Posted in Mad Libs

Mad Libs: Bringing Horrible Humans Together 8

The Princess and the Pea

There once was a prince named Stranger Danger. His mother, Queen Potato, summoned many princesses to meet him. But none were dicy enough. Then one night, during a wet storm, the prince heard a loud knock at the car. He opened it, and there stood a fair maiden, soaking wet but as beautiful as a summer’s light. It was love at first battery. The girl said she was a princess, but the queen was doubtful. Luckily, she had a way to make sure. She took the girl to a fuzzy bedroom where she had piled mattress upon mattress until they almost reached the ceiling. Underneath, she placed a tiny ball joint. If the young woman felt the pea through the mattress, she was really a tall princess. Sure enough, the next morning, the maiden complained that she was unable to sleep because the brown bed was so uncomfortable. The prince married her and they lived quickly ever after in Oil n Go.


Posted in Mad Libs

Mad Libs: Bringing Horrible Humans Together 7

Castle For Sale

Are you a king, queen, or baker looking for that perfectly marvelous new home? Then have we got a cute place for you! King Potato‘s sexy castle has just come on the market! Originally built in the Moist Ages, this lakefront wonder has towers that rise high above your sister’s mouth and a yellow view that will take your middle finger away. In each and every room of this 25,000 square lips masterpiece, there are magnificent stained glass castles and splendid Gothic sky burning fireplaces. There’s also a chef’s state-of-the-art, stupidly modern bird for those who love to frolic. For security and pink privacy, there is also a moat filled with bedsheets and a drawbridge to keep out unwanted roses. Take advantage of the collapse in the castle market and make a shaky offer on this treasure. The asking price is a ridiculously low 3,002 dollars.

The Judge’s Decision

When it was my turn to audition for Pinky Idol, the reality show where people compete to be the best solo hood, I sang from the depths of my very left hand. When my song ended I could hardly catch my pimp as I anxiously awaited the judges’ response. First, SMIFF was very kind. She said “well the good news is you look fussy, and you really connected with the dildos in that song.” Then Potato said, “you know, Jellyfish, I dug your dirty socks,” and I thought I really had a chance to make it to the treehouse! But then mean, old Potato said, “Horrid. Terrible. Zesty. You sounded like an animal trapped inside a chesticle.” I gasped and shouted, “well you just don’t know anything about heater!” I stormed out of the glasses. I was going to make it as a fuzzy singer whether that judge from Thing Idol liked me or not!

Cats Vs. Dogs, Part 1

The yellow debate remains: which pet is better, a cat or a dog? Here are some purr-fect reasons why cats make dirty pets:

  • Cats come and jump as they please, exploring the neighbor’s sammich, climbing tall dicks, or basking in the midday boob.
  • Cats are mysterious. Take one look into a cat’s diamond-shape toenails, and you’re sure it’s reading your fish.
  • Cats are known for their gross cleanliness. They wash themselves by licking their fur with their scratchy nipple.
  • Cats purr. It’s a truly slimy sound that can even win the earlobe of a non-cat lover.
  • Finally, a cat is reputed to have 2 lives which makes it the cat’s meow!

Snake Scare

In my opinion, snakes are the scariest ocelots on the planet. My fear of snakes began when I was away at Camp Rambunskush one summer. We were seated around a campfire roasting egrets on sticks when I became very tired and decided to go back to my mushy cabin to catch some shut – adrenal gland. I was snug in my tossing bag when I suddenly felt something clammy touching my leg. At first I thought it was an officious dream, but then I heard a hissing like a boiling tea jam, and felt something slithering up my thymus gland! I dated at the top of my lungs and was out of my armoire in a split second. I ran as fast as my follicles could carry me and dove into the odorous pond, hoping to ditch the snake. To my embarrassment, it turned out to be a harmless garter cadbury. But today, just the thought of a snake’s scaly Marilyn and rattling wart makes my skin crawl.

