This is an update more to help with my short term memory. If I don’t write something down that thought or memory is gone. Sometimes it will return in a moment, 10 minutes, a day, or a couple months. There’s really no telling when I’ll remember so I try to write it down, if I remember to do so anyway.
On January 9th I went to a Fancy Cat Show, it was absolutely amazing!!! I took 70+ pictures and videos. No anxiety attacks! I asked if I could take photos not only because it was in the handout but because that’s just who I am. When I had conversations with the world leaders I made sure to thank them because in the end they decide humans’ fate. Cats are our World Leaders, humans are slaves to cats. That’s how I live life, I don’t plan on changing that thought. There was a woman who exclaimed “watch out crazy cat lady coming through!” Everyone near by got out of the way, but when I mentioned how cats are our world leaders, and humans are slaves I was the one to get strange looks. I’m used to those looks I get them for different topics I talk about. I think the looks are hilarious, it just means humans aren’t ready for my logic yet.
January 10th while at the mall I decided to go into Yankee Candle because this past fall I started appreciating the love for candles..ermahgerd I really am a basic bitch. Anyway Yankee Candle was having their semi annual sale so while looking at a 75% off table an employee asked if I was finding everything alright. BUT THE BEST PART WAS HOW I WAS ADDRESSED! “Sir, are you finding everything alright?” I was called sir! SIR! ME! I looked up to make sure the employee was talking to me and not someone behind me. Once I realized they were talking to me, they DIDN’T correct themselves and CONTINUED to call me Sir! It was absolutely wonderful! I usually get called “ma’am” which sounds like the equivalent of a crusty, old vagina aka absolutely disgusting. So when I’m called that gross word I ignore humans, by either walking away or fast walking away. Okay sometimes I don’t mean to ignore humans I just figure they’re talking to someone else. I don’t care if it’s seen as polite. Calling other humans a crusty, old vagina doesn’t seem too polite. I realized that the woman who called me sir was actually the manager, I was going to see on my receipt if there was a survey to take to tell about my wonderful experience but I threw out my receipt so no survey was taken.
January 12th at 3am I realized my life made a complete turn around and 2016 really will be the best year for me. After 11-12 years of this dark fog I can finally be able to get better and stay better! I’ve been told I’m too young to suffer from depression, which made me wonder is there an age when it’s acceptable to get depression? 6th grade is when my life continued to get worse, middle school is when things just kept adding on. As if middle school wasn’t bad enough. Rude. I have also been asked “why are you so depressed? What do you have to be depressed about?” At the time I couldn’t answer that question without thinking about every single reason of why I’m so depressed. Which would soon have me in tears having a sad anxiety attack that would last for at least 2 hours. It would suck because at the time I would be working on register and have to deal with humans coming up to me to order, so I would have to push all the depression back down in me, and deal with hangry customers, while counting back their change at least 3 times because that $7 didn’t look like $7. A 5 dollar bill and 2 1’s didn’t look like $7. I have a disability in math, counting is difficult, always has been. Counting change back to a customer when the blender is going on, lots of humans talking, coworkers telling me something, a line out the door, I have no fucking idea how I didn’t scream “SHUT UP! EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP! MAKE IT STOP!” I probably could have done that, I set a customer’s bagel on fire while trying to stop an anxiety attack from happening. My memory has been blacked out a bunch I don’t remember January-July 2015 ever happening. I remember moments and April 3 (my birthday) but as far as I’m concerned most of 2015 didn’t happen.
So to find out at 3am that my life is going to get better was hard to handle. My first thought was “I’m being framed. The government is going to come after me! Fuck, my life sucks enough as it is, why do bad things always happen to me?” After a hour of freaking the fuck out, I realized what actually happened which so then my thought process was “oh wait, this is good…actually this is amazing!” I have been watching SVU for the past 3 weeks, so that might be where the thought of getting framed came from…
January 13th I worked. I do love my job and my coworkers are fun to work with. I had a mission for when I got to work to poke a bunch of container to prove basically that I’m a little shit, however once I got to work I became in the zone of washing dishes listening to my OTP (one true pairing) playlist. I forgot about my mission to be a little shit. Oh well. Instead my thoughts went to creating new characters to maybe start writing again. I currently don’t have a OTP so my playlist doesn’t have the magic it once did. Past OTPs were Drarry (Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter) Shuichi Shindou/Eiri Yuki from the anime Gravitation and most recently Sterek (Stiles/ Derek from Teen Wolf) the pros of being a writer I can create characters for my own pleasure then have them socialize with each other, once they have enough background stories to become alive in my mind. It’s like playing God, but I don’t have to worry about creating a religion for humans to follow.
While washing dishes, thinking about new characters to bring to life I was also enjoying the fun with my coworkers. I tend to swear a lot, so much that I tend to forget that swear is frowned upon. I do try to limit my swearing but my filter doesn’t always catch it, so I’m trying to catch myself! When I was talking to two coworkers I almost said “shut the fuck up” while laughing, however my save was “shut the front door!..but keep the back door open!” That phrase was enjoyed, one coworker said it would be her motto for 2016. I used to say it in middle school because while a bunch of kids would say “shut the front door!” I wanted to take it a step further so I added “but keep the back door open” which can mean anything you want it to, the front door is closed, but that back door has a lot of opportunities, so keep it open! 😉
I called my Soul Mate in Friend Form which lasted 1 hour and 39 minutes. Our conversations are always wonderful, this time we had throwback memories. Swapping memories from our childhoods, ones we’ve told each other multiple times. “I love hearing your stories” – SMFF told me while laughing. I get into the zone when I retell my stories. Especially the ones when I talk about how I defended myself in elementary -high school. “Am I victim blaming? Absolutely, I am a victim and I’m blaming them.”
My monthly sticker pack arrived on the 9th as well. I started that pack up so each month I will get an envelope of stickers! I made cupcakes on the 13th as a celebration for my life becoming better. They have Nilla wafers that are supposed to be on the bottom but ended up rising to the top, some made it others didn’t. The bottom half is chocolate and the top is a cream chez chocolate chip mixture. I have yet to practice using frosting with the Wilton tips, but recently the muffin man gave me a tub of chocolate frosting…placed in my driveway.
I’m still shocked that my life is getting better I keep thinking that this is all a dream. It’s not a dream though, which is a huge relief. I worked so hard for this to happen, I’m really excited it’s finally paying off!
Here’s a picture I put together that describes this post: