Posted in Life

Mental Illness Up For Grabs

Can I just give someone my depression? Or rather all of my mental illness issues? I don’t want them anymore….well I never wanted them to begin with. What middle schooler decides ‘know what would be great to add to everything new and confusing I’m dealing with? Mental illness! Sign me up for that shit!’ If there is a small human who actually says that, please introduce them to me, so I can inject all my years of mental illness issues into that small shell of a robot….I would like to have a robotic arm in exchange. Can you imagine all the wicked cool Inspector Gadget things I could do?! Inspector Gadget was so much better than Sabrina the Teenage Witch…perhaps this is why I support robots so much? I mean robots are going to take over the world one day, I rather be on their good side. So random lady who paid with her phone on apple pay at panera bread, then complained at me for saying “robots will take over one day, are you ready?” you are probably going to be the first to be on the robots’ bad side.

That was a great way to start off this post. Perfect example how my mind works. Be upset with one thing, remember something great, followed by a memory that pissed me off…then smirk to myself in an empty room, because I’m ridiculous sometimes.

Onward to the main reason for writing this post.

I was talking to my therapist about how I believe one of the reasons I was in an abusive relationship to the point of getting pimp’d out, sexually molested, blaming myself then next day, having a panic attack in public, then getting matching tattoos with said guy who pimp’d me out… has to do with the people I surrounded myself with. I was close friends with 2 humans who weren’t the best humans to be around with all the time. I’ve mentioned them a couple times in past posts. The Testicle mainly is who was a horrible friend to me, if you can even call her a friend. She would say some of the nastiest things to me, but follow it up with “I say this because I care about you.” Her “friendship” got to the point where I would ask coworkers to insult me, because the words I was saying to myself over and over again, weren’t strong enough because I grew so used to them. Most of my coworkers would actually compliment me, but at the time I wouldn’t accept it, now thankfully I am grateful to those humans.

2015 was a tough year for me, I don’t remember any of it. I kind of remember bits and pieces, but not enough for me to say what happened each month. I’ll remember something, but it didn’t happen that year, it might have happened at the end of 2014, or the being of 2016. I never understood how humans can go black out drunk all the time, I blacked out for a year due to mental illness, looking back it’s one of the scariest events that happened to me.

When I dropped out of college in 2012, I deleted so many friends off my Facebook, because I was extremely ashamed of myself, I couldn’t graduate college, I was letting so many humans down. I felt useless, scared, and judged. Good thing I had The Testicle to be there for me continuing to make me feel worse by adding to the list of negatives. She told me I could only have cheese once a week. It got to the point where she was telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. So I ditched our friendship and never looked back. I chose cheese over her and it was one of the best things I’ve done for myself. It’s probably up there with dropping out of college. I’m glad I dropped out of college when I did, because I was miserable when I wasn’t with my friends, in anime club, or following the albino squirrel on campus taking pictures, thus being late for one of my classes. It was probably math class… albino squirrels > math classes.

I’ve recently started adding back former classmates from high school, those who I was close to then. In the hopes that maybe we’ll become close again? I realize it might not happen, but I figured I would try anyway.

I want to apologize to the humans I’m recently adding back into my life, I’m sorry for the way I acted in high school and middle school. I had just been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. If it’s something you can just forgive and forget about, I’m slightly jealous, I wish I had that super power, instead I constantly remember events that happened in elementary school through high school. I can’t do anything to help my past self, so of course that gives me a whoosh of depression.

To the humans who stuck up for me I thank you every day, even if it was something little, that they didn’t think meant anything. In elementary school I was being bullied for my weight, because of course I was. I remember one of the popular girls told me to stick my hands out, she told the bully to stick his hands out. “Shut up Charlie. Keely’s fingers are thinner than yours!” Charlie ended up mumbling something and walking away, the other girl did too, but I was so shocked that she would do that for me. She earned so much respect from me that day, and honestly I still give her so much respect. I looked up to her in the sense of her bravery and confidence, because height wise, I was the tallest in the class.

Another example was during a fire drill, my anxiety was skyrocketing, since fire drills did that to me all the time, I would be anxious to go to the bathroom because what would I do during a fire drill? Where would I go? I also didn’t want to miss anything in class, because there was never a good time to ask to go to the bathroom.
All the classes were lined up on the turf field when I hear the phrase “penis” be thrown out into the wind. The penis game was starting. Another human yelled “penis” soon a group of boys were seeing who could scream the phrase “penis” the loudest. Ryan Rahmati won that round. So thank you Ryan for making my anxiety decrease during that fire drill. I’ll never get to thank him in person for that. I missed my chance for that. I did tell his mom, which made her laugh so I’m glad I was able to pass that memory to her for when she needed a laugh. Ryan was one of the good guys, he never bullied me, which obviously earned him so much respect. My body was instantly numb when Birth Giver informed me of Ryan’s passing, I wasn’t fully present at work, I couldn’t walk over the 2 houses to his memorial at his parents’ house. I was able to give his family some coffee cake and espresso brownies that I had made, I walked those over a couple days after. My anxiety makes being in large crowds difficult, thankfully his mom understood. I wished it was Charlie who died instead, whenever I saw Ryan in passing on the bus, he looked so happy, I was proud for him. Rest in Peace Ryan Rahmati.

~SirChangeling

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Posted in Life

The Creeper’s Handbook aka This isn’t a Phase, Karen!

Everyone keeps asking, “why do you call yourself Potato?” There are lots of reasons, each new human I meet gets a different answer. My favorite reasons are: 1) I have too many chromosomes 2) I feel connected to Potato memes on Google. 3) Potatoes are awesome.

I was talking to Ginja last month about how I wrote a college final essay titled “The Creeper’s Handbook” I asked him for his email so I could send it to him to read, but he’s all “I’m very private, no one knows my email. Blah blah blah.” Psh typical. I was going to print it out for him to read, but then I had a better idea: I’ll put it on my blog.

I’m very awkward with crippling anxiety, still waiting for this phase to be over, but apparently this is my life meow. So why not add to the social awkward by putting an awkward essay on the internet.

Things to remember while reading:

  • Final Essay for a College class
  • My major was Creative Writing
  • I read some of this aloud to my class of 10 students
  • This is the only essay that I saved from my time in college.

