety base right before a nightmare starts.

6. Shit Nugget: I was walking to meet Birth Giver at a gas station so she could then drive me back to Potato Manor. (This was during when I was in CKA, the sous chef would be making up lies to stir up unnecessary drama in the class. Which gave me unnecessary panic attacks that resulted to locking myself in a bathroom trying to calm down enough to get through the day.) I was angrily stomping my way to the gas station, I was upset that this disgusting human was able to get to me this much. I found a rock at the same moment I shouted “She’s such a shit nugget!” I then squeezed my rage into said rock, my anger was able to go through me into the vessel of a rock. With the help of my classmates and Chef I was able to succeed in blocking out her drama. Having my Chef say “it’s okay to say no” was a huge relief for me. I never told the sous chef “no” but I said it in a different way, which apparently was me sassing her in a way that made her livid. My classmates told me to keep on sassing this human, since it gave them life. Shit Nugget is that reminder that I won’t let some disgusting human get me down.

7. King Momo: I had this rock that was without a name, so I posted on Facebook that I needed a name for a rock, in exchange I would send noms to the winner. A friend I’ve known since Elementary School provided the name “King Momo” she also told me to look up the meaning behind the name.

8. Petunia: While visiting my brother’s girlfriend’s parents on a mini vacation with Birth Giver we were tourists at Plymouth Rock. Along the shops in the area there was a small one with Harry Potter merchandise. I found a rock outside the shop, deciding to name it Petunia rather than Plymouth (the name that was suggested).

9. Lucifer aka Luci: On my way to bother…uh I mean drop off noms, visit former coworkers, and try to free the major guilt that was associated with my former work place. I found a rock. I gave my 2 weeks notice in late February 2016, however I wasn’t able to free my guilty conscious from the flashbacks until January 2017. Flashbacks of having to leave all the time because of anxiety attacks from register trauma. End 2014 to early 2015 not only was I severely depressed, but I was terrified of an assistant manger who worked there. I couldn’t work the closing shifts on Mondays, because the fear this assistant manager gave me was so strong. I was convinced he would kill me from the day I met him. Saying this out loud seemed so ridiculous I kept it bottled up.

Whenever I had to work a shift I would prep myself 2 hours before leaving Potato Manor. Of course even then I wasn’t able to complete my shift, I would get to work act like I got this, last about 2 hours, end up having to flee from register because I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I never really forgave myself for letting down coworkers as well as the other managers who thought they could count on me. I would mentally beat myself up about this night after night. At one point after holding in 5+ hours worth of anxiety this assistant manager told me “we don’t need you anymore” before taking my register drawer to go count it in the office. I broke down in front of everyone. I somehow was able to tell the head manager that I needed to leave right then. I couldn’t look him in the eye as I told him this. I was so broken from such extreme mental issues.

I kept hoping the flashbacks would stop once that assistant manager left. Obviously that didn’t happen, instead increased panic attacks happened. I thought about leaving to find a different job, but whenever I would look at job ads I would have so much anxiety that I could never click on the job description. When I finally was able to leave the job I had the most guilt from the feel like I was abandoning everyone who counted on me. Especially the head manger. I never really felt as though I deserved the amount of respect he gave me. I stayed as long as I did because I couldn’t bring myself to leave, I felt as though I owed him so much for all he did for me. That’s a weird sentence, I feel I owe a person for treating me with respect.

I would always bring noms as a peace offering to the Friendly’s Ghost in hopes that maybe I could be free from this fear. It took until January 2017 to be free from the traumatic flashbacks. I invited myself to a work meeting, I told humans it was for the free food, when really it was so I could soothe my guilty conscious. I skipped one of those work meetings in 2014 because of the insane amount of fear due to that one manager. Lucifer seemed like a good name for this rock, which is tiny by the way. This tiny rock which stands for so much fear I’ve gone through.

10. Tootie: I told Birth Giver that while at Goodwill I farted since another customer was getting too close to my personal space. My grandmother told me she taught me well. There was a rock near Birth Giver’s car as she picked me up that day.

11. Herbert: I dunno, I found it while shopping at outlet stores. I thought the name was odd, like my rock.

12. Stirling Hatred: SMiFF gave me the name as we were reminiscing inside jokes from college. I had a rock that needed a name, after a fit of giggles it was decided.

13. Francis
14. Reese
15. Malcolm
16. Dewey:
SMiFF loves Malcolm in the Middle I had 4 rocks which needed names.

17. Wanker: it’s fun to say…

18. Fredlicia: I walked into my former work place with noms as well as the announcement that I found a new rock, who needs a name. Fred was a name that was suggested, someone else told me to add “licia” to the end. Thus Fredlicia!

19. Global Warming: This one is in the shape of Vermont. Winter 2016-2017 has been crazy.

Rock Band Members 1-18 in no order whatsoever.
#19 Global Warming


Posted in Life


When I was in middle school I would tell new friends that I was shy at first, but once I opened up more I was alright. I continued to say that through high school, some friends would chime in saying that I wasn’t shy whatsoever. I remember having this embarrassed feeling engulf me, but still manage to continue on with the conversation, despite the awkwardness inside my head.