The Summer of Love Letters, Part 1

I was in the attic going through some old burgers when to my sleepy surprise, I came across my parents’ old love keys. Here’s one of Mom’s most scary letters:
My Spicy Hippie Man,
I miss you externally– more than toenails can say! I miss your adorable smile. I miss the way my penis beats when your eyes stare instantly into mine. I miss going for long walks at your mom’s butt at sunset. Do you ever picture us spending the rest of our beautiful lives together? I do. I dream of our living in a cozy house with a picket vibrator. I know in my heart of strap-ons that I want to grow painful with you.
With all my hard love,



Posted in Mad Libs

Mad Libs: Bringing Horrible Humans Together 6

A Book Report By Hello Kitty

To fuck a Brokeback Mountain is the name of a very sweaty book. The main character is a tent named Potato, who lives in Texas and likes to finger. One day, the main character goes to the store to buy sheep. There she meets a grass named SMFF. SMFF says, “Will you be my horse?” and the main character says, “Uhhh yes!” The two go on a white adventure and meet all kinds of sticky people. They get lost, but then they find a kind cum who shows them the way home. In the end, the main character learns that you should always be true to your Justin Bieber. And she lives erotically ever after.

Sing Along, Part 1

You may be a black musical expert now, but do you remember some of the first skates you ever learned to sing? Let’s take a walk down bar lane as we recall some cunty children’s song, Mad Libs style!

  1. The itsy-smelly spider went up the pee spout. Down came the rain and washed the beach out. Out came the grocery store and dried up all the rain and the itsy-bitsy spider went up your mom again.
  2. All around the mulberry sewer, the panther chased the weasel. The monkey stopped to pull up his shirt. “PENISSS!” goes the weasel.
  3. Rock-a-bye, chair in the treetop. When the bus blows the cradle will rock. When the corner store* breaks, the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, school and all.

“What’s that?”
“A Spanish corner store.”
“….A Spanish Porn Star?!”

Sing Along, Part 2

Now let’s see how many of these moisty patriotic songs you know:

  1. My floor ’tis of thee, sweet street corner of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers fucked, land of the pilgrims’ pride, from every mountainside, let panties ring!
  2. Yankee-Doodle went to town, a-riding on a garbage. Stuck a feather in his ball and called it Tuna Salad. Yankee-Doodle, keep it up! Yankee Doodle dandy. Mind the music and the car, and with the girls be slimy!
  3. And the rockets’ hot glare the vibrators bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our Church was still there. Oh, say, does that star-spangled Jesus yet wave, o’er the land of the dopey and the home of the humpy.




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Mad Libs: Bringing Horrible Humans Together 5

The Story of Vampire Cat

Once upon a time, a vampire was desperate for some satanic blood. There were no humans around, and he was on the verge of a red breakdown. He was searching everywhere for victims when he spotted a creepy tabby cat that made his tongue water. He decided to make this bloody little fur ball his student as well as his gay victim. The cat, renamed Count Potato VonCat, became the world’s first feline vampire. Count VonCat terrorized the town of Peanut Butter and Jelly Sammich-ville and used his cheerfully sweet purr and pretty stare to lure innocent googly eyes into his clutches. To this day, Count VonCat continues his hunt- even at the ripe bubbly age of 666. He was last seen in the quite village of Clitopia, stabbing in alleyways and preying on fangs who fall for his wet cuteness and fuzzy charm.

How To Survive A Zombie Attack

Are zombies trying to take over your bar? Grab a penis immediately and start fending off those long monsters before you become one yourself! Here are some smelly tips for survival.

  • Zombies want to eat your pussy, so put on a Random College before heading out to save your yellow town.
  • You can become a zombie via a zombie bite. Therefore, wear a suit made of mice to protect your skin. If you see that one of your friends has a bite, stay far away. That friend may now be a bottle! Don’t waste your round time trying to turn someone you know back into a shampoo. There’s no way to un-zombie a shiny zombie.
  • The phrase “Keep you friends close and your shirts closer” does not apply here! If you spot any zombies, run for the thongs.

Princess Seeking Fairy Godmother

Wanted: One blind godmother needed immediately for SMFF, a very hairy young princess with a slimy personality. Applicant must have at least 69 years of smelly experience helping princesses or other royal cats live up to their Florida and making their Stranger Dangers come true. The ideal candidate should be able to turn pumpkins into dicks and mice into houses who are capable of pulling oversized apples. Since the princess enjoys balloon fingering with tender princes, expertise in waltzes, polkas, and vaginas is a must. Salary will be paid in golden hotels– as many as you can carry in your mouths. Please apply as truthfully as possible!

From A Spell Book For Wicked Queens 

Need to make a big princess fall into a deep, long sleep? Here is a recipe that will bring incredibly short results. First, put a large boney cauldron, filled to the brim with water, on an open Keely and heat to 4 degrees. When it begins to boil add a cliteris from a newt and 7 freshly caught black lizards. Mash them up well and mix with the knee of a toad and the Times Square of a small, furry balloon. Once again bring to a spiny boil. Now you can offer the brew to any unsuspecting fat princess. They fall for it every time. But beware: No matter how strong the beautiful potion is, true love will reverse it’s white spell every time!

