Posted in Life

When a baker misses a spot sweeping, I point it out…because I’m the assistant baker.

“How is molasses spelled?”
I recently got a job! I’m a baker’s assistant! This is a perfect job for me, I’m excited to go to work, and learn more about working in a bakery. For once I actually feel like I deserve getting paid for my job. It’s an unreal feeling, with my past 3 jobs I never felt like I deserved the paycheck. That could be because of my depression and other mental illness surprise box issues, but looking back I still don’t think I deserved getting the money for the jobs. I put a lot of hard work into my jobs, but I never felt noticed enough for the hard work….probably because of severe depression…

Today marks that I have had my blog for a year! It’s a nice accomplishment, I never thought that I would actually have followers. I started the blog as a way to escape both my mind and reality. It can be so noisy in my mind, and reality can be exhausting, so by blogging, I figured I can rant my thoughts out to anyone that wanted to listen. Watching the number of “humans creeped on this blog” increase has been very exciting! Having friends tell me that my blog has helped them, is incredible. Just what the whaaaat? Really? Whoa. I’ve been told that I have a great voice in writing, but my birth giver told me that, it was getting to the point where I was questioning if she was just saying that since she birthed me? Then friends were telling me that I’m a really great writer, but still I was questioning, is it because they’re my friends so of course they tell me my writing is great…I really am my biggest critic, for writing as well as the baked noms I make.

I was able to take this picture featuring Bobo. This is what success looks like, it has taken me at least 8 years or so to get a photo like this with my world leader. He’s not a fan of photos, but he was on my lap sleeping when I decided to try once more. He ran off after this photo, but there was about 6 tries before this magical photo was created.

I’ve seen so many memes about how 2016 has been a horrible year, but I strongly disagree. I don’t want to say that I’m happy, because I will end up jinxing myself somehow…so I’m a strong content. I still have days where my depression is stronger, or my anxiety has a surge, so deep breathing doesn’t decrease the attacks, but for the most part I’m doing alright.

One of my strong complaints at the moment is that my allergy to dairy is obnoxious. I work in a bakery, 3 days a week for 5 hours. So that being said I’m surrounded by butter, milk, creamer, sour cream, cheeses, and so much dairy! I wear gloves, I’m washing my hands, I’m changing my gloves constantly, and yet I’m still having to flee to the bathroom because of the pain I’m in. Which usually comes with the anxiety of being scared of what if I have to give up this job? I then tell myself: “Fuck that noise!”

I worked earlier today, so that meant I had to wake up around 5:30am so I could arrive at the bakery a few minutes before 8am (when I had to clock in) I clocked out around 1:20pm, when I arrived back to Potato Manor (my house) I flopped on my bed and soon passed out. It’s exhausting work, but I love it so much. Plus that much interaction with humans tires me out. I am an introvert, so I need time to recharge after being in public. Which means I grab some snacks, something to drink, my baby…aka MacBook Pro, wait for Bobo to take up a good chunk of my queen size bed, and just relax. If something is too far for me to reach, well that sucks for me. I’ll try to parkour it, by seeing how far I can stretch to get it without having to leave my bed, but also not dying since the floor is lava.

The best way to hang out with my friends is sitting near each other on our phones, computers, reading books, just relaxing in each other’s company. My SMFF and I will sit in the same room and send dank memes or funny videos to each other on our phones. I love being next to a friend when they are reading or on their computer, or if I’m really lucky I get to watch them play video games. I love watching my friends play video games, it’s like listening to someone talk about something they love. It’s wonderful.

I’m exhausted still…but I wanted to do a blog post today because of it being a year ago I started this blog.

I made this meme a while ago.
A sleeping Trash Panda…aka me with makeup on that I forgot to take off.


Posted in Life

Title: TBD

I hate the fall season. At first it was only winter that I hated. But I hate fall too. Whenever asked what my favorite season was I would answer summer. I am one of those humans that prefers to be sweating than be freezing. Sometimes it gets to the point where I am way too hot to move but then I remember ‘at least I don’t have hives right now.’ Plus if I wait long enough my sweat will dry and I’ll be freezing and in a sweatshirt shivering. In summer I get to experience all the seasons! The pros/cons of being allergic to cold weather.

Yesterday it was in the 50’s I was summoned to go over to my former job and visit. I also made some pumpkin chocolate chip bread. So I was bringing some of that over to share. I actually texted Blue Gigglez to see when he was working, because he loves that bread and I love seeing other humans happy when I present them with my noms. It makes me feel useful in life. And with it being Autumn right now, feeling useful is a good thing for me. The walk which took about 5 songs was nice and upsetting. Nice because I like walking places, I listen to my iPod (Peeves) while having a lip sync battle with myself, you never know when you will get invited to have a lip sync battle with Jimmy Fallon. I’m in it to win it. I’ve been doing this since 2010ish or anytime I walked to work, a bus stop, goodwill, pretty much if I’m walking and I am listening to music there is a lip sync battle taking place. I can’t sing, but I’m great at lip syncing. Anyway, I was walking over and within 2 minutes or so my legs began to become itchy. Shit. I still had a little ways to go before I reached my destination, and the hives had started. I didn’t want to turn back home, because I was on a mission damnit. The itchiness was not because of my anxiety, or other mental health issues, no it was because I’m allergic to the cold weather. So around this time I like to hermit. Sure it does shitty things to my already getting worse mental heath, but at least I’m not having hives.