So I guess those humans were right with saying that I was not shy. I didn’t use the correct word to describe myself. I should’ve said “I have extreme anxiety, that will turn into crippling anxiety in the future.” I recently had the epiphany: ‘oh, I’ve always had anxiety. I just didn’t know it at the time.’ Along with the extreme anxiety meant the attacks that followed when too many emotions would happen at once, or I didn’t know how to deal with my anxiety so of course I would burst. I would always try to have my attacks at my house, rather than in public. Or a bathroom if I could find one. Which is odd because the feeling of being trapped is not one that I enjoy. So going to a bathroom hiding myself behind closed doors and walls probably isn’t the greatest coping skill. I say “isn’t” because I still do it.

I was told growing up that my anxiety attacks, panic attacks and anger attacks were all temper tantrums. So that’s what I would tell others that I had. I remember the looks I received back all made me seem as though I was pathetic. I bet if I changed the wording I wouldn’t have had those looks given to me. Which is stupid.

I don’t remember my first panic attack, but I do remember a bunch of them. The outcome of all of them were horrible. If I was around my Abuser whenever one would happen, I would get a hard smack across my face followed by yelling such as “STOP CRYING! IF YOU DON’T STOP CRYING I WILL SMACK YOU ACROSS YOUR FACE SO HARD YOUR NOSE WILL BLEED! THAT WILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!” The reason for that response was because I was upset that a science project didn’t work the way I wanted it to at home. When my cousin showed me how to do it, it went smoothly. So I slammed my hand on the wall and stomped away crying very upset. Only to have him follow me to my room and yell at me. Birth Giver didn’t do anything to stop him. Maybe that’s why I’m terrified to have panic attacks in front of others?

(Birth Giver asked me if I call him Sperm Donor, since she’s Birth Giver. I told her his name is Abuser)

I have to stop this post now, because I work at 7am today. It’s 5:33am currently so I need time to calm down the swirling flashback memories.


Posted in Life

Boobsie da Norwegian Forest Cat: Anxiety Healer

Yesterday I went to a Walmart for some shopping, I survived the holiday crazy. The mission to go there was because Boobsie needed a carrier, since on Tuesday he is going for a checkup at the vet. I succeeded with buying a carrier for my baby, despite having a massive headache due to the lack of caffeine. I didn’t have any coffee in the morning and it seems I’ve become addicted to caffeine…again. I suppose it’s one of those addictions that can’t be helped.

I read that I needed to slowly introduce Boobsie to his carrier, so that evening I tossed some treats onto the bedding for him to explore. I then tossed in a bag of catnip, and brought out the red dot. So Mr. Boobaloo could defeat that. After sitting at the end of my bed just staring into space, he decided that kneading my warm blanket (right out of the dryer) was a good time to fall asleep. Boobsie didn’t start out as my baby, but he claimed me as his owner, so now he is my baby. As I write this post, he is asleep in my arms…purring.

Winters are difficult for me, no motivation to do anything. I’ve been writing to do lists for myself everyday that have “Blog post?” written, but it’s difficult to even start writing. When I open up Google Chrome my home page is my blog, but finding the want to start typing seems impossible. I’m sleeping the whole day, but wide awake at night. During the night is also when I find flashbacks tend to show themselves on repeat. I can’t do anything about them since it’s from the past, so I just have to watch them go by. I can’t do anything to help my past self.

Last night I had another anxiety attack, from a flashback or upcoming event, I don’t remember which. I ended up deep breathing to help calm me down. That and petting Boobsie who turned around so his purring face was right up close and personal with mine. He was kneading my blanket, so his loud purrs helped calm me down. He really is my baby.

Fun Fact: I told Boobsie to bring me a squirrel after I let him out into the wilderness. The next day Birth Giver told me she found a decapitated squirrel in our front yard. I was told to stop requesting gifts from our cat, or else Birth Giver will put them in my room.

I usually don’t plan out what my blog posts are going to be about. I just let the words flow from my mind, down my arms through my fingers and onto the keypad of my laptop. Then boom there’s a blog post that has happened. So this one happened to be about how my Boobsie helps calm down my anxiety so of course I am going to work hard so my kitty has a better life.

I tossed in some of his kitty treats so he could explore his new carrier.
He just defeated the red dot.
Staring off into space. I paused Salem on Netflix to be entertained by my kitty.
Someone found where I keep his catnip and treats…


He moved, making this picture blurry, but look how tall he is.
Very Important Photo.


Posted in Life

When a baker misses a spot sweeping, I point it out…because I’m the assistant baker.

“How is molasses spelled?”
I recently got a job! I’m a baker’s assistant! This is a perfect job for me, I’m excited to go to work, and learn more about working in a bakery. For once I actually feel like I deserve getting paid for my job. It’s an unreal feeling, with my past 3 jobs I never felt like I deserved the paycheck. That could be because of my depression and other mental illness surprise box issues, but looking back I still don’t think I deserved getting the money for the jobs. I put a lot of hard work into my jobs, but I never felt noticed enough for the hard work….probably because of severe depression…

Today marks that I have had my blog for a year! It’s a nice accomplishment, I never thought that I would actually have followers. I started the blog as a way to escape both my mind and reality. It can be so noisy in my mind, and reality can be exhausting, so by blogging, I figured I can rant my thoughts out to anyone that wanted to listen. Watching the number of “humans creeped on this blog” increase has been very exciting! Having friends tell me that my blog has helped them, is incredible. Just what the whaaaat? Really? Whoa. I’ve been told that I have a great voice in writing, but my birth giver told me that, it was getting to the point where I was questioning if she was just saying that since she birthed me? Then friends were telling me that I’m a really great writer, but still I was questioning, is it because they’re my friends so of course they tell me my writing is great…I really am my biggest critic, for writing as well as the baked noms I make.