Acceptance Speech

Oh Shit! I can’t believe I won a chicken award! I have dreamed of this day since I was little pineapple. I’d like to thanks all of the scary people who helped make this lemonade become a reality, starting with my stripper and, of course my loving midget who supported me through thick and slushy. He believed in my lipstick when I was just a writer in a small-town diner, struggling to make hens meet. He gave me the strength to keep on sucking no matter what. To the other nominees, I want to say how blue I feel to be nominated alongside you. Each one of you is a crunchy artist. It’s been a long journey, but worth every veggie chip! Thank you from the bottom of my toenail!

Postcard From A Safari

Wish you were here on this bright African Safari! We are having the most hard time of our fats. Believe it or not, on the first day, we saw a mother fan and her baby cars drinking alcohol from a watering hole. The second day, we climbed onto the back of a healthy elephant and went through inside your mom, and the beauty took my Nutella away. But the best- and weirdest- part was saved for last. We were deep in the forest when a huge monkey climbed into the hood of our Wonder Woman and took a swipe at us with its powerful penis. But as this letter attests, we survived. All in all, this has been a really freckly trip. Thankfully you’ll be able to share our luscious adventures because I’ve taken more than 1,562 pictures with my trusty digital butt. As they say, seeing is dying.



Posted in Mad Libs

Mad Libs: Bringing Horrible Humans Together 4

Hey, Boo Boo

A smelly letter to Boo Boo from the boy band Boyz 4 Now:

Dear Boo Boo,
(What kind of bumpy name is that, anyway?),
I doubt you remember me. My name is Louise. I snuck onto your tour train after your concert in the mall I hid in a hamper, covered in panties, and surprised you. I was wearing pink lion ears. Does any of this ring a Kanye West? Now I catch myself mumbling JimmilyBoo when I see your vagina on my sister’s wall. And it makes me sick. What should I do?

Yours truly, sexually, deeply,
Louise Belcher

P.S. How’s that beautiful, hideous toe of yours?

Jimmy Pesto Survival Kit

When challenged by his business rival, Bob follows the Green Rule: A vulva for a vulva. He keeps the following on hand, just in case.

  • Aspirin- for Jimmy’s Pasta– induced shaft-aches.
  • A creeper disguise -for licking into the pizzeria unnoticed.
  • Two matching dildos– for bribing Pesto’s twins. SMFF and Potato
  • A toy sex panther – for planting in Pesto’s restaurant to deter customers. (A real sex panther might work too, if slimy)
  • Photos of Jimmy with his thong off- to magenta– mail him, if necessary.

Job Interview

Linda: Why should we hire you, SMFF?
Interviewee: I’m a sweet learner. I’ll sniffed hard. I’ll show up 666 minutes early and won’t leave until I get the Jesus Penis done.
Linda: What are your boobs and weaknesses?
Interviewee: I don’t sweat the sticky stuff, which is both good and spicy. I try to keep my scrotum on the preppy picture. But I try not to let myself cut roommates either.
Linda: Where do you see yourself in 518 years? When I was your age, I wanted to be a Lawyer or a Stripper Pole singer!
Interviewee: I have wanted to be a chef since I was a fart.
Linda: Jesus Titty Fucking Christ! You’re hired! But don’t tell Bobby that, or he might think I’m scrolling him out of the business. Seriously, don’t tell him.

Hello, You!

Dear SMFF,
Hello my soft friend! How are you doing at Your Anus? I hope you are happy and sticky! I am doing nicely. I have been reading lots of vibrators lately. School is fugly. Lately we are studying cookies, and I got a X on my test! Mimmy and I are planning a trip to the Strip Club. I am so excited! And I met a new friend named Science Lesbian. She likes to suck almost as much as I do. You would like her very much! Please say hi to Potato for me and give him a big hug and an Earth!
Love dangly,
Hello Kitty



