There’s too much shit going on in my head right now. On the outside I’m sitting quietly in my room listening to Epica because it’s calming me down enough to write this post. In my head there is so many thoughts running by my mind, stopping for a second in front of my eyes so I can see them but before I can reach out to capture it long enough and understand the thought it’s gone. Then the next thought is there, by the time I’m trying to remember what that thought was 50 (or so it seems) thoughts have already rushed by. If I’m lucky I can remember that thought in a hour. Usually the thoughts are gone. It’s so obnoxious!! If I don’t write something down the thought is gone. I’ve tried short hand notes to myself but my notes need to long hand because I have no idea what that short hand note was supposed to be.
When texting the Chosen 3 I try and keep it for those 160 characters, if I go over I feel guilty that they are getting this long ass text about nothing. I will rearrange the texts so there’s different words, however I don’t always reread the text before I send it out so then the text doesn’t make sense. I mean most of the times the texts I send out never make sense.
I feel guilty too much. Sometimes the guilt makes sense such as when I have to leave work because of mental breakdowns and it SUCKS. I do blame myself for that though I asked to learn register even though I know that being on register is too much for me to handle. I wanted to be able to learn more at my job and be helpful…however it resulted in a year long of daily anxiety attacks and me having to run away from register since there was too much going on. Every day felt like I was going to die. I would begin to play out moments that wouldn’t happen but there was a small chance they COULD happen. Such as this one:
“Hey Boss Man, if a bear were to come in here would I be able to sacrifice myself and save everyone?”
“Why would a bear come in the building?”
“The Canadians would bring over a french grizzly bear. I don’t speak French, I took Spanish in middle school, but never paid attention. In high school I took Japanese, but speaking Japanese would not go well with this Canadian bear so I would obviously have to just offer myself to the bear!”
“Oh my god. No, I would not let you go towards the bear.”
“Would you block off the front?”
“So I would have to around the back, and sneak attack the bear with my ninja skills?”
“I have to sacrifice myself to the bear! This is a restaurant! There’s food the bakers worked hard on the baked goods and bread! We couldn’t just let the bear eat it all! That’s just disrespectful to the bakers!”
At that point my manger had already walked away and I was now freaking out over the fact that I couldn’t sacrifice myself to the nonexistent bear so that everyone would be saved and the food that the baker made the night before would go unharmed. This conversation was in February and I still think about what would happen if a bear (the animal not to be confused with a hairy gay male. This scenario would not be the same if the bear was hairy gay male) came into my work.
Speaking about bears when I was in college I tried out for a play despite having extreme anxiety, I had 2-3 lines in the play IT WAS AWESOME! Anyway during the audition one of the lines was “aaahhhh bear!” before I read the line I asked the student directors and other students I was auditioning with “Is anyone else picturing a large hairy gay man as the bear rather than the animal? Because that would make the scene so much better.” Everyone stared at me like that was the stupidest thing I’ve ever said to them, which rude I’ve said worse things. My Soul Mate in Friend Form was the only one who laughed, she was one of the student directors. Thinking back I’m totally surprised that I was able to be in a play, considering I can’t act and have such extreme anxiety. The play was SNAFU, and I was in this one about a coyote trying to get out of a coyote gang? I actually have no idea what it was about, I was in the coyote gang and all I remember is I wore this fake leather jacket, jeans, and had my hair in a teased fro that took a week to make it back the way it was! I’m so thankful I have shorter hair, I hated my curly hair. The best part of the play was I got to howl on stage…which meant I got to scream howl. It was wonderful.
Well I’ve listened to this Epica song for 4 loops now it’s a 13:28 minute song I will not do the math for that, you can if you want and leave a comment telling me how long it was. I’m calmer than I was when I started this post, writing helps me a lot. Taylor Swift was my go to music to calm down the anxiety, but since I was told to listen to this song TSwift just doesn’t help the anxiety the same way.
This wasn’t an anxiety attack, this was just a normal thought process.
That’s me as a coyote (November 4, 2011) I’ve lost weight since then, no longer have my nose pierced, have glasses, and my hair is in a buzzcut (Thank Satan!)