December 7, 2011
WRT 250
Final Essay Portfolio
The Creeper’s Handbook

I’m sitting in my room with my two best friends, when suddenly my stomach rumbles, I look at the time, 8:30pm the dining hall has been closed for an hour, so the only options to go get something to eat are the Lodge or Hannaford’s, but since we don’t want to go drive to Hannaford’s at this time, we walk over to the Lodge and grab a sampler for the three of us to munch on. As we are walking over we can see that the moon is bright and full tonight. The weather isn’t that bad either, some snow on the ground, but most of it is melting, which I am so thankful for, since I don’t like the snow one bit. Or the cold that comes with it. Once we get inside of the Lodge we go order our food and pick out our drinks then go and sit down in the middle of the room, on those green comfy chairs. One of my friends mention that you are here tonight, I don’t see you right away, even though you are in my line of vision, sitting directly across from me. After a moment or two of me looking everywhere, I find you. I’m not going to wave at you because we’re not close at all, I’m more of the girl who just likes looking at you because you’re what I consider “eye candy.” I mention to my friends that I really want your picture, but I don’t think you will let me, so I’m going to take out my camera phone and take a picture that way, without you knowing about it. I look over to my left at one of my friends who is laughing at what I am doing, my friend on my right has her face in her hands, and we’re not being obvious at all. I pull out my phone with the camera in it and point out loudly that there is this text message that I just have to show my friends. I start pressing buttons, turning my phone on to vibrate, so that it won’t make that noise that says, “look here!” when I press the OK button to take the picture, and start setting the camera up. I start zooming in and I just about got the side of your face when you turn your head and I press the button, at the same time. My friends and I start cracking up laughing so hard, I look at my phone and I see your eyes staring right at me, it’s a good picture if I do say so myself. I don’t usually get such a great picture on the first try of the night, but I guess when you’ve been in the business as long as I have (about a year) you get better and better. I’m probably not going to keep this picture for more than a month, but the memory will be with me forever. I’m a full time student, but part time creeper.

The term creeper is slang for an eerie or weird person. There are a bunch of different definitions for the word creeper on Urban Dictionary, one of them being “a person who does weird things, such as staring at you for hours through a window. Usually a close friend or relative. You know right away if this person is a creeper or does creeper things, it’s not hard to spot a creeper.” Another definition of the word creeper is, “someone who views your profile multiple times without saying anything.” The second one is more of a definition for an online creeper, whereas the first definition is for a real life creeper. I guess I could put myself into both of those categories because when it comes to creeping on the Internet, I can honestly admit that if I’m on Facebook and you have your settings so that people can view your pictures, I will be one of those creepers that will look through all your pictures. As for some of the things that I do in real life creeping all I do is take pictures of random people that I find attractive. I don’t use a really high tech camera like some people would do; no I use my phone with a built in camera.

The term stalker has also has a lot of different meanings, Urban Dictionary has one definition being: a person obsessed with another to the point of insanity. Following one everywhere, calling constantly, not following restraining orders, collecting their hair in shower drains. Then another definition from Urban Dictionary is: real stalkers seek out beautiful, interesting, and often famous members of the attractive gender. I am not a stalker, and there is a difference between the two terms. Creeper is what I consider a very toned down version of Stalker, more like a kid friendly edition. Stalkers on the other hand are the people you want to watch out for. I’m not a stalker because stalking would be taking the creeping to the top and actually following the person everywhere, taking pictures of the person all the time, and giving them attention that they don’t want. For me creeping is just some fun game I like to do when I’m bored and I want to entertain myself. Sure I take pictures, but it’s not with over the top, when I do take these pictures it’s always with my phone with the built in camera. I also don’t have a shrine dedicated to these people that I take pictures of. That is just weird, even for me. I’m not the paparazzi or anything like that; I’m just a student with a little extra time on her hands.

I can guarantee that the word creeper is in every middle school student through college students’ vocabulary, and most of them use it in an everyday sentence. The group The Lonely Island probably has something to do with that, with one of their hit songs The Creep. The song is basically talking about how to creep on people and when to do it. One stanza of the song describes how to look like a creep: Well we got a new dance, so get up on your feet/It’s real easy to do and it’s called the creep/Let your hands flop round like a marionette/Pop your knees up and down shaking your neck/Now pull your waistband up like you expecting a flood/And stick your hair down flat like it was covered in mud/Trim up your pencil mustache and pop them peepers/Put this in your speakers, you a certified creeper. The very last line of the song is, “don’t forget to smile.” For me I personally like this song, because I find it hilarious, and I know that all of The Lonely Island’s songs are joke songs, they make fun of people and things, creepers are one of those things to make fun of. The band Radiohead also has a song about being a creeper, their song is called Creep and the chorus of the song is this: But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo. /What the hell am I doing here? /I don’t belong here. Although these songs are both about creepers, they are both also very different. Creep by Radiohead was released in 1992, and then nineteen years later The Creep by The Lonely Island was released.

The first time I ever creeped on someone was in college. Before that I was just a random person, who didn’t even think about creeping on people like I do now with my friends. There was this time in the 8th grade, where my science class had to write procedure piece essays, it could be on any “How to” essay we wanted it to be on. I had forgotten to bring in my essay that day to work on it in class, so I started a new one, well a fake one. It was something I could do that day and be productive at the same time, or so I thought. My title was “How to Become a Stalker” my teacher thought that it wasn’t appropriate and took it away before I got half a page done. I however, thought it was funny and entertaining, and I was technically following the directions to the assignment. I had the materials and then the first line of the procedure part. From what I remember the materials were these: binoculars, notebooks, writing implements, and most importantly a camera. For the first sentence of the procedure part it went along these lines, keep well hidden in the presence of your prey. I never finished writing that, I guess even I thought it was something too stupid to continue.

I remember the first time I ever creeped on someone was the fall semester of my freshman year of college. I was in the Lodge with one of my friends, and I noticed this sophomore guy who I thought was really attractive, my friend told me who he was, and for some odd reason I really wanted to have his picture on my phone. So I was thinking about how I was going to go on about doing this, when my friend said, “you know Keely, you could just pretend to show me something on your phone and then take the picture of him instead.” While my friend was saying this she was being sarcastic and laughing. Even though I knew this, I thought it was a great idea and did exactly what she told me, through a step-by-step process. When I finally got the picture I noticed two things wrong with the picture. 1) His back was turned to the camera, so I just got the back of his head. 2) His friend was staring directly into the camera. Which was really intimidating, so I deleted that picture, just as I was about to take another picture, he got up with his friends and left. That picture was just the beginning. Soon after I would begin bringing my camera to the dining hall and take pictures of people, sometimes I would forget that the flash was on. Next thing I would know, people would be staring in my direction with a confused, surprised, shocked look on their faces. At first I wouldn’t understand why this was, but then it dawned on me, most people don’t like having random candid pictures of them being taken as they’re eating. 