My depression worsens around Autumn. The seasons change so my allergy to the cold kicks in. Which means I get hives that don’t go away for at least an hour. I always thought it was normal to go outside and be extremely itchy within a couple minutes. I also thought it was normal to faint all the time during puberty. Neither of those things are normal. But I didn’t want to be that person who asks “is this normal?” and have it be normal and then I’m there looking like an awkward human trying to blend in with the wall. I mean it also backfires because I went 22 years going outside always being itchy in the cold weather. As well as fainting whenever I stood up too fast in middle school.

I’ve always been that special child who needs extra attention, but didn’t receive it until it was too late. As a result I have cursed so many unborn children. I feel like a witch in those fairy tales. It’s great. I am on the autism spectrum as well as having Trisomy X. Sometimes its great because I can appreciate those offensive jokes about autism and having extra chromosomes. But it also sucks because I have these issues so learning things is difficult, understanding things takes awhile to stick. Example: It took me at least 10 times to be shown how to make coffee in a coffee pot at my former job. I’m a special potato. I didn’t want to have humans be disappointed or think that I couldn’t do something, so I would say that I understand things, even though I would end up staring at the coffee maker hoping it would tell me how to use it properly, because that was so much easier than asking for help, obviously.

I was going to make this post either about my tattoos and what they mean, or write a Dear Human post. Which is basically me writing a letter to someone who is no longer in my life. Coping skills I learned in therapy. One of the few positive coping skills I learned in group therapy that is. Group therapy is not for everyone, no matter how much humans will tell you to go to group therapy, if you know it’s not right for you, don’t go. I had a premonition of what would happen if I went to group therapy and it ended in me going back to a mental hospital, or jail. Probably mental hospital because I was not mentally stable at the time. And I’ve seen enough Law & Order SVU to know that show is fake, but still I would probably be sent to a mental hospital (again) over jail.

This post ended up being a way to wake me up a tad bit. Having depression means I sleep all the time. I miss having insomnia last year, I wasn’t sleeping all the time. In fact I was rarely sleeping. Ugh depression I either sleep too much or not enough. This is my life.

I can’t move some place warm because I don’t have the funds for that.

When I have insomnia I can’t sleep, even if I want to. Your articles about why sleep is important aren’t helpful.

I can’t smile, it’s against my religion. (I told that to a customer who told me ‘you could at least smile.’)

I have no idea what my sexuality or gender is anymore. I don’t really want to find out, because it’s a surprise for what the day brings.

Here’s a picture of my World Leader: Bobo. Within 15 seconds of me sitting down in a chair  across from him, he was in my lap giving me purrs, kneads, and drooling. He drools when he is happy.
Pumpkin Chocolate Chip bread! Dairy free!! Including the chocolate chunks!
I’m in a winter hat of some animal, a sweater and my lumberjack jacket. It was 52 degrees outside. I was freezing and itchy. My snapchat is amazing. 
If you can’t wait for when my ‘When I feel like it’ blog updates.


Posted in Life

True Life: I Ditched a Testicle & a Shopping Cart

I usually say things that shock others not the other way around. The other day in class one of my classmates asked how old I am. I responded “24” after a slight pause because I had to think about it. I always forget my age. My classmate was surprised she thought I was 18, because I act immature. She let me know she didn’t mean that in a rude way, I laughed, “being immature is more fun.” I responded. She then said “you are very intelligent though.” Which is when I was shocked. I tend to not believe humans when they tell me this except she was the second human to say this to me that week. Being told “you are intelligent” made me step back in my mind as a wave of flashbacks bombarded me.

When I hung out with the Testicle (not her real name) she would always put me down, making me feel worthless, then say she only did this “because I care about you Keels.” Being friends with the Testicle was my first abusive relationship. I would start to internally put myself down, insulting myself to the point where telling myself “you are such a fucking cunt” didn’t sting anymore. By putting myself down I was able to build up a wall so insults couldn’t break me. I also had this thing with another abusive friend, Shopping Cart. (I give fabulous nicknames…Shopping Cart is obviously not his real name) Hanging out with Shopping Cart, made me feel like living life on the edge, it was a terrifying rush that I didn’t want to stop. I was so depressed that I didn’t see how horribly shitty he was. I had Shopping Cart manipulating me while Testicle told me how I should care about my body more, I should do this and that if I wanted Shopping Cart to like me.

Have you ever hung out with someone because you were so lonely, even though they were an abusive friend to you? That’s what it felt like for me when with the Testicle. I somehow was able to distance myself from the Testicle never looking back. As for Shopping Cart, that took a little longer to get over unfortunately. I was so convinced that I did something to push him away. Now when I look back I ask myself “How the fuck did that even begin?” He told me when he first met me he hated me, I asked him “Have we met before?” We had.


It was holiday shopping season winter 2012, I was extremely caffeinated, the closing manager just locked up, I was getting a ride from a coworker when I saw this figure in the distance. I thought he was a stray shopping cart. I very loudly said “the doors are locked and there is a shopping cart still out here! I thought we got them all! Ermahgerd it moved…oh wait that’s a person.” I’m very subtle. He was sitting on the curb in the dark. Who does that? Fucking creepers that’s who.


After that encounter I forgot all about him, until the next summer when we worked together. The following 8 months were hopefully a once in a lifetime experience. His tattoos attracted me…until I saw what some of the designs were: “M.O.B.” (Money Over Bitches) across his chest, a skeleton pimp with a fish in its platform shoe, featuring a girl on her knees on his leg. The shopping cart is one of those fuckboys that thinks he’s black. So as you can imagine I dun fucked up, but thankfully I am no longer in contact with him.

I am graduating from CKA on Tuesday! I have great relationships with friends now. I ditched those who aren’t great for me. Ditching friends is one of those tasks that is always hard for me, but I need to do it. So I guess I am intelligent in some ways.


Posted in Life


Drugs are pretty great I suppose. I’m still not a fan of being a pill popper, but if by doing so keeps me from crying 24/7, I support antidepressants. However forcing me to take pills is not the way to go, ditching me until I go back on medication is not the way to go about friendship with me.

I’m back on Facebook, I did try to stay away..but I missed seeing pictures from my human friends. Curse you FOMO. I was scrolling through snapchat stories from BuzzFeed the other day, when I stopped to say aloud “Why am I reading this? I don’t care about celebrity lives. Where are the fun recipes or DIY ideas? BuzzFeed you need rehab.”

On July 13th I wrote down some fabulous WOWBKs:

  • When nervous during an interview, at a point of words not flowing. Say “Sorry, the caffeine hasn’t quite kicked in yet.” Collect your thoughts then continue.
  • If you lie to me, you’re cut off from Basic White Bitch Treats of Nom.
  • I saw the cutest brown squirrel the other day. When I walked closer I realized it was a brown plastic bag. It’s obvious that I have the Sight. The faeries gave it to me before they switched me out…#changelingproblems
  • I am so grateful for Pokemon Go. Finally I can have massive anxiety in public and not worry about the stares. I can just blame it on the app.

As a Potato with extreme anxiety I have extreme difficulty saying no to humans. So I say what humans want to hear, it doesn’t work out great because I end up crying in a corner from pushing myself to breaking point. I decided to test out saying “no” for a week. The results were interesting, after the first couple anxiety waves rushing through my entire body, I felt this unusual power. I didn’t exactly say “no” but I implied it. (“That’s nice” “uh huh.” “Why can’t you walk the 2 steps and throw out your own fork?”) I was told by classmates that I was very sassy, they all loved it. I was told to keep it up, my sass gave them life…or something.


I call this photo “Today I learned what shallots are, they’re part of the onion family.” I had a classmate take this photo I am in the background with cold paper towels on my eyes.

I graduate on Tuesday July 19th at 1pm! I’m ready. I’m going to just starfish a lot to catch up on energy. I will not miss the full time hours of this class. High stress had me screaming a bunch of times to let it out. I mean I waited until I was in the safety of my bubble (bedroom) before I released my inner screams, then promptly passed the fuck out. Anxiety is exhausting. Unfortunately I did still have anxiety attacks at class, I would run to the bathroom and hide there. That fight or flight response is great for me because I flee to safety, then I fight the anxiety. I go both ways..ha.


Posted in Life

ughhhhhh *insert your own witty title*

Where do I begin? Week 10 of class was very difficult-emotionally wise. I kept trying to go back to the internship each day, I tried so hard but I could only last about 1.5 hours before anxiety ambushes. I had a classmate tell me she saw how hard I tried with each day, having her tell me that helped so much. Anxiety fucking sucks, so to have humans see how much I’m trying to fight back helps a lot.

Facebook is a great place for my anxiety, and by that I mean it’s the absolute worst. I was getting into this pattern of gotta check Facebook, gotta see what my friends are posting. Except Facebook was getting really depressing, posting funny pictures wasn’t helping me anymore, I’d go on Facebook, and just feel bad about myself. So last Wednesday I deactivated my account. I felt a whoosh of freedom, which sounds silly but that’s what it feels like. I now browse reddit, Imgur, Pinterest, and random webcomics. So yes I’m still wasting away on the internet, (I am from there after all) but I’m not depressed of anxious when I’m on sites. I didn’t start Facebook until 2009, because I thought it sounded stupid to join. When I did sign up I had friends tell me “finally you’re on Facebook!” Then for the next 7 years I posted pictures, great statuses, and looked up fellow humans comparing myself to them. That last one is a huge issue for me, as an Autistic Potato* I have overcome so many hurdles, so to compare myself with former high school classmates made my depression and anxiety team up and make my mood worse.

