Posted in Life

I’m not going to hear you correctly.

I have auditory processing disorder (along with other shit) I don’t have selective hearing. I don’t ask “did you just say …” to be funny, I guarantee my hearing pisses me off more than it does the person talking to me. I have said “what” 5 times in a row before, because I’m still not getting what was said to me. I have given up with responding because I didn’t hear what was said to me and I don’t want to be obnoxious and keep asking “what?” I was always the kid to fuck up the game telephone. My family has told me to stop sounding dumb, they did not say what I heard. I need to l-i-s-t-e-n to what they are saying. Except I am LISTENING to what you are saying, I don’t know why I’m hearing the wrong thing. I’m trying to hear the correct thing, I’ll turn my head to the side so I just hear with my left or right ear. That’s actually worse, I have tuned people out multiple times because I’m haven’t heard them correctly, and they are visibly upset with me.

I’ve had tests done on my hearing. My hearing is excellent so no one believes me when I tell them that I don’t hear correctly. The tests done however weren’t the correct tests. I was put in a sound proof room with heavy duty headphones and was told to raise my hand when I heard a beep. I scored great on those tests so nothing was wrong with my hearing. However I wasn’t tested to see how well I could hear in a noisy room with people talking loudly, and try to figure out what the person in front of me was trying to tell me. I would bomb that test. I receive a high grade on a math test than I would for a hearing test. I put my name on math tests so 5 points right there! 5 points is higher than 0 points.

I started writing down what I heard people say vs what they actually said sometimes dates were even included:

April 24, 2012:
“I’m running out of shampoo.” – Soul Mate in Friend Form
“You have emotional poop?” – Me

April 4, 2014:
“Go stock the food.” – Manager
“Sock? Master has given Dobby a sock! Dobby is free!” – Me
“No. I didn’t say that.”

“Hello sunshine and daydreams.” – Manager
“Did you just say sunshine and dirty dreams?!” – Me
“Well I made this awkward. Can I be daydreams?”
“No, you’re sunshine.”

While I was going into the freezer at work:
“Don’t get locked in.” – Coworker
“Did you just say don’t get adopted?!” – Me

July 14, 2014:
“Did you say you’re going to call me back, then call me your jack off buddy?” -Me
“No! Why don’t you ride your bike downtown?” -some guy who looks like a shopping cart.

July 16, 2014:
“Do you work today?” – my sister
“Did you just say ‘come here dumpling’?!” – Me

July 19, 2014:
“I need more baguettes.” – coworker
“Did you just say: Luke I am your father?” – Me

July 20, 2014:
“Hi, how are you?” – Soul Mate in Friend Form’s younger sister
“Did she just say I’m a stripper?!” – Me

June 2015:
“Okay changeling.” – coworker
“What? Grape Changer? What?” -Me

July 2015:
“You’re a bigot.” – Coworker
“Rude, I’m not a bigot.” – Me
“I said you could just Bic it! To get a close shave for your head.”

July 2015:
“My back itches.” -Manager
“Did you just say: bye bye bitches?” – Me

September 18, 2015:
“Where can I find the forks?” -Coworker
“Did you  say where can I find my 5 year old corpse because I did not hear you correctly.”

November 15, 2015:
“You can take a bath with your duck.” – My grandmother
“Why should I give my brother a vacuum? I don’t want to give my brother a vacuum.” – Me

November 25, 2015:
“Did you take the dogs out recently?” – Birth Giver
I heard:
“Did you make mac n cheese recently?”
I had just made mac n chez for dinner.

I used to write down the names I heard people give me vs their actual names.
Lawsr was actually Lars
Beef was actually Peter
Lynn was actually William
Hare was actually Karin

Plus a years worth of other names I didn’t hear correctly. I have tried to hear what the customer said, but a blender was going off and I didn’t want to say “what?” again, plus extreme anxiety on top of that. The worst was when customers would spell out their names, because I can’t multitask in general so typing what I thought the customer said and now hearing random letters. I would always cringe because now the name on the ticket was just a bunch of random letters, that my coworkers would have to read out or try and pronounce.

My eyes don’t always work either, even with my bifocal glasses on. I’m blind, have auditory processing disorder, horrible balance and a mess of other things. I’m not a hot mess, I’m an awkward mess.



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