There are both pleasures and dangers of creeping. I’ll start with the dangers first, so you know what to watch out for.  One of the most dangerous things about creeping, is if you get caught you have to come up with a reason of why you were doing what you were doing. An example scene would be something such as: I see you across the quad, I’m near Ware, and you are by McKean Hall, thankfully none of your friends are with you. I’m glad because the group of you, you’re all just so intimidating. I want to get closer to you but there is a mass amount of open space and nowhere for me to hide, because I’m obviously not going to just walk up to you like a normal person would, no that’s just not how I function. I notice that you are walking towards Page Hall, I have to make my move, and it’s either now or never. I pretend that I got a new text message, look at my phone, sigh, turn around and start walking towards Sawyer Center. There’s a big, tall tree in the middle of both of us, I look behind me and make a dash for the tree, when I get there, and you start walking in a different direction. I get out my phone and switch it to the camera settings, the thing is though I forgot to turn the sound off, I don’t realize it until I take the picture and by then you are less than three feet away. I have no idea how you became that close to me, but you did. You hear the annoying, high-pitched voice that says. “Look here!” and you turn and are now facing me. You caught me red handed, I have the camera in my hands, lens facing you. I can think of only one option right now, and that is to run away. However you have something else in mind, you narrow your eyes and start closing the distance between us. Instead of running away, like I planned to do, I freeze up and shut my eyes, because if I can’t see you, then you can’t see me. “What are you doing?” You ask, and it’s those four words, which make me know, that I have been officially caught, I suppose there is a first time for everything, right?

That scene is just one of the many options that could happen, thankfully I have never been caught, as far as I know, I mean no one has ever come up to me and asked me, why I was taking their picture without their permission. Another danger than could happen, is that someone could mistake you for a stalker, and get a restraining order against you. That is much worse that having someone catch you taking a picture of him or her unexpectedly. 

I’ll end with the pleasures of creeping, because this essay should have a nice end to it. When I creep I’m usually with my friends, one of my friends said that we should have a name for the three of us, she came up with: The Creeper and the Creepettes. After she said this, all three of us started burst out laughing, this was because of a couple reasons. 1) We were all very giggly. 2) The name itself sounds ridiculous. I can imagine us with the color-coordinated shirts, and Creepette 1 and Creepette 2 written on my friends’ shirts, just like Thing 1 and Thing 2 for Dr. Seuss. We wouldn’t really walk around campus, like that. Honestly that sounds too ridiculous for even me. The pleasure about creeping with friends is that you can share all the memories together. You can joke about how it was funny that one time when you almost got caught, how you were so scared, but then something happened and you were able to get away safely, without someone noticing you. 

One of the pleasures that I remember doing is making a video with my friends. In spring of 2011 I joined an event on Facebook that was called National Hug a Tall Person Day. I went up to this one guy, in the dining hall, who was at least 6’ 2”, one of my friends calls him Tall Freak, because well he’s really tall. He was my first victim- I mean first person to ask if I could get a hug. When I walk up to him asking for a hug, only to get turned down. His reason? He’s not that tall. All this time my friends are recording me asking this guy is I could have a hug, at a nearby table. So my rejection is recorded on camera, and is also on YouTube, because I thought another way to remember these hilarious times is to put them on the Internet. 

I suppose I need to come up with new ways of creeping, since I explained every last one of them right here in this essay. However I don’t creep on unsuspecting people a lot, in fact I don’t remember the last time I creeped on a person. That’s how long it has been since I whipped my camera phone out and started taking pictures of people. I hope you found this paper interesting, and remember the golden rule it’s all fun and games, until someone gets caught, then it hilarious….Unless it is you, which in that case it is not funny at all.

~SirChangeling

Posted in Life

Meet the Members of my Rock Band!

There seems to be a confusion about my Rock Band. They aren’t a band in the sense that they play instruments or sing, they’re a band as in they band together. My rocks are there for each other and me. Each time I pick up a rock I needed to find it for some reason. I’ve had friends help name my rocks as a way to help me keep connected.

1 .Bob the Boulder: It was late fall 2015, I don’t remember 2015 that great. 2015 was as if my mind was on pause, so my body just operated on its own. I think I had so much shit happen to me in 2014, that I had to block out 2015 so I wouldn’t have more shit piled on. The last 6 months of 2014 I had multiple humans abandon me during the time I needed them the most, these were human who I thought were my friends. I realize now it was for the best, unfortunately I wasn’t able to realize this sooner. During fall 2015 I was at my worst, my closest friends lived states away, I couldn’t open my door to greet SMiFF like in college. Every time I walked to work I would pass this rock on the side of the road, I would give it that head nod, the ones that humans give to each other as a greeting. You know the one that doesn’t involve talking, aka the best kind of greeting. One day before leaving Potato Manor I grabbed a reusable cloth bag, when I walked up to Bob I picked it up and put it inside my bag. Bob ended up being half covered in dirt. So basically I dug up a huge rock before going to work. When I walked into the cafe I remember Ms. Rapture asking me what was weighing down my bag I had draped over my arm. I told her I found a new friend in the form of a rock. I texted Science Lesbian asking for rock puns, she delivered with Bob the Boulder along with a few other options. My former coworkers agreed Bob the Boulder was the best name.

2. Kk the llama Rock: Stranger Danger texts “K” to me all the time. Yes, he’s one of those humans who texts me pictures of decapitated bodies. (OK looks like a sideways stick figure) I texted him asking to name my pet rock, he responded with “Kk” I responded with “Ll” because our conversations are amazing. Llama was the first word to come to mind that started with “Ll” According to Stranger Danger I named Kk the Llama Rock in homage to him, since he had no part in naming my rock.

3. Squire Spud: This one is in the shape of a potato. I’m Sir-Changeling aka Potato, so of course I have a squire! A friend named this one for me.

4. Peaches: Birth Giver found this rock on one of her hikes. She suggested I name it Crystal because of the way it looked. That was such a generic name, I asked SMiFF who informed me the name Peaches was better.

5. Melvin: This rock showed itself to me when I was leaving the Lake House aka my grandparents’ summer home. Melvin Village, New Hampshire on Lake Winnipesaukee is the location of the Lake House. I never refer to the Lake House as my second home, it has always been my grandparents’ summer home, saying that it’s my second home never felt right to say. In my dreams the Lake House always appears as a safety base right before a nightmare starts.

6. Shit Nugget: I was walking to meet Birth Giver at a gas station so she could then drive me back to Potato Manor. (This was during when I was in CKA, the sous chef would be making up lies to stir up unnecessary drama in the class. Which gave me unnecessary panic attacks that resulted to locking myself in a bathroom trying to calm down enough to get through the day.) I was angrily stomping my way to the gas station, I was upset that this disgusting human was able to get to me this much. I found a rock at the same moment I shouted “She’s such a shit nugget!” I then squeezed my rage into said rock, my anger was able to go through me into the vessel of a rock. With the help of my classmates and Chef I was able to succeed in blocking out her drama. Having my Chef say “it’s okay to say no” was a huge relief for me. I never told the sous chef “no” but I said it in a different way, which apparently was me sassing her in a way that made her livid. My classmates told me to keep on sassing this human, since it gave them life. Shit Nugget is that reminder that I won’t let some disgusting human get me down.

