Back in 2011 I was website hopping which is like bar hopping I guess except I’ve never bar hopped and I don’t drink, I’m usually alone in my room just on the internet for hours looking at new sites and wondering how I ended up at the sites I’m at. The site I was on had a bunch of descriptions for mythical creatures I didn’t realize this at first I thought I was reading a description about myself. I creeped out my window, “is someone watching me as I live my life?” I had asked the empty room that was probably filled with ghosts who knew I was on to them. I looked at what I was reading which turned out to be a description for changelings. When I read that paragraph everything felt like it was connecting that I was learning more about myself and everything was making sense. But changelings are real right? Wrong. I’m clearly a changeling. I believe it 100% if that makes me seem crazy, well okay then. Honestly crazy isn’t PC the correct term is insane, but I’ll let it slide this time.
I don’t know what the original website I found was, however once I realized that changelings are a real thing I started researching more about them. Real thing to me anyway I don’t personally care if humans don’t believe in changelings or other mythical creatures. It took me years of feeling as though I don’t belong and now that I’m finally coming to terms with myself and s-l-o-w-l-y trying to accept myself I have something to base everything on.
13 ways to know you are a changeling:
- You have never felt like you quite belong.
- When you love someone it is like immolation or drowning.
- You yearn for the Earth, even fantasize about eating it in handfuls.
- Your skin does not seem like your own.
- Metal frightens you.
- Light on shallow water causes you to gasp.
- As do the carcasses of sea lions prepared by taxidermists for the coldly lit cases of dark museums.
- Touch is one of the only ways you know to get back to yourself.
- But with the wrong human it can take you farther and farther away until you almost cease to exist.
- You have repeated dreams of flying even though it takes tremendous effort and feels more like running a race.
- You have abandonment issues without necessarily any obvious cause.
- You are always secretly seeking ways to hurt yourself, as if this might prove to whoever is in charge that your tasks are done.
- Hopefully when you are young you discover something called love. Which is really just another name for going home.
This list is by Francesca Lia Block in The Waters and the Wild. It’s also one of the first lists I saw that I agreed with. One of these doesn’t really apply, or it hasn’t yet anyway. However most of these are spot on, or half of it applies anyway. I don’t fantasize about eating handfuls of dirt but I do have fantasies about living in a box in the woods, I do like the outside I’m just allergic to the cold air and break out in painful hives. Cold air being 60 degrees and below give or take. I’m also allergic to the metal nickel and aluminum in products such as lotions, so in that sense I’m frightened of metal. Not to be confused with Metal as in the music genre.
It’s extremely hard living in this body I’ve tried to dress it up to my liking. I have 7 tattoos and I want so much more! I hope to get an arm sleeve or a leg sleeve, I have never been more relaxed than when I’m sitting in the chair at the tattoo place I go to. I have the scars to prove how my life has been hard. I avoid having my picture taken since I don’t like how I look, so I derp in each picture because at least with a derpy face I feel more like my true self is showing rather than a forced smile.
When I mention to humans that I’m a changeling they tend to ask if I’ve seen the movie Changeling that came out in 2008. I’m not interested in watching a movie, unless it tells me how I can find more like myself or is interesting. I’m not a big movie goer, I find movies hard to follow I’m easily distracted with massive anxiety issues. Going to movie theaters for me is a waste of time, money and just brings unnecessary anxiety. Plus I’m not a fan of Angelina Jolie. I did try to watch the movie but I lost interest very fast and haven’t bothered to try again.
on January 2, 2015 I got this tattoo on my right forearm. It’s one of my favorite tattoos that has so much meaning and looks amazing. All my tattoos have meaning and they look awesome to me, which even if they didn’t have a meaning as long as I thought they look awesome in my eyes that’s all that really matters. I don’t get tattoos for other humans, I get tattoos for me and to dress up this human skin in hopes that I can feel as comfortable in it as I possible. It’s been a struggle and I know it’s going to continue to suck before it gets better, the past 12 years have shown this. I suppose I’m willing to keep on crawling my way back to being fine again. That light isn’t getting any brighter, but it isn’t fading either.