*Don’t get Butthurt because the names I call myself offend you. I don’t give a fuck, why are you offended by names I call myself? I will continue looking at the ground as I walk places, because that’s how I find free money. I’m an Asexual Autistic Potato. Fight me…but not really because I will run away.

Here’s some pictures from my Facebook, I downloaded all the pictures in my albums before I deactivated my account. I might be back on, but hopefully I won’t be.



Posted in Life

Asexual Potato passed ServSafe!!!!!!

I decided to type my thoughts down while walking to class the other day. I’m one of those humans who walks into parked cars, because texting while walking is difficult. Luckily I didn’t walk into any parked cars while I was typing on a notepad app on my phone. (I upgraded to a smartphone in January, it’s June… I’m still trying to figure some things out. It’s frustrating I want to go back to a flip phone, but I like the GPS on my phone.)

June 21, 2016 9:33am

  • Sometimes I think I should have a taser to defend myself from birds. However I would probably test the taser on my foot, so that’s why I don’t have a taser.
  • I should have mace…even though I’m very jumpy. Everyone would get maced, that’s what they get for sneaking up on me.
  • I think everyone should finally realize that the real terrorists are mosquitoes.
  • If my concussion symptoms could leave that would be great.
  • If I could get my servsafe test results maybe that would calm down Scott.
  • I need caffeine but the Starbucks line was too long.
  • I hope the ice machine at class is working.

The next day, June 22, I found out that I PASSED SERVSAFE!!!!!!! 

It was until Friday June 24th that I found out my score:
“Remember, these test results are supposed to be secretive don’t go sharing what you got.” Chef told the seven of us as he wrote on sticky notes our individual scores.
“Keely what did you get?” A classmate asked.
“83!” I announced proudly, as Chef rolled his eyes.

The classmate who had the highest score received a $50 gift card, I wasn’t the highest score, however I was in the top 3! 83 is a big deal for me, I always would be in the low 60’s-high 70’s range for test scores in college.

I’m going onto my 10th week of class, I was able to finally take my rings off last week. Can’t have rings in the internship so I had to take them off. Putting them on a chain around my neck wasn’t going to work for me, because necklaces feel like they’re choking me, that’s not a kink I’m into too. I’m not kink shaming, just saying that I like my kinks like I liked my ice cream before having to switch to dairy free. Vanilla Bean.

Surprisingly I’m not extremely anxious about the internship, I’m more anxious about finding a job afterwards. I want a baking job but it needs to be part time. This class is draining me of my energy so on weekends I pretty much just starfish on my bed in front of the fan, until I become too cold, then I have to get up to turn it off, only to become too hot again. Ugh #FirstWorldProblems Not only am I drained of energy, but anxiety attacks are happening in the middle of the week. I unfortunately had another anxiety attack in class last week. This one was different it was anxiety featuring a ptsd flashback. I locked myself in the bathroom, crying while texting Stranger Danger trying to calm down. A classmate helped by texting me offering to take a walk, as well as letting me just rant it all out. That was extremely helpful. I was able to survive another day. When I got back there was a class picture taken, I’m curious to what my face looked like, I derp’d in the photo because that’s how I roll. I’ve been anxious about the job part since the class began, it’s good to know that some things never change…

wp-1466891327452.jpgI had my hair shaved today, I feel so much better now.


Posted in Life

First Week of CKA Synopsis

I recently was accepted into Community Kitchen Academy which is a 13 week cooking class. I’m so amazed that I was accepted into honestly. Perhaps it’s all my self doubt of thinking I’ll never get anywhere because of my crippling anxiety or my depression that comes and goes, but I still hoped I would be able to get to a point in my life where I looked forward to the next day. Being in this class gives me the excitement for the next day. What will I learn in class today? This time last year I was very suicidal, but I didn’t want to let friends, coworkers, or managers down because I couldn’t get out of bed. My mental health ended up giving me the gift of a black out from January 2015-September 2015. It’s a different feeling wanting to get out of bed to go to something I’m excited for rather than hoping I’ll die in my sleep. It takes some getting used to.

April 25:

Class started at 11am on Monday April 25th. I arrived at 10:30am, since my anxiety tells me to arrive places at least 15-30 minutes early to important appointments or I will explode, my blood, guts, skin will be everywhere. That would be a horrible mess for someone to clean up, I’m not going to be that douche canoe who was late to something therefore exploding body pieces all over the place. Can you imagine having to clean that up? That would suck. I’m going to be early, so no chance of exploding.
The class has 11 students including me. There is a lot of diversity as well which is excellent. One of the main reasons I hate living in Vermont is the lack of diversity. When I moved here when I was 5 I remember asking my mom where all the black humans were. Moving from New Jersey to white Vermont was not a fun experience, and yet I can’t just leave because teleportation isn’t a thing yet…plus lack of money.