7. King Momo: I had this rock that was without a name, so I posted on Facebook that I needed a name for a rock, in exchange I would send noms to the winner. A friend I’ve known since Elementary School provided the name “King Momo” she also told me to look up the meaning behind the name.

8. Petunia: While visiting my brother’s girlfriend’s parents on a mini vacation with Birth Giver we were tourists at Plymouth Rock. Along the shops in the area there was a small one with Harry Potter merchandise. I found a rock outside the shop, deciding to name it Petunia rather than Plymouth (the name that was suggested).

9. Lucifer aka Luci: On my way to bother…uh I mean drop off noms, visit former coworkers, and try to free the major guilt that was associated with my former work place. I found a rock. I gave my 2 weeks notice in late February 2016, however I wasn’t able to free my guilty conscious from the flashbacks until January 2017. Flashbacks of having to leave all the time because of anxiety attacks from register trauma. End 2014 to early 2015 not only was I severely depressed, but I was terrified of an assistant manger who worked there. I couldn’t work the closing shifts on Mondays, because the fear this assistant manager gave me was so strong. I was convinced he would kill me from the day I met him. Saying this out loud seemed so ridiculous I kept it bottled up.

Whenever I had to work a shift I would prep myself 2 hours before leaving Potato Manor. Of course even then I wasn’t able to complete my shift, I would get to work act like I got this, last about 2 hours, end up having to flee from register because I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I never really forgave myself for letting down coworkers as well as the other managers who thought they could count on me. I would mentally beat myself up about this night after night. At one point after holding in 5+ hours worth of anxiety this assistant manager told me “we don’t need you anymore” before taking my register drawer to go count it in the office. I broke down in front of everyone. I somehow was able to tell the head manager that I needed to leave right then. I couldn’t look him in the eye as I told him this. I was so broken from such extreme mental issues.

I kept hoping the flashbacks would stop once that assistant manager left. Obviously that didn’t happen, instead increased panic attacks happened. I thought about leaving to find a different job, but whenever I would look at job ads I would have so much anxiety that I could never click on the job description. When I finally was able to leave the job I had the most guilt from the feel like I was abandoning everyone who counted on me. Especially the head manger. I never really felt as though I deserved the amount of respect he gave me. I stayed as long as I did because I couldn’t bring myself to leave, I felt as though I owed him so much for all he did for me. That’s a weird sentence, I feel I owe a person for treating me with respect.

I would always bring noms as a peace offering to the Friendly’s Ghost in hopes that maybe I could be free from this fear. It took until January 2017 to be free from the traumatic flashbacks. I invited myself to a work meeting, I told humans it was for the free food, when really it was so I could soothe my guilty conscious. I skipped one of those work meetings in 2014 because of the insane amount of fear due to that one manager. Lucifer seemed like a good name for this rock, which is tiny by the way. This tiny rock which stands for so much fear I’ve gone through.

10. Tootie: I told Birth Giver that while at Goodwill I farted since another customer was getting too close to my personal space. My grandmother told me she taught me well. There was a rock near Birth Giver’s car as she picked me up that day.

11. Herbert: I dunno, I found it while shopping at outlet stores. I thought the name was odd, like my rock.

12. Stirling Hatred: SMiFF gave me the name as we were reminiscing inside jokes from college. I had a rock that needed a name, after a fit of giggles it was decided.

13. Francis
14. Reese
15. Malcolm
16. Dewey:
SMiFF loves Malcolm in the Middle I had 4 rocks which needed names.

17. Wanker: it’s fun to say…

18. Fredlicia: I walked into my former work place with noms as well as the announcement that I found a new rock, who needs a name. Fred was a name that was suggested, someone else told me to add “licia” to the end. Thus Fredlicia!

19. Global Warming: This one is in the shape of Vermont. Winter 2016-2017 has been crazy.

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Rock Band Members 1-18 in no order whatsoever.
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#19 Global Warming

~SirChangeling

Posted in Life

Oh…

When I was in middle school I would tell new friends that I was shy at first, but once I opened up more I was alright. I continued to say that through high school, some friends would chime in saying that I wasn’t shy whatsoever. I remember having this embarrassed feeling engulf me, but still manage to continue on with the conversation, despite the awkwardness inside my head.

ERMAHGERD IT WAS ANXIETY! I HAD EXTREME ANXIETY THEN I JUST DIDN’T KNOW THE WORD!

So I guess those humans were right with saying that I was not shy. I didn’t use the correct word to describe myself. I should’ve said “I have extreme anxiety, that will turn into crippling anxiety in the future.” I recently had the epiphany: ‘oh, I’ve always had anxiety. I just didn’t know it at the time.’ Along with the extreme anxiety meant the attacks that followed when too many emotions would happen at once, or I didn’t know how to deal with my anxiety so of course I would burst. I would always try to have my attacks at my house, rather than in public. Or a bathroom if I could find one. Which is odd because the feeling of being trapped is not one that I enjoy. So going to a bathroom hiding myself behind closed doors and walls probably isn’t the greatest coping skill. I say “isn’t” because I still do it.

I was told growing up that my anxiety attacks, panic attacks and anger attacks were all temper tantrums. So that’s what I would tell others that I had. I remember the looks I received back all made me seem as though I was pathetic. I bet if I changed the wording I wouldn’t have had those looks given to me. Which is stupid.

I don’t remember my first panic attack, but I do remember a bunch of them. The outcome of all of them were horrible. If I was around my Abuser whenever one would happen, I would get a hard smack across my face followed by yelling such as “STOP CRYING! IF YOU DON’T STOP CRYING I WILL SMACK YOU ACROSS YOUR FACE SO HARD YOUR NOSE WILL BLEED! THAT WILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!” The reason for that response was because I was upset that a science project didn’t work the way I wanted it to at home. When my cousin showed me how to do it, it went smoothly. So I slammed my hand on the wall and stomped away crying very upset. Only to have him follow me to my room and yell at me. Birth Giver didn’t do anything to stop him. Maybe that’s why I’m terrified to have panic attacks in front of others?

(Birth Giver asked me if I call him Sperm Donor, since she’s Birth Giver. I told her his name is Abuser)

I have to stop this post now, because I work at 7am today. It’s 5:33am currently so I need time to calm down the swirling flashback memories.

