I hate the fall season. At first it was only winter that I hated. But I hate fall too. Whenever asked what my favorite season was I would answer summer. I am one of those humans that prefers to be sweating than be freezing. Sometimes it gets to the point where I am way too hot to move but then I remember ‘at least I don’t have hives right now.’ Plus if I wait long enough my sweat will dry and I’ll be freezing and in a sweatshirt shivering. In summer I get to experience all the seasons! The pros/cons of being allergic to cold weather.
Yesterday it was in the 50’s I was summoned to go over to my former job and visit. I also made some pumpkin chocolate chip bread. So I was bringing some of that over to share. I actually texted Blue Gigglez to see when he was working, because he loves that bread and I love seeing other humans happy when I present them with my noms. It makes me feel useful in life. And with it being Autumn right now, feeling useful is a good thing for me. The walk which took about 5 songs was nice and upsetting. Nice because I like walking places, I listen to my iPod (Peeves) while having a lip sync battle with myself, you never know when you will get invited to have a lip sync battle with Jimmy Fallon. I’m in it to win it. I’ve been doing this since 2010ish or anytime I walked to work, a bus stop, goodwill, pretty much if I’m walking and I am listening to music there is a lip sync battle taking place. I can’t sing, but I’m great at lip syncing. Anyway, I was walking over and within 2 minutes or so my legs began to become itchy. Shit. I still had a little ways to go before I reached my destination, and the hives had started. I didn’t want to turn back home, because I was on a mission damnit. The itchiness was not because of my anxiety, or other mental health issues, no it was because I’m allergic to the cold weather. So around this time I like to hermit. Sure it does shitty things to my already getting worse mental heath, but at least I’m not having hives.
My depression worsens around Autumn. The seasons change so my allergy to the cold kicks in. Which means I get hives that don’t go away for at least an hour. I always thought it was normal to go outside and be extremely itchy within a couple minutes. I also thought it was normal to faint all the time during puberty. Neither of those things are normal. But I didn’t want to be that person who asks “is this normal?” and have it be normal and then I’m there looking like an awkward human trying to blend in with the wall. I mean it also backfires because I went 22 years going outside always being itchy in the cold weather. As well as fainting whenever I stood up too fast in middle school.
I’ve always been that special child who needs extra attention, but didn’t receive it until it was too late. As a result I have cursed so many unborn children. I feel like a witch in those fairy tales. It’s great. I am on the autism spectrum as well as having Trisomy X. Sometimes its great because I can appreciate those offensive jokes about autism and having extra chromosomes. But it also sucks because I have these issues so learning things is difficult, understanding things takes awhile to stick. Example: It took me at least 10 times to be shown how to make coffee in a coffee pot at my former job. I’m a special potato. I didn’t want to have humans be disappointed or think that I couldn’t do something, so I would say that I understand things, even though I would end up staring at the coffee maker hoping it would tell me how to use it properly, because that was so much easier than asking for help, obviously.
I was going to make this post either about my tattoos and what they mean, or write a Dear Human post. Which is basically me writing a letter to someone who is no longer in my life. Coping skills I learned in therapy. One of the few positive coping skills I learned in group therapy that is. Group therapy is not for everyone, no matter how much humans will tell you to go to group therapy, if you know it’s not right for you, don’t go. I had a premonition of what would happen if I went to group therapy and it ended in me going back to a mental hospital, or jail. Probably mental hospital because I was not mentally stable at the time. And I’ve seen enough Law & Order SVU to know that show is fake, but still I would probably be sent to a mental hospital (again) over jail.
This post ended up being a way to wake me up a tad bit. Having depression means I sleep all the time. I miss having insomnia last year, I wasn’t sleeping all the time. In fact I was rarely sleeping. Ugh depression I either sleep too much or not enough. This is my life.
I can’t move some place warm because I don’t have the funds for that.
When I have insomnia I can’t sleep, even if I want to. Your articles about why sleep is important aren’t helpful.
I can’t smile, it’s against my religion. (I told that to a customer who told me ‘you could at least smile.’)
I have no idea what my sexuality or gender is anymore. I don’t really want to find out, because it’s a surprise for what the day brings.