I was able to take this picture featuring Bobo. This is what success looks like, it has taken me at least 8 years or so to get a photo like this with my world leader. He’s not a fan of photos, but he was on my lap sleeping when I decided to try once more. He ran off after this photo, but there was about 6 tries before this magical photo was created.

I’ve seen so many memes about how 2016 has been a horrible year, but I strongly disagree. I don’t want to say that I’m happy, because I will end up jinxing myself somehow…so I’m a strong content. I still have days where my depression is stronger, or my anxiety has a surge, so deep breathing doesn’t decrease the attacks, but for the most part I’m doing alright.

One of my strong complaints at the moment is that my allergy to dairy is obnoxious. I work in a bakery, 3 days a week for 5 hours. So that being said I’m surrounded by butter, milk, creamer, sour cream, cheeses, and so much dairy! I wear gloves, I’m washing my hands, I’m changing my gloves constantly, and yet I’m still having to flee to the bathroom because of the pain I’m in. Which usually comes with the anxiety of being scared of what if I have to give up this job? I then tell myself: “Fuck that noise!”

I worked earlier today, so that meant I had to wake up around 5:30am so I could arrive at the bakery a few minutes before 8am (when I had to clock in) I clocked out around 1:20pm, when I arrived back to Potato Manor (my house) I flopped on my bed and soon passed out. It’s exhausting work, but I love it so much. Plus that much interaction with humans tires me out. I am an introvert, so I need time to recharge after being in public. Which means I grab some snacks, something to drink, my baby…aka MacBook Pro, wait for Bobo to take up a good chunk of my queen size bed, and just relax. If something is too far for me to reach, well that sucks for me. I’ll try to parkour it, by seeing how far I can stretch to get it without having to leave my bed, but also not dying since the floor is lava.

The best way to hang out with my friends is sitting near each other on our phones, computers, reading books, just relaxing in each other’s company. My SMFF and I will sit in the same room and send dank memes or funny videos to each other on our phones. I love being next to a friend when they are reading or on their computer, or if I’m really lucky I get to watch them play video games. I love watching my friends play video games, it’s like listening to someone talk about something they love. It’s wonderful.

I’m exhausted still…but I wanted to do a blog post today because of it being a year ago I started this blog.

I made this meme a while ago.
A sleeping Trash Panda…aka me with makeup on that I forgot to take off.


Posted in Life

Will You Accept My Friendship?

After a couple days of telling myself to write the follow up post of vacation with the Science Lesbians, but not finding the motivation to do so, I found it. I just had to watch 4 episodes of Penny Dreadful on Netflix first. Love that show.

So from August 9th-19th I was able to spend my time with Science Lesbians, their cats, and families in Maine.

August 9th: I was picked up from the bus station in Portland. Was then whisked away stopped at a couple of stores in the area. Bull Moose was a wonderful store despite being haunted by Lake Champlain Chocolates…Vermont was following me. We then went to a cooking store where we took shots of infused vinegar, as well as infused olive oil shots. When mixing a buttery olive oil with a maple vinegar it tasted like PANCAKES were just born in my mouth. Mardens was another stop that was made. I connected with a Halloween mug that has a black cat on both the handle and inside the mug. My support for World Leaders is strong. At Science Lesbian’s house I finally met her World Leaders! Boo and Linus. After many videos and pictures exchanged and I was able to bow down to their greatness. Okay I probably squealed because they’re adorable.

August 10th: Blueberry picking happened. I became a true Mainer that day. As well as being eaten alive from mosquitoes. Bananagrams also happened. Despite Psychology Lesbian “cheating” by rapidly making words I was surprised how I was able to still make words. Most of the time the game would end with my art of words followed by a pile of tiles that I couldn’t make into words because somebody was saying “peel” too fast.

Here’s a conversation from that day, that was too great to not write down:
“I bought Slipshine with my stipend from class.” -Me
“You bought porn for being a good student?” -Science Lesbian

August 11th: On this day I was able to see where the Science Lesbians go to get their comic books. We also went to Savers, I bought a purse because I have a bag and wallet fetish, some humans buy shoes, I buy wallets and bags after a couple months. The mall was the next part of the adventure.
“Fox as in the Kawaii Fox. Then run.” – Psychology Lesbian.
Torrid was the only store we went into, since by the time we arrived everything was closing soon. I tried some clothes on, nothing fit in the way I liked but trying clothes on while derping in the mirror was part of a great experience.
“What’s your name?”- Associate at Torrid.
“As in the vegetable? I mean starch?”
*Associate writes Potato on the whiteboard of the door where I’m going to try clothes on*
“My name is Becca, and I’ll be here if you need anything.”
For the rest of the time we were in the store Potato was still written on the door.