~SirChangeling

Posted in Life

Boobsie da Norwegian Forest Cat: Anxiety Healer

Yesterday I went to a Walmart for some shopping, I survived the holiday crazy. The mission to go there was because Boobsie needed a carrier, since on Tuesday he is going for a checkup at the vet. I succeeded with buying a carrier for my baby, despite having a massive headache due to the lack of caffeine. I didn’t have any coffee in the morning and it seems I’ve become addicted to caffeine…again. I suppose it’s one of those addictions that can’t be helped.

I read that I needed to slowly introduce Boobsie to his carrier, so that evening I tossed some treats onto the bedding for him to explore. I then tossed in a bag of catnip, and brought out the red dot. So Mr. Boobaloo could defeat that. After sitting at the end of my bed just staring into space, he decided that kneading my warm blanket (right out of the dryer) was a good time to fall asleep. Boobsie didn’t start out as my baby, but he claimed me as his owner, so now he is my baby. As I write this post, he is asleep in my arms…purring.

Winters are difficult for me, no motivation to do anything. I’ve been writing to do lists for myself everyday that have “Blog post?” written, but it’s difficult to even start writing. When I open up Google Chrome my home page is my blog, but finding the want to start typing seems impossible. I’m sleeping the whole day, but wide awake at night. During the night is also when I find flashbacks tend to show themselves on repeat. I can’t do anything about them since it’s from the past, so I just have to watch them go by. I can’t do anything to help my past self.

Last night I had another anxiety attack, from a flashback or upcoming event, I don’t remember which. I ended up deep breathing to help calm me down. That and petting Boobsie who turned around so his purring face was right up close and personal with mine. He was kneading my blanket, so his loud purrs helped calm me down. He really is my baby.

Fun Fact: I told Boobsie to bring me a squirrel after I let him out into the wilderness. The next day Birth Giver told me she found a decapitated squirrel in our front yard. I was told to stop requesting gifts from our cat, or else Birth Giver will put them in my room.

I usually don’t plan out what my blog posts are going to be about. I just let the words flow from my mind, down my arms through my fingers and onto the keypad of my laptop. Then boom there’s a blog post that has happened. So this one happened to be about how my Boobsie helps calm down my anxiety so of course I am going to work hard so my kitty has a better life.

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I tossed in some of his kitty treats so he could explore his new carrier.
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He just defeated the red dot.
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Staring off into space. I paused Salem on Netflix to be entertained by my kitty.
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Someone found where I keep his catnip and treats…

 

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He moved, making this picture blurry, but look how tall he is.
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Very Important Photo.

~SirChangeling

Posted in Life

When a baker misses a spot sweeping, I point it out…because I’m the assistant baker.

“How is molasses spelled?”
“M-o-l-asses.”
I recently got a job! I’m a baker’s assistant! This is a perfect job for me, I’m excited to go to work, and learn more about working in a bakery. For once I actually feel like I deserve getting paid for my job. It’s an unreal feeling, with my past 3 jobs I never felt like I deserved the paycheck. That could be because of my depression and other mental illness surprise box issues, but looking back I still don’t think I deserved getting the money for the jobs. I put a lot of hard work into my jobs, but I never felt noticed enough for the hard work….probably because of severe depression…

Today marks that I have had my blog for a year! It’s a nice accomplishment, I never thought that I would actually have followers. I started the blog as a way to escape both my mind and reality. It can be so noisy in my mind, and reality can be exhausting, so by blogging, I figured I can rant my thoughts out to anyone that wanted to listen. Watching the number of “humans creeped on this blog” increase has been very exciting! Having friends tell me that my blog has helped them, is incredible. Just what the whaaaat? Really? Whoa. I’ve been told that I have a great voice in writing, but my birth giver told me that, it was getting to the point where I was questioning if she was just saying that since she birthed me? Then friends were telling me that I’m a really great writer, but still I was questioning, is it because they’re my friends so of course they tell me my writing is great…I really am my biggest critic, for writing as well as the baked noms I make.

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I was able to take this picture featuring Bobo. This is what success looks like, it has taken me at least 8 years or so to get a photo like this with my world leader. He’s not a fan of photos, but he was on my lap sleeping when I decided to try once more. He ran off after this photo, but there was about 6 tries before this magical photo was created.

I’ve seen so many memes about how 2016 has been a horrible year, but I strongly disagree. I don’t want to say that I’m happy, because I will end up jinxing myself somehow…so I’m a strong content. I still have days where my depression is stronger, or my anxiety has a surge, so deep breathing doesn’t decrease the attacks, but for the most part I’m doing alright.

One of my strong complaints at the moment is that my allergy to dairy is obnoxious. I work in a bakery, 3 days a week for 5 hours. So that being said I’m surrounded by butter, milk, creamer, sour cream, cheeses, and so much dairy! I wear gloves, I’m washing my hands, I’m changing my gloves constantly, and yet I’m still having to flee to the bathroom because of the pain I’m in. Which usually comes with the anxiety of being scared of what if I have to give up this job? I then tell myself: “Fuck that noise!”

I worked earlier today, so that meant I had to wake up around 5:30am so I could arrive at the bakery a few minutes before 8am (when I had to clock in) I clocked out around 1:20pm, when I arrived back to Potato Manor (my house) I flopped on my bed and soon passed out. It’s exhausting work, but I love it so much. Plus that much interaction with humans tires me out. I am an introvert, so I need time to recharge after being in public. Which means I grab some snacks, something to drink, my baby…aka MacBook Pro, wait for Bobo to take up a good chunk of my queen size bed, and just relax. If something is too far for me to reach, well that sucks for me. I’ll try to parkour it, by seeing how far I can stretch to get it without having to leave my bed, but also not dying since the floor is lava.

The best way to hang out with my friends is sitting near each other on our phones, computers, reading books, just relaxing in each other’s company. My SMFF and I will sit in the same room and send dank memes or funny videos to each other on our phones. I love being next to a friend when they are reading or on their computer, or if I’m really lucky I get to watch them play video games. I love watching my friends play video games, it’s like listening to someone talk about something they love. It’s wonderful.

I’m exhausted still…but I wanted to do a blog post today because of it being a year ago I started this blog.

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I made this meme a while ago.
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A sleeping Trash Panda…aka me with makeup on that I forgot to take off.

~SirChangeling

Posted in Life

Will You Accept My Friendship?

After a couple days of telling myself to write the follow up post of vacation with the Science Lesbians, but not finding the motivation to do so, I found it. I just had to watch 4 episodes of Penny Dreadful on Netflix first. Love that show.

So from August 9th-19th I was able to spend my time with Science Lesbians, their cats, and families in Maine.

