I suppose it’s a good thing I don’t have deadlines for blog posts. That would suck, because then I would be fired, since they wouldn’t be on time…ever. I’d be like Shigure from Fruits Basket if I had a publisher, make her cry with my shenanigans. Lots of updates coming this way, well it feels like a lot in my mind, I’m not sure if it is actually a lot. I need to release some thoughts and free up some space. Perhaps this way I won’t be so stressed….haha just kidding, I have anxiety there’s always going to be something for me to worry about unfortunately. “Think about something else” if you tell me that, you better have something for me to think about, plus be ready for me to put all my thoughts on that said subject. “worry about yourself” is another phrase that sucks, because then the doors of worrying about mental health issues open up, I’ll be holding back tears trying to fight the wave of memories.
I write excellent beginning paragraphs.
A week ago I graduated from CKA!!! It was very exciting, I’m not sad surprisingly. I knew I was ready, I’m very proud of myself. I went through a lot to finish this class: 1 concussion, 1 trip to the ER, 2 flesh wounds, 1 burn, handful of anxiety attacks, a couple of screams to release stress build ups, doing nothing to refill my energy, and lots of positive self talk so I wouldn’t let myself down. On August 8th-19th I’m going to visit the Science Lesbians! So when I come back I will start looking for jobs. Plus this way I can relax without being too anxious about starting a job then going on vacation for 11 days or so.
I don’t miss the unnecessary drama that was caused towards the middle of the class. Why do humans have to cause drama with me? I try my best to stay away from drama, which explains why I never know the gossip at my former workplaces, I have enough issues in my life I don’t need to have the stress of some pathetic human saying I hit on them because I turned them down when I was asked to go on a date with them. Fuck that noise. I can’t flirt, so to be told that I apparently hit on someone was news to me…and not the exciting kind. However to be told by my classmates that they are on my side was extremely helpful. Knowing that, I didn’t care what this human scum tried with me next. I stayed professional near her, while I continued on with my life to succeed.
I had this epiphany last week, are my anxiety attacks getting worse the older I get or have they always been this way? Then I realized that I’ve always had anxiety attacks, my family just didn’t know what they were, they called them temper tantrums. They weren’t though. I was having extreme anxiety attacks. However since no one knew what theses attacks/outbursts were, they weren’t handled like they are now.
I remember going to a science center in NH (when I was 5 maybe) with my grandparents and a sibling. One of the exhibits that I went into was set up for small humans to see how a small rodent of some kind lives. So there was a tunnel that was under the floor for small humans to crawl through, and secret compartments for hands to go and guess what was being touched. To get to said tunnel, you had to climb down a short ladder. I went down and almost instantly began to cry, there was little to no light; I’m not a fan of being in the dark (which is still one of my fears now) so I was scared. Little humans when they cry aren’t soft whimpers, no they’re full on screams. So that’s pretty much what I did. I couldn’t bring myself to climb back up the ladder back to “safety” I was paralyzed in fear. I remember my sibling telling me I had to climb back up, my grandfather was extremely embarrassed for the scene I was creating. Obviously I was able to get out, I don’t remember how, but I very vividly remember that I made my grandfather extremely embarrassed. Years later that story was talked about how my grandfather was upset that I did that. Whenever I heard that story with that commentary added on, I would stay quiet I felt so guilty. I couldn’t control my outbursts when I was a small tot, they would just happen.
Another time was when I was at a sleep away camp. The counselors told the older campers that we were going to go and pick up the trash around the camp. We were instructed to wear clothes we didn’t care about that much. I was the only one excited to pick up trash, everyone else was complaining. We were also told to take off any jewelry that we had on. I questioned that because why should we take off jewelry to go pick up trash? I still took off my 30+ rubber bracelets and put them somewhere safe in my cabin. Turns out that picking up trash was a cover story for actually going to the sports field to throw a flour and water mixture at each other. I was so upset! I really wanted to pick up trash, but instead there was going to be a sticky, messy, wasteful food fight on the sports field?! I think I exclaimed “wait we were lied to?!” then ended up asking if I could sit this one out. When we got back to our cabins, all of the girls went to take showers to get rid of the flour/water clumps covering their bodies. Since I did not participate with that disgusting and wasteful activity I went to put my bracelets back on my wrist. I hid them in a very “safe” place because I couldn’t find them at first. They were not where I thought I put them, they weren’t in the second place I thought they were either. Or the third place! I started hyperventilating while yelling “where are my bracelets?” One of my counselors came over to me trying to calm me down, she told me to lay down along with “everything is okay.” (That is one of the worst things to tell me when I’m having an anxiety attack, I tend to escalate even more) She told everyone in my cabin to give me space, she also instructed another girl to go wet a washcloth with cool water for my forehead. Someone found my bracelets which were on the top of the pile of dirty clothes in my hanging laundry bag. I was able to put them back on and slowly calm down after that. This episode was never spoke about again during my time at camp.
Those are the 2 main memories I have that I realized that I’ve always been having anxiety attacks, I just didn’t know at the time that they were anxiety attacks. Perhaps my life would be a little different if I knew earlier in life that I have Trisomy X/Autism. Then again, it probably wouldn’t.
Whenever I have anxiety attacks I always try to hide myself, I don’t want to seem like a burden to others, I don’t want to have humans be embarrassed to be seen with me while I have these anxiety attacks. Luckily I now am able to easily bounce back to be alright again, but that underlining guilt is always with me.
Anxiety fucking sucks, however it’s good to keep around when I experience my anger attacks. Since my anxiety manages to stop me from doing whatever it is when I’m angry. Well when I’m medicated I have more control to not give in to the anger. I still have the extreme guilt for throwing a dish rack at a former coworker because of an anger attack which I wasn’t able to control. That was one of the big moments that I knew I had to leave my former job. I still don’t like going over there much because of all the guilt. Plus the cartoon boogey monster that basically talk about keeping employees. When I was giving my 2 weeks notice the cartoon boogey monster were being taped on top of the oven. This of course stalled my 2 weeks noticed being sent, the overwhelming guilt that clouded me whenever I would walk by said picture had me debating if I could send my notice or not. I cried myself to sleep over this guilt for a couple nights, until I couldn’t take it anymore. Why were these pictures and charts placed where all the employees could see it is something I never could figure out. I sometimes wonder if I should walk over to my former job to bring noms for former coworkers, but the extreme guilt of daily anxiety attacks while on register, throwing a dish rack at a former coworker, being asked “where’s my bread” every time I saw one coworker, it gets too much. I end up having to sit down to calm down my heavy breathing.