Posted in Life

I need to brag about the Chosen 3.

I give humans nicknames. I give coworkers nicknames, I give friends nicknames. Awesome humans get nicknames, and shitty humans get nicknames it’s in the handbook of life. Chapter 1: You’re getting a nickname deal with it. True Story. (That’s the title of the handbook to life) However once someone starts to talk to me and I open up and they open up and through mutual realization of how weird we both are, I give them a code name. Code names are the highest honor I can give someone. I’ll give said human the code name, and they can either accept it or not accept it. They still have that code name. Soul Mate in Friend Form is a code name. Science Lesbian is a code name and Stranger Danger is a code name. Basically these are the only code names I have given out, other names are nicknames. Examples of awesome humans’ nicknames: Sexy Bitch, Bamf Airborne Army Chef, and The Greatest Canadian to Ever Canada.  Example of a shitty human’s nickname: The Testicle. (An Elderly Man’s Testicle is the actual nickname but that takes too long to say. This post isn’t about her anyway)

I’m not going to lie (mainly because everyone knows when I’m lying) I tend to talk about my friends a lot. Talk isn’t the right word, more like brag. I brag to other humans about how great my friends are, how lucky I am to have them as friends. I always feel like a burden to everyone, Fall and Winter brings out that feeling the most. So I’m always surprised when humans want to talk to me. I’m always shocked when humans come up to me and tell me how nice and sweet I am. There is a constant battle in my head, two big forces are always battling for my attention as well as the smaller forces trying for me to pay attention to them. Some days I can’t control what I say, I can’t control what my face does. (Thank you derping because derpy faces are the best) So when a human comes up to me to tell me how nice I am it’s going to take a couple months for me to believe them about that compliment. So yes I tend to brag about close friends I will tell others about stupid things I said and what a friend said back. I’m still in shock they have stayed.

Soul Mate in Friend Form and I have been soul mates since the day we met in 2010. It was college and I was sitting at the international table because I lived in the international suite, it was a month into my freshman year of college I didn’t know anyone outside of my suite yet. This human sits across from me gives me a once over and asked me the following question:
“What’s your nationality?”
“I’m white.” Yes that is how I responded to that question, I’m a freshman in college and I just said my nationality is white. Oh but it get’s better!
“No, I mean where are you from?”
“Where are your parents from? What is their background?”
“Well my mom said she has family background from England, my dad has family background from Scotland, but when I was born the Freak Faery boop’d me on the nose and said ‘I’m going to turn this baby into a Freak’ so I have some Freakish in me too. So British, Scottish, but mostly Freakish.”
That was the moment Soul Mate in Friend Form knew I was an awesome human. The other humans at the table just looked at me probably wondering how the fuck I was accepted into college, I questioned the same thing. Soul Mate in Friend Form is the only human I have ever met who understands AND gets me. I have never met anyone to be able to do this. I don’t even understand myself most of the time, do you know how comforting that is to have someone to understand you? When I’m in her presence it’s great I feel at ease, okay not all the time she did tell me “Keely you’re so jumpy, it’s going to be great when you’re elderly. I’m going to make you shit your pants.” I’ve never been so excited to shit my pants before.

Words can’t describe how awesome Soul Mate in Friend Form is. Awesome doesn’t even begin to cover it. I was questioning if I was a feminist because I was reading these statuses from this former friend on Facebook. Every single status where he claimed to be a feminist made me question EVERYTHING. It got to the point where I was shunning the idea that I was a feminist. I did not want anything to do with this human. I would comment on some of his statuses giving my thoughts on whatever topic and instantly he would say I was oppressing him. How was I oppressing him? I called him a hypocrite. I told Soul Mate in Friend Form “if that’s what a feminist is I absofuckinglutely am NOT a feminist.” I was so angry about how I was being treated by this so called “friend” his friends were calling me a “shit stain” and a “horrible human” they were apologizing to him saying they were sorry he is friends with that. (that being me) I never once met any of his friends, but I was being blocked because I was asking questions. Soul Mate in Friend Form sat me down and explained that no, feminists aren’t all like that. Yes there are the crazy ones that give other feminists a bad name but for the most part it’s about equality for everyone. I’m still really upset I have a matching tattoo with this guy, but I have found a new way to look at my tattoo. I’ve also learned I’m never getting a matching tattoo with anyone ever again. Some humans are horrible and I don’t need their negativity in my life, I have enough in my mind thanks. I am a feminist and I have enough confusion in my life, I don’t need the kind that makes me question important issues like feminism!