August 9th: I was picked up from the bus station in Portland. Was then whisked away stopped at a couple of stores in the area. Bull Moose was a wonderful store despite being haunted by Lake Champlain Chocolates…Vermont was following me. We then went to a cooking store where we took shots of infused vinegar, as well as infused olive oil shots. When mixing a buttery olive oil with a maple vinegar it tasted like PANCAKES were just born in my mouth. Mardens was another stop that was made. I connected with a Halloween mug that has a black cat on both the handle and inside the mug. My support for World Leaders is strong. At Science Lesbian’s house I finally met her World Leaders! Boo and Linus. After many videos and pictures exchanged and I was able to bow down to their greatness. Okay I probably squealed because they’re adorable.

August 10th: Blueberry picking happened. I became a true Mainer that day. As well as being eaten alive from mosquitoes. Bananagrams also happened. Despite Psychology Lesbian “cheating” by rapidly making words I was surprised how I was able to still make words. Most of the time the game would end with my art of words followed by a pile of tiles that I couldn’t make into words because somebody was saying “peel” too fast.

Here’s a conversation from that day, that was too great to not write down:
“I bought Slipshine with my stipend from class.” -Me
“You bought porn for being a good student?” -Science Lesbian
“Yes.”

August 11th: On this day I was able to see where the Science Lesbians go to get their comic books. We also went to Savers, I bought a purse because I have a bag and wallet fetish, some humans buy shoes, I buy wallets and bags after a couple months. The mall was the next part of the adventure.
“Fox as in the Kawaii Fox. Then run.” – Psychology Lesbian.
Torrid was the only store we went into, since by the time we arrived everything was closing soon. I tried some clothes on, nothing fit in the way I liked but trying clothes on while derping in the mirror was part of a great experience.
“What’s your name?”- Associate at Torrid.
“Potato.”
“As in the vegetable? I mean starch?”
“Yes.”
*Associate writes Potato on the whiteboard of the door where I’m going to try clothes on*
“My name is Becca, and I’ll be here if you need anything.”
For the rest of the time we were in the store Potato was still written on the door.

Since I have crippling anxiety I can’t speak in front of a crowd of humans. I can’t really be present in a crowd of humans without having an attack. However I keep being told I would be a great stand up comedian. Stand up comedians are in front of a group of humans. That’s just terrifying! I was given an alternative I can do:
“We’ll put you in a box with a laugh track in the background.” – Science Lesbian
“Will I get a microphone?” – Me
“Yes, and we’ll randomly push you on stage, because your box is on wheels.”
“I’ll be Boxed Potato peaking while peeking. It’s brilliant.”

“I had a dream last night where you both dyed my hair blue. Bleaching it first though. When I woke up I was disappointed that I didn’t have blue hair. I’d come back from vacation in Maine with blue hair. I’d tell my birth giver my hair had always been blue.”
“Tell her you ate too many blueberries. It happens a lot. Humans end up in hospitals because they keep turning blue.” – Science Lesbian

We ended our day with going to Olive Garden for dinner. Our waitress had only been working for about a month, but she was given too many tables then she could handle. So after waiting 15 minutes before even seeing her, the hangry at our table was growing. I was deducting the tip rom 20% to 15% because of having to wait for so long. The restaurant wasn’t even busy, it was because the waitress didn’t realize she had a lot of tables. The other table was directly across from our table. So we were in earshot of the shit going down for messed up orders. Behind Science Lesbian was a guy with a man bun, I didn’t want to be obvious about it so I took a photo of Science Lesbian on my phone with man bun in the background. Nailed it. When our food finally came, the other table was loud about their messed up order. Naturally I was eavesdropping, but I needed to act normal about it. Which apparently meant angrily mixing my spaghetti while giving intense eye contact with Science Lesbian. It was an interesting night… we all agreed that we wanted more shit to go down, since we were all entertained by it.
“Does Olive Garden have a porn parody?” – Science Lesbian
“What would that even involve? Smacking a butt with a cooked spaghetti noodle? When You’re Here, You’re Family. That’s a horrible tagline for a porn parody.”

I commented the tip should be 17% because I found out that the BREADSTICKS ARE DAIRY FREE!!!

August 12th: Blueberry picking happened again. We picked 3.5 pounds in 30 minutes. (Get Rekt) While Science Lesbian was at work, Psychology Lesbian took me to some speciality shops: pasta, produce, meat, and a bakery. Being a tourist was great. Dinner that night was homemade pasta made by Science Lesbian’s mom. The meal was so delicious, I was sad when it was gone. Criminal Minds marathon happened as we ate dinner.

“What I learned from Criminal Minds- I should put a lock on the fridge and put the key on a chain around my neck so I can then control the food.” – Science Lesbian
“No, that’s not the message.” – Me
“Was it be nice to your babies so they don’t kill you later from revenge?”
“Yes.”

Psychology Lesbian and I were watching Cupcake Wars before, but that show pissed me the fuck off. HUMANS WERE WASTING SO MUCH FOOD! IF SOMETHING DIDN’T COME OUT CORRECTLY THEY WOULD JUST THROW IT AWAY! BITCHES YOU CAN SAVE THAT! YOU COULD FIX IT! BUT NOOOO, YOU HAD TO THROW IT AWAY WITH 15 MINUTES LEFT OF THE CHALLENGE?!

To those who want to know why I don’t watch cooking or baking shows: timed challenges are the worst for me to watch. Plus when fuck faced humans waste food! (I hate wasting food, so if I throw food away, there is a good reason behind it)

August 13th: 
Blueberry pancakes to start the day is always a plus!
Followed by chasing Psychology Lesbian out of the kitchen with syrup so she could stop cleaning and take a shower.
Explored the library, helped color in a butterfly.
Shopped in cute stores downtown.
Went into a coffee shop, ordered a Matcha thinking it was just going to be hot water and Matcha…turned out to be a Matcha latte with milk. Had to say that I can’t have dairy due to an allergy. Felt absolutely horrible due to anxiety pulsing throughout my body. Science Lesbian received a free Matcha latte while I had a soy one made for me. Walking over to the table I was trying not to spill the very full mug of hot Matcha latte. So derping dramatically while scaring an elderly lady. Whatever I got her seat. After returning back to Science Lesbian’s house I had to take a 4 hour nap to recharge from the anxiety at the coffee shop.

August 14th:
Boston Comic Con 2016. I bought 3 grab boxes/bags. Then ended up having to give my wallet to Science Lesbian telling her to only give it back to me for when I go meet Shen of Owlturd Comix and Sarah Anderson of Sarah Scribbles. I only had one anxiety slip, but I was able to take a tablet for it. Considering how crowded Boston Comic Con was I was proud that my anxiety decided to wait until basically the end of the con. There was a group of humans chanting really loud to some music. I don’t know if they thought they were singing but I had a need for Simon Cowell to set all of them straight. While in line to be drawn in Owlturd Comix style I received a notification saying I had a new message from OkCupid.
“This guy with no profile picture just messaged me.”
“That’s the worst.” – Some girl in front of me in line.
“His message says ‘Do you want to suck a big black dick later?'”
“Seriously?” – Girl from before.
“Sorry, I have a dairy allergy. Plus I don’t really like chocolate.”
The girl in front of me starts laughing so hard she’s about to fall over.
“What did you do?!” – Science Lesbian
“I broke her! I just made some commentary, and she started laughing so hard. Ermahgerd I broke her.”

