Hey, Boo Boo
A smelly letter to Boo Boo from the boy band Boyz 4 Now:
Dear Boo Boo,
(What kind of bumpy name is that, anyway?),
I doubt you remember me. My name is Louise. I snuck onto your tour train after your concert in the mall I hid in a hamper, covered in panties, and surprised you. I was wearing pink lion ears. Does any of this ring a Kanye West? Now I catch myself mumbling JimmilyBoo when I see your vagina on my sister’s wall. And it makes me sick. What should I do?
Yours truly, sexually, deeply,
P.S. How’s that beautiful, hideous toe of yours?
Jimmy Pesto Survival Kit
When challenged by his business rival, Bob follows the Green Rule: A vulva for a vulva. He keeps the following on hand, just in case.
- Aspirin- for Jimmy’s Pasta– induced shaft-aches.
- A creeper disguise -for licking into the pizzeria unnoticed.
- Two matching dildos– for bribing Pesto’s twins. SMFF and Potato
- A toy sex panther – for planting in Pesto’s restaurant to deter customers. (A real sex panther might work too, if slimy)
- Photos of Jimmy with his thong off- to magenta– mail him, if necessary.
Linda: Why should we hire you, SMFF?
Interviewee: I’m a sweet learner. I’ll sniffed hard. I’ll show up 666 minutes early and won’t leave until I get the Jesus Penis done.
Linda: What are your boobs and weaknesses?
Interviewee: I don’t sweat the sticky stuff, which is both good and spicy. I try to keep my scrotum on the preppy picture. But I try not to let myself cut roommates either.
Linda: Where do you see yourself in 518 years? When I was your age, I wanted to be a Lawyer or a Stripper Pole singer!
Interviewee: I have wanted to be a chef since I was a fart.
Linda: Jesus Titty Fucking Christ! You’re hired! But don’t tell Bobby that, or he might think I’m scrolling him out of the business. Seriously, don’t tell him.
Hello my soft friend! How are you doing at Your Anus? I hope you are happy and sticky! I am doing nicely. I have been reading lots of vibrators lately. School is fugly. Lately we are studying cookies, and I got a X on my test! Mimmy and I are planning a trip to the Strip Club. I am so excited! And I met a new friend named Science Lesbian. She likes to suck almost as much as I do. You would like her very much! Please say hi to Potato for me and give him a big hug and an Earth!