I like to be prepared when I have to be brave so I can leave my house. I have to leave Potato Manor when I need to walk to work or just to get outside to have an adventure aka “Potato’s Day Out.” I love walking downtown, while mentally playing: “How many humans think I’m a tourist? Even though I have lived in the same city for 17 years.” I’m socially awkward, highly anxious, with a dash of laughing at inappropriate moments because I just remembered a joke. So when I walk anywhere I always look at the ground, I know where I’m going because I look at the ground ahead of me. I don’t look up because I’ll see a human, they might try to look me in my eye! I very rarely look humans in the eye. It’s a respect thing for me, I don’t want humans to suck out my soul. By not looking someone in the eye I feel like there’s an understanding going on. The complaints I got at my first job say otherwise. “Cashier wasn’t peppy in the morning.” “Cashier didn’t look me in the eye.” Didn’t look peppy? How I fixed that: I started a caffeine addiction, however then I was too peppy, some might even say out of control. After 3 years of caffeine addiction I realized how badly that backfired. I still don’t look humans in the eye, I’ve looked at their nose, their forehead, over their left shoulder, sometimes their cheek. Never their eyes. I’ve tried, but then next thing I know I’m having an anxiety attack and I need to remove myself from the situation asap! So no, I’m not going to look at someone in the eyes when talking to them. Plus I find so much change on the ground. The other day I found 2 cents! Well actually I found 3, but I didn’t pick that first penny up because the bus was coming and I didn’t want to risk my chances, there was snowy slush around the coin but what if it was stuck in ice? Then the bus would hit me and how do I explain that to humans? I got hit by a bus because I wanted that penny that was in the snow.
Since I like to be prepared I have mental conversations with myself daily. I practice conversations that I will probably never have, but I practice them because there’s a chance I might have them so I need to be ready for that moment! Of course I’m horrible with verbal communication so when that moment does come I’ll just end up flapping my arms as well as derping dramatically because the words aren’t coming out in a flowing manner. True story that happened once. A former coworker told me “anything is possible” which is one of the conversations I have with myself. I was too damn excited that the moment was happening I couldn’t think of my list. Even better was the fact that my manager turned the corner at that moment, looked at me shook his head then walked away. After 2 years at the job I am at now (I’m still in complete shock to be honest….I’m not crying you’re crying.) my manager isn’t surprised anymore.
“Stop derping at me.”
“I can’t. This is what my face does now. Some humans have RBF. I just derp all the time.”
“What’s RBF? Wait no, I don’t want to know.”
“Resting Bitch Face. They can’t help it, their face just does it. I can’t help derping all the time because I’ve derped my entire life now my face is just goes to this form….I can never smile again…”
“That’s really dark.”
“I would like to thank everyone who told me ‘Keely don’t make that face or it will get stuck like that!’ I’ve been trying my best, so now smiling is a chore like facial expression whereas derps are the way to go.” (Actual conversation that has happened more than once.)
Ummm…I forgot the main topic for this post….Wait! I remember now!
30 questions I have for the human to tell me “Anything is Possible!”
- Is it possible for humans to sprout wings and fly off in any direction?
- Is it possible to walk on the sun and not die?
- Is it possible to learn how to teleport?
- Is it possible for me to become a transformer? (So when crossing the street I look more badass)
- Is it possible to refill someone’s bladder when they are annoying you?
- Is it possible to turn invisible?
- Is it possible for the Skeleton War to actually happen?
- Is it possible for robots to eventually take over? (Or have I been lying to the elderly?)
- Is it possible to find a bunch of lesbians at the end of every rainbow?
- Is it possible to find a bunch of gays at the end of every double rainbow?
- Is it possible to find a queer orgy around every corner?
- Is it possible that unicorns only show up in the daytime on Wednesdays?
- Is it possible that you can say ‘bubble’ in an angry voice?
- Is it possible that I’m in a coma and everything is a dream?
- Is it possible that I’m a ghost?
- Is it possible for me to float down the stairs?
- Is it possible for me to wake up and realize that it’s my first day of 7th grade and everything I experienced was a lie?
- Is it possible the next time I trip over nothing I will be transported into a different universe?
- Is it possible to time travel?
- Is it possible to have a conversation with my cat where we are both speaking English?
- Is it possible to summon someone into my room when they are in a different state?
- Is it possible I will get magical powers like Sabrina the Teenage Witch?
- Is it possible for a book to eat me?
- Is it possible that Satan will ever give me my vampire powers?
- Is it possible that I’m already a vampire?
- Is it possible for humans to stop being dicks to other humans in schools?
- Is it possible for rich white old guys to realize that they shouldn’t have a say about what services women deserve? (I’m trying to reference those white elderly dudes against Planned Parenthood)
- Is it possible I will ever know why The Shopping Cart (not his real name, obviously) used me and tried to pimp me out?!
- Is it possible for me me to ever make sense when verbally speaking my mind?
- Is it possible for me to ever understand math and not get to the point of wanting to punch someone due to all my anger of not understanding?
I thought of that list within 30-45 minutes. I was going to make it 100 questions but my mind began to wander. According to my internet history I had a BuzzFeed marathon for 2 hours, then switched over to Reddit for 1 hour. Yup sounds about right.