Since I have crippling anxiety I can’t speak in front of a crowd of humans. I can’t really be present in a crowd of humans without having an attack. However I keep being told I would be a great stand up comedian. Stand up comedians are in front of a group of humans. That’s just terrifying! I was given an alternative I can do:
“We’ll put you in a box with a laugh track in the background.” – Science Lesbian
“Will I get a microphone?” – Me
“Yes, and we’ll randomly push you on stage, because your box is on wheels.”
“I’ll be Boxed Potato peaking while peeking. It’s brilliant.”

“I had a dream last night where you both dyed my hair blue. Bleaching it first though. When I woke up I was disappointed that I didn’t have blue hair. I’d come back from vacation in Maine with blue hair. I’d tell my birth giver my hair had always been blue.”
“Tell her you ate too many blueberries. It happens a lot. Humans end up in hospitals because they keep turning blue.” – Science Lesbian

We ended our day with going to Olive Garden for dinner. Our waitress had only been working for about a month, but she was given too many tables then she could handle. So after waiting 15 minutes before even seeing her, the hangry at our table was growing. I was deducting the tip rom 20% to 15% because of having to wait for so long. The restaurant wasn’t even busy, it was because the waitress didn’t realize she had a lot of tables. The other table was directly across from our table. So we were in earshot of the shit going down for messed up orders. Behind Science Lesbian was a guy with a man bun, I didn’t want to be obvious about it so I took a photo of Science Lesbian on my phone with man bun in the background. Nailed it. When our food finally came, the other table was loud about their messed up order. Naturally I was eavesdropping, but I needed to act normal about it. Which apparently meant angrily mixing my spaghetti while giving intense eye contact with Science Lesbian. It was an interesting night… we all agreed that we wanted more shit to go down, since we were all entertained by it.
“Does Olive Garden have a porn parody?” – Science Lesbian
“What would that even involve? Smacking a butt with a cooked spaghetti noodle? When You’re Here, You’re Family. That’s a horrible tagline for a porn parody.”

I commented the tip should be 17% because I found out that the BREADSTICKS ARE DAIRY FREE!!!

August 12th: Blueberry picking happened again. We picked 3.5 pounds in 30 minutes. (Get Rekt) While Science Lesbian was at work, Psychology Lesbian took me to some speciality shops: pasta, produce, meat, and a bakery. Being a tourist was great. Dinner that night was homemade pasta made by Science Lesbian’s mom. The meal was so delicious, I was sad when it was gone. Criminal Minds marathon happened as we ate dinner.

“What I learned from Criminal Minds- I should put a lock on the fridge and put the key on a chain around my neck so I can then control the food.” – Science Lesbian
“No, that’s not the message.” – Me
“Was it be nice to your babies so they don’t kill you later from revenge?”


To those who want to know why I don’t watch cooking or baking shows: timed challenges are the worst for me to watch. Plus when fuck faced humans waste food! (I hate wasting food, so if I throw food away, there is a good reason behind it)

August 13th: 
Blueberry pancakes to start the day is always a plus!
Followed by chasing Psychology Lesbian out of the kitchen with syrup so she could stop cleaning and take a shower.
Explored the library, helped color in a butterfly.
Shopped in cute stores downtown.
Went into a coffee shop, ordered a Matcha thinking it was just going to be hot water and Matcha…turned out to be a Matcha latte with milk. Had to say that I can’t have dairy due to an allergy. Felt absolutely horrible due to anxiety pulsing throughout my body. Science Lesbian received a free Matcha latte while I had a soy one made for me. Walking over to the table I was trying not to spill the very full mug of hot Matcha latte. So derping dramatically while scaring an elderly lady. Whatever I got her seat. After returning back to Science Lesbian’s house I had to take a 4 hour nap to recharge from the anxiety at the coffee shop.

August 14th:
Boston Comic Con 2016. I bought 3 grab boxes/bags. Then ended up having to give my wallet to Science Lesbian telling her to only give it back to me for when I go meet Shen of Owlturd Comix and Sarah Anderson of Sarah Scribbles. I only had one anxiety slip, but I was able to take a tablet for it. Considering how crowded Boston Comic Con was I was proud that my anxiety decided to wait until basically the end of the con. There was a group of humans chanting really loud to some music. I don’t know if they thought they were singing but I had a need for Simon Cowell to set all of them straight. While in line to be drawn in Owlturd Comix style I received a notification saying I had a new message from OkCupid.
“This guy with no profile picture just messaged me.”
“That’s the worst.” – Some girl in front of me in line.
“His message says ‘Do you want to suck a big black dick later?'”
“Seriously?” – Girl from before.
“Sorry, I have a dairy allergy. Plus I don’t really like chocolate.”
The girl in front of me starts laughing so hard she’s about to fall over.
“What did you do?!” – Science Lesbian
“I broke her! I just made some commentary, and she started laughing so hard. Ermahgerd I broke her.”

(This blog post is a long one! This is why I was putting it off for so long)

August 15th:
Spent the night at Psychology Lesbian’s house. So the next day we kidnapped Psychology Lesbian’s sister, who wasn’t warned about me, however I was warned about her comments. Heh.
I went to Target…he magicalness of the store seemed to disappear. There’s no Target in Vermont, so for years I always wanted to go to Target when I was in a different state. I don’t know why I had such a love for the store, Walmart is better honestly. I like to dress up for Walmart, in hopes to make it on the internet  I haven’t made it yet.
Back at Psychology Lesbian’s house her dog Bear and I bonded and became friends. I’m glad to have met Bleu as well. RIP Bleu from the 2 days I was with you, you had a great personality. I’m sorry I almost sat on you, I learned to always look for dogs under blankets before sitting on couches.
Thank you to Psychology Lesbian’s mom for making the curry for dinner! Thank you for not making it spicy…I have a pansy mouth and can’t handle spicy foods.