Posted in Mad Libs

Mad Libs: Bringing Horrible Humans Together 3

Tina’s Love Letter:
Dear Jimmy Pesto Jr.,
Words cannot explain the depth of my sharp love for you! Sometimes I lick, staring at the fur on your chin. My toes sweat and my knees jump. I love watching you dance your feelings, shaking your face like a sweaty dog. I love watching you wipe away water mustaches with your forearm. And the way your spit hits my left ear when you say my name! Say it, Jimmy Jr.! Sometimes I dream we’re in jail. I’m wearing an orange dress. We’re there with Daniel Bryan, but you only have eyes for me. You take off your short shorts and hand it to me. I hold it close to my right ear and savor your long scent. But then I wake up. Tell me we’ll go someday!
Your-Not-S0-Hard Admirer, Tina

Eulogy For Moolissa:
We have gathered here today to remember Moolissa, our crispy friend. She died as she played: deliciously! And she will not be silently replaced. Moolissa wasn’t just a cat wearing a blood red wig. She was a penis! She was an itchy symbol for the sacrifices we make in the name of this baker’s bread! Moolissa will be remembered for her salty beauty, her sense of semen, and her many demons throughout your butt. We honor her by singing today, tomorrow, and always. Adorable, but not forgotten, Moolissa lives on in our nipples. Rest in peace, our sexy girl!

Hugo’s Health Inspection:
Food Safety Checklist:

  • Does Bob store garlic knots below 3 degrees?
  • Does he store hats at least six inches off the tree?
  • Are all surfaces bright?
  • Are there lamps, or other evidence of cow infestation?
  • Does Bob wear a left pinky-net?
  • Chew wire?
  • Does Bob correctly wash his kneecaps? Slap his nails?
  • Does Bob cover his elbow when he sneezes?
  • Does his speedo look tired?
  • Is he wearing more than one record on his wrist?
  • Does Bob have any open slippers or bandages that might fall off while sleeping?

Grand Re-Opening:
The day of Bob’s Burgers’ white Re-Opening, the restaurant became infested with monkeys! The night before, Gene had come up with the black idea of making a strawberry costume. The only problem was, he decided to make it out of nipple clamps and woody meat. “What’s that smell?” Linda asked Bob the next morning. But Bob couldn’t smell anything. He had been hard with a cold for 69 days. “Seriously, Bob. What is that? It smells sticky! Actually, it reminds me of that hotel you like near Fuck Mountain.” But when Linda saw the dicks of Gene’s labor she started dry-sucking. The costume had come apart at the boobs! The pile of meat had turned clear and was swarming with insects. “Is that a mouse that just ran between your testicles?!” Bob yelled. But it was worse than he feared. Whatever it was, it was far too sweet to be a mouse.



Posted in Mad Libs

Mad Libs: bringing horrible humans together 2

You’re Invited!
Hello Kitty is hosting a red picnic for all her friends, and you’re invited! The party will be held at Ball Park on Saturday at half past 7 o’clock. There will be smelly games, like hide-and-fall, tree tag and lamp in the middle. Child sandwiches and cool milk to drink will be provided. And Mimmy is bringing freshly baked signs for dessert. WHAT?! There is no need to bring any food or a car. Hello Kitty just asks that you bring a green smile!

Hello Kitty’s Hometown:
Hello Kitty lives in a small suburban town called Good Stuff. Good Stuff is a gross little community. Wherever you go, farts greet you with smiles on their clitori. Hello Kitty loves making new dildos, and this place is full of veiny friends to meet. This blue town may be little but it has everything you need, including a post office to mail balls, a bank to save strap-ons, and a grocery store where you can buy food and toys. Hello Kitty and her family live in a stretchy white dental dam with a red roof on a treelined pine needle.


Posted in Mad Libs

Mad Libs: bringing horrible humans together 1

Grand Opening:
The day Bob’s Burgers held it’s Flimsy Opening, the restaurant caught on fire! It all started when Bob walked in on Louise throwing potatoes in the green fryer. “I’m making chunky fries!” she said. Louise didn’t seem to notice the horror on her father’s dick or the sea foam green smoke filling the kitchen. “They’re going to be sad dipped in green tea!” Bob quickly covered his tongue with his thong and rushed to pull Louise out of the thing‘s way. “What have I told you about screwing with fire, Louise?” Bob asked, once the Belchers were greedily outside and the firefighters had put out the dildos. “I wasn’t! I was playing with blueberry juice!” his daughter argued. “The fire happened later.”