Since Monday was the first day, Chef stood at the head of the table and talked. Even though he told us we didn’t need to take notes, I did in order to pay attention. Here’s most of my notes. (I was that kid in school who would highlight everything in packets because I found it all important. I still would do horrible on tests, because I couldn’t remember everything or focus.)

  • Do rotations in the kitchen 2 people will be in the dish room each day.
  • There is a 90%-100% success rate in getting a job in food service after graduating this class.
  • Will be certified in ServeSafe.
  • “There are so many ways to cut an onion or peel a carrot. In CKA you’ll learn the ‘standard’ way.”
  • One week will be working at Sodexo for full days as an internship.
  • Learn career ready skills & resume tune ups
  • Will use good quality donated food to turn into cooked meals for ourselves and the community. (CKA is located at the food shelf)
  • Will be educated on food.
  • Everyone in class may be 100% hired before the end of 13 weeks.
  • Non judgement class. Allowed to make mistakes.
  • Never be afraid. You won’t be yelled at!
  • Gordon Ramsey makes for great entertainment, however horrible working conditions. Chef would fire him if Gordon worked for him.
  • The food shelf has a food truck, can use it in the community to see if humans react positively to our food.
  • The tables in the kitchen have wheels with locks so we can move furniture around.
  • Costco and Trader Joes are two examples of the high quality food that is donated to CKA.
  • No one sits while someone is working, this is your team.
  • Start at 10am sharp. Class is 10-4 Monday-Friday
  • Transportation and lunch is covered when on a field trip.
  • Prepaid visa $50 gift cards are attendance bonuses.
  • More than 5 minutes late means no attendance bonus.
  • Since this class gives a lot of information, can’t miss more than 5 classes.

Apparently this class is not easy to get into. Chef saw that each student had a lot to offer for the class, he explained this was why the interview was 20 minutes long. I like to remind myself this daily. I was accepted into a difficult cooking class, even though I have injured myself twice this past week while putting my jeans on. Injured in the sense that there was blood, I had to put bandaids on then sit down so I wouldn’t pass out. I’m a special potato.

April 26:

Day two of orientation week was another day of Chef talking. He went over common sense with knives, such “don’t catch a falling knife. Let it drop. If it breaks I will buy you a new one. Same goes with hot pans, pots, skillets. Don’t try and catch those if they fall.” We got locks for our lockers that day, so after spending a long time on everyone trying to open their locks, half the class failing to do so, Chef informed us we can bring in our own locks if that is easier. He provided the locks so we wouldn’t have to spend money out of our pockets for this class. I brought in my own lock, which is the same type of lock only it’s green. I brought my own lock so it wouldn’t feel bad that I bought it 3 years ago and never used it. Yup, you read that sentence correctly, I brought in my own lock so an inanimate object wouldn’t feel useless.
The two clocks in the kitchen are analog clocks. Shit. I can’t read analog clocks, I’ve tried to learn, but it never stuck, caused more problems actually. Anger outbursts because I didn’t understand, and others didn’t believe me when I told them I couldn’t read them. I asked Chef if it would be alright if I brought in my own digital clock to put up since I can’t read analog clocks. After being surprised that I couldn’t read an analog clock he didn’t question me, instead he gave me the okay that I can bring in a digital clock. He believed me when I said I can’t read analog clocks! He believed me! Honestly that rarely happens, so when someone believes me it’s a great. I’m a horrible liar so I don’t know why humans would think I would lie about having difficulty with life?

April 27:

Day three Chef asked what do employers look for then wrote on the board the answers we shouted out.

  • Ready to Work
  • Good Work Ethics
  • Professional Attitude
  • Good Hygiene
  • Passion
  • Time Management
  • Effort
  • Persistance
  • Interest
  • Knowledge

Chef informed us that not every day will be easy, there will be bad days, but just remember that the next day will be better. In my notes I decided that “tomorrow will be easier” is a better saying for me. The saying ‘it will get better’ or ‘it get’s better’ always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. After hoping life will get better, I’m always disappointed when it doesn’t change. However by changing a word gives the sentence so much more power. Tomorrow will be easier makes sense, I got through today so tomorrow will be easier since I’m closer to my goal than I was yesterday.

April 28:

Day four started out with Chef telling us about CAYGO. Cleaning As You Go once you finish with one task clean up your area before moving on to the next part of the task. This is what I do when I bake or cook at home. I need things to be clean around me, perhaps this is why I break down when there is a dirty pan left out on the stove since my birth giver didn’t clean up after herself. Why is cleaning up after yourself such a hard concept? Clean the fucking pan so food or grease doesn’t get stuck on it!

Next we learned about all the different types of chefs there are.

Classical setup:

  • Executive Chef
  • Chef de cuisine or Sous Chef
  • Station Chef
  • Saucier
  • Roast Chef
  • Garde Manager
  • Pastry Chef
  • Relief Cook
  • Expediter

Regular setup:

  • Chef
  • Sous Chef
  • Line Cook
  • Breakfast Cook
    When graduating this class I will be at Line Cook/ Prep Cook entry.