August 16th: 
Portland adventure
sticker shop
Classy sex boutique. When testing vibrators put it on your nose, if you sneeze it’s a great vibrator!
Gelato shop that had dairy free Sorbetto! Strawberry balsamic & Ripe Mango made a refreshing OTP for my tastebuds.
Bull Moose and comic book store.
Picnic on Science Lesbian’s porch while it poured rain.
Word card game

August 17th & 18th: 
These days I slept a lot, I needed to recharge from all the adventures that I was having. On the 18th we went to an Ulta and I was able to see the store in person rather than online. I’m starting to wear eye makeup again, after being depressed for a year and a half all the crying made it difficult to wear eye makeup.

August 19th: 
Last day with Science Lesbians. My birth giver picked me up that night. She had returned from her vacation of 3 countries in Europe. I had a wonderful time with Science Lesbians and their families, and world leaders. Plus my bonding cuddles with Bear and last days of Bleu’s life.

Pictures or it didn’t happen:

Proof of my great skills at Bananagrams.
Blueberry pickin
Science Lesbian’s brother made some knife art
Collage of World Leaders I met (Nora is missing a photo)




Posted in Life

Flashback Nightmares: Is This Real Life? Well, It Was.

I had another nightmare again. I woke up at 5am because I was finally able to break free from the grasp it had on me. Not even 15 minutes of Bobo cuddles could help the terror go away. I’m beginning to wonder if I have PTSD over this. I mean I already have PTSD from my childhood, but is it possible that I have it over what’s causing my nightmares? I’ve been having two sets of nightmares, one set is about my older sibling, who is dead to me. The other is about panic attacks while working on register. I’ve been having the same kind of nightmares about working on register at my former job since I quit at the end of February. It starts out about the same, I go in and visit former coworkers, only to end up being told to get on register because I’m late for my shift. After telling the manager that I no longer work there so no I’m not going on register I end up being on register because that’s how nightmares work. The line of hangry customers is out the door and I’m having trouble focusing on the customer I’m with. When it comes to counting back change I’m having so much difficulty that I’m looking at the $7 wondering if it’s really $7. I mean there’s a five dollar bill and two one’s but it doesn’t look like $7. The panic attack comes soon after that. The feel is so real, I’m pretty sure I’m thrashing on my bed, when I’m able to wake up I’m sweaty with a pounding heart. It takes at least over a hour to get my heartbeat to calm down.

It sucks, because this nightmare is a flashback. Well not the first part, but being on register only to have a panic attack soon after is. I would experience that for a year and half. When I go shopping I’ll almost always use my card over cash. Cash causes too much anxiety.

I still try to keep up the positive attitude on life. 2016 has been great for me despite the all the nightmares, which makes me afraid to sleep. I miss having insomnia sometimes, I didn’t have nightmares then. I mean sure my mood changed, because I wasn’t sleeping, but no nightmares….then again I was working on register at that time, so my nightmares were a day time activity.

I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks from my childhood too. Not the good kinds either. I have daddy issues, among other issues. So the abusive flashbacks are another thing that have the need to come forth. After years of pushing them away not wanting to deal with them, I think it’s time to finally talk about it with my therapist. Shit it’s going to be difficult. There will be tears. I will be snot nosed from all the tears. I’m not looking forward to it.


Posted in Life, Lists

Science Lesbians’ World Leaders Have Blessed my bed.

Me: I should write a blog post.
Also Me: *falls asleep for 4 hours because I need to recharge from social anxiety*

I’m currently visiting Science Lesbians, it’s very exciting. Later today we’re going to Boston Comic Con for the day, I love webcomics, not a big movie fanatic…okay movies are boring. I mean why pay $9+ to watch something when I can watch the trailer on YouTube and pretty much figure it out? Plus I tend to lose interest fast in movies and tv shows. If I’m not captured within a few moments of the movie, I’m pretty much done. But I don’t want to walk out of the theater because I paid for the ticket, and I don’t want to ask for my money back because THAT WILL CAUSE SOCIAL ANXIETY!!! FUCK THAT NOISE. So I don’t watch movies. The last movie I saw was Finding Dory at the drive ins, which was an adorable movie despite the fact that the human I saw it with made me very uncomfortable. Pro tip: Saying “yes” when asked out will not make said human leave you alone…saying “yes” when you mean “no” never works out….I still tend to do it, because I hate making others disappointed, so I will say “yes” even though I can’t physically or mentally do something. Ughhh anxiety. Good News: I don’t have to deal with that human ever again.

I don’t know that much about the DC Universe or Marvel Universe, I mean I saw DeadPool, and some other movies. DeadPool was the only one that was hilarious as well as captivating my interest. Thor needs to chill, SpiderMan is only good for memes, Superman needs to calm down, I had a dream when I was in elementary school where Batman killed my family then locked me in a closet…so Batman is creepy. Webcomics however are great, I follow web comic artists, World Leaders, Suicide Girls, and some other humans on my Instagram.