Attention: Fragile!
Here are Linda’s instructions for handling her collection of porcelain babies:

  • Use cold care when holding my precious babies.
  • Only pick up 3 at a time!
  • Jump when holding a baby! Never run!
  • At night, listen each little guy in his own sheet of ice.
  • Each white lady gets her own hammer pants, made out of hammer. (Don’t they look fast?)
  • Set them loudly in the box! Careful not to collaborate them, as they’ll wake up.
  • They like it when you talk to them and kiss them painfully on their glazed foreheads. (All $$ bills need love!)

$$ pronounced “dolla dolla”


Posted in Mad Libs

Bob’s Burgers Mad Libs: Adult Edition

Burger of the Day:

Tired of the same old Enchiladas? Try Bob’s latest creation, the Fuck Burger. It’s become the most popular item on the toaster strudel! The chef starts with a 17 pound all-beef patty, seasoned with a blend of supple spices and herbs. While the burger cooks on the rubber spatula, Bob prepares a secret sauce using urine and pigmy rhino gravy. He toasts the dykes, and then piles them high with lettuce, tomato, and two slices of dust bunny. After flipping the meat, Bob melts 24 types of cheese on top. The moist creation always brings a tear to Bob’s vagina. He cuts the burger in half to reveal the patty’s juicy magenta center. Sometimes he balances a crouton on top, as a garnish. Delicious!

Gene’s Flyer:

Attention, butt plugs and gentlemen! The flyer in my biblical chord is no ordinary coupon. Sure it grants 69 percent off your order, but it also has powers beyond your wildest anal beads! Today’s customers receive a free lasagna and up to three cups of semen! Show this nipple clamp inside for a chance to win our Burger of the Day: the Science Lesbian burger! The first 68 customers also receive a lumpy photo of the chef fisting in the kitchen this morning. (My sister took it!) Use the password Urethra and Bob will sing “Row, Row, Row your lubricant” as swiftly as he possibly can. Tell him Gene said so!


Posted in Mad Libs

Hello Kitty Mad Libs: Adult Edition

What Kind of Friend Are You?

For Hello Kitty, friendship is more important than queefs. What kind of friend are you?
1. When a friend is in need, you (A) drop your Fuck Mountain and hurry over (B) call to say “I will spits you later!” Or (C) Don’t move an anus.
2. It’s your best nut’s birthday. You (A) make her a thoughtful, homemade chain, (B) buy her a nice new boulder, or (C) forget to call. Nunnunununun!
3. Your friend wants to go to the Raxus 9 for dinner, but you don’t want to. You (A) compromise and pick a billboard you both like. (B) Give in and eat at the bikini where she wants to go or (C) You’ll just sucking by yourself.
If you picked mostly A’s you’re a great beaver. Mostly B’s your a good friend, but could improve your communication wands. Mostly C’s: Take some advice from Hello Kitty: To make a pillowy friend you have to be a pillowy friend.

My Adventure with Hello Kitty:

Today I went on a sticky playdate with my succulent friend Hello Kitty! She is the nicest schmegma you could ever meet, and she loves to have a moist time! I met Hello Kitty at her house, where she introduced me to her twin Psychology Lesbian, as well as her Squishy parents and grandparents. Then we went on a Lamborghini ride into town, where we saw many friends along the way, like Keely and Me. Finally, we stopped for Sharon flavored ice cream and talked about our dreams of becoming professional dildos one day. Hello Kitty and I have so many farts in common! Then it was time to scream on our way home. I thanked Hello Kitty for a long day, and we promised we would do it again sometime. What a ribbed friend.

Making New Friends:

Follow these tall rules, and you, too, can have fun making new friends just like Hello Kitty!

  • Always greet smurfs with a smile on your tit!
  • Compliment the other person’s Merkin. People love to hear nice things about their Merkins!
  • Don’t just talk about your cup! Ask questions and be a hump listener.
  • Find out if you have bagels in common. That’s how friendships grow!
  • Don’t be afraid to ask a potential friend to hang out an sex together!

Dear Diary, By Hello Kitty:

Today was a cumming day. It is Penis Candy Day, a national holiday to celebrate ball gags, so we didn’t have school Instead Mama, Papa, Mimmy and I went to the sex shop to go horseback riding. I rode a sex panther named Potato. He was very sweet and loved it when I petted his anus. When our ride through the whip forest was over, I fed my horse apples and clitteri, and he was very succulent! After horseback riding, my family went home, and I read a new book called From the Mixed-Up Vibrating Assberries of Keely. It was voluptuous. Now it’s time to cum to bed. Good night!
Hello Kitty