(This blog post is a long one! This is why I was putting it off for so long)

August 15th:
Spent the night at Psychology Lesbian’s house. So the next day we kidnapped Psychology Lesbian’s sister, who wasn’t warned about me, however I was warned about her comments. Heh.
I went to Target…he magicalness of the store seemed to disappear. There’s no Target in Vermont, so for years I always wanted to go to Target when I was in a different state. I don’t know why I had such a love for the store, Walmart is better honestly. I like to dress up for Walmart, in hopes to make it on the internet  I haven’t made it yet.
Back at Psychology Lesbian’s house her dog Bear and I bonded and became friends. I’m glad to have met Bleu as well. RIP Bleu from the 2 days I was with you, you had a great personality. I’m sorry I almost sat on you, I learned to always look for dogs under blankets before sitting on couches.
Thank you to Psychology Lesbian’s mom for making the curry for dinner! Thank you for not making it spicy…I have a pansy mouth and can’t handle spicy foods.

August 16th: 
Portland adventure
sticker shop
Classy sex boutique. When testing vibrators put it on your nose, if you sneeze it’s a great vibrator!
Gelato shop that had dairy free Sorbetto! Strawberry balsamic & Ripe Mango made a refreshing OTP for my tastebuds.
Bull Moose and comic book store.
Picnic on Science Lesbian’s porch while it poured rain.
Word card game
I WON CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY!! 13 cards!!

August 17th & 18th: 
These days I slept a lot, I needed to recharge from all the adventures that I was having. On the 18th we went to an Ulta and I was able to see the store in person rather than online. I’m starting to wear eye makeup again, after being depressed for a year and a half all the crying made it difficult to wear eye makeup.

August 19th: 
Last day with Science Lesbians. My birth giver picked me up that night. She had returned from her vacation of 3 countries in Europe. I had a wonderful time with Science Lesbians and their families, and world leaders. Plus my bonding cuddles with Bear and last days of Bleu’s life.

Pictures or it didn’t happen:

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Proof of my great skills at Bananagrams.
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Blueberry pickin
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Science Lesbian’s brother made some knife art
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Collage of World Leaders I met (Nora is missing a photo)

~SirChangeling

 

 

Posted in Life

Flashback Nightmares: Is This Real Life? Well, It Was.

I had another nightmare again. I woke up at 5am because I was finally able to break free from the grasp it had on me. Not even 15 minutes of Bobo cuddles could help the terror go away. I’m beginning to wonder if I have PTSD over this. I mean I already have PTSD from my childhood, but is it possible that I have it over what’s causing my nightmares? I’ve been having two sets of nightmares, one set is about my older sibling, who is dead to me. The other is about panic attacks while working on register. I’ve been having the same kind of nightmares about working on register at my former job since I quit at the end of February. It starts out about the same, I go in and visit former coworkers, only to end up being told to get on register because I’m late for my shift. After telling the manager that I no longer work there so no I’m not going on register I end up being on register because that’s how nightmares work. The line of hangry customers is out the door and I’m having trouble focusing on the customer I’m with. When it comes to counting back change I’m having so much difficulty that I’m looking at the $7 wondering if it’s really $7. I mean there’s a five dollar bill and two one’s but it doesn’t look like $7. The panic attack comes soon after that. The feel is so real, I’m pretty sure I’m thrashing on my bed, when I’m able to wake up I’m sweaty with a pounding heart. It takes at least over a hour to get my heartbeat to calm down.

It sucks, because this nightmare is a flashback. Well not the first part, but being on register only to have a panic attack soon after is. I would experience that for a year and half. When I go shopping I’ll almost always use my card over cash. Cash causes too much anxiety.

I still try to keep up the positive attitude on life. 2016 has been great for me despite the all the nightmares, which makes me afraid to sleep. I miss having insomnia sometimes, I didn’t have nightmares then. I mean sure my mood changed, because I wasn’t sleeping, but no nightmares….then again I was working on register at that time, so my nightmares were a day time activity.

I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks from my childhood too. Not the good kinds either. I have daddy issues, among other issues. So the abusive flashbacks are another thing that have the need to come forth. After years of pushing them away not wanting to deal with them, I think it’s time to finally talk about it with my therapist. Shit it’s going to be difficult. There will be tears. I will be snot nosed from all the tears. I’m not looking forward to it.

~SirChangeling

Posted in Life, Lists

Science Lesbians’ World Leaders Have Blessed my bed.

Me: I should write a blog post.
Also Me: *falls asleep for 4 hours because I need to recharge from social anxiety*

I’m currently visiting Science Lesbians, it’s very exciting. Later today we’re going to Boston Comic Con for the day, I love webcomics, not a big movie fanatic…okay movies are boring. I mean why pay $9+ to watch something when I can watch the trailer on YouTube and pretty much figure it out? Plus I tend to lose interest fast in movies and tv shows. If I’m not captured within a few moments of the movie, I’m pretty much done. But I don’t want to walk out of the theater because I paid for the ticket, and I don’t want to ask for my money back because THAT WILL CAUSE SOCIAL ANXIETY!!! FUCK THAT NOISE. So I don’t watch movies. The last movie I saw was Finding Dory at the drive ins, which was an adorable movie despite the fact that the human I saw it with made me very uncomfortable. Pro tip: Saying “yes” when asked out will not make said human leave you alone…saying “yes” when you mean “no” never works out….I still tend to do it, because I hate making others disappointed, so I will say “yes” even though I can’t physically or mentally do something. Ughhh anxiety. Good News: I don’t have to deal with that human ever again.

I don’t know that much about the DC Universe or Marvel Universe, I mean I saw DeadPool, and some other movies. DeadPool was the only one that was hilarious as well as captivating my interest. Thor needs to chill, SpiderMan is only good for memes, Superman needs to calm down, I had a dream when I was in elementary school where Batman killed my family then locked me in a closet…so Batman is creepy. Webcomics however are great, I follow web comic artists, World Leaders, Suicide Girls, and some other humans on my Instagram.

Speaking of memories, I started writing down some past memories that have exploded to the front of my mind. I have memory blasts randomly, it’s great…until I also relive the emotions I had during that time, which means I will be pissed off about something that happened 10+ years ago. Fuck you Ms. Brady* or whatever you changed your name to…go suck a raw egg.

