Hello, I would like to give up my anxiety I’m completely done with this unnecessary anxiety. It’s not saving me from anything in fact it’s actually the complete opposite! This unnecessary anxiety is making my life hard to do things I want to do. Thankfully I don’t have the daily panic attacks, because of sensory overload, however counting change when I need to buy things still gives me those hiccups. I start apologizing because I’m taking forever counting dimes and nickels because is that 80 cents? I’ve counted the coins 3 times, each time getting different answers! No one will be behind me but the countdown in my head is going TICK TICK TICK. Deep breathing has been working but I need to block out all the noise in order for that to happen. Block out then noise is easier said than done, since all the noise is inside my head.
Another example of unnecessary anxiety is over time management. I can’t be late to appointments, I’ve already scheduled. I said I will be there so I’ll be early! I CAN’T BE LATE! I need to be at least 20 minutes early, if I get somewhere too close to the starting time I have anxiety attacks. I didn’t prepare myself enough. I didn’t have enough time to talk myself up, give myself the eternal pep talk about how I can do this. I can get through this appointment, I won’t die today! I CAN DO THIS! When I don’t have that pep talk while waiting for whatever it is, the anxiety comes out full blast. I need to listen to music as I give myself my pep talk. I need to get lost in the lyrics and beat of these songs as I tell myself I can make it!
I hate having anxiety attacks in public. It’s the worst because I’m trying to keep it in. I don’t want humans to see me like that. I pull my hair (reason why I now shave it) my hands need to grab at something. My whole body is shaking, breathing hurts, my eyes fight the tears from falling. Tears win because I cry when I experience more than one emotion at once. It sucks. Anger + anxiety? Tears. Laughter + anxiety? Tears. Anxiety to the max? Tears. Guilt + anxiety? Can’t get out of bed because TEARS! I had anxiety attacks a lot when I was working, by a lot I mean it was every shift I had to run to the back. The wall and I became really close, who needs a shoulder to cry on when you can have an entire wall to support you and hide your face! It didn’t work I’m not subtle, thankfully my coworkers were extremely understanding. Which gave me hope for humanity, but they didn’t deserve having to turn the corner and see me trying to morph into the wall trying to disappear. Luckily I was able to hold in all the anxiety until I got back home so I can just scream it out. I was terrified that some moments I wouldn’t be able to hold in the screams. Anxiety screams are much worse than my jumpy screams. Anxiety screams are 4 or 5 loud body shaking screeches. My body is completely dead afterwards. It’s exhausting having anxiety.
This post is brought on because today I left to go back to Vermont. I had a blast reuniting with my Soul Mate in Friend Form, I didn’t want to leave but also I miss my bed and my World Leader Boobsie! SMFF and I tried 6 taxi places before finally getting someone to answer our phone call. The taxi picked me up at 1:45pm boarding at the bus station was at 1:50, the bus left at 2:05pm. I arrived at the bus station at 1:50. My pep talk wasn’t working because anxiety already took over. I was debating whether or not I should ask a worker if the Vermont bus was already called. I knew it wasn’t because it wasn’t even 2pm. I told my anxiety to shut up and go away. Didn’t work. 3 minutes later the announcement for the boarding for the Vermont bus came on. I got on the bus with my backpack, snack bag (SMFF: “you’re going to get hungry. Get more snacks. I’m acting motherly to you I know.”) and my suitcase is underneath with the other humans’ bags. The time is 2:43pm the bus left the station 35 minutes ago. My anxiety attack lasted 1 hour, luckily it was just a short attack.
Anyone want to take my anxiety from me?