Speaking of memories, I started writing down some past memories that have exploded to the front of my mind. I have memory blasts randomly, it’s great…until I also relive the emotions I had during that time, which means I will be pissed off about something that happened 10+ years ago. Fuck you Ms. Brady* or whatever you changed your name to…go suck a raw egg.

*4th & 5th teacher

Here’s said list of my memories:

  • In 7th grade I declared I would be a professional tattoo coloring in human. Which meant I would color inside the outlines of tattoos with sharpies. The idea sparked when I saw an outline of a cow on a camp counselor’s back. That was my first experience with a vegan. He was a douche canoe. Remembered 1/5/16 2:17am
  • I think my first memory is when I was in a van, my siblings and Birth Giver were singing  Mister Sun to me while holding up this sun plush that played the tune to Mister Sun. I really wanted them to shut up, but I couldn’t talk yet so I just scream cried at them. The sun puppet was in my face, but I was strapped in my car seat so I couldn’t hit the puppet away. Remembered 1/6/16
  • In 9th grade I pushed one of the boys who would harass me all the time, off a railing. He wouldn’t stop, none of the teachers was doing anything about it, he was in my study hall class! So I took matters into my own hands. I should mention that I had gone of my medication around this time
    “Keely, we’re in the same class so we should be best friends.” The study hall was in the auditorium, so the railing was more of to separate the Tech Lighting from the audience…so not a big drop from the floor.
    “You’re totally right, we should be best friends.”
    “Wait what.”
    “You go tell everyone this.” With that I pushed him off the railing, which he was sitting on. By catching him off guard I was able to make my move. He had a cast on his leg, but I’m positive he was faking it. The study hall teacher told him to get up off the floor. Remembered 1/13/16
  • In the 3rd grade I dropped my baseball bat down a sewer drain because I was curious if it would fit in the holes. It did. I accidentally dropped it. Instant panic! My bat was gone! I actually didn’t want to go to practice, so I was stalling, but I didn’t think the bat would actually go down into the sewer! Luckily someone’s aunt had all these hiking accessories, so with bungie cords and skills she rescued my bat. I was sent to baseball practice while my bat was being rescued. What was I doing while my bat was being rescued? Screaming in the corner. Remembered 4/13/16

Because I haven’t updated in a while, instead of making 2 posts right after the other, I’m just going to make a double post. There’s really no such thing as a double post for me, since my thoughts jump around all the time, even when I’m having conversations with friends…text messages tend to jump around too.

When I’m alone having conversations with the voices/characters in my head I often wonder if other humans have the same thoughts.

Do you ever________, or is that just me?

  1. Do you ever have conversations with yourself, act out made up scenarios that will never happen in order to be ready for what to say just in case, or is that just me?
  2. Do you ever lose track of time because you were just looking at the wall, or is that just me?
  3. Do you ever slowly read books so you can savor everything because once you finish it there’s no more, or is that just me?
  4. Do you ever feel like Cinderella when mopping floors, then criticize her for going out with a curfew when she could’ve just stayed inside to watch porn without headphones, or is that just me?
  5. Do you ever swipe right on tinder when you see a cat picture, or is that just me? (I haven’t met a douche canoe that has a cat….cat’s are amazing, which is why they’re our World Leaders…duh.)
  6. Do you ever feel like a bunny when eating carrots, or is that just me?
  7. Do you ever feel like a cat when eating fish or is that just me?
  8. Do you ever look at a cute couple and hope them the best, or is that just me?

I have asked Stranger Danger some of these…his response each time “Just you.”

That’s all I feel like writing now…



Posted in Life

I’m trying to ignore said elephant, it’s difficult.

Despite me wanting to curl up to bawl my eyes out feeling the wave of “oh shit” moments hit me in the face I don’t think I deserve to feel this way. I’ve worked too damn hard to be in good spirits to have this wave hit me knocking me down into a depressed mushy potato. I had a good day today, except for one little hiccup, which of course Scott took over and ran every possible worst case scenario in my head. Fuck Scott. Why does he have to do this to me? Scott being my anxiety, for those who are confused. My anxiety named itself, which only makes sense seeing as I name everything else. I have a Rock Band, they recently went on tour. (I moved them from one side of my room to the other)

Today I adopted a bear. His name is Bun Bun and he’s a gay leather daddy. Except he doesn’t have any leather…yet! I get to visit Science Lesbians soon! So Bun Bun might be able to receive leather, I have to write down his measurements first.

Writing this post is counteracting that I still want to bury my face in Bun Bun’s leg and cry. (I still might end up doing this) I still feel like this is punishment for holding into my feelings, not acknowledging them, for the fear of being hurt. I’m very good at ignoring the elephant in the room, I understand that its there, I just don’t want to deal with it. So yes, I’m ignoring it. I do this with my feelings towards certain humans because I don’t want to mess things up. I don’t want this burden of not being able to hold a friendship because I get attached to the jokes, to the comfort, to the understanding. It’s hard to let go of friends because I did something stupid to terminate the friendship…well looking back all the reasons for terminating most of my friendships is because of valid reasons. One time in particular was because I chose the shopping cart over someone, which yes it was stupid, yes I wish I could have a redo, but too much time has passed and I don’t deserve the forgiveness. Where was I going with this?




