I usually say things that shock others not the other way around. The other day in class one of my classmates asked how old I am. I responded “24” after a slight pause because I had to think about it. I always forget my age. My classmate was surprised she thought I was 18, because I act immature. She let me know she didn’t mean that in a rude way, I laughed, “being immature is more fun.” I responded. She then said “you are very intelligent though.” Which is when I was shocked. I tend to not believe humans when they tell me this except she was the second human to say this to me that week. Being told “you are intelligent” made me step back in my mind as a wave of flashbacks bombarded me.
When I hung out with the Testicle (not her real name) she would always put me down, making me feel worthless, then say she only did this “because I care about you Keels.” Being friends with the Testicle was my first abusive relationship. I would start to internally put myself down, insulting myself to the point where telling myself “you are such a fucking cunt” didn’t sting anymore. By putting myself down I was able to build up a wall so insults couldn’t break me. I also had this thing with another abusive friend, Shopping Cart. (I give fabulous nicknames…Shopping Cart is obviously not his real name) Hanging out with Shopping Cart, made me feel like living life on the edge, it was a terrifying rush that I didn’t want to stop. I was so depressed that I didn’t see how horribly shitty he was. I had Shopping Cart manipulating me while Testicle told me how I should care about my body more, I should do this and that if I wanted Shopping Cart to like me.
Have you ever hung out with someone because you were so lonely, even though they were an abusive friend to you? That’s what it felt like for me when with the Testicle. I somehow was able to distance myself from the Testicle never looking back. As for Shopping Cart, that took a little longer to get over unfortunately. I was so convinced that I did something to push him away. Now when I look back I ask myself “How the fuck did that even begin?” He told me when he first met me he hated me, I asked him “Have we met before?” We had.
~FLASHBACK SPIRIT FINGERS~
It was holiday shopping season winter 2012, I was extremely caffeinated, the closing manager just locked up, I was getting a ride from a coworker when I saw this figure in the distance. I thought he was a stray shopping cart. I very loudly said “the doors are locked and there is a shopping cart still out here! I thought we got them all! Ermahgerd it moved…oh wait that’s a person.” I’m very subtle. He was sitting on the curb in the dark. Who does that? Fucking creepers that’s who.
~FLASHBACK OVER SPIRIT FINGERS~
After that encounter I forgot all about him, until the next summer when we worked together. The following 8 months were hopefully a once in a lifetime experience. His tattoos attracted me…until I saw what some of the designs were: “M.O.B.” (Money Over Bitches) across his chest, a skeleton pimp with a fish in its platform shoe, featuring a girl on her knees on his leg. The shopping cart is one of those fuckboys that thinks he’s black. So as you can imagine I dun fucked up, but thankfully I am no longer in contact with him.
I am graduating from CKA on Tuesday! I have great relationships with friends now. I ditched those who aren’t great for me. Ditching friends is one of those tasks that is always hard for me, but I need to do it. So I guess I am intelligent in some ways.