*4th & 5th teacher

Here’s said list of my memories:

  • In 7th grade I declared I would be a professional tattoo coloring in human. Which meant I would color inside the outlines of tattoos with sharpies. The idea sparked when I saw an outline of a cow on a camp counselor’s back. That was my first experience with a vegan. He was a douche canoe. Remembered 1/5/16 2:17am
  • I think my first memory is when I was in a van, my siblings and Birth Giver were singing  Mister Sun to me while holding up this sun plush that played the tune to Mister Sun. I really wanted them to shut up, but I couldn’t talk yet so I just scream cried at them. The sun puppet was in my face, but I was strapped in my car seat so I couldn’t hit the puppet away. Remembered 1/6/16
  • In 9th grade I pushed one of the boys who would harass me all the time, off a railing. He wouldn’t stop, none of the teachers was doing anything about it, he was in my study hall class! So I took matters into my own hands. I should mention that I had gone of my medication around this time
    “Keely, we’re in the same class so we should be best friends.” The study hall was in the auditorium, so the railing was more of to separate the Tech Lighting from the audience…so not a big drop from the floor.
    “You’re totally right, we should be best friends.”
    “Wait what.”
    “You go tell everyone this.” With that I pushed him off the railing, which he was sitting on. By catching him off guard I was able to make my move. He had a cast on his leg, but I’m positive he was faking it. The study hall teacher told him to get up off the floor. Remembered 1/13/16
  • In the 3rd grade I dropped my baseball bat down a sewer drain because I was curious if it would fit in the holes. It did. I accidentally dropped it. Instant panic! My bat was gone! I actually didn’t want to go to practice, so I was stalling, but I didn’t think the bat would actually go down into the sewer! Luckily someone’s aunt had all these hiking accessories, so with bungie cords and skills she rescued my bat. I was sent to baseball practice while my bat was being rescued. What was I doing while my bat was being rescued? Screaming in the corner. Remembered 4/13/16

Because I haven’t updated in a while, instead of making 2 posts right after the other, I’m just going to make a double post. There’s really no such thing as a double post for me, since my thoughts jump around all the time, even when I’m having conversations with friends…text messages tend to jump around too.

When I’m alone having conversations with the voices/characters in my head I often wonder if other humans have the same thoughts.

Do you ever________, or is that just me?

  1. Do you ever have conversations with yourself, act out made up scenarios that will never happen in order to be ready for what to say just in case, or is that just me?
  2. Do you ever lose track of time because you were just looking at the wall, or is that just me?
  3. Do you ever slowly read books so you can savor everything because once you finish it there’s no more, or is that just me?
  4. Do you ever feel like Cinderella when mopping floors, then criticize her for going out with a curfew when she could’ve just stayed inside to watch porn without headphones, or is that just me?
  5. Do you ever swipe right on tinder when you see a cat picture, or is that just me? (I haven’t met a douche canoe that has a cat….cat’s are amazing, which is why they’re our World Leaders…duh.)
  6. Do you ever feel like a bunny when eating carrots, or is that just me?
  7. Do you ever feel like a cat when eating fish or is that just me?
  8. Do you ever look at a cute couple and hope them the best, or is that just me?

I have asked Stranger Danger some of these…his response each time “Just you.”

That’s all I feel like writing now…

~SirChangeling

 

Posted in Life

I’m trying to ignore said elephant, it’s difficult.

Despite me wanting to curl up to bawl my eyes out feeling the wave of “oh shit” moments hit me in the face I don’t think I deserve to feel this way. I’ve worked too damn hard to be in good spirits to have this wave hit me knocking me down into a depressed mushy potato. I had a good day today, except for one little hiccup, which of course Scott took over and ran every possible worst case scenario in my head. Fuck Scott. Why does he have to do this to me? Scott being my anxiety, for those who are confused. My anxiety named itself, which only makes sense seeing as I name everything else. I have a Rock Band, they recently went on tour. (I moved them from one side of my room to the other)

Today I adopted a bear. His name is Bun Bun and he’s a gay leather daddy. Except he doesn’t have any leather…yet! I get to visit Science Lesbians soon! So Bun Bun might be able to receive leather, I have to write down his measurements first.

Writing this post is counteracting that I still want to bury my face in Bun Bun’s leg and cry. (I still might end up doing this) I still feel like this is punishment for holding into my feelings, not acknowledging them, for the fear of being hurt. I’m very good at ignoring the elephant in the room, I understand that its there, I just don’t want to deal with it. So yes, I’m ignoring it. I do this with my feelings towards certain humans because I don’t want to mess things up. I don’t want this burden of not being able to hold a friendship because I get attached to the jokes, to the comfort, to the understanding. It’s hard to let go of friends because I did something stupid to terminate the friendship…well looking back all the reasons for terminating most of my friendships is because of valid reasons. One time in particular was because I chose the shopping cart over someone, which yes it was stupid, yes I wish I could have a redo, but too much time has passed and I don’t deserve the forgiveness. Where was I going with this?

.

.

.

I really wish that I knew what to do with my life. I’m terrified of looking for a job, I’m at the “now what?” stage. Class ended a couple weeks ago, every time I look through the newspaper for jobs I have so much anxiety I just want to cry. I see places that say they want someone who is experienced for a full time, fast paced job. Is it just an American thing where cafes need to have everything be fast? I rather have a coffee where a barista takes their time to make it be delicious, rather than a barista who rushes to get a drink done within a couple minutes for a deadline, making a mess of powders or coffee beans as they scoop, dump, pour products into a cup. Perhaps it’s just my anxiety but seeing a mess of counters says more about wanting to rush an order rather than making sure it’s right. Why does everything need to be rushed? When rushes happen stress happens. Stress causes break downs.

“It’s complicated.” What does that even mean?

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This is my Rock Band. Kk the llama rock, Bob the Boulder, Peaches, Shit Nugget, Melvin, Squire Spud, Petunia, and King Momo. Lucifer aka Luci has recently been added, a photo with her has not been taken yet. The surfer duck is their manager and the unicorn is their number 1 fan. The troll behind the unicorn is a creeper, hence being a troll.

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The caption for this one: “How single am I? Well I’m hugging a teddy bear in Costco…sooooo”13876472_1454673554558255_8339368498811715364_n

Here I am with Bun Bun. This picture shows how Bun Bun makes a great pillow. Also my chest pillows are ginormous in this picture…and in real life. No wonder I have back pain. Shit look at the size of those unwanted things!

~SirChangeling

P.S. If the radio could stop playing *those* songs that would be great. Current song? You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift. I love TSwift, just not when her songs hit me in the feels.