I like to buy Cosmopolitan magazine sometimes. I keep trying to justify if I want to buy a subscription or not. I was fortunate enough that when I see these magazines of photoshopped humans I don’t go “I wish I looked just like that” because I don’t ever want to look like that. Why is the thigh gap so important? Why do teenage girls and women in their twenties want that? There are 2 major flaws with having a thigh gap. 1) you won’t be called “THUNDER THIGHS!” This is such a great name to be called. Why? Because this 2) If you’re sitting on the toilet and you drop your phone, or iPod your thighs won’t be there to help you catch your device! There is a high chance your device will fall in the toilet!! Let’s all have a moment of silence for those who have dropped their technology device in the toilet because their thighs weren’t there to catch it on the rebound. . . . . . . . . That’s enough. When I look at magazines like Cosmo, I’m reading the magazine without comparing myself to the photoshopped women. Don’t praise me for that, that is not a good enough reason to praise me. I gained so much weight against my will, even though I absolutely hated that, I lost the weight for me not because what the media was telling me to look like. I’m still losing weight and trying to get to a weight goal that feels good for me. This saying helps me all the time: “don’t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are harder to kidnap!” – someecard
Cosmo has a list of what they claim really works every time! I picked out 11 of them that I could then “fix”
Cosmopolitan’s Flirting Tips (Apparently these *really* work every time!)
- At a bar or coffeehouse, use the tip of your tongue to lick beer or espresso foam from your lip.
- Give him a long once-over from head to toe, then bring your eyes back up to his. Smile ever so slightly to let him know you like what you see.
- Pull your hair loose from a ponytail holder or clip so he can watch your touchable tresses fall around your face.
- Cross your legs and slowly move your top foot in circles. His eyes will be drawn to your gorgeous gams since men are used to focusing on movement.
- Grin and hold his gaze for three seconds. Then bite the corner of your lip and look down.
- Rub your shoulder like you have a painful crick, then gently sigh. Not only will he find this extremely sexy, but you might even score a massage.
- Walk past him, then slowly swivel your head halfway toward him, rest your chin on your shoulder and smile. This asymmetrical pose shows that he’s hot enough to literally turn heads.
- Sit next to a solo stud and ask, “Ever had a complete stranger talk to you?”
- Stroll over to a bored boy and inform him that you’re from social search-and-rescue. Your mission? To save him from a dull night.
- Wander over to him at a coffee shop or bookstore with the event-listings section of the paper and ask for his suggestion on a fun activity.
- Tell him that you’re an amateur palm reader. While you’re peering at his hand, trace any creases and predict that there will be lots of passion in his future.
I have not done any of these edits, that would require leaving my house and dealing with the humans outside of my comfort zone. No thanks, plus the humans in my town are mostly into drinking and smoking, which is fine for them but I’m not into any of that. Ugh, perhaps I can ask Stranger Danger if I can attempt these with him?
Edits by Potato (these will have more of an interesting reaction)
- At a coffeehouse, use the tip of your tongue to try and lick whipped cream or espresso foam from your lip, without being kicked out!
- Give said human a long once-over from head to toe, then bring your eyes back up to theirs. Smile ever so slightly to let them know you’re attracted to humans.
- Pull your hair loose from a ponytail holder or clip so people can watch your touchable tresses fall around your face, while you are left with a clip of fake hair from Claire’s because you don’t have long enough hair to attempt this.
- Cross your legs and slowly move your top foot in circles or other patterns. Put all focus into those foot patterns. Eyes will be drawn to you because what the hell are you doing?
- Grin while holding a human’s gaze for 3 seconds. Then bite the corner of your lip and look down. *Warning* there is a high chance said human will steal your soul through their eyes.
- Rub your shoulder like you have an internal pain in that spot, sigh after a moment. Apparently this is extremely sexy. People in pain is sexy.
- Walk past a human in slow-mo swivel your head halfway at the human you just passed. Rest your chin on your shoulder begin to smile. This asymmetrical pose is supposed to show that the human you just passed is hot enough to literally turn heads. Said human will probably not notice this, everyone else will.
- Sit next to a solo human and ask, “ever had a complete stranger talk to you?” proceed with conversation if it’s a go. If human isn’t interested ask them “what year is it?” look extra concerned when whispering “wrong year”
- Wander over to cute human at a coffee shop or bookstore with an event listing section on a flyer and ask which would sound fun for awkward humans.
- I got this off tumblr: when looking at said hand of other human, stare deeply make a few hmms then softly gasp. When other human questions what you have found. Look deeply into other human’s eyes while informing them they are indeed a nerd.
- Once you spot a lost human, walk up to them and inform them that you were hired to be a social search-and-rescue. Your mission? To save humans from a dull moment.