Despite me wanting to curl up to bawl my eyes out feeling the wave of “oh shit” moments hit me in the face I don’t think I deserve to feel this way. I’ve worked too damn hard to be in good spirits to have this wave hit me knocking me down into a depressed mushy potato. I had a good day today, except for one little hiccup, which of course Scott took over and ran every possible worst case scenario in my head. Fuck Scott. Why does he have to do this to me? Scott being my anxiety, for those who are confused. My anxiety named itself, which only makes sense seeing as I name everything else. I have a Rock Band, they recently went on tour. (I moved them from one side of my room to the other)
Today I adopted a bear. His name is Bun Bun and he’s a gay leather daddy. Except he doesn’t have any leather…yet! I get to visit Science Lesbians soon! So Bun Bun might be able to receive leather, I have to write down his measurements first.
Writing this post is counteracting that I still want to bury my face in Bun Bun’s leg and cry. (I still might end up doing this) I still feel like this is punishment for holding into my feelings, not acknowledging them, for the fear of being hurt. I’m very good at ignoring the elephant in the room, I understand that its there, I just don’t want to deal with it. So yes, I’m ignoring it. I do this with my feelings towards certain humans because I don’t want to mess things up. I don’t want this burden of not being able to hold a friendship because I get attached to the jokes, to the comfort, to the understanding. It’s hard to let go of friends because I did something stupid to terminate the friendship…well looking back all the reasons for terminating most of my friendships is because of valid reasons. One time in particular was because I chose the shopping cart over someone, which yes it was stupid, yes I wish I could have a redo, but too much time has passed and I don’t deserve the forgiveness. Where was I going with this?
I really wish that I knew what to do with my life. I’m terrified of looking for a job, I’m at the “now what?” stage. Class ended a couple weeks ago, every time I look through the newspaper for jobs I have so much anxiety I just want to cry. I see places that say they want someone who is experienced for a full time, fast paced job. Is it just an American thing where cafes need to have everything be fast? I rather have a coffee where a barista takes their time to make it be delicious, rather than a barista who rushes to get a drink done within a couple minutes for a deadline, making a mess of powders or coffee beans as they scoop, dump, pour products into a cup. Perhaps it’s just my anxiety but seeing a mess of counters says more about wanting to rush an order rather than making sure it’s right. Why does everything need to be rushed? When rushes happen stress happens. Stress causes break downs.
“It’s complicated.” What does that even mean?
This is my Rock Band. Kk the llama rock, Bob the Boulder, Peaches, Shit Nugget, Melvin, Squire Spud, Petunia, and King Momo. Lucifer aka Luci has recently been added, a photo with her has not been taken yet. The surfer duck is their manager and the unicorn is their number 1 fan. The troll behind the unicorn is a creeper, hence being a troll.
The caption for this one: “How single am I? Well I’m hugging a teddy bear in Costco…sooooo”
Here I am with Bun Bun. This picture shows how Bun Bun makes a great pillow. Also my chest pillows are ginormous in this picture…and in real life. No wonder I have back pain. Shit look at the size of those unwanted things!
P.S. If the radio could stop playing *those* songs that would be great. Current song? You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift. I love TSwift, just not when her songs hit me in the feels.