That day we also learned about the dish room. What the temperature for each dish sink needs to be, how to operate the dish machine, how to test the sanitizer water, how to handle clean dishes. Air dry them, never towel dry.

April 29:

On the fifth day of class as well as the end of the first week we received our tool kits!

In our tool kits so far contain:

  • 8 inch French knife
  • Pairing knife
  • Whip
  • Notebook
  • Sharpie
  • Thermometer
  • Cut Glove
  • Vegetable brush
  • Name Tag
  • Measuring Cups
  • Measuring Spoons
  • Nail Brush
    Chef informed us we will be getting more kitchen tools as well.

I don’t remember which day this happened but Chef informed us that we can’t have dangling jewelry on. No earrings, bracelets, or rings. I wear two opal rings 24/7. One on each of my middle fingers they’re pretty much apart of my body, I can only get them off with a fuckton of lotion. I’m very much dedicated to this class, I knew going into this there would be hurdles I would have to jump over. So before going to bed one night I took my rings off. I woke up in the middle of the night due to a massive panic attack. My birth giver came into my room laid in my bed with me and asked what was wrong. I told her in between sobs that I took my rings off so I could try and get used to it for the class. Only I woke up from my sleep due to a panic attack. I don’t want to get special treatment but I can’t take my rings off without having a panic attack. These rings have been on my fingers since 2007 and 2012. I don’t take them off. Last time I took them off I had a panic attack so intense I sobered up from a pill that was supposed to knock me out. I had to put my rings back on, take an anxiety attack begone pill (I give great names to my meds. I also have nightmare begone pills, since I have nightmares all the time.) After my birth giver left, my two dogs Winnie and Orey stayed. They slept on either side of me, making sure I was secured. Bobo took over my birth giver’s side of the bed in her room. Thanks Bobo for your concern.

I ended up talking to Chef after class telling him that I’m very dedicated to this class, but I need to wear my rings. They’re a security blanket without being a blanket. He informed me that I can keep my rings on, when it gets to the internship week I might need to wear them on a chain around my neck that’s under my uniform, but until then no need to worry. That was such a big relief to hear, he also told me that if my anxiety increases to tell him so we can work it out. I told him that my anxiety makes me show up early to class which is fine, since I can help clean up for class to start.

This class is going to be such a great experience for me. I have a lot of support. I’m really proud how far I’ve come since last year. I don’t really say this or acknowledge this saying but “I deserve this in my life.”


Posted in Life

Jigglyboo! Don’t Look Out That Window!

I’m visiting my Soul Mate in Friend Form from March 25- April 6th, even though it’s only been 3 days it feels like 100. I guess that’s says a lot about our bond. We’re not sick of each other and even if we were, we know how to give each other space. The only thing that she has been complaining about me is because I’m “suffocating” her with my farts. I’m not sorry, because farts are hilarious.

We’ve been watching Lifetime movies and Law and Order: SVU so sappy relationship stories then violent murder stories. As well as downloading dating apps to see who is in the area. I somehow managed to have guys Super Like me on Tinder I have no idea how that happened. My best pick up line: “Would you consider yourself a pussy magnet? Those kittens are adorable!” The guy was shirtless holding 3 kittens. So far no luck most of the guys are in medical school which is a no go for me seeing as I have a massive fear of doctors.

Here’s some of the highlights of my visit so far:

Night of March 25
My stomach hurts so my farts are coming out as they please.
“Wow that sounded like a motor boat fart.”
“I’m sorry! I can’t help it!”
“Omg! that smells like Matcha!”
“No it doesn’t!”
“Yes it does! You keep drinking them so you’re used to the smell.”
“Yeah that makes sense.”
“Oh my god! 
Your matcha fart smells! 
It’s creeping up on me, I’m suffocating right now!
It’s lingering! It’s like your fart is a ghost and won’t leave until I smell it.”
“Yeah my fart is a ghost and poking you on the shoulder…smell me and I’ll go away.”
. . .
“Are you kidding me? It’s like Matcha fart the sequel.”
. . .
“I can still smell it. I hope you’re happy with yourself.”
“Yeah…oh this is pretty bad.”
“Now you can smell it.”
“Yeah the wind blew it in my face.”
“If I wake up because of that smell I’m going to murder you.”
“Save my laptop.”
“You won’t be able to use it.”
“So? Save it anyway.”
“Fine I’ll put it in the grave with you.”
All of a sudden my Soul Mate in Friend Form yell yawned.
“What the hell was that?”
“Oh sorry I sometimes yell when I yawn”
“I almost farted. I fart when I’m scared.”
“Can you imagine a super power where you fart and knock out your opponents? Talk about a nasty ass smell!”

Night of March 26
While watching Jurassic Park 2 during the scene of the Trex in San Diego, SMFF and I hear two girls screaming at each other outside. Jurassic Park is muted so we can hear them bitch at each other. SMFF subtly looks out her window while on her bed whereas I was on my air mattress so I didn’t have the gracefulness to go on her bed to look out the window. Instead I crouched right in front of the other window to watch them. The screaming stopped because the two girls totally saw me. I was banned from looking out the window for the rest of the night.