I really wish that I knew what to do with my life. I’m terrified of looking for a job, I’m at the “now what?” stage. Class ended a couple weeks ago, every time I look through the newspaper for jobs I have so much anxiety I just want to cry. I see places that say they want someone who is experienced for a full time, fast paced job. Is it just an American thing where cafes need to have everything be fast? I rather have a coffee where a barista takes their time to make it be delicious, rather than a barista who rushes to get a drink done within a couple minutes for a deadline, making a mess of powders or coffee beans as they scoop, dump, pour products into a cup. Perhaps it’s just my anxiety but seeing a mess of counters says more about wanting to rush an order rather than making sure it’s right. Why does everything need to be rushed? When rushes happen stress happens. Stress causes break downs.

“It’s complicated.” What does that even mean?


This is my Rock Band. Kk the llama rock, Bob the Boulder, Peaches, Shit Nugget, Melvin, Squire Spud, Petunia, and King Momo. Lucifer aka Luci has recently been added, a photo with her has not been taken yet. The surfer duck is their manager and the unicorn is their number 1 fan. The troll behind the unicorn is a creeper, hence being a troll.


The caption for this one: “How single am I? Well I’m hugging a teddy bear in Costco…sooooo”13876472_1454673554558255_8339368498811715364_n

Here I am with Bun Bun. This picture shows how Bun Bun makes a great pillow. Also my chest pillows are ginormous in this picture…and in real life. No wonder I have back pain. Shit look at the size of those unwanted things!


P.S. If the radio could stop playing *those* songs that would be great. Current song? You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift. I love TSwift, just not when her songs hit me in the feels.

Posted in Life

Being Anxious Should Subtract Calories

I suppose it’s a good thing I don’t have deadlines for blog posts. That would suck, because then I would be fired, since they wouldn’t be on time…ever. I’d be like Shigure from Fruits Basket if I had a publisher, make her cry with my shenanigans. Lots of updates coming this way, well it feels like a lot in my mind, I’m not sure if it is actually a lot. I need to release some thoughts and free up some space. Perhaps this way I won’t be so stressed….haha just kidding, I have anxiety there’s always going to be something for me to worry about unfortunately. “Think about something else” if you tell me that, you better have something for me to think about, plus be ready for me to put all my thoughts on that said subject. “worry about yourself” is another phrase that sucks, because then the doors of worrying about mental health issues open up, I’ll be holding back tears trying to fight the wave of memories.

I write excellent beginning paragraphs.

A week ago I graduated from CKA!!! It was very exciting, I’m not sad surprisingly. I knew I was ready, I’m very proud of myself. I went through a lot to finish this class: 1 concussion, 1 trip to the ER, 2 flesh wounds, 1 burn, handful of anxiety attacks, a couple of screams to release stress build ups, doing nothing to refill my energy, and lots of positive self talk so I wouldn’t let myself down. On August 8th-19th I’m going to visit the Science Lesbians! So when I come back I will start looking for jobs. Plus this way I can relax without being too anxious about starting a job then going on vacation for 11 days or so.

I don’t miss the unnecessary drama that was caused towards the middle of the class. Why do humans have to cause drama with me? I try my best to stay away from drama, which explains why I never know the gossip at my former workplaces, I have enough issues in my life I don’t need to have the stress of some pathetic human saying I hit on them because I turned them down when I was asked to go on a date with them. Fuck that noise. I can’t flirt, so to be told that I apparently hit on someone was news to me…and not the exciting kind. However to be told by my classmates that they are on my side was extremely helpful. Knowing that, I didn’t care what this human scum tried with me next. I stayed professional near her, while I continued on with my life to succeed.


I had this epiphany last week, are my anxiety attacks getting worse the older I get or have they always been this way? Then I realized that I’ve always had anxiety attacks, my family just didn’t know what they were, they called them temper tantrums. They weren’t though. I was having extreme anxiety attacks. However since no one knew what theses attacks/outbursts were, they weren’t handled like they are now.

I remember going to a science center in NH (when I was 5 maybe) with my grandparents and a sibling. One of the exhibits that I went into was set up for small humans to see how a small rodent of some kind lives. So there was a tunnel that was under the floor for small humans to crawl through, and secret compartments for hands to go and guess what was being touched. To get to said tunnel, you had to climb down a short ladder. I went down and almost instantly began to cry, there was little to no light; I’m not a fan of being in the dark (which is still one of my fears now) so I was scared. Little humans when they cry aren’t soft whimpers, no they’re full on screams. So that’s pretty much what I did. I couldn’t bring myself to climb back up the ladder back to “safety” I was paralyzed in fear. I remember my sibling telling me I had to climb back up, my grandfather was extremely embarrassed for the scene I was creating. Obviously I was able to get out, I don’t remember how, but I very vividly remember that I made my grandfather extremely embarrassed. Years later that story was talked about how my grandfather was upset that I did that. Whenever I heard that story with that commentary added on, I would stay quiet I felt so guilty. I couldn’t control my outbursts when I was a small tot, they would just happen.

