I’m visiting my Soul Mate in Friend Form from March 25- April 6th, even though it’s only been 3 days it feels like 100. I guess that’s says a lot about our bond. We’re not sick of each other and even if we were, we know how to give each other space. The only thing that she has been complaining about me is because I’m “suffocating” her with my farts. I’m not sorry, because farts are hilarious.
We’ve been watching Lifetime movies and Law and Order: SVU so sappy relationship stories then violent murder stories. As well as downloading dating apps to see who is in the area. I somehow managed to have guys Super Like me on Tinder I have no idea how that happened. My best pick up line: “Would you consider yourself a pussy magnet? Those kittens are adorable!” The guy was shirtless holding 3 kittens. So far no luck most of the guys are in medical school which is a no go for me seeing as I have a massive fear of doctors.
Here’s some of the highlights of my visit so far:
Night of March 25
My stomach hurts so my farts are coming out as they please.
“Wow that sounded like a motor boat fart.”
“I’m sorry! I can’t help it!”
“Omg! that smells like Matcha!”
“No it doesn’t!”
“Yes it does! You keep drinking them so you’re used to the smell.”
“Yeah that makes sense.”
“Oh my god! Your matcha fart smells! It’s creeping up on me, I’m suffocating right now! It’s lingering! It’s like your fart is a ghost and won’t leave until I smell it.”
“Yeah my fart is a ghost and poking you on the shoulder…smell me and I’ll go away.”
. . .
“Are you kidding me? It’s like Matcha fart the sequel.”
. . .
“I can still smell it. I hope you’re happy with yourself.”
“Yeah…oh this is pretty bad.”
“Now you can smell it.”
“Yeah the wind blew it in my face.”
“If I wake up because of that smell I’m going to murder you.”
“Save my laptop.”
“You won’t be able to use it.”
“So? Save it anyway.”
“Fine I’ll put it in the grave with you.”
All of a sudden my Soul Mate in Friend Form yell yawned.
“What the hell was that?”
“Oh sorry I sometimes yell when I yawn”
“I almost farted. I fart when I’m scared.”
“Can you imagine a super power where you fart and knock out your opponents? Talk about a nasty ass smell!”
Night of March 26
While watching Jurassic Park 2 during the scene of the Trex in San Diego, SMFF and I hear two girls screaming at each other outside. Jurassic Park is muted so we can hear them bitch at each other. SMFF subtly looks out her window while on her bed whereas I was on my air mattress so I didn’t have the gracefulness to go on her bed to look out the window. Instead I crouched right in front of the other window to watch them. The screaming stopped because the two girls totally saw me. I was banned from looking out the window for the rest of the night.
Night of March 27
Told SMFF how I didn’t want to go downstairs to watch her make dinner, so she spilled the spaghetti noodles on the ground. I helped her pick them up. I told her I’d make the cupcakes, she let me know it was planned that I’d be the one to make cupcakes. We still ate the spaghetti noodles even though they spilled on the hard wood floor. Homemade spaghetti with mozzarella stuffed meatballs were delicious despite the noodles being whole grain.
Night of March 28
We’re watching Walk the Line. I’m debating if I want to eat the rest of the cupcakes I have for my share. I made 24 all together, SMFF frosted her half since frosting is disgusting so I left mine edible. She questioned how I was able to eat 12 cupcakes all at once. My secret? It’s a fat kid talent…however I was only able to eat 8 at once.