It’s hard to explain how much I love Soul Mate in Friend Form, words don’t work all the time, and even bragging about how much she has done doesn’t explain it. Soul Mate in Friend Form is the only human that can call me on my phone and I will rush to answer it. Everyone else has 2 minutes of conversation with me and I’m done. My anxiety builds up by the second, I can’t handle it after 2 minutes. Soul Mate in Friend Form and I can have 2 hour long conversations and my anxiety will go back down to 5/10. (which is the baseline for me) Ermahgerd though, she can be so quiet I’ll think she has hung up on me, and I’ve been talking to myself for 2 minutes with my phone still to my ear. She hasn’t hung up, she’s just shaking her head at me because of the ridiculous things I say.

Science Lesbian and I also met in college, the fall of 2012 though. However I thought she was way too awesome for me to actually have more than one conversation with. We made Hello Kitty onigiri for Anime Club’s welcome back weekend. I thought she was amazing! Since I’m socially awkward and very anxious and I didn’t think we’d ever get along. I ended up dropping out of college a couple days later (best decision I’ve ever made, leaving college that is) and didn’t start actually talking with her until March 2015. I deleted her from Facebook because I deleted a mass amount of college friends once I dropped out. Reasons being: I feel like a burden, I feel like I don’t deserve so many friends, who is really going to miss me? Science Lesbian apparently did not appreciate the deletion of the Facebook friend because the next day I had a request. I added her back but we didn’t talk. I didn’t start talking to her, because so much anxiety, and I just deleted her. Ermahgerd the guilt! Plus she noticed so she requested me back! So we’ve been friends since July 2014, she commented on a few posts in November 2014, but in March 2015 we really started talking, we have not stopped talking to each other since and it’s amazing. I found another human who understands me. She has cats (not just because of her lesbian superpower) so once I wake up and see I have notifications on fb messenger I see cat pictures. I even get cat videos! Starring her cats. It’s great. I send her videos and pictures of my cat: Lord Tubingon aka Sass Master X aka Bobo. (I’ll make a post about my fluffy Boob because he deserves a post) It’s not just the cat pictures and the awesome derp pictures (I’m really behind in sending her pictures of myself. She’s sent me over 180, I’ve only sent her around 110. I’m slacking and I need to have a photoshoot of my face) it’s her understanding of a bunch of emotions I have. Her understanding of life. Verbal communication is very hard for me. Connecting with people is also difficult, showing funny pictures, comics, screenshots or past photos is the way I connect with humans. Sometimes it doesn’t always work, I’ll get asked “why do you have so many fucking pictures?” or “what’s with the fucking pictures?” I can’t really explain but I will shut the fuck up and stop showing pictures, because if I need to push that anxiety back down to a 5 ASAP!  Funny pictures helps the anxiety go down. Cat pictures are a way to do it, cat videos are also great, but just understanding me and being there for me is the Bestest way to help the anxiety go back down to a 5. I’ve asked Science Lesbian multiple times why we didn’t meet up more in college. We both started in 2010, we were both in Anime Club, we are both very anxious humans. However anxiety is a fucking obstacle that get’s so much in the way that I can understand completely why we didn’t meet up in college.

Stranger Danger is one of those humans who I’m extremely glad I have in my weird life. I don’t want to say anything else than that. (well I do, but I won’t) I will say Danger is a great doctor I can ask life threatening questions to. For example: I was very concerned when I asked: “is it normal that my ears randomly vibrate for 30 seconds daily?” The answer was just what I thought: “No, you’re dying.”

Why go to professional doctors who I hate and fear when Stranger Danger will tell it like it is. I’m dying. It’s true though! Every day we get closer to our deaths, some just get there faster than others. It’s not a race, and if it was I would be the very last human to die because I’m the last in every single race I run. I fall when I run and for gym class in middle school I walked the mile because fuck running.


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