Posted in Life

No, You Can’t Have a Sugar Cookie.

Once again I don’t want to sleep, it takes a hour to fight the nightmares until I finally get to fall asleep. It’s not worth the pain of my PTSD. So I do what I can to not sleep until the point where I’m about to pass out. This way I eliminate that hour of fighting off nightmares.

Some of the ways I keep myself up at night is searching the internet for chezy (cheesy) jokes so that I can tell friends and coworkers later. I make sure the jokes are short one liners but also groaners, because those are easy to remember and usually hilarious on my end. I also have BuzzFeed marathons so I can send links to Science Lesbian and Soul Mate in Friend Form. So when they wake up they can look at the links I picked out for them if they choose to. “I care about you, so you should take this quiz then tell me what kind of ___ represents you because I got this answer.” Or “Here’s this really strange gif. The longer you stare, the weirder it gets… so don’t watch too long.” Are two examples of what the caption might be with the links I send.

I care about my friends more than I do myself. For the humans I really care about I try and put them first. Unfortunately I have a lot of slip ups, due to my mental health and not being able to fight it or deal with myself. When I let the humans I care about down I feel so horrible, especially when I can’t go to work. Not being able to go to work because I can’t physically get out of bed is horrible to deal with. I’ve tried literally rolling myself out of bed (I hit my fan and tried to roll back on to my bed. I ended up falling out of bed faster and getting a bruise on my side later. That was a wonderful metaphor for my life, when life pushes me down, it’s going to hurt, I will have the scars, however later I can look back and laugh at how I thought rolling back on to a bed would work.) When I’m sick is when I feel like I’m the absolute worst human ever. I don’t want to get coworkers sick, with my contagious ear infections aka “I tried to teach myself math and ended up almost dying.” But I want to go to work and be able to do my job, however being sick on top of dealing with my fun box of mental health is horrible. That’s when the whoosh of guilt is the most prominent emotion, plus the guilt ends up staying with me for a couple days just to make sure I know how much I’m letting others down because I got sick somehow. I’ve had to give a couple doctors notes to my managers and in comparison having someone on a bus try to talk to me when I have my headphones on would be a better interaction. I won’t feel bad since I probably will never see them again. However at work when I give a doctor’s note the guilt that surrounds me as I have to walk out of the doors is so overpowering. Constantly reminding me how I shouldn’t be allowed back I keep having to leave all the time I don’t deserve the niceness from anyone. I love what I do, washing dishes, mopping floors, helping out where I can. So after I bring in that doctors note I spend the rest of the day wrapped in my layered blanket burrito crying as much as my stuffy nose will let me about how I don’t deserve the kindness that I am given constantly.

That was the prologue to my post. I tend to give prologues to most of the stories/memories I tell, I can’t help it. I think it’s important to catch humans up on what I’m talking about since most of the time no one knows what I’m talking about. So now here’s the actual reason for this post:

I just watched 5 Undercover Bosses on Netflix in a row. I love seeing how the CEOs give back to their employees on the bottom level of the company, how they are rewarded for their hard work, a lot of them have tragic backstories but you don’t see that at first. As the viewer you just see a hardworking individual who is doing whatever they can do get by as well as make others happy. As I was watching these episodes and getting goosebumps because that’s who I am, I see exciting moments and instantly goosebumps cover my body. I thought what if the company I worked at had an episode on Undercover Bosses, what if the cafe I work at was on that episode?

I knew right away which coworker I think deserves the recognition for all her hard work. I’m not doing this as a way to pick favorites or trying to suck up to this coworker, I’m more writing this post because she is really outstanding on both customer service as well as making coworkers feel good. When I worked on register with her, she was always helping me which was extremely appreciated seeing as I couldn’t handle being on register whatsoever. I would walk in, be greeted with a big smile on her face as well as an exclamation of “POTATO IS HERE!” I would get my drawer for the day then the first thing that would happen before I got the chance to ask anything was a reenactment of what happened in the hours I wasn’t there. This coworker would go all out and act out what I missed, she’s great at those impressions let me tell you! It was like that human was really there!

I made the mistake of deleting her off my Facebook once. I had a former friend tell me I was “toxic to be around” as well as “extremely depressing.” So I deleted pretty much everyone off my friends list on Facebook. The next day at work I was confronted by my coworker then told “You better add me back when you get home!” I was honestly shocked that she noticed I deleted her, it feels weird being cared about. Even though a lot of humans have told me they care and how awesome I am, it’s still hard to believe. I still think everyone is going to ditch me once I open up by getting close enough to trust them it’s happened three times already. But my coworker hasn’t done this, if anything she is there for me and cares. Which still is mind blowing to me.

Sometimes I want to go on yelp to write a review for this coworker…but then I realize that I would be writing a review for the company I work for so I don’t think I’m allowed to do that. So here’s a post on my blog instead.

sneaky bird
My coworker does better impressions, but chezy joke so I had to.


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