Bittersweet is such a stupid word to describe a memory. When I think of the word I think of something that leaves a gross taste in my mouth…bacon. Sweet in this word makes me think of how humans get excited when they trick someone into doing something they don’t like..fuck you. Bittersweet must then mean “Bacon fuck you.” This was my thought process after leaving the job I somehow managed to keep for 2 years. I’m not saying that I have bad feelings for leaving, I was more thinking of a response if anyone asked me if I will have bittersweet memories thinking back. I was prepping myself for a conversation that will probably never happen.
The hardest part of leaving was because the head manager was so understanding and kind about everything I deal with. I never thought I deserved it, because when I have anger attacks I can’t control what I say or do. Which is terrifying for me, those are the worst kind of anxiety attacks because after fleeing trying to find a corner to calm down enough while hiding myself, I would continue to fight this attack trying my best to bottle the anger back up. It is exhausting and very difficult so when I’m near other humans it’s worse since I don’t know what will happen. I made sure to tell former coworkers I’m sorry for anything I may say or do when I could feel the anger boiling out.
After a year of daily anxiety attacks for being on register, then having to leave my shift because I couldn’t calm down enough to go back out on register I stopped feeling like my manager could count on me to do my job. I was showing how I clearly couldn’t be counted on, I have no idea how I was still employed. The line out the door during lunch rushes, loud noises, hangry humans, counting back change 3 times getting different answers each time, and trying to hear with my auditory processing issues caused so much stress and mental breakdowns. I felt horrible going back to work the next day. I started bringing in baked noms as a way to say thank you for putting up with me. When I had to be out because of a double ear infection, I felt so guilty. When I was out because of my wrist tendonitis that keeps coming then going I felt horribly guilty for not being able to have humans count on me. I let everyone down, I can’t go back. How do I go back after all this? How can I possibly go in again when I can’t be counted on to stay my whole shift? How did I have this job for so long?
I mean sure I gave that job my best, pushing myself to my max week after week. January-August of last year I don’t remember anything that happened. I can remember a small handful of memories but I blacked out due to stress, insomnia, and other mental illness shit. I once asked “does anyone else feel extremely guilty to the point they can’t leave their bed when they call out or is that just me?” It was just me, since the coworker I asked never called out, the manager informed me that I was the only one who felt that way. I called out a lot, due to ear infections, wrist tendonitis, sinus infections, back pain, and once because I had 8 panic attacks in one day and I couldn’t calm down. I worked through a fever one night because dinner rush seemed like it was never ending.
The worst time I had to leave was with a newly hired supervisor, and counting me only 3 closers. I was supposed to be on register, however, I was told I wouldn’t have to be on register anymore. So being told I was on register was instant anxiety attack which I couldn’t keep in, tears where already starting because I cry with every emotion I have. I couldn’t walk over to the registers without falling apart, it took me 2 hours to try and stand up from the chair to help out. I couldn’t do it. I ended up having to leave because I couldn’t breathe. After that shift I was positive I would get fired. I wasn’t fired though, but I kept waiting. I hoped someone would murder me so I could be free from the stress and anxiety, but that of course wasn’t an option.
Writing my resignation letter was stressful too, but in a different way. Stressful in the sense that I was guilty for letting humans down for putting myself first.
There were good moments too:
- I found out I’m worth 4.5 donkeys, which is more ass than I think I’m worth.
- I made my manager a duct tape canvas of a dragon, because he set me up for a challenge.
“If I make this paper ball into a trash can what do I get?”
“I’ll make a duct tape dragon canvas art thing.”
He dropped the crumbled up ball into the trash next to him rather than the trash at the other side of the food line.
- I ate a soggy crouton that was in a bucket of ice all day for $5. Money was involved I couldn’t back down.
- I almost got to eat steak on the floor for $5, but then my manager realized that I would really do it so he informed me that he was joking. Rude.
- “Go stock the food.”
“Master has given Dobby a sock! Dobby is freeeee!”
“No, you’re not, you have 30 minutes left.”
“See what I have to deal with?”
- All of the bakers without them what the hell would happen to the cafe.
That’s all I want to say.