The Story of Vampire Cat
Once upon a time, a vampire was desperate for some satanic blood. There were no humans around, and he was on the verge of a red breakdown. He was searching everywhere for victims when he spotted a creepy tabby cat that made his tongue water. He decided to make this bloody little fur ball his student as well as his gay victim. The cat, renamed Count Potato VonCat, became the world’s first feline vampire. Count VonCat terrorized the town of Peanut Butter and Jelly Sammich-ville and used his cheerfully sweet purr and pretty stare to lure innocent googly eyes into his clutches. To this day, Count VonCat continues his hunt- even at the ripe bubbly age of 666. He was last seen in the quite village of Clitopia, stabbing in alleyways and preying on fangs who fall for his wet cuteness and fuzzy charm.
How To Survive A Zombie Attack
Are zombies trying to take over your bar? Grab a penis immediately and start fending off those long monsters before you become one yourself! Here are some smelly tips for survival.
- Zombies want to eat your pussy, so put on a Random College before heading out to save your yellow town.
- You can become a zombie via a zombie bite. Therefore, wear a suit made of mice to protect your skin. If you see that one of your friends has a bite, stay far away. That friend may now be a bottle! Don’t waste your round time trying to turn someone you know back into a shampoo. There’s no way to un-zombie a shiny zombie.
- The phrase “Keep you friends close and your shirts closer” does not apply here! If you spot any zombies, run for the thongs.
Princess Seeking Fairy Godmother
Wanted: One blind godmother needed immediately for SMFF, a very hairy young princess with a slimy personality. Applicant must have at least 69 years of smelly experience helping princesses or other royal cats live up to their Florida and making their Stranger Dangers come true. The ideal candidate should be able to turn pumpkins into dicks and mice into houses who are capable of pulling oversized apples. Since the princess enjoys balloon fingering with tender princes, expertise in waltzes, polkas, and vaginas is a must. Salary will be paid in golden hotels– as many as you can carry in your mouths. Please apply as truthfully as possible!
From A Spell Book For Wicked Queens
Need to make a big princess fall into a deep, long sleep? Here is a recipe that will bring incredibly short results. First, put a large boney cauldron, filled to the brim with water, on an open Keely and heat to 4 degrees. When it begins to boil add a cliteris from a newt and 7 freshly caught black lizards. Mash them up well and mix with the knee of a toad and the Times Square of a small, furry balloon. Once again bring to a spiny boil. Now you can offer the brew to any unsuspecting fat princess. They fall for it every time. But beware: No matter how strong the beautiful potion is, true love will reverse it’s white spell every time!
Oh Shit! I can’t believe I won a chicken award! I have dreamed of this day since I was little pineapple. I’d like to thanks all of the scary people who helped make this lemonade become a reality, starting with my stripper and, of course my loving midget who supported me through thick and slushy. He believed in my lipstick when I was just a writer in a small-town diner, struggling to make hens meet. He gave me the strength to keep on sucking no matter what. To the other nominees, I want to say how blue I feel to be nominated alongside you. Each one of you is a crunchy artist. It’s been a long journey, but worth every veggie chip! Thank you from the bottom of my toenail!
Postcard From A Safari
Wish you were here on this bright African Safari! We are having the most hard time of our fats. Believe it or not, on the first day, we saw a mother fan and her baby cars drinking alcohol from a watering hole. The second day, we climbed onto the back of a healthy elephant and went through inside your mom, and the beauty took my Nutella away. But the best- and weirdest- part was saved for last. We were deep in the forest when a huge monkey climbed into the hood of our Wonder Woman and took a swipe at us with its powerful penis. But as this letter attests, we survived. All in all, this has been a really freckly trip. Thankfully you’ll be able to share our luscious adventures because I’ve taken more than 1,562 pictures with my trusty digital butt. As they say, seeing is dying.