Another time was when I was at a sleep away camp. The counselors told the older campers that we were going to go and pick up the trash around the camp. We were instructed to wear clothes we didn’t care about that much. I was the only one excited to pick up trash, everyone else was complaining. We were also told to take off any jewelry that we had on. I questioned that because why should we take off jewelry to go pick up trash? I still took off my 30+ rubber bracelets and put them somewhere safe in my cabin. Turns out that picking up trash was a cover story for actually going to the sports field to throw a flour and water mixture at each other. I was so upset! I really wanted to pick up trash, but instead there was going to be a sticky, messy, wasteful food fight on the sports field?! I think I exclaimed “wait we were lied to?!” then ended up asking if I could sit this one out. When we got back to our cabins, all of the girls went to take showers to get rid of the flour/water clumps covering their bodies. Since I did not participate with that disgusting and wasteful activity I went to put my bracelets back on my wrist. I hid them in a very “safe” place because I couldn’t find them at first. They were not where I thought I put them, they weren’t in the second place I thought they were either. Or the third place! I started hyperventilating while yelling “where are my bracelets?” One of my counselors came over to me trying to calm me down, she told me to lay down along with “everything is okay.” (That is one of the worst things to tell me when I’m having an anxiety attack, I tend to escalate even more) She told everyone in my cabin to give me space, she also instructed another girl to go wet a washcloth with cool water for my forehead. Someone found my bracelets which were on the top of the pile of dirty clothes in my hanging laundry bag. I was able to put them back on and slowly calm down after that. This episode was never spoke about again during my time at camp.

Those are the 2 main memories I have that I realized that I’ve always been having anxiety attacks, I just didn’t know at the time that they were anxiety attacks. Perhaps my life would be a little different if I knew earlier in life that I have Trisomy X/Autism. Then again, it probably wouldn’t.

Whenever I have anxiety attacks I always try to hide myself, I don’t want to seem like a burden to others, I don’t want to have humans be embarrassed to be seen with me while I have these anxiety attacks. Luckily I now am able to easily bounce back to be alright again, but that underlining guilt is always with me.

Anxiety fucking sucks, however it’s good to keep around when I experience my anger attacks. Since my anxiety manages to stop me from doing whatever it is when I’m angry. Well when I’m medicated I have more control to not give in to the anger. I still have the extreme guilt for throwing a dish rack at a former coworker because of an anger attack which I wasn’t able to control. That was one of the big moments that I knew I had to leave my former job. I still don’t like going over there much because of all the guilt. Plus the cartoon boogey monster that basically talk about keeping employees. When I was giving my 2 weeks notice the cartoon boogey monster were being taped on top of the oven. This of course stalled my 2 weeks noticed being sent, the overwhelming guilt that clouded me whenever I would walk by said picture had me debating if I could send my notice or not. I cried myself to sleep over this guilt for a couple nights, until I couldn’t take it anymore. Why were these pictures and charts placed where all the employees could see it is something I never could figure out. I sometimes wonder if I should walk over to my former job to bring noms for former coworkers, but the extreme guilt of daily anxiety attacks while on register, throwing a dish rack at a former coworker, being asked “where’s my bread” every time I saw one coworker, it gets too much. I end up having to sit down to calm down my heavy breathing.


Posted in Life


Drugs are pretty great I suppose. I’m still not a fan of being a pill popper, but if by doing so keeps me from crying 24/7, I support antidepressants. However forcing me to take pills is not the way to go, ditching me until I go back on medication is not the way to go about friendship with me.

I’m back on Facebook, I did try to stay away..but I missed seeing pictures from my human friends. Curse you FOMO. I was scrolling through snapchat stories from BuzzFeed the other day, when I stopped to say aloud “Why am I reading this? I don’t care about celebrity lives. Where are the fun recipes or DIY ideas? BuzzFeed you need rehab.”

On July 13th I wrote down some fabulous WOWBKs:

  • When nervous during an interview, at a point of words not flowing. Say “Sorry, the caffeine hasn’t quite kicked in yet.” Collect your thoughts then continue.
  • If you lie to me, you’re cut off from Basic White Bitch Treats of Nom.
  • I saw the cutest brown squirrel the other day. When I walked closer I realized it was a brown plastic bag. It’s obvious that I have the Sight. The faeries gave it to me before they switched me out…#changelingproblems
  • I am so grateful for Pokemon Go. Finally I can have massive anxiety in public and not worry about the stares. I can just blame it on the app.

As a Potato with extreme anxiety I have extreme difficulty saying no to humans. So I say what humans want to hear, it doesn’t work out great because I end up crying in a corner from pushing myself to breaking point. I decided to test out saying “no” for a week. The results were interesting, after the first couple anxiety waves rushing through my entire body, I felt this unusual power. I didn’t exactly say “no” but I implied it. (“That’s nice” “uh huh.” “Why can’t you walk the 2 steps and throw out your own fork?”) I was told by classmates that I was very sassy, they all loved it. I was told to keep it up, my sass gave them life…or something.


I call this photo “Today I learned what shallots are, they’re part of the onion family.” I had a classmate take this photo I am in the background with cold paper towels on my eyes.

I graduate on Tuesday July 19th at 1pm! I’m ready. I’m going to just starfish a lot to catch up on energy. I will not miss the full time hours of this class. High stress had me screaming a bunch of times to let it out. I mean I waited until I was in the safety of my bubble (bedroom) before I released my inner screams, then promptly passed the fuck out. Anxiety is exhausting. Unfortunately I did still have anxiety attacks at class, I would run to the bathroom and hide there. That fight or flight response is great for me because I flee to safety, then I fight the anxiety. I go both ways..ha.