Night of March 27
Told SMFF how I didn’t want to go downstairs to watch her make dinner, so she spilled the spaghetti noodles on the ground. I helped her pick them up. I told her I’d make the cupcakes, she let me know it was planned that I’d be the one to make cupcakes. We still ate the spaghetti noodles even though they spilled on the hard wood floor. Homemade spaghetti with mozzarella stuffed meatballs were delicious despite the noodles being whole grain.

Night of March 28
We’re watching Walk the Line. I’m debating if I want to eat the rest of the cupcakes I have for my share. I made 24 all together, SMFF frosted her half since frosting is disgusting so I left mine edible. She questioned how I was able to eat 12 cupcakes all at once. My secret? It’s a fat kid talent…however I was only able to eat 8 at once.



Posted in Life

Rip Pig Chicken, you died before I could get a photo

Bittersweet is such a stupid word to describe a memory. When I think of the word I think of something that leaves a gross taste in my mouth…bacon. Sweet in this word makes me think of how humans get excited when they trick someone into doing something they don’t like..fuck you. Bittersweet must then mean “Bacon fuck you.” This was my thought process after leaving the job I somehow managed to keep for 2 years. I’m not saying that I have bad feelings for leaving, I was more thinking of a response if anyone asked me if I will have bittersweet memories thinking back. I was prepping myself for a conversation that will probably never happen.

The hardest part of leaving was because the head manager was so understanding and kind about everything I deal with. I never thought I deserved it, because when I have anger attacks I can’t control what I say or do. Which is terrifying for me, those are the worst kind of anxiety attacks because after fleeing trying to find a corner to calm down enough while hiding myself, I would continue to fight this attack trying my best to bottle the anger back up. It is exhausting and very difficult so when I’m near other humans it’s worse since I don’t know what will happen. I made sure to tell former coworkers I’m sorry for anything I may say or do when I could feel the anger boiling out.

After a year of daily anxiety attacks for being on register, then having to leave my shift because I couldn’t calm down enough to go back out on register I stopped feeling like my manager could count on me to do my job. I was showing how I clearly couldn’t be counted on, I have no idea how I was still employed. The line out the door during lunch rushes, loud noises, hangry humans, counting back change 3 times getting different answers each time, and trying to hear with my auditory processing issues caused so much stress and mental breakdowns. I felt horrible going back to work the next day.  I started bringing in baked noms as a way to say thank you for putting up with me. When I had to be out because of a double ear infection, I felt so guilty. When I was out because of my wrist tendonitis that keeps coming then going I felt horribly guilty for not being able to have humans count on me. I let everyone down, I can’t go back. How do I go back after all this? How can I possibly go in again when I can’t be counted on to stay my whole shift? How did I have this job for so long?

I mean sure I gave that job my best, pushing myself to my max week after week. January-August of last year I don’t remember anything that happened. I can remember a small handful of memories but I blacked out due to stress, insomnia, and other mental illness shit. I once asked “does anyone else feel extremely guilty to the point they can’t leave their bed when they call out or is that just me?” It was just me, since the coworker I asked never called out, the manager informed me that I was the only one who felt that way. I called out a lot, due to ear infections, wrist tendonitis, sinus infections, back pain, and once because I had 8 panic attacks in one day and I couldn’t calm down. I worked through a fever one night because dinner rush seemed like it was never ending.

The worst time I had to leave was with a newly hired supervisor, and counting me only 3 closers. I was supposed to be on register, however, I was told I wouldn’t have to be on register anymore. So being told I was on register was instant anxiety attack which I couldn’t keep in, tears where already starting because I cry with every emotion I have. I couldn’t walk over to the registers without falling apart, it took me 2 hours to try and stand up from the chair to help out. I couldn’t do it. I ended up having to leave because I couldn’t breathe. After that shift I was positive I would get fired. I wasn’t fired though, but I kept waiting. I hoped someone would murder me so I could be free from the stress and anxiety, but that of course wasn’t an option.

Writing my resignation letter was stressful too, but in a different way. Stressful in the sense that I was guilty for letting humans down for putting myself first.

There were good moments too:

  • I found out I’m worth 4.5 donkeys, which is more ass than I think I’m worth.
  • I made my manager a duct tape canvas of a dragon, because he set me up for a challenge.
    “If I make this paper ball into a trash can what do I get?”
    “I’ll make a duct tape dragon canvas art thing.”
    He dropped the crumbled up ball into the trash next to him rather than the trash at the other side of the food line.
  • I ate a soggy crouton that was in a bucket of ice all day for $5. Money was involved I couldn’t back down.
  • I almost got to eat steak on the floor for $5, but then my manager realized that I would really do it so he informed me that he was joking. Rude.
  • “Go stock the food.”
    “No. Stock”
    “Master has given Dobby a sock! Dobby is freeeee!”
    “No, you’re not, you have 30 minutes left.”
    “See what I have to deal with?”
  • All of the bakers without them what the hell would happen to the cafe.

