Posted in Life

I’m proud of myself, however I won’t vocalize it

I didn’t have a daily anxiety attack yesterday. I don’t know how I should feel about this, since I’ve been having daily anxiety attacks since August or September. I’m not sure when exactly they started but it’s been months. There are 3 different types of anxiety attacks for me:

  • Sadness attacks (easier to deal with)
  • Anger attacks (I have a harder time trying to control my words and actions.)
  • Panic attacks (the longest to get over)

I don’t want to have any anxiety attacks but I would rather have the sadness attacks, because with those I’m just crying my eyes out. Most of the time I don’t know why these happen I’ll be fine and then 5 minutes later I need to stop what I’m doing and hide or find ways to ride out the attack that just ambushed me. I had a sadness attack 2 days ago, I was folding my clean laundry and I had just sent a text that was probably weirder than I meant (words are hard) then the attack happened. I have learned new coping skills: Taylor Swift is my go to for music to calm me down enough. I will not be able to verbally communicate until the attack is over. So texting or even if I have paper and a pen with me will help me communicate.

I hate having anxiety attacks in public, it’s the worst because no matter how many times I say “I don’t care” or “I don’t give a fuck” I care what people say about me. After humans witness me having an anxiety attack it’s hard to want to continue going about life. How do I go back to being myself after a bunch of humans see me pulling my hair, fighting my mind, mumbling to myself “Not here. Please not here.” As well as apologizing over and over to myself and to anyone who has to witness this.

Anger attacks are the worst. Luckily I don’t have them as much as the other two. I’ve only had two anger attacks at work, and that was too many for me. I can’t control what I say or what I do until after the attack. I blacked out during an anger attack which traumatized me. When I came back I had no memory what just happened how long was I blacked out? What just happened? Did I hurt anyone? Did I do something to someone? I always worry about other humans before I focus on myself, which is usually the case for most things in life not just during anxiety attacks. For anger attacks I need to shut my mouth because if I open it I’m going to scream. I’m going to scream out everything, no words just me letting the pain out. Which yes it sounds horrible but looking in the past I’m not throwing anything anymore (slamming my door when I’m at home occasionally, but that’s more for anyone near by needs to stay away from me. My door doesn’t lock anymore, because I broke the lock in my door from slamming it for 17 years) if I can just scream out the pain, then I’ll be fine later. Although I will be completely drained and extremely guilty, but that’s what I feel after all the anxiety attacks. The guilt lasts longer than having my energy drained.

Panic attacks are when there is too much distraction going on. There is too much going on and I need everything to stop. However that’s not how life goes, I just can’t yell “STOP” in the middle of a busy time. I also can’t just flee. I have to hold in the anxiety, I have to hold in my panic, I have to hold everything in until I can’t take it anymore. No matter how much I try and understand how to deal with the panic attacks each one ambushes me, even when I’m expecting it! I know it’s coming, but I can’t do anything to stop it. So I’ll just be shaking, stumbling over words, saying the wrong thing, trying to look like I meant to just say that odd phrase. I didn’t and I have to continue to act like everything is fine. During these attacks I rather be in a dark alley about to get killed. Yes during panic attacks I rather be murdered than have someone see me about to break down because I’m losing the battle in my mind. The scene in The Lion King when Simba is about to die is what it feels like for me during every panic attack. It doesn’t matter where I’m at, what the situation is, when a panic attack hits me I’m scared and I’m going to do everything and anything I can to be fine, safe, and get away from everyone.

Yesterday November 20, 2015 was the first time in a couple months where I didn’t have one of these anxiety attacks. I don’t know if I should be proud, or worried about the next one. Honestly it’s a mix of both.

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