That’s all I want to say.


Posted in Life

No, You Can’t Have a Sugar Cookie.

Once again I don’t want to sleep, it takes a hour to fight the nightmares until I finally get to fall asleep. It’s not worth the pain of my PTSD. So I do what I can to not sleep until the point where I’m about to pass out. This way I eliminate that hour of fighting off nightmares.

Some of the ways I keep myself up at night is searching the internet for chezy (cheesy) jokes so that I can tell friends and coworkers later. I make sure the jokes are short one liners but also groaners, because those are easy to remember and usually hilarious on my end. I also have BuzzFeed marathons so I can send links to Science Lesbian and Soul Mate in Friend Form. So when they wake up they can look at the links I picked out for them if they choose to. “I care about you, so you should take this quiz then tell me what kind of ___ represents you because I got this answer.” Or “Here’s this really strange gif. The longer you stare, the weirder it gets… so don’t watch too long.” Are two examples of what the caption might be with the links I send.

I care about my friends more than I do myself. For the humans I really care about I try and put them first. Unfortunately I have a lot of slip ups, due to my mental health and not being able to fight it or deal with myself. When I let the humans I care about down I feel so horrible, especially when I can’t go to work. Not being able to go to work because I can’t physically get out of bed is horrible to deal with. I’ve tried literally rolling myself out of bed (I hit my fan and tried to roll back on to my bed. I ended up falling out of bed faster and getting a bruise on my side later. That was a wonderful metaphor for my life, when life pushes me down, it’s going to hurt, I will have the scars, however later I can look back and laugh at how I thought rolling back on to a bed would work.) When I’m sick is when I feel like I’m the absolute worst human ever. I don’t want to get coworkers sick, with my contagious ear infections aka “I tried to teach myself math and ended up almost dying.” But I want to go to work and be able to do my job, however being sick on top of dealing with my fun box of mental health is horrible. That’s when the whoosh of guilt is the most prominent emotion, plus the guilt ends up staying with me for a couple days just to make sure I know how much I’m letting others down because I got sick somehow. I’ve had to give a couple doctors notes to my managers and in comparison having someone on a bus try to talk to me when I have my headphones on would be a better interaction. I won’t feel bad since I probably will never see them again. However at work when I give a doctor’s note the guilt that surrounds me as I have to walk out of the doors is so overpowering. Constantly reminding me how I shouldn’t be allowed back I keep having to leave all the time I don’t deserve the niceness from anyone. I love what I do, washing dishes, mopping floors, helping out where I can. So after I bring in that doctors note I spend the rest of the day wrapped in my layered blanket burrito crying as much as my stuffy nose will let me about how I don’t deserve the kindness that I am given constantly.

That was the prologue to my post. I tend to give prologues to most of the stories/memories I tell, I can’t help it. I think it’s important to catch humans up on what I’m talking about since most of the time no one knows what I’m talking about. So now here’s the actual reason for this post:

I just watched 5 Undercover Bosses on Netflix in a row. I love seeing how the CEOs give back to their employees on the bottom level of the company, how they are rewarded for their hard work, a lot of them have tragic backstories but you don’t see that at first. As the viewer you just see a hardworking individual who is doing whatever they can do get by as well as make others happy. As I was watching these episodes and getting goosebumps because that’s who I am, I see exciting moments and instantly goosebumps cover my body. I thought what if the company I worked at had an episode on Undercover Bosses, what if the cafe I work at was on that episode?

I knew right away which coworker I think deserves the recognition for all her hard work. I’m not doing this as a way to pick favorites or trying to suck up to this coworker, I’m more writing this post because she is really outstanding on both customer service as well as making coworkers feel good. When I worked on register with her, she was always helping me which was extremely appreciated seeing as I couldn’t handle being on register whatsoever. I would walk in, be greeted with a big smile on her face as well as an exclamation of “POTATO IS HERE!” I would get my drawer for the day then the first thing that would happen before I got the chance to ask anything was a reenactment of what happened in the hours I wasn’t there. This coworker would go all out and act out what I missed, she’s great at those impressions let me tell you! It was like that human was really there!

I made the mistake of deleting her off my Facebook once. I had a former friend tell me I was “toxic to be around” as well as “extremely depressing.” So I deleted pretty much everyone off my friends list on Facebook. The next day at work I was confronted by my coworker then told “You better add me back when you get home!” I was honestly shocked that she noticed I deleted her, it feels weird being cared about. Even though a lot of humans have told me they care and how awesome I am, it’s still hard to believe. I still think everyone is going to ditch me once I open up by getting close enough to trust them it’s happened three times already. But my coworker hasn’t done this, if anything she is there for me and cares. Which still is mind blowing to me.

Sometimes I want to go on yelp to write a review for this coworker…but then I realize that I would be writing a review for the company I work for so I don’t think I’m allowed to do that. So here’s a post on my blog instead.

sneaky bird
My coworker does better impressions, but chezy joke so I had to.